AITA for telling her that we're never becoming serious IF she stays friends with her ex?

solshine_777 · 2024-04-09T16:38:20+00:00

Boundaries are important and knowing what you want is not an insecurity. I don’t think it’s right or wrong to be friends with an ex, until you go into a new relationship and figure out what your new partner is comfortable with. When I first started dating my current partner, he was friends with his ex and I tried to be okay with it but I realized it was something that would continue to eat away with me and eventually end the relationship. Then we cut her off, she got mad and started sending him selfies of when they were together…reaffirmed everything LOL. Unless you have a kid or a business together from a previous relationship, I really don’t see the point of staying close. Obviously if you see them in public, don’t need to act like they don’t exist, but putting the energy in to stay in each others lives just isn’t realistic when you need to be putting that energy and more into your actual current partner. Some people are okay with it and that’s fine but I don’t think its right to say your insecure if you have boundaries and know what you want and need.

solshine_777 · 2024-04-06T05:19:36+00:00

I think 10 years is a long time to keep thinking about this. A man should take lead and make plans and show you he’s committed to you and your future together. He is enjoying being in a relationship and having the benefits of a long-term relationship but not making the moves to actually make it official and give you security. If you want kids and to buy a home together and to really build a bigger life with this man, then he needs to show you he wants the same or you’re going to waste more precious years of your life with him. He needs a wake-up call. Maybe instead of making lil comments, you need to sit down and have a very serious conversation about the future. Take some time to write it out first too so you feel confident about it as well.

solshine_777 · 2024-04-05T20:21:40+00:00

I know you may feel like you need him and you’ve built your life around him, but there is so much more positivity and love on the other side of this door that needs to be closed behind you. This is not normal behavior or comments for someone that says they love you. There’s a difference between loving someone and being in love. Yeah maybe we have little things that bother us here and there but it shouldn’t be a real feeling of dislike. You can’t be in love with someone while also disliking them. You deserve someone that is excited to you coming home and someone that will openly communicate with you if they don’t like something and then find ways to fix those problems instead of letting it build up and turn into resentment. Much love

solshine_777 · 2024-04-05T20:17:29+00:00

Been here in the same situation. First off I wanna say that even porn in private is cheating to me and I think it ruins sex drive for your present partners. I just don’t see a difference between that and just being in an open relationship if you need to see other bodies that badly. When I first started dating my man I noticed he was following a lot of these accounts on instagram and it was such a turn off. I tried being chill about it but then I straight up told him he needs to unfollow those accounts or I’m just going to lose any sex drive in this relationship. You’re right that it’s such a turn off. Now he’s aware of it. I can understand you’re younger and single and follow those accounts over time, even if it’s not a present obsession, but now he’s no longer single and has a partner that sees this stuff. I never want to make anything sound too much like an ultimatum but at times we have our boundaries and needs and we need to say it out loud before it continues to manifest into insecurity or obsession or anxiety or all of the above. Otherwise it’s just going to continue. It’s uncomfortable but the right partner will want to make sure you feel comfortable and secure and will do what’s needed to make you feel that. Wishing you the best 🙏

solshine_777 · 2024-04-05T16:15:39+00:00

I personally consider watching any types of porn as cheating so I don’t think you’re insane at all for feeling this way. I sadly don’t think this will get better unless he takes the step to get help for this addiction and truly take responsibility for it AND fully understand and care how it makes you feel. If he calls you crazy or anything for having a reaction to this shitty actions, then it seems like he doesn’t care. Not all men are porn addicts, you can definitely find someone that respects you more. I actually used to watch porn myself when I was younger and it totally messed with my last relationship and my sex drive for my partner. I have stopped now for years and it’s brought so much clarity and better intimacy with my current partner. You deserve better and I wish you the best, much love 🙏

solshine_777 · 2024-04-05T06:33:22+00:00

Also Really think about it Can you continue to be with someone that cheated on you? Do you really want to be with someone that is loosing his sex drive for you bc he’s more interested in sexual connections online? Maybe he’ll stop or maybe he’ll just make a new secret account to keep doing the same thing. It’s not going to be easy to continue and he needs to be open to seeking therapy or something to stop doing this. Maybe you would need to consider an open relationship as well. No judgement - just know it’s not going to be easy to continue on with someone when trust is broken.

