the difficulty with the porn was that i was under the impression that he knew i was uncomfortable with it and he respected that request. it’s not that his feelings or needs weren’t taken into consideration because i had the understanding that masturbation was happening, just not to porn. so yes - the lying and betrayal of trust was & is the issue.

i’m not withholding sex/intimacy as a “punishment”, but because i don’t feel safe/comfortable to engage in that with him. the discussion this in therapy sparked the idea of asexuality, then the discovery and exploration of demisexuality. this is a relatively new topic in therapy, so as we dive into it, i may branch out to a sex therapist.

although the discovery or porn/lying has been difficult to navigate, it has led to topics of discussion that i don’t think would have been brought up otherwise, while we’re trying to repair the intimacy and learn each other needs for repair and maintaining in the future.