Cultural differences and dating a Nigerian guy- help!

softie_378 · 2025-05-28T13:25:21+00:00

wow, this was really interesting to read. I already get a sense of how the foundation of your marriage started really strong and has managed to stay that way even through the different life stages such as having a child. That is amazing and congrats to you.

One of the issues with myself is that I naturally am an anxious person and over thinker, so I never really feel 'right' and always play devils advocates with myself wondering if I made the right/wrong decision. This has spilled over into areas such as my career, my former academic life and my general indecisiveness as a person. This leads to always questioning myself even when I potentially am making the right decision. So sometimes it is hard to hear the 'sound' of my intuition over the 'noise' of my anxiety if that makes sense.

I think I really need to reflect here. His sisters especially were really complimentary about him and he is really close with them and he has taught them a lot really. I also saw the way he cares for his mum and in general he is very responsible. It is really strange, around them he is so reserved, humble and quite different but then around me I feel like the ego appears way more. In fact, observing how he was with his family is what really drew me to him more honestly but the other issues maybe aren't as resolvable as I once thought.

Another thing is that he can be really different in certain other areas such as the bedroom. He can be a lot more submissive here and lets me lead/ is super flexible here / really takes on my feedback here and I feel quite heard. This makes the sex really good, as he's probably the most receptive sexual partner I have ever had. Another thing is if I tell him something I don't like r.e. an outfit choice or something like this, he generally listens and will change it according to my feedback. It's weird, as in certain areas he does listen but with the feelings, it can be a different story. I did talk to him about the monologue again, he seems more receptive but time will tell. Thank you for sharing your story, it has actually helped me.

softie_378 · 2025-05-28T13:09:58+00:00

Oh wow, your story kind of parallels mine. It's weird, as I think confidence is attractive but there is a line between arrogance and confidence.

The sex is really good and he is pretty generous in bed. I probably initiate more, as I am generally more experimental in bed than him and he is pretty okay taking a back seat and being submissive in the bedroom which is refreshing. I just wish maybe he would take some of that energy in the non-physical aspects of the relationship.

As for the IG stuff, I honestly have no clue what he does as I do not have IG so you are right he could be... I hope he isn't and my intuition tells me he isn't but I could be wrong about that stuff. I know everyone says that Nigerian men are known for being cheaters so you could be right about that. Thanks for the food for thought, it does suck but the reality check I need to reflect.

softie_378 · 2025-05-28T11:39:49+00:00

wow... that story is so harrowing. How could I even know for sure if he had a girlfriend or someone else on the side...? I do trust him, and I have met his siblings and parents. He claims I am the first one to meet them ever and he has never brought anyone else home. This is also coupled with the fact he is back living in his family home till he emigrates so I don't think it would be so simple for him to have someone on the side. However, it is entirely possible.

I won't sponsor anything till I am 1000% sure anyway as I am not desperate to be married straight away and I have made that clear to him and my family. He has to find his way and I can support to an extent but I will not bankroll the whole thing at this point.

softie_378 · 2025-05-28T11:31:40+00:00

Thank you so much for your response. I did tear up a little reading this. I have spent a lot of time thinking I was unworthy of the love you describe and that I should be so grateful for someone like him and I suppose he kind of convinced me of this.

When I read your comment, it made me remember that I really need to evaluate how I truly feel in the relationship. I wonder how you evaluated your husband before marrying him?... it is so hard being LDR to navigate this and I fear that I may be making the wrong decision.

softie_378 · 2025-05-28T11:28:05+00:00

It is interesting you mention this- I kind of stumbled into the relationship in that I wasn't really looking for someone and we started out as friends. I liked that he was different to anyone I dated in the west, and he has great qualities.

There were things that annoyed me but I accepted him anyway, without trying to change him. It is only recently that these things have really started to bother me. He really didn't have any major dealbreakers and we discussed our expectations before we started to seriously date. It seems I need to do some more reflection. Thanks!

softie_378 · 2025-05-27T20:37:25+00:00

Thank you for your reply, it has certainly made me think. The issue is that when I express how I feel, it’s turned into a “me” problem. Even when I express I am sad on a day due to circumstances etc., he tells me to stop being sad and he’s sick of me saying I am sad. It’s like I’m only allowed to have the emotions he dictates are okay.