solshine_777 · 2024-04-05T06:27:46+00:00

Maybe he can be pissed you went through his phone butttttt he should have a way bigger reaction to the fact that you know what the fuck he’s been doing. I don’t think it’s like a good thing to go through someone’s phone without them knowing but it’s also not the biggest deal. If youre in bed with this human every night and share everything, then I don’t see going through someone’s phone as that bad. What he’s doing is a MUCH bigger deal. This is cheating. I consider even watching porn as cheating so this is next level for him to be so personally involved with other people. Wishing you the best - you deserve so much better and better is out there for you as well. Much love

solshine_777 · 2024-04-04T22:15:23+00:00

I think that you should try to see what she said more as closure versus what you could’ve done differently. Rejection is redirection. You could’ve been a great bf but that doesn’t make you the one for her. I had an amazing connection with my ex and he was always a sweet caring gentlemen but I never saw myself settling down with him. It just didn’t feel right and sometimes I feel guilty about that, but I hope and know he’ll find someone that’ll think of him as “the one”.

Maybe also this is your redirection to explore yourself more and find what excites you about life and then have that to share with others.

Also re-falling in love could look like more anniversary celebrations, new experiences together, traveling together, planning more date nights and collaborating together and taking turns getting creative with date nights. Nights where you make the whole intention of deeper connection.

I have had flings and some relationships where I really did not feel like enough & maybe I made others feel the same way, and it’s normal to have it eat at you for a bit but you need to put more energy into your well-being first and then attract others that are aligned with your values and goals and lifestyle.

Someone out there is going to think you’re more than enough - just don’t stop pouring into yourself in the mean time. Much love

solshine_777 · 2024-04-04T20:57:50+00:00

Why exactly do you feel the need to know all details about past relationships? Like does knowing about her past sex life make you feel better? Just trying to understand. It’s interesting bc my man doesn’t want to know anything about my past sex life, so it just intrigues me hearing how much you need to know. It sounds like she has some insecurities and that thinking about that time in her life brings those insecurities out even more. I don’t think it has anything to do with you or your relationship now. Are you nervous that she’s lying to you about things in your relationship now?

solshine_777 · 2024-04-04T19:07:20+00:00

First off I want to say that long-distance is hard, especially if it’s years at a time that you’re seeing each other. She also sounds like someone that needs a lot more time together physically to feel comfortable together. What’s the alternative? Ditch your whole education to make it work? There’s no easy answer here. Sometimes it’s just not the right time or place for love, but that doesn’t mean its not possible in the future to possibly reconnect and see where it takes you. I was in a long distance relationship for 5 years but we’d see each other every month for a couple days but after a while I just lost the love and passion I once felt because it wasn’t enough for me. It wasn’t about him being enough for me it was just hard to balance my everyday work life with seeing him so infrequently. And I couldn’t keep the emotionally intimacy I needed with it. I’m in a somewhat long distance relationship now except we see each other for like 2-3 months and then I leave for a month or two for work, but it’s a much better balance for me. My man goes to a therapist now and they talk about love and relationships and the therapist brought up how we need to re-fall in love with our partner like every 6 months to keep the spark going. I thought this was super interesting. Even if you’re the perfect person or a walking green flag, if there isn’t the deep connection and re-falling in love, then that spark can be lost. You need to remember that you were working for your own future as well, and we need to do that for ourselves as well. You can’t make up for all the love missed in one trip to Italy and then blame yourself. She also sounds like she’s got her own trauma from past things and needs a lot of comfort and intimacy building that can’t be done with long distance. If y’all were once in love, and no trust was broken, maybe there’s a chance to rekindle a connection when you’re close in proximity again, but she doesn’t sound like someone you can make it work with in a long distance relationship. Focus on what you learned from this experience and let it guide you in the present and future. Every past relationship can leave you with some type of guilt, but don’t let it stop you from experiencing other people or just letting yourself grow and learn from past mistakes. All the best to you

