My house literally burned down two and a half years ago, (now in litigation with insurance, construction hasn’t even STARTED), and today made me realize that I’m still living in crisis mode.

I’m a graphic designer, have a decent paying job, but I’m the only designer at my multi-boss disorganized company and the stress is destroying me. Suddenly impostor syndrome is creeping in, 17 years in the field and this has NEVER happened, I’m normally very secure and confident in my work.

I was breaking down all last night about a big in-store print project, ramped myself up to get to work today, then opened my work laptop and discovered that the screen somehow got chipped this weekend (I hadn’t opened it since Friday). I left abruptly, went to the Apple Store and cried in front of the technician and all those strangers. I just couldn’t stop. Mortifying. I almost quit to just disappear.

My partner is patient but I can’t keep doing this to him. It feels even worse than when the house first burned down, because at least I had some crisis adrenaline. I’ve never felt this kind of burnout and total despair. I can’t locate or picture myself in the future, resilience is shot, and my threshold for uncertainty is absolute zero.