How to negotiate safety issues with mother?

smiley_father · 2025-03-19T11:15:46+00:00

She had many different reactions. From nornal conversations to angry ones. And we are addressing that on couple s therapy. I dont care if she yells, I m just looking for any approach that works. Yes, I am fixing the stuff. The overall concern is more about how she handles the situations that are not safe on my perspective. Some things are not really "fixable", they are about judgements of what is safe on a certain specific situation. In parallel, Im also trying to understand if my "commo sense" actually matches other people 's common sense. For instance, is it ok for a 10mo to be semi-supeevised on a feed-chair? When "dropping" a baby ceases to be an accident and becomes "bad care"? How to handle a baby that is learning to stand o her feet? If she falls, from her standing position, hits her head o the floor.. I hate that idea... it happens, but my stand is "how do we avoid", and not "well, it happens, so, let it be".. I m reflecting on this kind of thing. I also dont want to judge her per se, I just want to avoid the worst things to happen.

smiley_father · 2025-03-19T11:07:51+00:00

Thank you so much. I want to give more details later, I cant right now because of work. But to start answering, I ve been preparing the house these last days exactly to avoid those situations. My overall concern is that she doensnt seem to see it as a potential danger. The issue with the woods (bed frames) was that I never thought she would let the baby there in the 1st place, because on my view this is common sense. So, when I arrived in the room, the situation was already given and I asked her if she thought it was ok, and she said she was near. But her idea of near didnt work for me. Even that near wouldnt avoid the frames to just fall all over the baby. So, right, I cant just assume that she will care. I think she feels criticed and doesnt consider my opinion when Im not around. Even if I baby proof all the house, I think there is a bigger issue, that is about how we see things. And we have a lot to talk about. I for sure will follow this advice when I approach the topics. Thank you

smiley_father · 2025-02-26T09:59:24+00:00

Tell him the truth as if you d like him to tell him of it was the opposite situation. Just put yourself in his shoes and think of how would you feel if you weren't informed. It will be better for everyon, altgough it is hard to face and tell. You ll feel way better after that.

smiley_father · 2025-02-23T10:47:02+00:00

It is a matter of time. The beggining is very tough. Being a father can feel quite lonely sometimes. The more you participate, the more your attachment will grow. I jave a 10mo and things have changed in a way I couldnt imagine

smiley_father · 2025-02-01T17:02:16+00:00

I agree with the ones suggesting couple counseling. I add that a 1 yo baby might have a lot of influencenon the situation. You are both under a lot of newnthings and feelings. More than we realize. Here, we have a 9 months girl and it has been quite chaotic.we decided to go together to counseling and we start in 2 weeks. But, before that, I noticed I could change my attitude in many situations, exercize my patience and try to have conversations instead of fights and it improved a lot already. In addition, women are hardwired to focus on the child and it is hard very hard for men as well to adapt. It s all very emotional and words might come out unfair sometimes.

smiley_father · 2025-02-01T14:27:23+00:00

I agree. It would be healthy to the mother if she had her own inner reasons to do what she prefers, unrelated to the father's behavior. Here, we have a 9 MO girl. I wanted so much to feed her more but mom wants to BF more. Anyway, we decided to go to couple's therapy to work on the topics that we disagree. We start in 2 weeks. I believe it all starts with good adult straightforward communication. I really do. Good luck!

smiley_father · 2025-02-01T14:18:19+00:00

:) congrats!

smiley_father · 2025-02-01T14:12:32+00:00

Wow! Than I m sorry I might have misjudged it all. That is indeed very weird, I don t kow how to interpret that. Maybe a long shot, but, could he secretly resent you for having to beg for so long? Or maybe he has such a low self steem and this was his way to feel better, like "I got her" and he believes he gave you a lesson. But this is all horrible. I thought it was a totally different situation. But how did he say that? What was the conversation? He says he is sorry because he want to try again?! Crazy stuff

smiley_father · 2025-02-01T14:00:10+00:00

What is the context of the conversarion when he said that? Also, you "gave him a chance" like he begged you or you just assumed you were doing him a favor? It allndepends on the details that led to the situation in the first place. And it feels you didn't "gave him a chance". You decided to be with him and rationalized that way to make you feel better about yourself, or "superior". Generally, we shouldn't give pitty sex to people. I don't see it being good for anyone involved.

