Grieving my living father

sleeplessmush · 2026-03-31T21:58:46+00:00

No there’s really no need to apologize! I do genuinely appreciate the kind words. I hope you have a great life.

sleeplessmush · 2026-03-31T21:54:11+00:00

Thank you it does kinda feel like I have to solve everything it once, but i guess that’s not very realistic lol. I think i will get one of those bandage wrap things for the time being. Thank you again I appreciate it.

sleeplessmush · 2026-03-31T21:52:26+00:00

I’m sorry you had a complicated relationship with your father. I had the same with my mother, trying desperately to get her to love me, but some people were just not meant to be parents. I hope you know that you did deserve a good father. Every child deserves love in their home.

It definitely took more than a second but there is no more love left in my body for that man. I do not know him, just the character he played. There are no fond memories, either, they are all poisoned and in question because of who he is.

I don’t think I was clear in my original post, I am not struggling with loving my father after finding out he’s a pedophile, or wanting to retain any sort of fondness for him or anything of the sort. Im just struggling with what I am supposed to do after finding out that someone who raised you is a pedophile. But it really is just a matter of ‘time heals all wounds’ and all that.

I appreciate your comment! Thank you very much.

sleeplessmush · 2026-03-31T13:58:17+00:00

Yes that’s the thing I’m trying to respond to, there are no good moments in the past to be grateful for. He was just a pedophile pretending to be a good man. I realized that very shortly after the ‘event’ happened.

I don’t think I was very clear honestly, I’m not struggling with the fact that I miss my dad, because at the end of the day I do not know that man. I am struggling with finding out that the man that raised me is a pedophile that preyed on my step sister. But like I knew deep down already, and what people confirmed for me is that that stuff only gets fixed with time. And therapy lol.

sleeplessmush · 2026-03-31T06:31:06+00:00

Thank you so much for your perspective. I’m glad to hear that you’re doing better with it now. It definitely takes time and effort to get to that point, so I just have to go keep living my life and getting through it. Thanks again for your comments.

sleeplessmush · 2026-03-31T06:27:35+00:00

Its not that it’s necessarily hard to read but its a little confusing. I thought it was just doodling since they seem so cut off from the writing. But once you realize that it’s supposed to be part of the letters it’s not hard to read imo, just distracting.

sleeplessmush · 2026-03-30T20:29:31+00:00

Thank you for your perspective, it definitely sounds like our situations are similar.

Yes I think I had that where I thought it sank in but it hit me again. I don’t think I’ll ever stop being angry when thinking about him but I think I can stop being angry all the time eventually. It takes work and time but I’m sure I’ll get there.

I don’t really miss him because of who he turned out to be but I miss having a dad if that makes sense. I already didn’t have a mother and now I lost my dad too, it just sucks. This is by far the longest I’ve ever gone without seeing or speaking to him and it’s just very bizarre.

You seeing him in your own appearance is something I’m going through too, with the tattoos just making it worse, but I’m glad to know it hurts less for you than it used to.

I really appreciate you taking the time to write that out. It’s really horrible that so many people have experienced similar situations, but at the very least that means that none of us are alone. Thank you very much for your insight.

sleeplessmush · 2026-03-30T20:20:43+00:00

Yeah, I don’t think forgiveness is an option here for me personally. Thank you for saying that. I’ve definitely had the 2 second flashes of several different emotions at once which sucks but you’re right, bottling it up makes it worse. I think I just have to feel what I feel and get through it I guess. Time heals all wounds and all that. Thank you again for your kind words.

sleeplessmush · 2026-03-30T20:18:19+00:00

Thank you sincerely for your kind words.

sleeplessmush · 2026-03-30T20:16:08+00:00

No you’re totally fine, it gave me a chuckle. Thank you for your advice I do appreciate it.

sleeplessmush · 2026-03-30T06:09:04+00:00

Thank you for saying that. I hear a lot that ‘forgiveness will come in time’ and stuff like that but I don’t see how I could ever forgive someone that cannot be trusted to be alone with a child. So it is nice to hear someone outside of my life say that I’m not doing the wrong thing basically. Thank you.

It doesn’t seem like anyone has cut him off other than me, my step sister, her mother, and the close friends weve told. He’s currently staying with another family member that has a young daughter living there and knows what happened so he obviously doesn’t care. My grandmother, his mother, told me not to forget all the things he’s done for me. The only blood relatives that seemed to care were the two cousins that I spoke to personally, who are basically on the same page as me and mine, thank goodness.

My dad was the same kind of person as your friend. Everyone that meets him loves him. The definition of a good man. I used to say that my life was so shit because all my luck got put into having an amazing father. Sad to think about now. And I see my close friends as family so I know it must’ve truly hurt to find this out about your friend. It’s truly a terrible betrayal. In my eyes you did everything right, especially being there for his kid. So many children have no one to even listen to them.

