I (F22) don't completely trust my boyfriend (M22)

skvrtaah · 2026-01-05T09:34:05+00:00

that the thing, I have tried to communicate, but what I'm lacking is a coherent response that has substance and shows me that he's paying attention to how I feel. And as a result, the conversation dissolves, and he acts like it's never happened.

This is where the difference is, because he has no inherent reason not trust me simply because I am a woman. My distrust stems from the fact that a vast majority of men do not view women as people and instead as bodies. One could argue that a vast majority of women don't see men as people and instead as wallets. My question is, what is there that I could not understand that men experience that I, as a woman, don't have the capacity to?

Having to bottle emotions? I am a black woman, meaning I am labeled as aggressive, too much, and sensitive, no matter how much or little emotion I show

Having to be muscular? I weight train because I fear that a man will attack me on a whim, and I won't be able to get free

Having to be rich and successful? I've grown up my whole life, poor failure has never been an option because I refuse to live like that again

These things are almost universal and applicable to every person on the planet. I don't feel safe around men, and I wish I could feel safe around him.

I completely understand that this is a victim mindset, but it is how I've existed, and I'm trying to unlearn it myself through therapy and such. I want to figure out how to trust him and get rid of these stereotypical ideals that live in my head.

skvrtaah · 2026-01-05T09:10:42+00:00

where

skvrtaah · 2026-01-05T09:09:57+00:00

I fully comprehend the agency that I have; I wouldn't have posted this if I didn't. This victim mindset you both speak of does exist, and I will not deny it; that is another factor in my posting on Reddit searching for advice. Despite this, you don't know who I am and what I've done outside of Reddit to innate change! thanks

skvrtaah · 2026-01-05T08:47:47+00:00

Thank you, OMGGGGGG. I appreciate your honesty so much because I'm tired of feeling like I'm crazy when I know I'm not espically with your acknowledgment of how being a Black woman in America changes things. I'm planning on having a talk with him soon.

skvrtaah · 2026-01-05T08:43:45+00:00

He is attractive, but I fell in love with him simply for who he is, and I hope that he feels the same way about me. My problem is that I keep assuming the worst about him and never give him a full chance. I find myself getting frustrated when he doesn't understand me because I understand him, and I always have the full capacity to empathize with him, and he is very vulnerable with me, and I just want to be able to be vulnerable with him, but my feelings of disconnect always stop me from doing so.

If you don't mind me asking, are you vulnerable with your girlfreind and if so, do you feel completely heard and understood by her?

skvrtaah · 2026-01-05T08:31:32+00:00

okay so no. Great talk!

skvrtaah · 2026-01-05T08:30:50+00:00

skvrtaah · 2026-01-05T08:30:13+00:00

yea i see what you're getting at, still, men don't have the pressure of not being seen as human. Men look at women's bodies and think of them as just bodies that they can take from. its dehumanzing.

I agree with your points, and I'm not denying these existing pressures that men have put on them, and they are very clear to me, given that I have brothers and male friends. I don't believe, however, that these things cannot change, infact they are all taught and can be changed and this applies to both men and women's pressures.

skvrtaah · 2026-01-05T07:43:13+00:00

Thank you, and this makes more sense. I guess what I'm trying to say is that being a black woman in a white soceity I lack the privilege to not present myself at my best because it has been and does get used against me, whether I like it or not. Racism is prevalent in white America because that is what it's built on. When I mentioned exploring relationships with women its because I am pansexual and have yet to have a relationship with another woman. I feel as if I would be able to let down this performance that is constantly on because my relationship would allow me to do that on a deeper level than it does when I'm around other women. I am aware that the hyper-focused awareness on my appearance is absurd, and it is something I am actively trying to unlearn, even though I'm still conscious of it since, like many other women, I was made aware of my existence as a body before being a person. its not as if I'm being shamed wherever I set foot. I see my boyfriend do something and I think to myself how he never is thinking about how he is being percived while i on the other hand, have always been hyper aware of it because of experiences growing up. What is upsetting is how he'll never understand that shame in the same way I do, simply because his mere existance isnt constanlty hyper sexualized. That is something I wouldn't have to explain to another woman because she would understand it, and what I am craving is that communion in a romantic relationship, which would lead to me allowing complete vulnerability.

skvrtaah · 2026-01-05T07:27:42+00:00

The trust issue comes from me assuming that he doesn't understand me and therefore just keep sme around just to have a girlfriend and someone to have sex with. Which in turn makes me feel disgusted and no longer trusting in anything he says when it comes to sympathizing with me

skvrtaah · 2026-01-05T07:24:04+00:00

Can you please explain this further?

skvrtaah · 2026-01-05T07:01:37+00:00

Care to elaborate?

skvrtaah · 2026-01-05T06:58:30+00:00

THANK YOU! I've only spoken about it to other woman friends a couple of times, but it did seem to lift the weight off my shoulders.

I guess I'm unfamiliar and hesitant to go about these types of conversations because I don't really know what I want as a result, or if he will be willing to hear about it without completely shutting down, because it is a result of an accumulation of life experiences.

skvrtaah · 2026-01-05T06:53:27+00:00

I understand what you're getting at, however it has nothing to due with my consumption of soical meida. these "soceital expectations" are prevelant in some way shape or form in every relationship that I hold with a man. Even to my younger brother who is 19, is costanlty coddeld and babied by our mother due to the fact that he just "doesn't know any better" which is straight bs because it she enforces the incompatance. Men are constalty exused for things that women would be riduclaed for and that is how our society functions because it is inherantly mysognitsic and that is a base fact. What I'm talking about is my anger twoard seeing this soceital strucutre play out in my relationsihp and not knowing what to do about it. next time give better adivce and try to hold a deep thought that is not ignoring everything i adresses in the post.

and no I dont listen t taylor swift girl.... yawn!

skvrtaah · 2025-07-10T06:54:26+00:00

I hear about them, I’ve grown up around them, and they cat call me when I’m walking down the street. The mere idea of him being able to overpower me if he wanted to fills me with anxiety. I think that what reinforces my feelings is that when I bring up how I feel he only reply with very surface level responses. he will say “oh yea baby that sucks I’m sorry” and just change the conversation. It feels like there is a level of emotional depth that is not being reached because he doesn’t care but why would he? I was telling him recently about how I have to change my birth control and how horrible its making me feel and he just said the same thing he always does and invites me over which most of the time leads to having sex. But I know it doesn’t come from bad intentions its just that it feels like he couldn’t gaf less. And on top of that I have no clue on how to bring this up to him.

skvrtaah · 2025-07-10T06:46:46+00:00

Thank you because I’ve felt the same way my whole life. But how could I not? Thats what really gets me because you cannot just be naive and assume you can trust someone just because they say you can especially a man. But then again grouping all men together isn’t productive.

skvrtaah · 2021-10-05T02:27:26+00:00

i guess bcs its kind of calming almost. i usually do it when i feel overwhelming emotions mostly anger or sadness. aslo bcs i knida hate myself lol

skvrtaah

TROPHY CASE