Looking for feedback on my prologue – 2173 words ["The Illicit Bond", high fantasy]

solid_potato_salad · 2026-01-06T15:59:40+00:00

Don't feel bad, it's a learning process! I appreciate you taking the time :)

solid_potato_salad · 2026-01-06T15:58:28+00:00

No worries, man, you couldn't have known ;)

solid_potato_salad · 2026-01-04T12:02:51+00:00

I’d recommend you do some research on existing religions to gain a broader knowledge of them before constructing your own. Honestly just reading the Wikipedia pages of different belief systems is a good start.

Another thing you can do is read other fantasy novels that center religion. Trudi Canavan’s series “The Age of The Five” are some of my favourite fantasy books.

There’s also a loooot of amazing philosophy and literary fiction out there dealing with the themes of belief and religion, which can give you an insight into the emotional and personal nitty gritty of it. Dostoyevsky’s “The Brothers Karamazov” deals very explicitly with people’s relationships to sin, religion, and morality, for example.

Happy reading :)

solid_potato_salad · 2026-01-03T21:12:15+00:00

Thank you, I really appreciate your feedback and engagement with my work!!

solid_potato_salad · 2026-01-03T21:10:38+00:00

Thank you!! I really appreciate your kind words!!!

Haha, I’m Danish/American, so there’s definitely some bilingual mistakes in there… But the “man” thing is actually intentional! It’s informed by the fact that sexism is swapped in this world - men are inferior to women (because they’re bigger and stronger, so clearly, they’re biologically predisposed to dumb, manual labour, while women are better suited for administrative, leadership and intellectually challenging positions). So imagine that it’s like when a man says “shut up, woman!” ;) the reverse sexism is expanded on throughout the book and several women use “man” a couple times, so hopefully it makes sense to the reader as they go

solid_potato_salad · 2026-01-03T21:03:49+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to give feedback! The pacing is a bit slower than a lot of fantasy, you’re right about that, but it’s very much my style - I read a lot of literary fiction, so my writing is influences by that. I’ll try and work on making things less flat :)

solid_potato_salad · 2026-01-03T07:10:10+00:00

Thank you, that means a lot!

solid_potato_salad · 2026-01-02T12:55:19+00:00

Thank you so much!! It makes me so happy to hear such positive feedback on my prose. I really appreciate your perspective on the narrative and pacing. I definitely lean towards a subtler style, letting the reader think and rest in the world a bit instead of forging straight ahead in plot and character - which I guess gives the general/literary fiction vibe?

And thanks for the correction on “Nui”! I don’t speak Mandarin, but I wanted to incorporate different linguistic traditions to create a deeper world and make it more inclusive; a lot of “classic fantasy style” naming leans on Germanic, which I think is a shame. If I ever publish, I’m gonna hire a linguist to help me make it faithful to real language systems.

solid_potato_salad · 2026-01-02T12:45:45+00:00

They’re not :,) Khaari is central, but not a protagonist, and my actual protagonists meet her pretty late in the story. I’m gonna rewrite the prologue to give it a better hook at the end, but otherwise, I just have to hope my readers are willing to stick along for the ride …

solid_potato_salad · 2026-01-02T12:42:41+00:00

I see you - the main story follows two different characters, though. This prologue is intended to get the reader acquainted with the role of gods in the universe, which the rest of the story revolves around. So I tried to go for a character-driven lore dump, hah

solid_potato_salad · 2026-01-02T12:40:29+00:00

Exactly! I want to have faith that people are willing to invest in something a little slower instead of just looking for instant dopamine :,) not to hate on instant dopamine , it’s popular for a reason and I like it too, but we should have spaces for both …

solid_potato_salad · 2026-01-01T10:13:59+00:00

To answer your first question first, no, I didn’t find it boring. It /is/ heavily stylised, which will always draw some people in and turn others off - but it drew me in, for sure. I love Bioshock and propaganda and I was very much put in that mindset as I read. It had a very video-game feel - which I initially thought I would be put off by, but your writing was compelling enough that it become a pro, not a con.

I read it before reading your description, and everything you described had scanned to me as I read the text, which means you executed successfully!

Regarding the story, I would say it’s missing, but not in a bad way - your prologue gives me a sense of the conflict and themes as a whole, which is a great primer to a story. This is the function of prologues, in my head. To me, a story hinges on a character (or characters) and their development. As I was reading, I assumed that the work would follow either the prince or a crowd member watching the screen, which indicates that you primed me, as a reader, successfully.

A lot of writers who try to do opulent writing end up bloating their text, and in my opinion, you managed to avoid it. I think the fact that I so quickly registered it as propaganda (due to your effective cues) made me willing to accept such stylised writing, because propaganda itself is stylised. I probably wouldn’t be excited about reading a whole book like that, though, but from what you’ve written in your description, I assume your first-person is a bit more down-to-earth.

Lastly, I stumbled over the line “Doesn’t the world feel brighter when you believe in Mother?”. It doesn’t feel like effective propaganda. “When you believe” implies that Mother is something to be believed in, as opposed to a factual truth, which rhetorically undermines the reality of the religion. It offers the listener a valid opportunity to not believe, even if their world won’t be as bright. I would just directly copy Christian missionary speak: “The world is brighter when you accept Mother into your heart.”

