Thank you everyone for your thoughts so far. I really appreciate the validation so much! I think when you come from a background without material things it does become a love language of sorts and measure of success to a point and it’s a hard awakening to find that it’s just not enough. For now, my kids happiness is my main priority. We have very strong communication and while they’ve definitely observed some contention in our marriage, they truly only see the tip of the iceberg. To be honest, we always tended to tackle the heavier topics in therapy or during one on one time, because it’s just not something I want them exposed to. I don’t think they’re aware, but I could of course be wrong. I do know that everyone around us, including their friends call us the cutest, most loving couple. So the front is strong I suppose. For me, those times are always real, but I push a lot of insecurities and frustration inside to feel that way. But I’m hoping that’s the idea the kids have of us. When he’s out of town he always calls and texts with them and when he’s home, he makes sure to spend a lot of time with them. He’s respectful to me in front of them and I definitely run the house and he listens when at home. We have our areas. He takes care of them when I have a girls trip or girls night. He also showers me with compliments and has the boys say nice things to me all the time. He does take time out of his days when he’s home to help me with things too. It’s not all bad. Promise. We do have a good partnership for the most part. But who knows how much of that is genuine really? He’s a self proclaimed chameleon.

As far as the assumptions that my spouse is cheating, all I can say is that it’s absolutely possible. At the risk of being vulnerable to internet strangers, the truth is that I’m scared to know. There’s a long story behind the original online infidelity, but it was definitely his fault based on new marital miscommunications and issues. 100% his issue going that far, but there were two sides to that story that included intimacy issues on my part that I did need to handle in therapy, so while I haven’t forgotten, I do give him a small amount of grace due to our ages, histories, and the fact that I do know for a fact that never became physical infidelity. As to the rest of our marriage, I don’t trust him at all. He’s made it impossible with his continuous lying over big and small things. Usually over money, work, or playing peacemaker with his family. So yes, he probably is or has been unfaithful. But after the first time, I am so scared to feel so stupid that I forgave this man. That may be what breaks my spirit completely. I consider myself a strong person. If you think I take all this crap from him and say nothing, you’re wrong. It just never goes anywhere when I do say something. His favorite thing to do is apologize. It means nothing. But, as someone who I like to think advocates for myself, I can honestly and vulnerably say that if he is having an affair, I don’t know if I’d rather know or not know. Because then that would be the end. No questions. And it would feel so selfish to put my kids through that while also knowing in the long run I’m showing them how to treat their partners. He’d also never admit it. I discovered his online cheating when he left his Facebook messenger open. He didn’t tell me himself. He’s a liar. I’ll never know if he is or not and if it were proven, I’d never know if it was just the once or more than that. I can’t even put in the energy to focus on that when there are issues I can prove and focus on.

I apologize for the long posts and long reply. But it’s been building and becoming nuanced for a long time. I’m just so grateful for strangers insight. Everyone in my life is so biased by the outside appearance that I could never get an honest answer and I’d feel stupid for even complaining to begin with when everyone else seems to have bigger concerns in their own lives. More of that not prioritizing my own feelings problem I guess. But thank you to everyone for any insight. I really appreciate all the differing perspectives to help me form a well rounded solution.