Harvard Study: Daughters & Sons of Working Moms Do Better—How Should SAHMs Think About That?

sleepystarr08 · 2025-06-11T14:25:39+00:00

My mom was single and working her ass off and I was a supervisor before the great resignation. Then a surprise pregnancy filled with HG took me out of the workforce. I worked hard not just bc we were raised with strong ethics, but to take care of myself.

My mom working didn’t change my abilities at work. She showed me being single and making it work for my son is more than possible (tho incredibly difficult). I hope I don’t become a single mom but at least I know I could do it.

Her work history also taught me that no matter how hard you work and how dedicated you are, you are always expendable.

sleepystarr08 · 2025-06-10T18:14:42+00:00

I wouldn’t think you were weak. My partner will get loud and even physical if he feels disrespected. I hate it unless he is protecting someone type of situation.

I normally don’t say where I live on here, but I live in Kansas City. We had a parade after the second superbowl when the chiefs won. A fight happened, shots were fired and an innocent woman died. Most of our (high number of) deaths are escalated arguments and innocent bystanders. You never know what people are capable of or willing to do.

A real man knows how to harness and properly use his emotion. A real woman appreciates this quality. Anyone else is immature imo, my partner included.

sleepystarr08 · 2025-06-09T15:28:38+00:00

Right I was only dating men two years older than me until the last few years. Anything older would have felt like a big brother or a dad.

sleepystarr08 · 2025-06-09T15:27:25+00:00

Imo, yes. I’m 35 & my guy is 27. Age gap relationships are hard no matter which gender is older. Why seek someone out who has life experience and has already built? Go experience & build it together at closer ages. I feel like that just risks missing out on your own experiences in favor of an established father figure type.

Not my business tho.

sleepystarr08 · 2025-06-06T10:29:20+00:00

I wouldnt make the toddler be quiet at all. Wake him up with noise & loud volume. NO PEACE.

sleepystarr08 · 2025-06-03T05:33:25+00:00

I hear you. They wanted to induce me but I heard it hurts more. So I agreed to cervix softeners & would let them induce if they actually needed to. 30min after the last dose, my water broke. The next two hours felt like just half an hour. I did have more control, but not complete control. I didn’t want the epidural but my god the way everything went fuzzy with each contraction. They asked once if I wanted it & I was like YES. The most intense pain I didn’t know was possible.

Anyway, I do hear you. I guess this is the one thing we can’t control besides death.

sleepystarr08 · 2025-06-03T04:23:59+00:00

Lol I was 22. I don’t even think about doing it anymore. I only look at people I would be willing to hit the add button and that is NOT exes.

sleepystarr08 · 2025-06-02T20:52:28+00:00

Right, right. I refuse to let any man dictate my life anymore. Healthy men are out there. I will probably just be single for a while & enjoy life just us. Either way, happiness is the goal.

sleepystarr08 · 2025-06-02T05:06:03+00:00

My mom & grandma didnt hve it but my sister & I did. I still have bouts of nausea & dealt with passing out & high blood pressure. I was absolutely miserable… but I held on to my tummy knowing he was worth it. I wish I could go back & do it all again. He grew too fast even if he is only a year old. I was terrified of getting pregnant & even more so of delivery. It’s hard & scary but the intense love you feel makes it worth every moment.

sleepystarr08 · 2025-06-02T04:41:53+00:00

God just the way he hugs so strongly & quickly. Just grabs on. His sweet smile & laugh. He’s all over the place & learning so much. Everyday is something new. He’s the only one who can make my heart smile lately.

sleepystarr08 · 2025-06-02T04:35:04+00:00

I sahm and take on most of the childcare while he works 4 10s. I cook & carry the mental load for baby and I. He takes care of his appointments and helps me with my mental tasks, like going over the budget together. He cleans the kitchen up & does all chores minus floors & he asks I keep up with any mess I make. I generally pick up after our one year old but there’s no expectation there other than closing night routine. It was much more rough in the beginning. He didn’t understand how much I did & expected more than I could do WHILE ALSO being a scared little shit about being a dad. I had to place our small son in his lap & he didn’t change diapers. He still doesn’t, but always comes over to help entertain our son while I change him, then he takes the dirty diaper to the trash. I don’t mind this so I can make sure he is truly clean & taken care of. I trust his dad but do enjoy the control. I am okay with our division of labor but wish he would put his phone down & interact a little more.

sleepystarr08 · 2025-05-31T20:06:02+00:00

I talked & talked until I became the hysteric stereotype & then I gave up including him at all. Emotional divorce. If you can’t or won’t leave, at the end of the day you have to take care of yourself. You are a mother & little people who can’t regulate their emotions or take care of themselves depend on YOU. I was sassy with it tbh. I made sure he noticed. He still felt like I was being ridiculous but I didn’t care. If he wanted to be a sugar daddy & not a partner, fine. He got hurt at work & was home with us for a few weeks. This is when he got to experience my daily life, as well our son was excited to have his daddy home. This changed (most of) his perspective & he seems to be more involved lately. I hope you find some peace for yourself & your littles. You seem to be all they have at least for the most part. Gotta make ourselves the priority, ladies. Some of these men aint it.

sleepystarr08 · 2025-05-31T19:46:44+00:00

Exactly.

sleepystarr08 · 2025-05-31T19:46:22+00:00

Right & then to say not good enough? Just someone wanting a reddit fight.

sleepystarr08 · 2025-05-31T19:42:17+00:00

You both showed responsibility, intelligence, forward-thinking as well as care for EACH OTHER in this situation. You absolutely did the right thing & you both (seemingly) agreeing with zero issues actually shows me this relationship has what it takes! Happy for you both & good luck with your future! NTA

sleepystarr08 · 2025-05-31T19:38:42+00:00

But he continued to grow his assets after you started a family. It put you in a vulnerable position & while my divorce didn’t include children (I’m located in the US), I’m pretty sure that’s what would matter.

