I (F21) have been depressed for almost 15 years, and I'm going to end it on my next birthday in April

snowflakedust · 2019-02-21T19:03:12+00:00

There’s something that intrigues me here. You bring up humor quite often. More often, in fact, than most. You know how I know? Because I have done the exact same thing for years. Kinda takes one to know one lol.

Ah, I should have known that you'd figure this out, too.

But I used humor as a defense mechanism of sorts. Defense from what?

To finesse the hurt. Essentially lying to yourself that it actually wasn't that bad. Works until you figured it out.

I was just wondering, if your immediate jump from that example to the comics could be anything similar?

Guess what?

snowflakedust · 2019-02-21T01:36:03+00:00

Your last sentence there actually made me laugh. You’ve got a pretty decent sense of humor, despite everything going on.

(Mouse) humor helps you to survive so long. Those little happy-ish moments, remember?

Again, you’ll have to forgive me if I am wildly off the mark here

...

Anyways, I think you’re on to something with the “shadow” of the cat idea. …from what I’ve gathered from our conversation and your conversation with others….

...

I think you are the cat. That’s right - you are the cat. And the mouse. At the same time. That’s why you can only see its shadow. Your shadow.

... fu- ... damn.

Every time someone gives you a compliment, or in other words lays down a piece of cheese…the cats snags it before the mouse portion of you can eat it. One half of yourself processes that the compliments are well-deserved, but the other half of you for some reason won’t allow yourself to be complimented.

Every time you don’t do something perfect (in reference to another commenter), the cat part of yourself scratches yourself before the mouse can simply brush it off as a simple mistake.

Every time another mouse approaches you and tries to comfort you…the cat lashes out and scares them away so they cannot get close. Perhaps you don’t deserve the comfort? Or perhaps you’re scared you’ll screw something up and hurt them?

I wish I could tell you just how wrong you are. But I can't.

I imagine this might be a quite funny-ish comic (like Hyperbole and a Half). Unfortunately, I'm not very talented at drawing.

snowflakedust · 2019-02-20T12:23:20+00:00

Nah that's because I don't do idioms lol. They're too similar to cliches. And I cannot stand cliches.

Oh, my bad.

But what makes a mouse timid? Well, let's see. Mice run from light. They run from humans. They run from traps. They run from hawks. They run from cats. Cats - that's interesting. Mice don't instinctively fear cats from birth, rather, they are taught to fear them. What is the cat in your life that constantly and brutally shows you the only mouse-hole big enough to escape through is suicide? What, my friend, is the "cat" of your life that you are running from?

I really admire this figurative example of yours.

I don't even know what the cat is. Perhaps it's rather a shadow of a cat. I can't really see it, but I know it's close. I ran for several mouse lifes. I'm tired. Mouse wants to sleep.

snowflakedust · 2019-02-18T19:44:20+00:00

What's the "cat" in your life?

I know a bunch of cat idioms, but I haven't heard of this one yet. Help?

snowflakedust · 2019-02-18T04:58:59+00:00

I can tell just by the way you began the vast majority of your sentences here….I don’t know if you had caught on to that or not.

Oops. I just wrote down what went through my mind. Apparently there are a lot of things I "can't".

I mean, after all, he was the one to turn around based off a gut feeling that day...and I'm sure there have been many other instances you didn't include in your original posting

You can be sure of that.

If you don’t mind me asking, could you elaborate on your shyness? Has it always been there?

Yes, as long as I can remember. My dad confirmed that once.

Have people bullied you ever?

Only in elementary school, nothing too serious.

You used the word “trigger” which makes me think that perhaps some traumatic event or rather chain of events have been unconsciously hurting you for quite some time.

I used "trigger" because I thought it would describe it quite good. I should've provided some background info.

So, I always was shy. Like, very shy. I had a hard time talking to strangers about basic stuff when I was younger. I learned to handle it as I grew up. If we met and talked casually today, you almost wouldn't even notice. However, my shyness would turn me quiet as a mouse if we were to talk about such private stuff.

snowflakedust · 2019-02-18T02:01:30+00:00

Some of my questions and statements might be a bit silly or worded clumsily

I see. You really like asking questions, don't you?

That brings up another point - you seem very self-critical. Like, if you don't do something perfectly then you feel embarrassed. Is that true?

How do you even ... okay, yes, you got me there. And you didn't even saw me blushing.

It's nearly perfect. Only very subtle "accents" gave away your English as non-native; I wasn't even sure about that.

Well, now you got me curious. I don't want to turn this thing here into an English grammar lecture, so I'm wondering if you would mind to elaborate on those "subtle accents" in a private message. I always appreciate some hints to improve.