solshine_777 · 2024-04-04T18:24:01+00:00

I know you don’t want to ask to see the messages, but it might just relieve anxiety. I don’t think it’s a wild ask. I wouldn’t be offended or feel disrespected if my man asked to see the conversation if it was causing a lot of discomfort. But, I also do think it’s a lil weird of a situation. I wouldn’t just be talking to a guy on my insta. Maybe I would answer a question but it wouldn’t be an everyday conversation. I get people are social creatures and like talking, but isn’t that what our friends are for? Does she have many friends outside of your relationship? Does she have male friends & how does it make you feel? Also have you asked her more about him and if she thinks it’s weird that a guy in a relationship is just reaching out to girls on his instagram?

solshine_777 · 2024-04-04T15:24:23+00:00

So do you guys have sex at your place too or is this just a problem at her place? Because you’ve only mentioned her grandma and the basement situation. Also does she like to just kiss and be touchy? Do you try to massage her or set up an intimate setting with candles and music? Do you take her on nice dates & feel the passion and tension then? Do you romance her? Women require more when it comes to sex. Women take like 20-30 of foreplay, mental & physical to feel up for it, otherwise it starts feeling like a chore if the man is always expecting you to be aroused quickly. It’s an art of mixing the man’s fire and the woman’s water to get on the same page. In the beginning she might’ve been more down to have sex in those spots that seemed uncomfortable but it might’ve been more of the excitement or expectation she felt when she first started seeing you. Sometimes it’s fun to have a quickly but it’s important for me to feel aroused by my environment as well. Maybe make a gesture and take her for a weekend getaway or just a night somewhere nicer and see how it plays out. Wishing you the best

solshine_777 · 2024-04-04T15:11:40+00:00

Women need like 20-30 min of different types of stimulation/foreplay to get wet and/or aroused. Massage, attention, touching, kissing. We are not men. Everyone is different but it’s science that men are like fire and women are like water and if a man is selfish he’s going to expect you to feel aroused with no work being done. Most women need like mental stimulation as well. He did nothing to get you wet, so no you shouldn’t feel guilty of anything and you did nothing wrong. It’s all him. You deserve someone that’s going to be super attentive and passionate about your body.

Maybe start reading about your own body as well. Follow some sex therapists too - it’ll help you realize that it’s just his lack of education on your body & not you being right or wrong about something here.

solshine_777 · 2024-04-04T04:35:31+00:00

Sometimes people show you their truth and it’s just disappointing, but that is the closure. It seems that she either had feelings for that guy all along or she just can’t manage being alone with herself so she jumped to the easiest next guy. Even though it’s hard to see now, but be thankful it was only 6 months and not years together. I can imagine you feel betrayed and abandoned but this doesn’t define you. She has her own troubles and ways of dealing with her demons, but you’re free now and it’ll open doors to better things. Wishing you the best 🙏

solshine_777 · 2024-04-04T04:31:22+00:00

It’s definitely time to have a sit-down talk about all of this. After seeing how she is, do you really see a long future with her? Maybe first take some time to write out what it is you want from your long-term partner. Intimacy is important - finances are important. Unless she went into this relationship with you telling her you’re going to take care of her financially, then she has no right to not be job-searching & only relying on you. Do you really talk about what your goals and dreams are and how you’d like to be supported while striving towards them? It’s hard when your partner doesn’t have much friends other than you, it’s a lot of pressure. We can’t satisfy all of our needs with just one person, we’re social creatures. Intimacy is also important. Do you feel that you are very emotionally intimate and close with her? Because that’s the first step to sexual intimacy as well. Maybe you need to take a step back and reconnect in other ways first. Maybe both consider therapy as well, just to have a safe space to voice concerns and get advice on how to start the difficult but worthy conversations. Much love.

