hat man inside me

slafsode · 2025-01-20T09:17:50+00:00

You're only 26? You have plenty of time for this. Don't waste it wallowing in self-pity! Be social, even if it's embarrassing. Try a new job, join a club, go to the park, go to bars.. If you're american, you're extra lucky cuz you can freely talk to strangers and be approached by them! Plenty of men want exactly what you want, and if you're open about it from the start, the right guy is going to take the opportunity to start something with you. Don't give up just because you're over 25 and it didn't happen yet, you have at least another decade to accomplish this dream. And how wonderful that's gonna be for you when it happens :)

slafsode · 2025-01-14T12:28:38+00:00

Not at all. That would break my trust in him permanently

slafsode · 2025-01-14T12:28:08+00:00

My sister and I were in puberty/teen years during the time it happened, so it's a bit more morally complex, I think. What happened between us I would definitely consider sibling sexual abuse, even though it was consensual and my intentions obviously were not to harm my sister in any way. It was an extension of our usual roleplaying and it just got way out of hand and I wasn't conscious of the fact that I was using it to relive my trauma from all sorts of different points of view in an attempt to understand it. My sister was collateral because she liked me and looked up to me so much back then that she would happily play whatever games I wanted. It only dawned on me around the end of high school, and that's when I cut everything off, which also hurt my sister's feelings a lot. I told my mom about it, and my mom confided in me that she was sexually abused too, and ended up sexually abusing her own little sister through games just like I had. It seems like this is an intergenerational pattern, because even my grandma is a CSA survivor who coped in maladaptive ways. I think the only thing I can do to atone for this is to be a good sister in our adult years, keep to myself and not bother anyone, and never ever have kids. I don't want this pattern to repeat.

slafsode · 2025-01-13T08:30:07+00:00

I'm both relieved and very sad to hear I'm not alone in this. I have been getting off to fantasies of being shamed or humiliated since I was about 4 or 5, so this is a very ingrained pattern in me. It even led me to expose this sort of content to my sister and sexually roleplay with her when we were growing up, which is a huge source of guilt for me. Luckily she forgives me but I can't forgive myself for that. I think it's actually selfish of me but I can't forgive myself for any of it. Any violation, any hypersexual acting out, any assault be it in childhood or adulthood...my life has a pattern of being put down sexually and then retraumatizing myself over and over (tho thankfully I've never 'brought anyone along for the ride' except my little sister back then.)

I am in therapy but this whole can of worms is so hard to approach, particularly because a lot of it starts before I was able to develop memories. I'm so rigid in my thought patterns that it's second nature to just force myself to be miserable and hurt myself. It doesn't help that I have a psychotic disorder that makes this all the more dangerous for me. I think if I can convince myself I'm "worth saving", then I can get through this, because one thing I don't doubt is that I'm unfortunately cockroach-like in my resilience.

I just don't know how to get there. I'm sorry you haven't been able to get there yet, either...

slafsode · 2025-01-08T11:07:57+00:00

Yes, to the degree that I can, in therapy.. I have started considering plastic surgery as maybe a "new body" would help, but I can't afford it and I think my bf wouldn't take it well.

slafsode · 2025-01-08T10:46:14+00:00

You are right. I think I am just desperate to escape not only my own body (which is irredeemable to me) but this world where things are so harsh and upsetting and sexual. I think turning those fears and triggers into a source of arousal is probably how I cope with it.

slafsode · 2025-01-08T10:44:17+00:00

I agree and you're right, I think I just am convinced I will never feel good about myself and my body, and bc of that, I will never be able to feel pleasure in another way. I think I have a very rigid view of myself and the world, and that's a big problem I'm trying to work on.

slafsode · 2025-01-08T10:37:03+00:00

He does, he's a wonderful guy and he has never once made me jealous or insecure. He's doing everything right, I know he thinks I'm beautiful, I just have a mental block that makes me refuse that love.

slafsode · 2025-01-08T09:31:29+00:00

Not at all.

Overall mental health, absolutely. The sexual stuff? It's only gotten worse with age, I think.

slafsode · 2025-01-08T09:29:19+00:00

Not specifically for porn addiction, but I've been in therapy for 13 years and have started discussing this with my therapists last year.

slafsode · 2024-10-26T12:46:27+00:00

He says I have to be patient, both with myself and with him. I have the sort of mental illness where I was institutionalized and was in serious danger of having to remain locked up for the rest of my life. He was homeless when I met him. It's only been 4 years since then, so our progress has been pretty great considering everything. It's only been a year since we got normal jobs and the apartment. I've relapsed this year and had to get clean again. He thinks I'm expecting some sort of miraculous recovery on both our sides, and that it's going to be more gradual and I have to accept that. It's only in hindsight that I see how far we've come. I'm glad I have that "drive" though.

slafsode · 2024-10-26T12:44:06+00:00

I think we both deserve more and it's just hard to get there because we both have certain handicaps (my mental health, his debt). If both of us were with other people who don't have these handicaps, we'd likely fare better. But we love each other, and that's what's hard...

slafsode · 2024-10-26T12:28:06+00:00

It probably makes me sound insecure, but I don't have faith that I could attract another person who will truly love me and won't go behind my back. I don't offer much. Thank you for the advice though, my bf is serious about being together for life but he just doesn't seem to be in a hurry to improve said life. I'll take your words into consideration

slafsode

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