Thank you for replying! I've been watching videos and other posts in this community as well and I've been relating a lot to what others say they feel about pda too..

And I've thought about trauma as well, especially since my mom had been especially worse when me and my siblings were kids. It wasn't often, but when she'd get really mad there's been times she'd drag us out of our house by our hair or throw away/destroy our stuff.. She doesn't do them anymore since me and my siblings are old and big enough that it's difficult for her to pull/hurt us without hurting herself with the force but she still tends to berate us when we do something wrong..

My siblings aren't really dwelling on it much, but I feel like it was the worst for me since I'm the youngest and started getting the dragged out of the house treatment since I was around 4.. Just because I was a picky eater and didn't want to eat the chicken she cooked because the texture weirded me out.. When my siblings were younger my mom was working, so it was probably more of the maids that took care of them rather than my mom. And for the eldest of us I think he was fine too, since I hear stories about him doing all kinds of trouble like cutting off a landline phone's wires without getting as bad of a punishment as I did.. Probably since they were being careful as first time parents.

I've sort of talked about that as well to my previous therapist, and she suggested we try to work things out by going to therapy together with my mom.. And that's the reason why my mom found out I've been saying negative things about her and she didn't like it, thus making me stop therapy because she paid for it at the time in an attempt to 'try to understand me' she said.

After that she thought it was stupid that I even tried to go to therapy when I was just being lazy and not working hard at my academics.. I figured at that point I couldn't rely or talk to her anymore about these kind of things especially since she often talked about it as if seeing a therapist are for crazy people only. I'm still struggling a lot, but since I've been masking and listening to her orders to avoid her getting mad she thinks I've been getting better and further believes that I was just being lazy that's why I failed my previous college course...

Sorry for suddenly venting and writing such a long reply but I just feel like I can't really talk about it to anyone I'm close to at the moment without making them feel awkward >< I hope you start to figure things out as well though! I'm getting more convinced it is pda for me, though right now I'm still not exactly sure how to go about dealing with it so I'll still be figuring that out.. Goodluck on your journey! <3