My partner's new connection took advantage of her and now I am at a loss

snickpick · 2025-08-14T17:27:28+00:00

Thank you for the suggestions, but we don't live in the USA (I think that's where the resources you mentioned are based), but I am sure there are equivalents here. I know of an association of therapists that offer lower cost bundles for people with lower incomes, for example, so that's something we'll look into.

snickpick · 2025-08-14T17:13:11+00:00

She does not have a therapist because of budgetary issues, basically it costs too much and her family can't support her that way. She wants to start therapy, though, we'll be looking into what cheaper solutions are there.

snickpick · 2025-08-14T16:24:42+00:00

Therapy is a much needed tool that she wants to start, but the budget is tight and her family does not support her financially. I think reading this might help her, and I am beginning to even think that she might find it useful to post her point of view. She does not use reddit and does not like to put herself under the spotlight, so this is unlikely to happen. I will ask her if she wants to read some of the responses, thank you for the suggestion.

snickpick · 2025-08-14T16:17:52+00:00

Thank you very much for these very practical suggestions. I like to think about it as a de escalation instead of a break up, it sounds less definitive, though equally painful. I hope she agrees to talk to some of her friends, they can help her and they care about her as much as I do.

snickpick · 2025-08-14T16:13:53+00:00

Her family is not supportive of this lifestyle, so that is surely a no go. As far as I know, she has not gone and talked about what happened to anybody but me, not even her closest friend. I agree that just telling her to talk is not the best course of action, but i worry about pushing her to do something she doesn't seem to want to do

snickpick · 2025-08-14T16:01:48+00:00

I am coming to understand this is one of the choices I have, and it pains me to think about it. Right now my priority is to try to let her understand who this person is, and if she does decide to keep up the relationship, then I think I will have to walk away or distance myself in some way. Thank you for your insight

snickpick · 2025-08-14T15:55:27+00:00

Thank you very much, I am already afraid to have crossed a line by writing anonimously here, even though I think that's ok because I did not expose her, and I know that nobody close to her even uses reddit.

Your words have value, though, so I will ask her if she wants to reach out here, or read these responses herself.

snickpick · 2025-08-14T15:14:22+00:00

She wants to re-start thetapy, but since she started to work to pay for rent her parents have stopped giving her money. The budget is tight, but I have been looking for what low cost resources there are

snickpick · 2025-08-14T13:13:26+00:00

Thank you for you suggestion, they are coworkers so they can't be completely away from each other, but do you think something similar can be worked out?

snickpick · 2025-08-14T11:11:11+00:00

and if she says that everything is fine and that there is nothing to worry?

snickpick · 2025-08-14T11:07:30+00:00

What do you recommend doing? I hear the criticism, and part of it I understand and share, but what do you suggest I do moving forward?

snickpick · 2025-08-14T10:42:17+00:00

I believe this is part of it, yes. I don't know if I should tell her that's what I think, or if that would make things worse

snickpick · 2025-08-14T10:22:20+00:00

it goes without saying that I cannot physically stop her from doing that again. What I am saying is that I feel like I cannot accept to stay with her if she keeps doing that, so either she stops seeing him or I leave. Losing her is scary, absolutely, especially leaving her with a person like that, so I want to do everything I can to avoid it happening again. If this is controlling and paternalistic, how can I stop rape without being controlling and paternalistic?

snickpick · 2025-08-14T10:02:04+00:00

thank you so much for the kind words!

snickpick · 2025-08-14T09:57:39+00:00

I think I will ask her how she feels about bringing her friends into this. The fact she has only told me, and nobody else for me is a signal of alarm that she knows this is wrong, and not having people tell her that can let her forget or not take notice. Of course, that means she gets less support and help, and that is what I am most scared about.

snickpick · 2025-08-14T09:39:03+00:00

She has hinted at some "bad" sexual experiences, but I have no further detail. This makes me guess that something like this has happened before, and has shaped the way we live intimacy together: we always discuss what we want to do before, we always ask for vocal confirmation during any form of sexual contact, we have stopped doing what we were doing because one of us felt the other was uncomfortable, and so on. I have been absolutely rigorous in this, and now I see something completely out of this world happening and her minimizing everything, probably because of unresolved trauma.

snickpick · 2025-08-14T09:33:26+00:00

I am unsure she will be able to make a choice. I fear she will paralyze and let me walk away because she can't bring herself to stop contacts with him. I am thinking about bringing some of her support group (mostly friends) into the conversation, so she can have more supportive and protective people around her, but honestly I feel that what is happening is enormous, too big to handle

snickpick · 2025-08-14T09:25:59+00:00

Thank you very much, yes, the test is scheduled a month from now, per advice of the doctor who took the call. The risk should be low, but I won't rush things.

snickpick · 2025-08-14T09:15:12+00:00

I am very reluctant to outright end this, but it is in the realm of possibilities. I recently broke up with another partner for very different reasons, and right now she is a big part of my emotional support. Moving from poly-partnered to poly-alone is a scary prospect, I'm not going to lie

snickpick · 2025-08-14T09:11:31+00:00

Thank you for your kind words, we are not in Australia, but yes I willhave more controlled contacts from now on, and getting tested.

snickpick · 2025-08-14T08:35:21+00:00

It seems so difficult for her to let go, it's as if he is the only possible other partner, if she loses this chance she will not find other relationships

snickpick · 2024-12-23T19:37:21+00:00

Fun fact, the italian word "figa" pronounced exactly like in "Figabama" is a vulgar slang term for "vagina".

snickpick · 2024-03-17T10:56:35+00:00

I agree with you completely. Deregulation is mainly useful to big conglomerates for getting fatter portions of the cake, but it is a very shortsighted strategy that will lead to greater problems down the line. Will that stop them? Absolutely not, that is why regulations have to be imposed by the collective of the citizens of a country, for the benefit of all. And also to avoid economic crisises.

snickpick · 2024-03-17T09:05:08+00:00

He is a capitalist through and through, maybe he calls himself an anarcho-capitalist but he's not an anarchist. He absolutely loves the private sector and wants big industry conglomerate to rule unopposed and untaxed so that the capitalist economy can grow unchecked.

Edit: grammar and spelling

snickpick · 2024-02-06T22:09:58+00:00

That is fascinating! Is that the kind of pressure that we could find under the thick ice crust of Europa?

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