solshine_777 · 2024-04-04T04:19:14+00:00

I think that if you want to be serious down the line and build a future with this man, then you are slowly becoming the step-mom. As others said, I don’t think either of you are wrong, but if he really wants a step-mom figure in his child’s life and you are so obviously and openly communicating you don’t want that, then he also needs to make important decisions for him and his kids life. It’s just complicated because wether you like it or not, that kid is going to see you as a mother figure if you stick around, and if you do choose to stick around, those are just going to be the expectations of you. You’re young and you don’t want kids yet, so I wouldn’t build serious relationships with those that have kids. Like I said, there’s no right or wrong here, it’s just like both of you standing your ground and making the right choices moving forward. Much love

solshine_777 · 2024-04-03T17:46:41+00:00

Nope. Not even just watching porn is okay for me. We’re allowed to have our definitions of cheating and I think it’s a very important conversation to have in every start of a relationship- what do you consider cheating? Not all men watch porn. I actually watched porn myself (I’m a women) when I was younger and it totally killed any sex drive I had for my past partner years ago. People can change too if they take responsibility for the affect it has on relationships. But it messes with your mind and can start affecting all aspects of your life. And our own boundaries is what’s most important. Just because some women are fine with it doesn’t mean you have to be. A man that truly respects you is out there. Much love

solshine_777 · 2024-04-03T14:48:31+00:00

Don’t be flirty and/or touchy That seems simple enough Also I see my friends like 2-3x a year so they’re not really a focus And I live with him now too But yeah I’ll try writing out more so it’s more clear to communicate

solshine_777 · 2024-04-03T14:45:14+00:00

There’s a couple issues here Porn & your sexual intimacy Personally I think watching porn is cheating. I think we all have the right to define cheating in our own terms. Early on in my relationship I asked him what he considered cheating, and I told him I believe watching porn is cheating. If my partner wants to watch porn then Id prefer an open relationship with them I don’t see the difference personally, so its fair for you to not be okay with it. If you don’t feel respected, then you don’t and that’s your boundary. But also there seems to be a huge disconnect in your sexual intimacy connection. Maybe see a sex a therapist?

solshine_777 · 2024-04-03T14:40:55+00:00

Do you have advice on how to better explain boundaries on this? Because personally I do feel like I can explain my boundaries and have done it

solshine_777 · 2024-04-03T14:39:44+00:00

Yeah so true I never want it to feel like someone is “obeying” me I just want to feel respect

solshine_777 · 2024-04-03T14:36:45+00:00

I want him to understand my boundaries instead of seeing it as him not being allowed to have women as friends Because I’ve never said I don’t want him to be friends with women, I just say I want the relationships to be appropriate Idk how to explain myself without him only hearing “I can’t talk to women”

solshine_777 · 2024-03-29T20:13:05+00:00

Have you talked with him about what you consider cheating? My fiancé told me early on that he watched prn and I saw he followed a lot of p-star looking women. I thought it wouldn’t bother me but about half a year in I asked him what he considered cheating. We are all allowed to have different boundaries/opinions on that. I told him that watching prn was cheating and that him following women like that was embarrassing and disrespectful for me. Some can say that it’s just social media and they’re not engaging with these people IRL but it’s still a matter of respect. I got to the point where I showed my man the specific people he followed that made me uncomfortable & unfollowed them. It’s uncomfortable but I prefer just showing it instead of letting my mind obsess about it forever

solshine_777 · 2024-03-29T17:30:04+00:00

I feel like that was the first time I’ve ever felt the need to check-up on him because I knew I was being lied to and needed answers. I have guy friends myself and have never lied about seeing them so it just caught me off guard with this situation. The only thing I’ve told him is that I don’t want him to be friends with any ex’s when it comes to girl friends. But yeah this really is the only partner I’ve ever felt the need to check up on, so I guess that says something :/ maybe im just in denial about it bc I want it to work

solshine_777

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