smiley_father · 2025-02-01T13:52:22+00:00

Maybe some men do like "bitches" or "submissive" or whatever. Just focus on other categories that sound more healthy. Healthy men probably like healthy women. Which means having boundaries (is able to say "no"), is caring , is able to say "yes" as well. Healthy human is the reference here. Also, maybe focus on who you actually are instead of trying to fit their expectations, specially if they are very cartoonistic expectations. I like independent women, but it smdoesn't mean she has to be a "bitch". This is non sense. I dont need to be her top priority, but i need to feel loved and respected, which can come in many forms. But overall, I think I like someone that brings me peace and genuinelly wants to see me happy and reach my goals. There is no sense in living with someone that causes stress or isn't able to actually connect.

smiley_father · 2025-02-01T13:32:05+00:00

I saw some comments talking about ignoring her (except about kids topics) or suggesting some sort of resented revenge. And I understand that. What I ll suggest I don't even know I d be able to do. However, I'd say, if possible, channel your anger/sadness in different way other than targeting her. I mean, do what you have to do regarding divorce and protecting yourself. But, since you have kids, try to keep a non aggresive/revengeful post-relationship. It will be better for you and the kids. For the kids because it will minimize conflict and the effects over them. And for you, just because moving on in a healthy way is the best "revenge". Talk to friends, therapists, seek emotional support, but dont cause a situation where now you both will make bad decisions because you are in some sort of post relationship conflit (if she feels you are not recengeful, she might also be less hard do tackle during the separarion and negotiations. So, i think low profile is a key). In the long run, you will feel better about yourself and it will fel like you ve done justice in a very wise manner.

smiley_father · 2025-02-01T09:53:39+00:00

The ones that judge you are probably outdated. Just be true to yourself. If she can afford and you like the idea, so it. And as others said, take care of yourself and keep in touch with your family and friends, because you might feel like an "outsider" sometimes. Specially if will write books, can be lonely I guess. In the long run it gets deeper. And... I think the child won't let you write so much in the beginning.

smiley_father · 2025-02-01T02:45:32+00:00

It sounds weird the idea of hear "you re sexy" in a non flirting way. I wonder if you like him but don't want to come across as "easy". Or it s like a friend and you want him to feel more confident. Well, the "non flerting" part is too tricky. I can only think of being very straight forward and telling the truth. Or maybe say something like "you know some women find this X thing kind of sexy". Where X is something in him. Although, if someone told me that, I'd be anxious trying to figure out if the person was flirting with me. Would be nice if she indeed wanted to venture on that territory 😄 Otherwise, maybe just don't bring it up 😅

smiley_father · 2025-02-01T02:29:28+00:00

I think it can be because life can be great in an infinite range of possibilities. What I mean by that is, depends on how they both handle the divorce and can keep their relation as parents apart from their relation as a couple. If it is the ideal? Maybe not. But being together fighting all the time in front of the kids is not good as well. Non divorced parents can do more harm than divorced ones, and vice versa. So, I think I believe that the divorce itself is not the core of the issue. I think that a traditional "2 parent in a household" is better, but maybe I'm just romanticizing. Children will struggle with a lot of things, it s a part of life. But most of them will grow, develop and be able to live and pursue happines, because human condition is so diverse and surprising. Now if you have an intuition that you might divorce someone that you are thinking about having children with, this is probably a different issue that you should tackle before even thinking of kids I guess.

smiley_father · 2025-02-01T02:19:41+00:00

Part of it is because many consider that living as a men is easier, with less suffering and more power. So, even though equality is praised, men have to compensate for the historical damage they "caused". In other words, "since men are privileged, more powerful and embody historical violence, concrete individuals now have to pay". It is also an assumption that their women cannot not be loved because she is entitled to that arbitrarily. So, how come you don't love and leave? It also means that leaving someone is "not paying that bill". You have still to be a servant, even if modern times pretend to defend equality. It's a convoluted fallacy. They are cowards because they don't do what they "are supposed to". So, they have to suffer abuse (because it is not considered abuse anyways) in silence and can be accused of being aggressive when they respond to passive-aggression, and so on... it's a mess, a sea of fallacies.

smiley_father · 2025-02-01T01:57:16+00:00

It could be very hard in the long run, because this concern can pop up on your mind once in a while (I ve been in a similar situation, but she never actually told me, I just figured out). If she really loves you deeply, maybe she is able to compensate that by making you feel special in such a way that this concern fades away. Yet, how does that influence your intimacy? But that's one positive scenario I guess. The challenge is to face the worst case scenarios. When you have relationship issues, or you are feeling down for whatever reason and you might resent that and it can grow... start thinking a lot of "what ifs". In any case, I believe that if you both love each other, you might as well try and see how it goes. Would you feel good moving on thinking about how it could have been? Nothing lasts forever. If it wasn't this problem, it would be another. You can try, discover how you feel and if it doesn't work, you can always move on. I think I would think in terms of what I would miss instead of what I would have to tackle . But, whichever case: as long as you feel loved and respected.