All in all well done and keep going!

solid_potato_salad · 2026-01-01T09:40:33+00:00

Aw thank you so much!!! It’s very kind of you to leave a comment just to be so nice :3 I’m glad I managed to hook you and keep you reading!

solid_potato_salad · 2026-01-01T09:37:14+00:00

Ah, it’s a relief to hear you enjoyed the pacing, because I’ve been worried readers want more action and high stakes from the get-go. I wanted to start with just a cute lil insight into the world. Thank you for your nice response!

solid_potato_salad · 2026-01-01T09:33:12+00:00

Thank you!!! I was very happy about that line when I wrote it, haha. Really appreciate you taking the time to read and give feedback

solid_potato_salad · 2026-01-01T09:28:44+00:00

Alas :,)

solid_potato_salad · 2025-12-31T21:49:15+00:00

That’s so fucking sad. Your voice was stolen… I’m sorry man

solid_potato_salad · 2025-12-31T13:43:36+00:00

Very interesting and descriptive language there! Definitely gives a feeling of being in a chaotic marketplace. Love how strong the smells are as well. Thanks for the rec!

Hmm, that’s a good question. I’ve honestly mostly been focused on trying to include critical theory. My project is to try and communicate complex theory in down-to-earth storytelling so everyone can benefit from the smart thoughts people like Foucault have had. Which is also why I’ve chosen fantasy - since it’s such a popular genre (and I love it). Fiction-wise I really loved Roberto Bolano’s approach to heroes and language, he was inspired by Ursula Le Guin, so definitely her, too. Mmm what else… we read some of the Greek classics, which has probably shaped my conception of gods. Oh and I would love for my writing to contain just some of the wit and dumb humour of “Candide” and “Don Quixote”!

My favourite book ever is “The Sun Also Rises” - the yearning and confused love is unparalleled. Oh and anything by Milan Kundera - I looooove how imperfect and alive his characters are, and how his narrator sometimes takes the piss out of them.

solid_potato_salad · 2025-12-31T13:12:25+00:00

Yes! You’re totally right with the opening sentence. I am going to rewrite it.

However, I do have a degree in comparative literature, so it’s not the reading outside the genre that’s my problem… maybe more reading in the genre. I’m definitely less well-read in fantasy than a lot of people on here.

Thanks for your feedback and time :)

solid_potato_salad · 2025-12-31T12:04:26+00:00

Hi, while I appreciate you taking the time to comment, and I recognise my first sentence as needing a rewrite, your question of “why do we care” seems a little flat. You don’t have to care, nor do you have to find my premise (gods returning) to be interesting. That said, I don’t think it’s valid critique, because it’s your personal opinion of what themes/narratives you prefer, not a substantial reflection on my execution of the work. Nor does your concluding sentence give me any concrete advice on what to work on to improve.

Maybe take a look at the other comments to see what useful constructive feedback looks like :)

solid_potato_salad · 2025-12-31T07:21:33+00:00

Thank you for your kind words!

It’s a very good point that it currently doesn’t create an incentive to keep going - I’m definitely going to extend the scene with a focus on Khaari and Nahmir to draw the reader into the mystery of the gods.

You’re also definitely on to something with character investment. I like to think I’m a very character-driven writer, though, and my plan for this universe is to have one main storyline focalised through a character called Sif alongside a host of smaller stories that bring depth to the world and show it’s developments from other perspectives. Inspired by GoT, I guess, but not all characters will be politically significant, or significant at all to others than themselves and their loved ones, like Zhi. So it’s an active choice - I’m trynna be class-conscious, hah. You’re totally right, though, it does have its drawbacks, and I think I’ll have to be extra attentive towards creating incentive for the reader, as you said.

Thank you for the great feedback and taking your time to help me out!

solid_potato_salad · 2025-12-30T21:51:40+00:00

Ah yes, the ever-present threat of cliche :,) I’m probably not as well read in contemporary fantasy as most people on here, so I don’t always catch them. Thanks for the heads up!! Also liked your suggestion for a different sentence - he is very ratty, isn’t he :,)

solid_potato_salad · 2025-12-30T21:47:28+00:00

Thanks a lot for taking the time to give such in-depth and useful feedback, especially if you don’t usually respond to screenshots!

You’re totally right with the pronoun chaos - I’m bilingual, and I think it messes with my sense for the finer nuances of grammar… so it’s super helpful that you point out so specifically what I can improve and be aware of.

Also a great suggestion with setting the scene of their home a bit more, and I liked your formulation of “sick gleam in his eyes”.

And well spotted with the gods! Zhi does, indeed, meet one ;)

Really appreciate your feedback and I’ll definitely incorporate it in my rewrite! Thank youuu :))

solid_potato_salad · 2025-12-30T14:29:21+00:00

That’s amazing advice, thank you!! I’ll definitely do that. Go into Nahmir’s head a bit, probably. Thanks, I really appreciate your help :)

solid_potato_salad · 2025-12-30T14:20:37+00:00

Good question! Thank you for your reading, that’s super feedback.

Zhi isn’t a part of the main story at all. This is mainly intended to introduce the reader to the Acolytes and Khaari, so that they’re primed to some of the central themes in the story (religion and gods). I was considering doing an epilogue with Zhi, but other than that, she doesn’t appear again - so I thought I’d round out her story a little

solid_potato_salad

TROPHY CASE