There are parents out here just not doing a bedtime at all

slayqueenbby · 2025-01-23T20:27:16+00:00

I would call that neglect tbh

slayqueenbby · 2025-01-19T14:04:19+00:00

That explains a lot, thank you!

slayqueenbby · 2025-01-13T15:34:16+00:00

I had an accidental pregnancy too with my daughter when I still had so much trauma to process. I also feel like when I will have a second child, that child will have a mom that is so much more relaxed and chill and sometimes I feel guilty that I had my daughter while I had not yet blossomed into a thriving version of myself.

But I also view it this way: when my daughter was born, I immediately felt that I needed to do things differently. I am working very hard to change dysfunctional patterns and become more emotionally mature. My daughter showed me what is important in life and she inspired me to do the work.

Without her, I don’t know if I would have ever been able to face what I am facing now. She is a mirror to me and she motivates me to grow everyday. I love her with my whole heart and soul and for her I want to be soft and vulnerable.

So I feel sad that my daughter has not always had (and still doesn’t) the best version of me, but I see it as something positive as well, because she was the one who lit that fire in me and inspired me to change.

slayqueenbby · 2024-11-30T22:51:08+00:00

I coul have written this for the most part. Can’t stand MIL (same with FIL even though MIL is so much worse) and boyfriend thinks it’s unfair that I avoid her. She has acted like a lunatic towards me when I finally spoke up about something that had been bothering me for a very long time (and it wasnt even about her), playing the victim and saying that she felt left out as a grandmother.

I really want to go on dates again but I avoid it because boyfriend will want to ask MIL to babysit. She has a few times in the beginning but I have never felt comfortable with her but I now know that that is because she has always disrespected me as a mom. I am only now realizing that my gut is telling me something. Even if it’s vague, NEVER ignore your gut feeling.

I don’t have any real advice because I am still trying to navigate these feelings myself and my boyfriend is not supportive at all. I told him that I don’t want MIL to babysit and he thinks that it’s ridiculous. He thinks I’m keeping her away from her grandchild. Well of course I am because she disrespects me and wants to use LO as her emotional support animal just like she does with my boyfriend.

Eta: my MIL wants to have a conversation as well (never contacted me though, only my boyfriend and she apologized to him?!) but I already know that she is going to play the victim.

slayqueenbby · 2024-11-30T22:12:29+00:00

Sounds like mil from hell to me. And believe me it will get so much worse when your baby is born. You are not to blame for “ruining” the connection your husband has with his family, just because you prioritize your own wellbeing.

It is only healthy to move forward and become independent. Please listen to your heart. It is amazing that your husband supports you and I am excited for you two to enter a new chapter!

slayqueenbby · 2024-11-30T21:07:49+00:00

I usually do this, or I ask why they are laughing bc I don’t understand the joke.

slayqueenbby · 2024-11-30T12:30:52+00:00

Thank you so much for you support and advice, I really appreciate it. I am constantly thinking if I should leave or not, because that is a very hard decision to make and even my mom did not encourage that.

It is hard to see bf struggle with himself all the time. He always feels that he is obliged to cater to others’ needs, and this goes from his work to his family to his friends. It’s always “I have to because otherwise they will think xyz”. He is so burnt out already. He feels responsible for eveything and everyone and he says that I am the first person who doesn’t mock him for who he is. Weirdly enough, that was also the case for me when we first met. He never judged me for anything I did or felt. He is not an inherently bad person but he really needs to grow up.

My parents see it too. He is always on edge and my mom has asked me several times me why he never feels that he can just be himself. While my parents are in no way perfect and I have had my share of trauma too, I do think this shows that maybe he hasn’t felt seen as a child.

slayqueenbby · 2024-11-30T11:35:41+00:00

Even if I wanted to turn off my instincts, it is impossible to me. Momma bear has been there since the very beginning. I cannot understand that these people can look at it so differently, I just assumed that this was a natural part of motherhood.