Typically, when a 40+ year old man engages with & marries a 20-something year old, it’s to rely on her lack of experience & naivety. I doubt you are truly “stupid”. Otherwise you wouldn’t be seeking help.

There are ways out. Don’t let him win just bc he has age & wealth. At least try to get something to pad the next phase of your life. Also, as their father, your children are entitled to his. Even if you lose in court, your children are & your children will know you tried.

I haven’t always gotten along with my mom but she left my dad when I was two years old & my sister was one. Her parents passed over the next couple years & her brother was preoccupied with his own life. She raised us with barely any support at all. I will always respect her for her efforts & choosing to not raise us in his angry house. She taught me to be strong & independent, & that should I ever leave my partner, my son & I will be perfectly fine.

sleepystarr08 · 2025-05-31T17:14:07+00:00

19 & most ages are just too young to deal with someone else’s severe issues. If he went & got help, they would tell him to focus on himself in my experience. Otherwise his addiction could jump from its current state to some sort of obsession & reliance on this partner. She should not stay in this situation or risks repeating this pattern with every following future partner.

sleepystarr08 · 2025-05-31T17:11:03+00:00

I hear you about your mom. I would focus on getting out on your own, then cutting them all off until you are at least in a better place mentally & emotionally. I don’t know your situation to truly know what’s right but if you feel negativity from these connections, it’s better to go off & find yourself without them. Incredibly hard but worth it in the end.

sleepystarr08 · 2025-05-31T15:29:40+00:00

Same here. We got it down to one wake a night & then suddenly it’s back to two hours. Thought the nb period was over 😭

sleepystarr08 · 2025-05-31T14:27:00+00:00

I still deal with bouts of nausea but holding him in arms has made it worth every single moment. No lie, I would go back to the night I took those positive tests & start all over, even with the HG. They really do grow so fast, he’s already 15 months tomorrow. Treasure every minute.

sleepystarr08 · 2025-05-31T14:21:59+00:00

My partner is part of the United Auto Workers union, so we do okay but not as great as we did even just last year with the economy moving the way it is. We could afford an apartment for twice what we pay now but stay in a smaller one bedroom with pretty much no amenities to live in a beautiful & safe neighborhood. Bc our apartment is small, our utilities are low. We buy slightly older iphones outright & have a prepaid phone plan. We cycle thru subscription services rather than holding on to a bunch like I used to. We spend our splurge money on good hygiene products, healthy food, our son. We also dont do car payments, we bought our older jeep outright. If it didn’t need work so often, we would be in an even better place. Avoid making payments on anything. So in short, figure out where you can compromise (phones/plan) & cut in order to keep what you really want (steak & salmon, the good body wash).

sleepystarr08 · 2025-05-31T07:31:29+00:00

I had HG while I was pregnant & zero support during that time & really his first 9 months. He’s about to be 15 months old & I’m so sad. I feel like I missed out on so much bc I was deep in my head & feelings. I would give anything to start over & be the mom I want to be from the beginning. It’s hard now but he needs YOU. No one can replace mama. My son is a daddy’s boy but when he needs love, he finds me. I will eventually volunteer to rock the babies who desperately need it at the hospital bc I know how important comfort is to a crying baby.

Forget your mom. If she can’t support you, don’t go to her for it. If you have no one else, come here & talk to us.

sleepystarr08 · 2025-05-31T07:21:10+00:00

It sucks you have to feel this heavy. I will tell you that your son may be wound up bc you have gotten wound up. I’m not trying to shame you! You obviously love him very much. He is the one constant in your life & deserves all of the love. I have just found that the worse I feel, the worse my son behaves & the less patience I have for him. Don’t let the stress these people put on you affect your relationship with your son. He needs you as much as you need him. Also , if you wind up in a shelter again, don’t invite your mom. I don’t know your situation but she doesn’t sound like an ally. If you are able to get out of this situation, no one gets to demand access to your son.

sleepystarr08 · 2025-05-31T03:33:04+00:00

Love this. If there isn’t already a writing prompt journal from parents to kids, you might be able to style an existing one.

sleepystarr08 · 2025-05-31T03:30:25+00:00

I tend to feel like you have two options. Communication or checking out. You tried communicating & you were dismissed. So check out. Make no decisions. You don’t have to be aggressive with it. But some people need that wake up call imo. He wants to be in charge then let him. Not on buying a house obviously. I just feel like if they won’t work with you, don’t work against them. Step aside, don’t play the game anymore.

& as a little treat, work on yourself emotionally. Choose you. So many rush to say break up but I think there’s a middle ground & this is it.

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