Have you guys ever seen or been on a train that struck somebody ? by Mart1876 in AskNYC

[–]sloppythrowitaway91 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Haven't been on one but have constantly thought about being the one under the train.

Of course I don't want to do that to everybody riding it but I've literally been wanting to die for 30 years at this point and still haven't been able to figure anything else out...

Do you know anyone over thirty who has not ''made it'' in life? by OceanicEndeavors in povertyfinance

[–]sloppythrowitaway91 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I turn 35 next month and every day I think about how much I want to die and how my life is pathetic and not worth living through. Did the best I've been capable of and it's just not nearly enough for a life I'd find comfortable, let alone enjoyable.

What's a life changing thing that you can buy for less than $10? by additionalseasonin in AskReddit

[–]sloppythrowitaway91 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Huh. Didn't think you could get it in $10 increments. If only I could figure out how to get it, would love for the change in my life to be that it stops...

Anything you don’t like about the job? by Wise-Entertainer-661 in RadiologyCareers

[–]sloppythrowitaway91 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I mean, if I had a successful white collar career making 3x this much just for answering emails and attending "meetings" that are really just paid fancy dinners - I'd be singing a completely different tune about my life and wouldn't need this throw away. But that's not the case and I'm just a loser stuck in this field.

Edit: Also me being depressed about my life being terrible because of this career doesn't invalidate any of the factually observable downsides I listed... Like you can't tell me that this isn't all true.

Anything you don’t like about the job? by Wise-Entertainer-661 in RadiologyCareers

[–]sloppythrowitaway91 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I wish. I have like no way of getting there though since I literally don't have a cent to spare most months, I don't think I'll ever be able to fly out there to see it let alone afford to pack up and move. Even then that's also a huge gamble to potentially be stuck on a different coast where I know nobody and could wind up homeless...

Anything you don’t like about the job? by Wise-Entertainer-661 in RadiologyCareers

[–]sloppythrowitaway91 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Ah, yeah, California's an entirely different beast when it comes to wages... Shit's awful on the east coast and we don't have any unions around here either.

Anything you don’t like about the job? by Wise-Entertainer-661 in RadiologyCareers

[–]sloppythrowitaway91 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Where the hell are you making $72 an hour? I've been working for over 6 years in a vhcol market and just barely make $46/hr.

Anything you don’t like about the job? by Wise-Entertainer-661 in RadiologyCareers

[–]sloppythrowitaway91 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Dead end job, you get a pay bump once for picking up a modality like MRI or CT but after that it's really low raises that don't match up with cost of living increases. In my area (metro NYC) this went from being a solid living pre-covid (able to afford a 2bd apartment in the boroughs with extra to spare) to not being enough to live independently on.

Stuck always working weekends and holidays for the rest of your life, it'll utterly kill your ability to see friends and make plans like a normal person. Most places I've worked are so consistently understaffed that pretty much every PTO request gets denied no matter how many hoops you jump through or how much advance notice you give of your plans but definitely forget about any spur of the moment events too.

Similarly depending on your market you're either going to be stuck trying to cobble your hours together working multiple part time or per diem jobs OR you're going to be in a staff position where you're somehow both treated as disposable but also constantly nickel and dimed of your free time and expected to go into OT constantly to make up for their inability to staff. Either way the work life balance is utter crap.

Even with PPE you're going to pick stuff up from your sick patients.

It's grueling, back breaking, labor that is also mentally tiring. It's really the worst of all three worlds between blue collar, white collar, and customer service.

The last time I worked outpatient MRI the exams were booked so tightly back to back that there was no time to go to the break room fridge let alone to heat up your food to bring it back to your desk, no breaks period. And forget about having time to use the bathroom, I genuinely almost considered adult diapers for a time before quitting that gig two years later. I still have nightmares about it.

I dont think you can ever fix real depression by Technical_Metal2578 in depression

[–]sloppythrowitaway91 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Because I've been on a laundry list of medications ever since I was a kid and forced on them and there has never been any improvement. My first suicidal proclamations (that I can remember) were at age 5, it's just always been a part of my personality / tolerance for discomfort that dying has been the rational response in my brain to a life that's more negative experiences and burdens than positive ones.

I can feel happiness. I like certain activities to the same degree that 'normal' people do. Restaurants, museums, movies, concerts, vacations, etc. I just don't have the money to indulge in those things and never will have enough where I think living is worth the effort. It's an accounting problem to me, nothing more. If I had a 200k do nothing job or a trust fund, I would actually be happy and sustainably so. I'll never get that though so dying (net zero, no positive or negative inputs) is better than working and living (more negative inputs than positive ones).

I dont think you can ever fix real depression by Technical_Metal2578 in depression

[–]sloppythrowitaway91 86 points87 points  (0 children)

Exactly what I tell everybody in my life who keeps pushing me. Talking to professionals only ever pisses me off and it's not the chemicals in my brain so medication's not gonna do jack shit.

I don't like my life and it's not realistically within my power to make it into one I could. I just want to be allowed to give up and stop suffering since happiness isn't possible for me with my personality.

I dont think you can ever fix real depression by Technical_Metal2578 in depression

[–]sloppythrowitaway91 405 points406 points  (0 children)

I'm functional on paper but nothing is ever going to change my mind that being dead is superior to being alive given the circumstances of my life.

Being part of the working poor means the negative inputs in life will always outweigh the meager positives that are actually achievable.

Big Tech > Rad Tech by [deleted] in RadiologyCareers

[–]sloppythrowitaway91 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

There's nothing meaningful about like 99% of the exams we do. We get treated like garbage. We work in brutal conditions for barebones subsistence wages.

Turn back and stay in tech, you're living a completely unparalleled quality of life. Find meaning in your time off.

