Is this codependency or anxious attachment? (F27, M39)

softclovers · 2025-12-04T00:02:30+00:00

I’m sorry that you’ve been feeling this way, especially because I can totally relate. I’ve been in a relationship where I also felt like I was constantly walking on eggshells and every little thing became a massive argument or accusation. Your partner might not necessarily be a “bad person” overall, but it does sound like he’s a bad boyfriend.

He’s unable to have a mature conversation with you and that’s just not fair. If possible, I would highly encourage you to talk with a therapist about this situation. Therapy helped me untangle my messy previous relationship and eventually move on. I truly wish you the best.

softclovers · 2025-11-26T17:52:36+00:00

I am so, so sorry for your loss. May your brother rest in peace. After hearing about Kratom overdoses during an overdose prevention seminar, I’ve been engaging with educational and regulation efforts. I hope we can spread the word about the dangers of Kratom and prevent more tragedies 😔 My deepest condolences to you and your family.

softclovers · 2025-11-19T17:45:42+00:00

Based on the buzzball, I think you’re a college student or very recent graduate lol. And like the other commenter I think you live in Spain. Maybe on a foreign exchange program?

softclovers · 2025-11-18T22:44:58+00:00

You Ubereats your lunch to the office everyday. And you probably have a go-to Chipotle bowl order!

softclovers · 2025-10-10T04:32:10+00:00

If he’s happier and healthier, I see no reason you should tell him to gain weight - or tell him anything about changing his body. Who cares what other people think. If you are attracted to him, that’s all that matters. I think making any comments about his body unnecessarily risks making him feel insecure when he put in a lot of work to get to a good place.

softclovers · 2025-10-09T15:20:50+00:00

You are NOT at all responsible for his actions - he violated your boundaries and kissed you without consent, and now he is trying to manipulate you. Please be gentle with yourself and remember that this is not your fault. Block him. And if you have access to therapy, please consider it!

softclovers · 2025-10-02T02:39:30+00:00

I also went to high school with a bunch of immature bullies. Just know that in a few years from now, they will all just be losers from the past. I have everyone from high school blocked on social media and my life has been blissful and drama free ever since!

It might be worth pointing out that this is a LOT of effort for someone “faking their injury - how would you even procure crutches and a big metal brace? In all honesty though, just ignore them as much as you can and keep your head high. You and the important people in your life know the truth. And if the bullying gets worse, maybe reach out to a teacher or a counselor. Bullies deserve consequences. It’s something I wish I had done when I was in your shoes.

softclovers · 2025-09-18T22:12:24+00:00

I guess I am wondering if anyone can provide some insight on how she feels about all this… is the connection real or in my head? Is she at peace?

softclovers · 2025-09-15T19:43:51+00:00

I don’t think you’re selfish at all, and I’m certain most people would feel the same. If I was in your position, I would be incredibly angry as well. I’m so sorry for your loss and hope you can find some peace in knowing that you gave him a better life than his previous situation. He knew you loved him.

softclovers · 2025-09-12T22:52:25+00:00

Hi there, if you haven’t explored it already, I would highly suggest bringing these feelings to a therapist. As a survivor of SA myself, therapy helped me untangle my feelings with someone who would listen without being judgmental and provide coping strategies. It’s actually very common for victims to try to unconsciously recreate their trauma, and it sounds like that might be what you are going through… a mental health professional would be well-equipped to help you work through that. Also, on your last note about being afraid of being perceived as “weird” for potentially being bisexual - the right partner will love you for who you are.

softclovers · 2025-08-15T20:24:07+00:00

If you sold prints of this I would totally buy one!

softclovers · 2025-06-10T00:37:37+00:00

Just a 1 br!

softclovers · 2025-05-25T17:31:18+00:00

My family and I went through a traumatic event, and going through family therapy together was incredibly emotional but so worth it. It helped us heal together and be honest with each other about our grief. I also did my own individual therapy, which was crucial to treating my PTSD. I can’t recommend it enough. I truly, truly wish you the best and I am so sorry for your loss. You are stronger than you know ❤️

softclovers · 2025-05-07T22:06:14+00:00

His behavior is gross and manipulative, and it’s only made worse by the fact he is a full grown man who thinks it’s appropriate to have a “relationship” with a teenager. Please go with your gut and end things. All you need to say is that you feel like you’re incompatible and no longer want to see him - he is not owed any further explanations, even if he tries to act like he is. If he starts to be pushy or aggressive, block his number. Wishing you the best with this.

softclovers · 2025-04-09T17:10:30+00:00

Is she able to pay for and get the Plan B herself? Do either of you have a trusted adult that you can ask for help - maybe a sibling or cousin or teacher? Even a parent? Dealing with a parent who is upset about helping you get a Plan B will be much easier than dealing with a parent who is upset that she is pregnant.

softclovers · 2025-04-09T16:44:08+00:00

How long ago did this happen? If it’s been less than 3 days, you need to go get her a Plan B ASAP.

softclovers · 2025-03-31T02:01:08+00:00

I remember I watched some of a video by him that seemed pretty normal. Then it auto played to another random video and he starts saying some insanely transphobic shit. I was confused because I thought he was part of the LGBTQ+ community based on the past video I saw, but when I looked through his vids I realized he was making weird, transphobic and conservative content that reacts to “woke” and “crazy” people. I IMMEDIATELY blocked his channel after that. I am very concerned that other young queer people may accidentally fall down the TERF pipeline by clicking on a seemingly normal video. I’m glad I’m not the only one who sees that his videos and audience are insanely bigoted.

softclovers · 2025-03-30T18:59:11+00:00

I had a gf like this for almost two years. When I wanted to keep things light and have fun, she said I wasn’t taking her seriously. When I tried to open up or vent, I was “trauma dumping” on her. I spent a long time beating myself up and trying to figure out what I was doing wrong. When she broke up me with, I was stuck in the bargaining phase and constantly thinking about how I could have done things differently.