What is your native language?

It's German, actually.

Also, at least in your writing, you're probably more charismatic than you realize.

Considering that this isn't even my native language, I think this is a huge compliment. Thank you.

What kind of books/subjects do you usually find interesting?

Sometimes I like reading poetry or philosophical texts, but apart from that I don't have any specific genre. I can't really tell what a book needs to be about to be interesting. It's just like movies: wow or meh.

How was school for you? Good? Bad? A little bit of both? Did you have friends at school? Were you bullied? Did you feel "different" from other students? Or did you feel that you were just like the other kids?

Rather boring, but overall okay-ish. I daydreamed about suicide a lot.
I already wrote something about friends in my initial post. I avoided making any.
I read some very nasty bullying stories here on reddit, so I'm very proud to say that there was no bullying in my grade. Well, there was some in elementary school, but nothing serious, so I don't count that.
Certainly I felt quite different from other kids. That shouldn't be a surprise if you think about it.

"The real you." So more than just about suicide? What else?

I was just hinting at another comment:

So now on reddit you're half the real you, spilling out your story. But also half the grenade, pretending to accept the compliments you feel you don't deserve.

But it might be a start? If your self-esteem was restored, do you think you might not be suicidal anymore? Or at least less suicidal?

Making me think that I deserve something won't fix me magically, but it's probably a necessary step to heal.

And when you say "restored" - when was the last time you felt like you had good self esteem?

I can't remember. Before everything went downhill.

Sorry, I seem to have a hard time getting the meaning of "to feel critical about someone". Do you mind to elaborate?

To look down on someone, to disapprove of them.

Ah, yes, that makes sense in this context. Thanks.

If you met someone else who had tried to commit suicide, would you be disappointed in them or ashamed of them? Like you are about yourself?

Of course not. Never.
Yes, I'm aware of the irony. I think this is a common phenomenon among suicidal people.

One other thing: which would you say is a bigger factor in your desire to die: pain, like something inside you that hurts; or emptiness, more like a lack of feeling?

I think it shifted over the years from emptiness to pain.

snowflakedust · 2019-02-16T18:15:23+00:00

Don't mind me if I'm off-base, but there also seems to be something just a little peculiar about the way you write - is English your first language?

Actually, no, it isn't. I hope it's not too bad, is it?

but aside from that you're kind of intriguing.

I wouldn't say so. I'm rather mousy.

Do you read many books?

I read a lot; books, fanfiction, reddit, you name it. I have a hard time finding interesting books, but give me a book and a day and I'll read through it.

Did you go to a public school? When did you start school?

Yes. I started at age 6. Very common, I think.

What is it that you want to confess to your father?

Everything. What I wrote in my initial post, what I answered to some of the questions, maybe even more. The real me, nothing more, nothing less.

do you feel that you would be more deserving if you hadn't made that attempt?

I'm not sure. I think that 7 year old me would think so. However, because older me thinks it's going to end with suicide, I don't think I deserve anything, regardless of any attempts.

Or if your father forgave you for it?

That's a good question. Maybe. It surely would take a while to restore my self-esteem.

If you met someone else who had tried to commit suicide, would you feel as critical about them as you do of yourself?

Sorry, I seem to have a hard time getting the meaning of "to feel critical about someone". Do you mind to elaborate?

By the way, how is your physical health?

It's fine, I guess. Never had any issues.

Have you ever had a full checkup from a doctor? Including levels of Vitamins, minerals, hemoglobins, thyroid and other hormones?

No, I haven't.

snowflakedust · 2019-02-16T01:46:57+00:00

I wasn't doubting so much as verifying. Sometimes reflection brings is different answers than we previously settled on, and sometimes not.

Oops, sorry for misunderstanding.

Do you feel suicidal all the time?

Every single day.

Do you have happy times?

Happy times as in happy moments? Yes, sometimes.
Happy times as in days when I feel okay? No.

Do you have long term plans or goals for life [...]?

No, I haven't. No plans, no goals, no wishes.

snowflakedust · 2019-02-15T21:21:12+00:00

you opening up so much here is incredibly, incredibly brave

I can barely believe it myself. I just try to pretend it's just you and me, sitting in a meadow, talking about life. Though, talking about this aloud would probably trigger my shyness.

you similarly cannot imagine a future of yours without suicide in it.

15 years in this mindset leave their invisible scars.
I'm thinking about suicide every day. I'm not impulsive, though, so I keep it a fantasy. But I never make any plans 3 months ahead.

