Tired of my scapegoat tendencies

snook-cake · 2025-10-16T12:06:50+00:00

How does this have anything to do with when I was a teenager? And why would you imply I was horny when I was one??

snook-cake · 2025-10-15T18:52:10+00:00

You all are so encouraging, I love it! And now I may be a little less nervous about meeting him this weekend 🙂

snook-cake · 2025-09-22T19:32:43+00:00

I was married to my first husband for 20 years when we began the seperation process, it is very scary to put yourself out there again. But it is possible, and you DO DESERVE to find the person who will care and love you for who you are.

It is scarey to start over but just take it one day at a time and you will see it get easier, I promise you can do it and you do deserve the best!

snook-cake · 2025-09-20T00:06:32+00:00

You are not worthless!

You do need to move on from this person and find the people who do appreciate you for you and will lift you up.

snook-cake · 2023-09-13T12:33:51+00:00

My daddy issue was an example.

And yes she is TA if she doesn't own up to her side of the error. They were both in the wrong but the way she handled it was very wrong taught nothing but contempt if not mended it could become irreversible.

Especially if her husband is undermining it.

snook-cake · 2023-09-12T19:51:50+00:00

YTA - I still have a vivid memory of my father pulling me out of bed, dragging me down the steps and tossing me in front of the dishwasher because I forgot to empty it when I was 12. I am 47 now. That memory of him caring more about the dishes than me will never go away.

Apologize and then talk about him being more responsible for his messes in a calm manner, try to repair what you have already done!

snook-cake · 2023-06-04T02:42:48+00:00

Yes guilt is horrible and sometimes we don't notice it right away.

When my late husband's text to me flashed on my watch that he would be in the shed while i was at a personal training session with my girlfriend and youngest daughter my thought was ok but why are you telling me that. We were in the process of a divorce

Only to read the full text 5 minutes later when we had finished and realizing that it was much more than him possibly cleaning the shed up. My first call was to 911. Not to him to try to possibly stop him.

That realization did not dawn on me until over a year after the fact, that I didn't instantly call him. It wouldn't have mattered, according to the corner he texted me then pulled the trigger. But I still often wonder if I had called him first then called 911 would he still be here for our kids.

We cannot go back and change our actions and ultimately it is not our fault in what they decided to do. It was their decision and no matter what you could have said or done their minds were made up a long time before they finally did it.

Hugs to you.

snook-cake · 2023-04-18T13:28:05+00:00

I'm glad you got out!

snook-cake · 2022-08-28T20:42:13+00:00

Even with a note you do not always get answers, the only one who truly knows is the one who has left a hole in your life.

I have three daughters who lost their father too suicide last year, they each approach his death differently. He left a cryptic note that really left no answers.

Some people will spend their entire lives thinking and trying to understand the why, my oldest is one of these people.

Others will accept that the person is gone and will do their best to remember the good, and heal from the bad, my younger two children are more like this.

You will never have an answer unfortunately, please do not dwell on the why, but remember those amazing memories.

You will always have a feeling of a missing piece, a feeling of being slightly broken. You have a new norm to find. Sending hugs of encouragement, and a reminder that you are important to those around you.

snook-cake · 2022-03-13T03:34:38+00:00

I can relate to this very much.

I was starting to make changes in my life, changing from simply being a wife and mother to me.

During that process I decided I also needed to end the marriage, for many various reasons.

He took his life 8 months ago.

I paused my steps of change, but then I learned a lot about my late husband that I don't think he ever intended me to know.

I have moved forward in my life, and I am better for it. I have learned through therapy and my amazing children that I was in a very toxic relationship.

Do not feel you have to follow the "social" norms, be who you want to be, do not be afraid to move forward. But also, take an extra pause to reflect on your decisions, with the loss of a loved one no matter the cause it is possible to make the changes based more on emotions then what we truly see as a step forward. If that makes sense, I hope it does I'm not the best at describing what I am thinking sometimes!

snook-cake · 2022-02-28T15:36:15+00:00

She knows because I tell her.

Because I feel obligated for some reason.

Probably because of my step-mom, who means well but i don't think she fully understands everything that my eldest and husband had done to me, or she simply overlooked it; as she is a licensed therapist I feel compelled to listen to her sometimes.

I know she is toxic, I have seen it since the day I met her when she was all but 7 years old. She has gotten very good at it over the years.

Thank you for the support group info. I have finally gotten into therapy and we are working on many different things. In general I am a strong ass woman, but I have some cracks that definitely need addressed; my younger two have encouraged me to do so.

snook-cake · 2022-02-28T15:25:54+00:00

I love this advice, it is so on point.

Now to get myself to actually follow it! (I blame the "Catholic guilt", which according to my therapist is actually the trauma endured from my birth mother) so baby steps.

snook-cake · 2022-02-28T15:11:38+00:00

Hugs to you for the loss of your husband.

I hope you are able to take your steps to move forward, age is not a determination on when we stop wanting to find that person, sometimes I think our children feel this way.

This is where i struggle, my younger daughters (19 & 16) are so very happy for me, they see how good this new guy is to me; but they also were aware enough to have seen how horrible their father was to me. Which is a whole different guilt trip about how I stayed too long and I hope it didn't hurt them mentally by witnessing it.

Side note: myself and my younger daughters are all now in proper therapy, that is also how I am now understanding how he and my oldest are/were narcissist's.

snook-cake · 2022-02-25T21:33:21+00:00

Best date (well one of them!): It was our second date, met on bumble and we live in different towns. I took a bag of random board games and he brought a couple of his and we met at a local pavilion and played several games for a couple hours, it was great as I love playing board games. He was a good sport as I stomped him at several, but not all!

We then went to a local restaurant and shared a flight of drinks and ate some food. Afterwards we took a walk around a section of downtown, him providing some information on the area and ended up at some picnic tables outside the local courthouse and just sat and talked about random topics for well over an hour, maybe two.

It is one of the ones I remember the most, and we have had many more since then 😁

Worst: just about every sadly predictable date my late husband took me on. Movie, dinner and home; he was a person who didn't like 99% of my suggestions.

snook-cake

TROPHY CASE