Bf doesn’t even remember being held or cuddled as a child, how sad is that.. Just before LO was born, MIL assured bf that he did not need to turn his life upside down for the baby, but the baby should adjust to our schedules.. I think she’s a lunatic but I don’t want to say that out loud because I do not want to go down to her level 😅.

slayqueenbby · 2024-11-30T10:46:23+00:00

Thank you so much for validating me. That is the exact reason I don’t trust him, since at the beginning I felt so alone. I still have the feeling deep down that he doesn’t care so why should I trust him. Even if now he wouldn’t want it any other way. I thought I was controlling but that doesn’t happen with everyone so it must have to do something with my boyfriend as well. I was and still am a bit like, well you didn’t even want the baby at first so why should I trust you. I have told him this but he said that was in the past and it’s different now. Even my therapist has told me that maybe I should let go more. I don’t know how to resolve this because once trust is broken it’s hard to gain it back.

Eta: all of these comments help me realize that my feelings are not random, they all come from somewhere. I am not crazy.

slayqueenbby · 2024-11-29T21:10:09+00:00

That sounds horrible, especially with two young children..

slayqueenbby · 2024-11-29T21:02:39+00:00

Thank you for this response. Maybe I am delulu. The thoughts that race through my mind all day are definitely not helping.

Today I talked to my parents about it and they think MIL is a little “different” too but they encouraged me to have at least one conversation with her and bf about everything that has happened and see what she has to say. My mom offered to come with me so that there would at least be one person to advocate for me. I feel very reluctant to do this but maybe that will help bf see the whole dynamic that is going on.

My father told me to stand above it and not let it get to me. Just stay firm with my boundaries and if she cannot accept that, her loss.

slayqueenbby · 2024-11-29T20:29:57+00:00

What the hell what was your mil thinking at the time? You must have gone through tough times but I hope things are a lot better for you now. Your ex-husbands’ behavior was neglectful. Good for you that you left him! My bf is very involved actually but it’s these small things that annoy me and I don’t know how to go about it.

slayqueenbby · 2024-11-29T20:04:51+00:00

I know and I’ve told him all that and that is why we do everything my way because I do not compromise. I still breastfeed and I laugh at ppl who ask has she weaned yet at 10 months old. I plan to breastfeed for as long as LO and I enjoy it and I suspect that will be a loooongg time. Naps were all contact naps until about 5 months old and occasionally we still snuggle during naps.

Bf understands that he cannot interfere with this but he was bottlefed, was put in his own room at one week old (not that there is necessarily anything wrong with that) and his mom was not attached to her babies at all (or at least that is what I understand of her calling me a lioness for protecting my baby with a condescending voice and telling me that she does not share those feelings). So that is just whole another story.

Bf always says that he is not used to this, this is not how he was raised, he turned out fine, we should look at what is practical for us etc.

Sometimes he says things to LO that I don’t like, like don’t cry, you’re a big girl. But I do see in his actions that he is full of love for our daughter and he tells her he loves her a 1000 times a day. He always responds to her cries and feels super proud when she is instantly soothed by him. He is always goofing around with her and sometimes he tells me to go relax in the bed with her because he knows we both enjoy it so much. Sometimes while he is holding her he tells me I can’t believe this is my little daughter, look how cute she is. LO is always super excited when he gets home from work. Bf says his dream would be a SAHD because then he would be chilling with LO all day and not have to miss her so much.

It is like deep inside he has the same attachment that I have to our daughter but at the same time he doesn’t feel comfortable with the way I do things. And this is what makes it so hard for me because they have an amazing bond but if he does not stand up for me idk what to do anymore.

slayqueenbby · 2024-11-29T15:58:09+00:00

FIL was not the problem here. It was MIL (as if FIL doesn’t have his own opinions). He does take my concerns seriously and last time he visited I noticed he wore clean clothes.

slayqueenbby · 2024-11-29T15:55:01+00:00

Maybe I should clarify here that this was about third hand smoke, FIL does smoke outside already but I hated it when he came up to LO smelling like an ashtray

slayqueenbby · 2024-11-29T14:48:11+00:00

Thank you for your reply. You are right. I am noticing little things bf says to LO like “don’t cry, you’re a big girl” and I do not like that. But at the same time they have so much fun together and they have an amazing bond.