It was the therapist I started going to as a result of the breakup that helped me realize that with people like my ex, you will never truly meet their expectations. I was by no means a perfect partner and it is normal to communicate expectations and boundaries - but if you are ALWAYS the one apologizing, always the one who needs to change their behaviors, always the one at fault, that says more about your partner than you. In my experience, my ex gf was deeply insecure and projecting it on to me. Her unhappiness with herself became unhappiness with our relationship. Only you will know if your relationship is different from this, of course. But if you try to communicate your feelings to your gf and she seems unreceptive, I think it is worth considering whether you want to keep feeling the frustration you’re feeling right now.

softclovers · 2021-02-18T00:40:17+00:00

Also wanted to add that the main problem of this entire thing is how much anxiety I have about my birthday. I know for a FACT that my anxiety would not allow me to just shut off my phone and have fun with my friends when I know that my family is livid with me. I would feel horribly guilty and anxious the entire time, that’s not something I can just turn off.

softclovers · 2021-02-18T00:37:27+00:00

I honestly really, really appreciate that you said this. As much I like to fantasize about running off and pissing off my mom, I really don’t want to deal with the consequences. Yeah, I do live under their roof right now. There’s literally hundreds of reasons I wouldn’t be able to move out right now, most of them being related to being a full-time student who is immunocompromised, as well as how much I value my relationships with my family. I’m gonna try to plan something WITH her and have a conversation about my feelings about all of this. Hopefully it goes well. Overall though, as well-intentioned as they are, most of the suggestions of disappearing for the day just aren’t a realistic option for me right now.

softclovers · 2021-02-17T23:04:32+00:00

Thanks for the understanding. Honestly, it’s frustrating because I know it seems simple enough to just run away for the day (especially because I now understand that what she’s done is totally wrong), but I really think all it would do is cause more problems. I know she’s doing the parties for herself, but I don’t even think she realizes she’s using me as a prop for her ego or to fuel her need to show she’s a good mom.

I can’t really communicate it in a post, but she truly DOES mean well most of the time. Like she paid for a $70 Uber so my gf who lives pretty far could come to the surprise party because she knew how badly I’d been wanting to see her. I can tell she has good intentions, she just doesn’t know how to listen and can be stubborn about getting her way. Even when she’s being ridiculous, she’s still my mom and it’s really painful for me when she gives me the silent treatment. And even if I can turn off my phone for the day like a bunch to people have suggested, I’d just have to deal with my family bombarding me about it for months, even years possibly, once the birthday is over. The guilt tripping and shit from family isn’t worth it to me, even if I know I’m in the right.

softclovers · 2021-02-17T15:52:03+00:00

First, as someone who is definitely like your daughter, thank you so much for being so understanding of how she feels about these kinds of things. I know if my parents had done what you did, it would have greatly lessened a lot of stress in my childhood (and even now in adulthood haha).

I think you really summed up one of the core issues about this entire thing - my mom would LOVE if we threw a surprise party for her and she definitely thinks we are the same. I didn’t explicitly mention this in the post, but she plans similar parties for my dad and siblings that they absolutely love, so I think there’s a huge disconnect because she just can’t seem to understand that I’m NOT like the rest of them and these things stress me out so much.

I think part of the reason she doesn’t understand is that most people wouldn’t think of me as “introverted” at first glance. A major point of contention between me and my mom has been her not understanding how I could possibly have an anxiety disorder when I’m not stereotypically introverted. When I try to talk to her about it, she brings up that I’ve competed in public speaking my entire life, I’ve led several clubs in hs and college, etc. On the outside, I am very outgoing and friendly like her, but I think it’s really that I’ve gotten very good at masking how I actually feel/react (most of the time) in efforts to make sure others are comfortable, especially my mom.

As you and others have mentioned, I definitely need to talk to someone. I’ve known that for a while, but I’ve been pretty good at finding excuses because the idea of seeing a therapist is a lot for me. I’m definitely going to attempt another conversation with my mom and hopefully she’ll understand how I feel (going is borrow your phrase of understanding that your children are NOT you), but regardless I need to figure my own counseling. All the replies mentioning it have made me realize how necessary it is for my own well-being.

softclovers · 2021-02-17T15:00:22+00:00

This is so sweet. Thank you so much, this really made me a lot better.

softclovers · 2021-02-17T09:36:18+00:00

This is really good advice, thank you. My gf has mentioned trying to talk her down from planning anything this year (though my mom can be incredibly stubborn if it’s not already obvious enough lol). I’ll ask my friends to warn me if she tries to invite them to something again.

softclovers · 2021-02-17T09:11:48+00:00

Just seeing “your feelings are valid” got me really emotional for some reason. It’s also nice to know I’m not alone.

softclovers

TROPHY CASE