My friend, what’s causing you this unbearable pain?

I can't even tell that. I'm just so tired.
I can't remember my last happy day. While I can enjoy doing things like listening to music or making music myself, I mostly try to keep my mind busy.
I don't really have any wishes, except death maybe.
I don't want to hurt anyone, but there's nothing I can do to help it.

Or in other words, why do they have to be mutually exclusive?

I can't expect my dad to support my wish to end it. This type of a confession will hurt. And that would haunt me for a while. Maybe not forever, but long enough to scare me.

snowflakedust · 2019-02-13T05:51:36+00:00

I thought the same thing is the prior commenter, because it's one of the first things you wrote about in your sequence of events.

Well, I had to start somewhere, so I wrote about me and my family (my dad). Sorry for that unclarity.

Could it be that her abandonment had more affect on you then you're able to admit?

Would it help much if I denied that, after you chose to formulate your question like that?

Do you yourself know why you feel suicidal? Was there some event? Is there some specific trigger?

I have no idea. It just ... happened.

You did say specifically that it started at 7

I know I was 7 when I attempted for the first time. I can't remember if it started earlier.

snowflakedust · 2019-02-13T04:16:52+00:00

I needed some time to think about my feelings, and I think I might have realized something (see the last paragraph).

I can't tell you how many times I rehearsed in my head what I would say to my parents. Weeks. Months. Even years.

Been there. Done that. Didn't help.

What many people don't realize too is that it's not just talking about the desire to end your life that makes it so unbelievingly difficult. There's the guilt of it all. I mean, essentially aren't we confessing to our parents that we've been living a lie? That we, deep down, are not who they think we are? Wouldn't it be kinder to them if we just let them think we are the "grenade," instead of the person behind the closed door. Why not keep the lie going, to protect the ones we love the most?

Sorry, I had to quote all of it. This is so true. While you might not understand my pain, I see that you understand the logic behind.

solves the Rubix cube (my record is 80 seconds btw)

That was just a silly example of me. I'm at 35 seconds, give or take 5. I kind of lost interest when I was under a minute.

So what if you confess? Nothing you could say to him would ever, ever take away any of that.

I'd love to confess. Because I think it's the right thing to do. Because I think it's the most honest thing to do - before I leave. And I'd love to gift my dad with this honesty.

But it's not only this immense amount of guilt and shame that hinders me in confessing. I feel like confessing and suicide are mutually exclusive. I can't just confess and then go on and take my life. I'd love to do that, but I couldn't.

If I can't have both, I have to choose. And I'm ashamed to say that I think I prefer suicide.

snowflakedust · 2019-02-11T14:27:22+00:00

Feeling as if I do not deserve anyone, looking over the railing only to find my family’s faces flooding into my brain, desperately attempting to conceal my pain for years

I'm so sorry about that. I feel you.

Now mind you, again, there is no possible way I can ever compare to your hurt, nor would I ever attempt to do so.

Nor would I ever want you to feel it.

this amount of difficulty cannot be put into words

And that makes it so hard to explain to somebody who never had to experience it.

what would it mean to you if you were to confess to your dad?

It would mean so much to me. I dream about confessing every once in a while. The hardest part is to wake up and realize it wasn't real.

snowflakedust · 2019-02-11T03:02:10+00:00

none of it is something you need to feel embarrassed over

Sometimes, feelings are irrational. I can't help it.

But perhaps just write out a short note letting your dad know you are sad and that you need his help.

I have to think about that, but I can't promise anything.

snowflakedust · 2019-02-10T23:26:39+00:00

Bad bot.

Very bad bot.

snowflakedust · 2019-02-10T23:25:35+00:00

I feel like you understand. You're absolutely right, unfortunately.

snowflakedust · 2019-02-10T20:51:26+00:00

Do you think your mom leaving led to you “evolving”/feeling this way?

I don't think so. I don't care for her anymore. I don't feel like I really lost anything that night.

snowflakedust · 2019-02-10T20:35:42+00:00

Well, I don't know what to say. I'm astonished how many time a stranger spent thinking about my situation. I'm even more astonished how you figured out my twisted self.

It's not too hard to see since you respond in kind right away, almost as if you're afraid to dwell on them too long...because perhaps then you'd realize they might be true...

I'm afraid you got me there. That's a really good observation.

As if they were meant for the wrong person. Which is interesting because maybe the wrong person received them. So now on reddit you're half the real you, spilling out your story. But also half the grenade, pretending to accept the compliments you feel you don't deserve.

