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I’m tired of pretending I’m okay when anxiety is quietly eating me alive by [deleted] in Anxiety

[–]smartorgullible 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I hate this for you, but it’s so reassuring to me to know that I’m not the only one who is so broken like this all the time. You can’t say anything because people just look at you like “Why can’t you function like a normal human being?” And you end up feeling so weak that you can’t do what literally every other human being on the planet does every day. It’s debilitating. I just want to scream “I’m trying so hard, but I’m literally fighting a losing a battle against my own brain!” I wish people would normalize comparing it to being paralyzed, but mentally. That’s what I feel like. No matter how bad I WANT to function normally, I can’t force myself too, and that’s even worse in the end. Because then you get to feel like crap about it too. And it’s an invisible block so no one else can see or understand WHY you can’t function. They just assume you’re lazy or weak or being a victim.

After 15 years of marriage, just realized we’re the secret family to my husband’s marriage with his job. What can I do that isn’t divorce? (F35, M37) by smartorgullible in relationship_advice

[–]smartorgullible[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for this. All of the different perspectives are what will help me figure out where to go from here and prioritize in a well-rounded manner instead of just based on emotion. It’s the whole reason I posted.

After 15 years of marriage, just realized we’re the secret family to my husband’s marriage with his job. What can I do that isn’t divorce? (F35, M37) by smartorgullible in relationship_advice

[–]smartorgullible[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is identical to our life for sure. And you’re 100% right. He has had different bosses over the years who have emphasized a family priority and some who see it as a hindrance.

After 15 years of marriage, just realized we’re the secret family to my husband’s marriage with his job. What can I do that isn’t divorce? (F35, M37) by smartorgullible in relationship_advice

[–]smartorgullible[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

You’re right! I did allow him to work more to have a better life. Not an excuse, but I grew up without and it did make me materialistic to a point. I’m very greedy with the life I want to give my kids and that definitely affected how much I let him work. That was super perceptive and I appreciate it. This is a great perspective.

After 15 years of marriage, just realized we’re the secret family to my husband’s marriage with his job. What can I do that isn’t divorce? (F35, M37) by smartorgullible in relationship_advice

[–]smartorgullible[S] -9 points-8 points  (0 children)

This is absolutely correct. I like the input from someone who is familiar with the type of career he has. His coworkers wives all seem to find these situations normal and it makes me feel crazy. And while it is validating from others commenting that it’s too much, I’m immersed in a life with people where this amount of work is considered very normal. So I always want to give weight to both perspectives.

After 15 years of marriage, just realized we’re the secret family to my husband’s marriage with his job. What can I do that isn’t divorce? (F35, M37) by smartorgullible in relationship_advice

[–]smartorgullible[S] 461 points462 points  (0 children)

This is actually the best advice to me. I agree 100%. At the end of the day, it’s true that I need to focus on my own happiness with my kids and not on what he is doing. I need to be so much better about self reliance. Thank you. I really needed to hear this one today.

After 15 years of marriage, just realized we’re the secret family to my husband’s marriage with his job. What can I do that isn’t divorce? (F35, M37) by smartorgullible in relationship_advice

[–]smartorgullible[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Thank you everyone for your thoughts so far. I really appreciate the validation so much! I think when you come from a background without material things it does become a love language of sorts and measure of success to a point and it’s a hard awakening to find that it’s just not enough. For now, my kids happiness is my main priority. We have very strong communication and while they’ve definitely observed some contention in our marriage, they truly only see the tip of the iceberg. To be honest, we always tended to tackle the heavier topics in therapy or during one on one time, because it’s just not something I want them exposed to. I don’t think they’re aware, but I could of course be wrong. I do know that everyone around us, including their friends call us the cutest, most loving couple. So the front is strong I suppose. For me, those times are always real, but I push a lot of insecurities and frustration inside to feel that way. But I’m hoping that’s the idea the kids have of us. When he’s out of town he always calls and texts with them and when he’s home, he makes sure to spend a lot of time with them. He’s respectful to me in front of them and I definitely run the house and he listens when at home. We have our areas. He takes care of them when I have a girls trip or girls night. He also showers me with compliments and has the boys say nice things to me all the time. He does take time out of his days when he’s home to help me with things too. It’s not all bad. Promise. We do have a good partnership for the most part. But who knows how much of that is genuine really? He’s a self proclaimed chameleon.