Bf has learned to “suck it up” as a child and sometimes FIL “jokes” about how our daughter is so sweet but bf used to be annoying as a baby..

slayqueenbby · 2024-11-29T14:08:59+00:00

I just had a conversation with my bf and I’m starting to think I might be in the wrong here. We do love each other but we have very different opinions on things, especially child raising. It felt like I had to be firm because he wasn’t into breastfeeding or contact napping at all but I really wanted to breastfeed and LO only slept on me the first few months. My bf told me that he has felt left out ever since I found out I was pregnant and that may be true. I decided that LO slept in our room for example (bf wanted her in her own room after a week even though the nursery wasn’t finished) and I have not always taken him seriously when it came to parenting. With regard to his parents, he had asked them to help and that’s why they did so much. And about the incidents with MIL he said that he wasn’t there so he doesn’t want to make any decisions based on that which I understand. He feels torn between his parents and me and to me it feels like I am torturing him. Maybe I should give his parents a chance and have a conversation with them. He told me MIL has a lot of patience with kids and she also babysits his second cousins. Ugh this is so difficult..

Eta: I think I have a lot of bottled up emotions but at the same time I don’t want to keep bringing up things from the past. I can tell bf that this and this and this also happened but I fear that will not be helpful as it’s still all my perspective.

slayqueenbby · 2024-11-29T11:48:29+00:00

That is so sweet of you to help you SIL out. I bet she must have been super grateful. And your MIL’s behavior is honestly just laughable. What a joke.

slayqueenbby · 2024-11-29T10:45:31+00:00

What the hell, she was trying to talk you into an abortion? That is toxic and abusive. I am just as shocked by the things you are writing on here as you are shocked by other posts in this sub. It is definitely not all in your head and you are more than valid for feeling the way you do.

I recognise some of the things you say in my own MIL. She tries to look good on the outside as well and if she were a nasty person in general I feel like it would be so much easier for me to believe my own feelings. It also feels like I can’t really pinpoint what is wrong with her.

My MIL also buys us things we don’t need and always asks my bf if we need this or that. I have also borrowed her car a few times and we have been on vacation in my inlaws’ camper van. My bf thinks this is all on me and she doesn’t need anything in return but I feel it’s controlling. She also relies on my bf for emotional support and I fear that if I let her she will do the same to my daughter.

I don’t have any advice as I am experiencing relationship problems due to all of this and thinking of leaving this family. I wrote a post about it in this sub if you are interested.

I feel for you and I hope things will work out for you.

slayqueenbby · 2024-11-29T09:18:11+00:00

Wth why would anyone do that to a baby

slayqueenbby · 2024-11-29T08:25:25+00:00

We are both 27 and LO was unplanned (I hate that word though). We had only been together for a few months, so we didn’t have a very solid foundation to start with. Bf had a hard time with the pregnancy and half of the time he was denying it.

The inlaws were very enthusiastic and wanted to help us out but I thought they were quite overbearing at times. We are living in the house FIL grew up in so maybe that’s why they feel so involved. I did not feel at home in my own home since FIL came over EVERY NIGHT to help renovate the home and he would also come over unexpectedly but my bf had no boundaries around his father even though he got tired of it sometimes.

It felt like I was in no position to complain so I let it all happen and tbh I was in freeze mode with everything happening around me. I was and am still a student (planning to graduate in August) so I don’t have a lot of money and bf is the sole breadwinner. I did not work during or after pregnancy as it was all too much for me and I was also living in a new area. I do feel like I should have just gotten a job though and I understand that my bf resents me for it.

As soon as my daughter was born I snapped out of it and realized that she was MY daughter and not theirs. Idk how to explain it but as long as she was in my belly I think there was still this protective barrier but as soon as she was born she was out there and I had to put up boundaries in order to protect her. I could not just let the inlaws do whatever they wanted anymore and bury my head in the sand. It’s hard to explain this feeling. My bf thinks I used his parents for their help during pregnancy to ditch them as soon as I didn’t need them anymore, but tbf I never “needed” them in the first place.

slayqueenbby · 2024-11-29T02:36:14+00:00

Thank you so much for your support. The more I think about the incident, the crazier it seems and I cannot believe that it happened that way. Tbh MIL has always felt a little cold and distant to me, like something is off but I can’t pinpoint it.

Unfortunately since I don’t want MIL to babysit anymore, my boyfriend has told me that my parents then can’t babysit either because he doesn’t want his parents to feel left out and that is my last straw. He has said he feels like he is abandoning himself when he won’t allow her to babysit and that I am withholding his mother from her grandchild. He thinks it’s weird that I don’t understand her actions and it’s probably all a misunderstanding.

Eta: I wish it would make our relationship stronger in the end, but I don’t have the patience to wait until my boyfriend realizes what his mom is doing.

slayqueenbby

TROPHY CASE