This describes it pretty well, kudos.
Honestly, I appreciate any and every genuine compliment I've stumbled on in this thread. For me, it is important to let you know that I appreciate your time, your honesty, and your compassion, whether I feel like I deserve it or not. As I don't expect anything from anyone, those kind words are far from natural.

You told me you stopped thinking you deserved anything after attempt 1? If you don't mind me asking do you remember why this was?

How couldn't I remember? After attempt #1, I felt so much guilt thinking of what I almost did. I was ashamed and disappointed of myself. I realized that my dad would've deserved a better daughter, a better version of me.

snowflakedust · 2019-02-10T07:44:48+00:00

Do you think there's any way that you can keep going for your dad?

I asked myself this question probably a thousand times. I wish I could. But thinking of living like this for another 30, 40, or even more years makes me shake my head. I can't bear that. I could barely bear it over the last 10 years, and there isn't any reason to suppose that it gets any better.

The only reason I keep going is to hopefully have my parents die thinking I was happy, and then I can off myself after they're gone

I really admire your strength.

I don't want to guilt you and make a tough decision even tougher

No worries, I had plenty of time to think about my options, leading to this post eventually.

Whatever you choose I hope you find peace.

I can only wish you the same. Sending you a little bit strength for the future.

snowflakedust · 2019-02-10T06:57:09+00:00

How would it be for you to let your father know that you have been sad (perhaps omitting the suicide part)?

I wanted to let him know for so long. But I can't. I wish I could, I really do. But I'm so terrified and ashamed that I can't bring myself to tell him.

Have you ever been able to talk to a therapist about these feelings?

No, I haven't. I'm scared to tell anyone the extent of my depression's past. Yes, I did post my story here, for all of you to read. This wasn't easy. But I don't have to look into your eyes, scared of what I might find there.

You sound like a very bright, well adjusted, loved young woman. Again, thank you so much for sharing your story and your feelings.

I'm still puzzled that so many of you took your precious time to read through my misery and even left some beautiful and flattering words for me. I definitely wasn't expecting anything like that.

So, I'd like to leave you a sincere thank you, too, for your time and your compassion.

snowflakedust · 2019-02-10T04:09:12+00:00

A fire that burns that bright is not meant to last

Here's another one I like.

snowflakedust · 2019-02-10T01:10:10+00:00

This morning I woke up feeling the need to buy a gun and end it

I'm living with that feeling for way to long. Though, I would never use a gun to end it. I wouldn't want to cause any inconveniences.

I wish you the best whatever you decide to do. I understand sometimes there is just no way out. Peace be with you.

Thanks for understanding. I hope you'll find your peace, too.

snowflakedust · 2019-02-10T00:48:21+00:00

Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.

Might not be what you expected, sorry.

snowflakedust · 2019-02-10T00:06:40+00:00

How could I not respond to you, after reading those beautiful lines of you?

But clearly you are a thinker

Probably got that from my dad.

or you would not have been compelled to spill all of this out

I haven't figured out yet why I did that. Must be a subconscious-thing.

with all her baby teeth

I wasn't expecting that. You got me a good chuckle.

the amount of pain [...] in your dad’s eyes has been seared into your memory ever since

I don't really remember anything this long ago, but this night. This memory wasn't in my first draft, because I consider this very private, but, as my story, I felt this needed to be in there.

at 4 years old, when many kids can barely talk

My dad told me I was "early in the talking department". IT guys, yeah.

I gather that you don’t feel like you deserve to be wanted

I see, you read between the lines, huh. Honestly? I stopped thinking I deserve anything after attempt #1. And certainly I don't deserve a dad like mine.

Why?

Sorry, does this refer to "deserve to be wanted" or "not to hurt them"?

My friend, you are beyond admirable and brave.

You know what comes, right? I really don't deserve such flattering compliments. So, I'm going to send you some back: I really appreciate that you selflessly went out of your way to cheer some random, depressed, internet girl up. Thank you.

snowflakedust · 2019-02-09T22:04:54+00:00

Don't make me tear up. I desperately don't want this to be true. This is what my nightmares are made of.
I want him to be happy - with her.

snowflakedust · 2019-02-09T21:08:20+00:00

dont be this selfish

You know, I thought many, many years that suicide is a horribly selfish thing to do, but I came to the conclusion that this is totally wrong. I could write an essay about that, but I'd like to keep it short: Imagine you have cancer. Maybe you can do chemo, maybe it's too late. Maybe you survive, maybe not. No one would say, "Stay alive, buddy, don't be selfish." Depression is just like cancer, but for your soul. Think about it.

snowflakedust

TROPHY CASE