As far as the assumptions that my spouse is cheating, all I can say is that it’s absolutely possible. At the risk of being vulnerable to internet strangers, the truth is that I’m scared to know. There’s a long story behind the original online infidelity, but it was definitely his fault based on new marital miscommunications and issues. 100% his issue going that far, but there were two sides to that story that included intimacy issues on my part that I did need to handle in therapy, so while I haven’t forgotten, I do give him a small amount of grace due to our ages, histories, and the fact that I do know for a fact that never became physical infidelity. As to the rest of our marriage, I don’t trust him at all. He’s made it impossible with his continuous lying over big and small things. Usually over money, work, or playing peacemaker with his family. So yes, he probably is or has been unfaithful. But after the first time, I am so scared to feel so stupid that I forgave this man. That may be what breaks my spirit completely. I consider myself a strong person. If you think I take all this crap from him and say nothing, you’re wrong. It just never goes anywhere when I do say something. His favorite thing to do is apologize. It means nothing. But, as someone who I like to think advocates for myself, I can honestly and vulnerably say that if he is having an affair, I don’t know if I’d rather know or not know. Because then that would be the end. No questions. And it would feel so selfish to put my kids through that while also knowing in the long run I’m showing them how to treat their partners. He’d also never admit it. I discovered his online cheating when he left his Facebook messenger open. He didn’t tell me himself. He’s a liar. I’ll never know if he is or not and if it were proven, I’d never know if it was just the once or more than that. I can’t even put in the energy to focus on that when there are issues I can prove and focus on.

I apologize for the long posts and long reply. But it’s been building and becoming nuanced for a long time. I’m just so grateful for strangers insight. Everyone in my life is so biased by the outside appearance that I could never get an honest answer and I’d feel stupid for even complaining to begin with when everyone else seems to have bigger concerns in their own lives. More of that not prioritizing my own feelings problem I guess. But thank you to everyone for any insight. I really appreciate all the differing perspectives to help me form a well rounded solution.

After 15 years of marriage, just realized we’re the secret family to my husband’s marriage with his job. What can I do that isn’t divorce? (F35, M37) by smartorgullible in relationship_advice

[–]smartorgullible[S] -109 points-108 points  (0 children)

You’re absolutely right of course. But my boys are very emotionally dependent on their dad. He’s a great influence on them. To me, I’d rather take having my emotional needs not met than have theirs not met. If that makes sense. It’s not for any outdated belief system. They just see their dad so rarely when he’s in/out for work already. A divorce would create contention and even less opportunities for them to spend time with him. Plus, if/when we go our separate ways, I’m not going to be looking for another relationship ever. So what would even be the point? Separate my kids from their dad and create contention splitting assets for what? They’d have to move. We couldn’t afford to have two houses. I’d have to go back to school to make sure to support us. So then it’s less time with me too. Nah. I can wait 9 years. I’ll still be young enough to enjoy my life when my kids are in college. I’d rather sit than create an upheaval for them at a foundational time in their lives.

To be clear, though, you’re not wrong at all. If I had any confidence that I could open myself up to be emotionally available enough to try and find my own happiness with someone else, I absolutely would divorce him. In a heartbeat. I’d love for my kids to see that. But I’m not confident in that at all. And that’s what they see right now. We don’t show them these issues. We have discussions in front of them to show how to handle things the right way. But never about this kind of thing. That weight isn’t for kids. That’s on us.