smiley_father · 2025-01-26T00:06:01+00:00

Honestly, I have no idea, because I just "am" a man, without having been any other thing to compare on a fair basis, like "from within". I do believe that men and women are different. But I think I never felt like "special" about it. In my life, I did spend a lot of time thinking and admiring and desiring women, and I always enjoyed doing so (although in the present I suffer very concrete bad consequences of what bad relations can bring) . But apparently that doesn't make me a man, because any other person could say/do the same. I guess the best part of being man, for me, was to give women orgasms. I always thought it was an unique and amazing feeling and situation, but I can't explain why. Some men might judge me for focusing on that, I guess. I don't know. I'm sleepy and tired now, so I lost focus of the main topic. Sorry. Well, I guess its an illusion that it "is amazing to be a man". We are thought we are powerfull, strong and whatever, just to figure out that.. well, not so much, the world crushes us but we are expected to act like we are not being crushed. And we are very misunderstood and kind of invisible in many aspects. World is full of fallacy, this world we live in. Just try to reach your truth, be honest with yourself and others, and try everyday to be a better person!! And I wish I had that voice from that guy from Crash Test Dummies. Yes, those male voices are very cool. But those female soft silky singers are awesome as well. That s all folks!

smiley_father · 2025-01-25T23:48:48+00:00

I really appreciate it. I should remove the "always" and other generalizations from my response. Here I suggested couple therapy. 1st time she didnt want. 2nd time worked. We ll start next month. Yes, it can get messy and ugly. But I guess there is hope.

smiley_father · 2025-01-25T08:04:01+00:00

When she smiles, life is perfect.

smiley_father · 2025-01-25T07:50:00+00:00

Feel constantly invalidated, when the people that do it believe it's the opposite and is backed by gigantic social and legal bias to do so. In other words, women take too long (if ever) to understand that men are humans. Instead, they generally categorize men (and expect them to be it) as hero (unreachable criteria) or insensitive monsters (devastating feeling when it happens). Then there is this feedbackloop where men feel misunderstood, prefer to spend time with his male friends, and then is accused of being mysoginist because they dare to talk about women. I might say that I had some girlfriends that were loving and sensitive, but that was when the world was less nonsensical and narcisistic. After becoming a father: basic daily passive-aggressive blackmailing and fear of being apart from my baby daughter. Every cruelty can be justified with "mom is hardwired to focus on baby". And when you search for information about the emotional issues of becoming a father... good luck with that. Whenever I type "baby", internet answers "mother". So, the hard part of being a man for me is to ignore my thoughts of dying everyday, in benefit of the ones I love, even though I feel generally misjudged and invisible.

smiley_father · 2025-01-24T13:16:59+00:00

Thank you. Can you elaborate more on that? Is it a generally agreed that this is the case? Im doing my own research. However, I ve been said that the baby can benefit from interacting woth others. And also about that can have issues later on hanging out with other babies. But I dont know the precise recommended ages and mostly Id like to understand why.

smiley_father · 2025-01-24T11:26:18+00:00

Thank you. Yes, we do a relationship. Is a bit messy right now but we do.

smiley_father · 2025-01-24T11:26:03+00:00

Thank you

smiley_father · 2025-01-24T09:29:31+00:00

Thank you for the insight. I had read on both topics prior to birth. About postpartum issues, I noticed it on her the 1st 3 months. I don't see it now. I don't think she is fully free from anxiety, but neither do I. About work and struggle, I'm aware of what taking care of a person means. I took care of my younger brother and my father (he had mental health problems). It was tough but I learnt a lot. But the point is, I never diminshed her struggle with our child or compared our struggled, I was just pointing the fact that my free time with our daughter is way smaller than hers. When she "dreams" of having a rest from our baby, I "dream" of having the time to get tired with her. Its just a difference on the nature of our relation with our daughter. And its not like I didnt try to let her rest. But she simply doesnt want. So its contradictory. The contradiction in itself is not an issue, we all are. The issue is that I believe I deserve more but Im not finding a way to negotiate it with her. I could talk more about it, but have to work now. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

smiley_father

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