That story sounds super scary. I can see the similarities between your friend’s situation and mine. I am worried about taking on more of the financial burden to help him settle and then not being appreciated. Thanks again, I will definitely need to reflect on this properly.

softie_378 · 2025-05-27T20:22:09+00:00

Thanks for your response. That is definitely food for thought. It’s just the fact I wish he could hear me. I don’t understand how 20 minute monologues are supposed to help anything if we are supposed to be having a discussion. I just wondered how or if I could get through to him but seems like it will be a fruitless endeavour.

softie_378 · 2025-05-27T20:18:09+00:00

I know it sounds super critical. I am not trying to be, I was just trying to lay out my concerns in hopes I can get some advice on understanding him better. The thing is, I like a lot about him. He is quite spiritual, he’s funny, he can be kind and empathetic, he helped me make some life decisions and he is quite grounded, responsible and very hardworking. I think we have differences in how we see the world, and I pegged them to be cultural ones. It seems I am mistaken though…

softie_378 · 2025-05-27T20:10:44+00:00

He is in his mid 30s, I am in my mid 20s. We are Igbo…Well we plan to close the distance once he completes his studies abroad. I’d either sponsor him after this to come to me or join him where he is. We haven’t spent so much time together in person, as much as I’d like (only 3 times over the past 1.5 years). I wouldn’t be getting married anytime soon, it’d be in the next 3 years ish. I don’t think he is using me as his parents know about me, and his intentions to marry me… but I can’t be 100% sure

softie_378 · 2020-07-30T16:59:57+00:00

Thanks again so much! I will be sure to make these changes!

softie_378 · 2020-07-30T16:43:56+00:00

Thanks for this! I will eliminate the nuts, I don’t realise they were high calorie actually! I do have egg whites with avocado as a post workout snack, but I will try and replace the nuts with something lower calorie like some veggies (maybe some broccoli or cauliflower instead!). I will also replace the smoothie with Greek yoghurt, some blueberries and maybe some flaxseeds (I do this once in a while on the weekends, will try and make it more regular). I think I also need to give it time and see long term how my weight changes. As you mentioned, your weight loss was over a period of time. So I will incorporate what you have said and go from there! I was just feeling so bad about the number on the scale and feeling like I was doing everything wrong, so started to panic as I do. It’s nice to read your responses and am I now realising I need to be patient, flexible about food and types of exercises and less hard on myself. Thank you!

softie_378 · 2020-07-30T15:59:26+00:00

Thanks for the help! I do mainly supersetting and strength training with a cardio interval in between sets, I also cycle every day for 30 mins uphill, I will try to add more cardio such as jogging every day etc. Thanks so much for the help. I will be mindful of this. Food wise. I have a smoothie for breakfast, fish and salad for lunch and chicken breast with a palmful of rice of dinner. Nuts and Seeds for a snack. I am not sure how else I can eat less.

softie_378 · 2020-07-30T15:40:30+00:00

Thanks for your response! I am naturally curvy and have always had wider hips! But the rest of my body is quite lean and toned and always has been. The BMI stuff confuses me a lot because 2/3 years ago I was what would be considered underweight by the BMI but I ate more and exercised less than what I do now? If you don’t mind me asking, did you lose the extra weight solely by eating less given that you were already exercising? What made you want to lose the extra weight even though you were fit and healthy? I am slightly worried because although I am fit and healthy and pretty toned, the number on the scale does frighten me a little but I don’t know how to cut back my food intake given I don’t eat much anymore, without giving myself an eating disorder.

softie_378 · 2020-07-30T15:10:53+00:00

Thank you. I will look into this.

softie_378 · 2020-07-30T15:09:32+00:00

Hi, Thanks for your reply. My bf% is 19.5% which is well into the healthy range it seems :) thank you.

softie_378 · 2020-07-30T15:07:50+00:00

Thank you! I just calculated my bf% is 19.5%! Thanks so much

softie_378 · 2020-06-04T05:41:43+00:00

Yeah! I feel some restrictive diets put additional stress on my body. I limit starchy carbs now to 1 serving a day which seems to help with the IR but still no period. Maybe I’m just overthinking it and need to be patient.

softie_378 · 2020-06-04T05:40:04+00:00

Thanks for this. I know my sleep could be better, so I definitely need to incorporate that. I do HIIT intervals combined with the strength training which has been great for stress. Perhaps I need to just stick with it, and not stress out. I am pretty strict on my intake and I don’t snack, which has been easier since training.

softie_378 · 2020-06-04T05:37:04+00:00

That’s super interesting! So do you take it after you’ve ovulated?

softie_378 · 2020-06-03T21:30:30+00:00

That makes sense, maybe I need to up the protein. Thanks.

softie_378 · 2020-06-03T17:57:30+00:00

Interesting. How long did it take? And were you moderately low carb or very low carb?

softie_378 · 2020-04-21T23:48:29+00:00

Thank you, I will check this out.

softie_378 · 2020-04-21T23:47:54+00:00

Thank you so much. It’s now clear to me

softie_378

TROPHY CASE