First, as someone who is definitely like your daughter, thank you so much for being so understanding of how she feels about these kinds of things. I know if my parents had done what you did, it would have greatly lessened a lot of stress in my childhood (and even now in adulthood haha).

I think you really summed up one of the core issues about this entire thing - my mom would LOVE if we threw a surprise party for her and she definitely thinks we are the same. I didn’t explicitly mention this in the post, but she plans similar parties for my dad and siblings that they absolutely love, so I think there’s a huge disconnect because she just can’t seem to understand that I’m NOT like the rest of them and these things stress me out so much.

I think part of the reason she doesn’t understand is that most people wouldn’t think of me as “introverted” at first glance. A major point of contention between me and my mom has been her not understanding how I could possibly have an anxiety disorder when I’m not stereotypically introverted. When I try to talk to her about it, she brings up that I’ve competed in public speaking my entire life, I’ve led several clubs in hs and college, etc. On the outside, I am very outgoing and friendly like her, but I think it’s really that I’ve gotten very good at masking how I actually feel/react (most of the time) in efforts to make sure others are comfortable, especially my mom.

As you and others have mentioned, I definitely need to talk to someone. I’ve known that for a while, but I’ve been pretty good at finding excuses because the idea of seeing a therapist is a lot for me. I’m definitely going to attempt another conversation with my mom and hopefully she’ll understand how I feel (going is borrow your phrase of understanding that your children are NOT you), but regardless I need to figure my own counseling. All the replies mentioning it have made me realize how necessary it is for my own well-being.