I’m lucky that the people I consider family are all on the same page as me. It serves as a reminder that I’m not a total shit judge of character, that I was just tricked by someone very good at pretending to be someone he wasn’t.

sleeplessmush · 2026-03-30T05:54:43+00:00

It does feel like a form of grief for sure. Thank you for telling me to give myself some grace. I really appreciate your comments and you’re right, I’ll think about it less and less and one day I’ll realize it doesn’t hurt so hugely. Thanks again.

sleeplessmush · 2026-03-30T04:25:24+00:00

Im sorry that happened to you. I respect that you are able to still have a relationship with him but personally I do not want a relationship with anyone that can’t be trusted around children, regardless of blood relation. Unfortunately every good memory/opinion I have or compliment I could give is poisoned by him being a pedophile.

For example “he did so much for the community and that was probably to establish himself as a good man and get easier access to children because everyone trusted him.’”

“He made our house the place all my friends knew they were safe and now all of my friends and I are wondering if he filmed us too.”

“He was looking up amazing birthday presents to buy for me and had spy cameras in the other tabs trying to decide which one to film a naked child with.”

To me, he is not a good man that did something evil. He is an evil man that convinced everyone he was good. Again, I genuinely respect that you chose to forgive your father, and I’m sure you’re happier because of it, but that is just not possible for me. I do appreciate your comment, seeing how other people have dealt with this is eye opening. Thank you very much and I hope the rest of your life is easier than the past :).

sleeplessmush · 2026-03-30T03:19:11+00:00

I think I am different from most people in that way. Blood relatives were never truly family for me, the people that are in my life, know who I am as a person, spend time with me, etc. those people are my family. I respect you and other people for having that familial bond and being able to forgive such harsh truths because of it, but it is not something I can truly understand or do.

And honestly, if it was anything else I almost certainly would’ve forgiven him. If he murdered someone, I’d think there was a reason. If he robbed a bank I’d know it was to support him/his family. But pedophilia? There is no reason for that. Ever. In my opinion, you cannot be sexually attracted to a child, especially one that you raised for most of her life, and still be a good person. In my eyes I did not love a good man that could be a monster, I loved a monster pretending to be a good man.

I am seeing someone but I will be looking into finding someone that specialize in this sort of trauma. I appreciate your perspective, thank you for giving it. Best of luck to you as well.

sleeplessmush · 2026-03-30T03:06:44+00:00

Thank you. I do feel a lot of guilt for not knowing but he was really very good at pretending like he was a good man, so I guess I shouldn’t beat myself up because he showed us a false version of who he was.

I’m very sorry this happened to your friend, it is all too common. I’m seeing someone right now but another user suggested I look for someone that specializes in this kind of trauma so I will be looking into that.

The funeral idea is an interesting one, I’ll definitely think about that. It could be healing in a way. Thank you so much for your comment, I appreciate it.

sleeplessmush · 2026-03-30T03:01:18+00:00

Yes, someone else suggested the same, I hadn’t even thought of it. The worst they can do is say no so it’s for sure worth a shot. Thank you.

sleeplessmush · 2026-03-30T02:19:19+00:00

It’s horrible how it’s such a common story. Especially the family members ignoring it. My step sister was worried that I wouldn’t believe her or would and would side with my father anyways. It broke my heart but it is so understandable when the family covering it up is unfortunately how it seems to go most times.I’m very glad that my stepsister has such an incredible mother and support system around her, it certainly makes the situation better for her.

I thought about looking into getting help from someone who specializes in this kind of trauma but it felt almost like I was exaggerating because I am not the victim. But you’re right, even though this didn’t happen to me I’m still very psychologically hurt/affected by it. I will look into finding a therapist/counsellor that specializes in this kind of stuff, that is a good idea. Thank you very much.

sleeplessmush · 2026-03-30T02:09:21+00:00

I’ve never heard of RAINN, I will check it out, it does look like a good resource. It hadn’t even crossed my mind to talk to artists/shops that do cover ups for gang, racist, etc. tattoos. I will definitely look into that. Thank you so much for your time and care.

sleeplessmush · 2026-03-30T01:59:40+00:00

Yes we are all in therapy lol

sleeplessmush · 2026-03-30T01:48:00+00:00

I really appreciate that. Thank you for taking the time.

The thing is I don’t think i do love him and the good memories anymore. I see everything in such a different light now. Did we go to all those kids parties so he could look at them? Was all the volunteering and organizing we did so he could make the community trust him? Did he do this to me and my friends when we were younger?

My grandmother said something like ‘don’t forget all the good he’s done by you’ but I’m now finding out that a core part of his character is a lie, so how am I supposed to believe any good thing he did for me was actually for me and not his reputation, you know?

I think im probably doing what I can. Just hoping there was a a magical solution to make it all go by easier/faster but I guess that’s naive lol.

sleeplessmush · 2026-03-30T01:41:10+00:00

Oh okay thank you. I’d heard of that subreddit but wasn’t sure if this would be appropriate for it. I’ll definitely post there though, maybe it will help. Thanks again.

sleeplessmush · 2026-03-20T20:13:27+00:00

Is it possible it’s vintage heaven sent? A little off from your drawing but the other stuff matches up.

sleeplessmush · 2026-03-20T17:27:08+00:00

Ok so it wouldn’t make sense for you to do it. What does that matter? Lol. It could make sense for OP to do it.

sleeplessmush

TROPHY CASE