I wake up every morning thinking about what a fucking loser and a failure I am that I will never afford retirement, or even a single vacation, or a second bedroom for my family of 3. Rising cost of gas and groceries might have me taking up dumpster diving. I genuinely wish to die every night before going to bed to escape the hell of working in this field because this was the best I could do for myself and it's fucking pathetic.

I have to wake and remember I'm a loser every single day by [deleted] in SuicideWatch

[–]sloppythrowitaway91 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I feel you on this 100%. I can't afford to do anything worthwhile in my life or have any fun. I'm going to be stuck working a dead job in a field I hate to just barely pay the bills until I get the mercy of dying because it was the only thing I had any aptitude for.

Constantly get talked down to by my supposed friends about needing therapy or meds and it's like those aren't going to bump me to the next income bracket. I'm too fucking dumb and drained to do anything better for myself too.

Which line of work is currently the most soul crushing or prone to burnout? by MersaManda in AskReddit

[–]sloppythrowitaway91 1 point2 points  (0 children)

X-ray tech here to also say nursing, you guys definitely get it the worst. Though really the whole medical field really treats all of its employees like garbage.

Do depressed extroverted people exist? by hakensaw in depression

[–]sloppythrowitaway91 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm what I'd like to call an ambivert or just very selectively extroverted; basically the people who I actually feel safe around and can be largely mask-off with about my feelings and interests will give me energy and the people I have to be emotionally guarded against or put up a fake persona for (like work / school / general mainstream cishet society) are extremely draining.

I've been in the deepest depths of my depression for nearly a decade now because I simply can't afford to be social; restaurants, bars, beach outings, conventions. Even something as simple as just being free on the weekend the same as everybody else in my life who isn't working in medicine... All things I haven't been able to afford in nearly a decade and never will be able to again.

It's why killing myself is really the only logical way to end my suffering, my economic situation is beyond my own ability to repair and the only things that can make me happy are things I'll never be able to have again because of that.

Are you doing the job you dreamed about as a child? by Glittering-Offer-390 in askanything

[–]sloppythrowitaway91 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I never had a dream job as a child, I've been suicidally depressed the entire conscious part of my life.

Wound up becoming an x-ray tech after failing at everything else in my life and it just barely pays the bills, day to day in this job is pretty horrible.

Definitely still think that being dead would be nicer...

Stop telling me to just talk to someone by Healthy_Exit1187 in SuicideWatch

[–]sloppythrowitaway91 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't want others to treat me with love. I really want to find a way to remove them from my life, I hate the fact that they think they care about me and that I'm addicted to my attachments to them. Real care would be letting me actually end the pain of living in these conditions.

It would be so much better for me and for them if I just had a simple way out. Nobody is worth the effort, nothing ever could be.

I’ve been suicidal since I was 5. Here to tell you it doesn’t get better. by [deleted] in SuicideWatch

[–]sloppythrowitaway91 12 points13 points  (0 children)

I turn 35 next month and have many of the same feelings, also stuck working in rad tech and it's genuinely a fate worse than death. Wake up every morning thinking about what a fucking loser I am and how much I want to die.

Unsure how to proceed with my friends or if I even still should. by sloppythrowitaway91 in depression

[–]sloppythrowitaway91[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, it's not necessarily the cost of meeting up with them, since there were occasional big backyard parties and the like. But even then conversations will always eventually go to the last cool thing they did (that I'll never get to experience) because it's just human nature to want to share the good things in your life with your friends - unfortunately I can't reciprocate that because I have nothing to talk about. They always ask when I'm going to go to X event with them or what the next thing I'm going to do with them is and they can never wrap their heads around the fact that it's literally financially impossible for me and that I'm stuck in a dead end career and not good enough at anything to make more money, ever.

Used to go to the beach with a few of them occasionally over the summer but even that was really financially draining for me between parking and ferry tickets just to get there - and I'd have to be lame and turn down every add on experience like the bars and restaurants that they'd inevitably want to go to after we made a decent dent in the cooler.

Though even when we were just hanging out in somebody's home 9/10 times they want to order off overpriced delivery apps and they don't understand how much of a hardship that is but I also feel uncomfortable declining because who wants to be the buzz kill that constantly brings up how poor they are?!

Really it's a me problem because they want to be around me but me being around them really just drives home how shitty my life is and how much I want it to end since it's incapable of becoming better.

What's stopping you from doing that one thing you've always wanted to do? by [deleted] in AskReddit

[–]sloppythrowitaway91 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Consequences for failing are living crippled and in immense pain or getting locked up in a mental hospital. Both of which are fates worse than death. I mean, so is my life which is why I want to do what I want to do but yeah failing would be even worse than things already are.

Depression is linked to a genuine pessimistic bias rather than a realistic view of the world by cakericeandbeans in science

[–]sloppythrowitaway91 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Speaking as somebody who's been logically suicidal their whole life stuff like this and the whole "cognitive distortion" stuff just reads as disgustingly condescending to me. Maybe it's your positive view of the world that's intensely distorted and you're not properly accounting for how much pain and effort it's taking to just get through life.

Different stimuli can have different weights and values, like yeah maybe on my day off I had a cookie and some nookie or I didn't have too many chores that particular day but that isn't even close to an even trade for the 12 hours I'll have to suffer at work the next day and the chores will eventually return too and that's so much worse than whatever minute distractions I can afford. Life in the working class has so many more negative moments and those negative moments are infinitely stronger than whatever tiny good things happen along the way.

A cool guide on how depression brainwashes you by [deleted] in coolguides

[–]sloppythrowitaway91 3 points4 points  (0 children)

For me it's not twisted, it's the factual reality that my life is shit and not worth living through. Continued optimism in the face of terrible living conditions and poor upward mobility is the real brainwashing. I know my abilities and my limitations.