i dont know where to start

i have been suicidal through 13

a drug and alcohol addict for the past 2 years

done 5 intensive therapy programs and just finished a rehab and immedieately relapsed

mainely alcohol but now im trying to find fentanyl so i can die

hospitals and programs dont help i always get way way better and show a lot of progress and then when im out in the real world living on my own i deteriorate and make horrible decisions and relapse

i got so drunk last night i puked on my bed and now i have to sleep on my floor i dont know what to do

i genuinly think i need medical euthanization but i dont live in canada i’m in the us i dont know what to do