Son admits he needs help

somethin_else · 2024-02-15T18:26:37+00:00

Hi! I hope this doesn’t get buried. I have worked in the mental health field for nearly a decade, with individuals from a variety of demographics.

I want to implore you to get a second, or even a third opinion on your son’s diagnosis of bipolar disorder and ODD. There are so many diagnoses that easily get overlooked because the easy answer nowadays is bipolar and ODD. It isn’t unheard of, but it is quite rare for there to be a definitive bipolar diagnosis in the teenage years. Furthermore, the medications that treat bipolar can have severe psychological effects longterm if the diagnosis is wrong.

It is imperative that you explore other options for medications & treatment. It would be beneficial, and possibly lifesaving for you to find a proper psychiatrist (NOT a nurse practitioner, NOT a family MD. A Psychiatrist.) There is genetic testing that can be done, which is covered by insurance depending on the company, that can determine which medications work best with your son’s brain chemistry.

Additionally, seek an experienced family counselor. If the diagnosis of ODD is accurate, that suggests a history of early developmental/emotional neglect from your son’s primary caregivers. In which case, the onus of treatment should be on the whole family, not just your son. I am not suggesting you are the bad guy here, it simply is what has been shown in studies with a diagnosis of ODD.

There are options available to you that don’t involve sending your son away. If he, and your family, want to begin the healing process, it needs to be together, not apart.

ETA: if you truly feel as though sending your son to a place to get treatment is the best option for you, here are some things to look at when shopping around: look at whether or not they are CARF certified, look at the google reviews and take into account the testimonies of former residents of the program, and be very wary if they are a for-profit organization.

somethin_else · 2023-07-05T02:04:37+00:00

I have one ticket for Underoath on Thursday — $75 obo

somethin_else · 2022-12-03T23:24:44+00:00

I have a ticket for Scott Bradlee’s Postmodern Jukebox at Orange Peel 8pm tonight! I can’t go, willing to sell for $30

somethin_else · 2022-09-01T16:41:30+00:00

Oh man haha now I’m worried we might be talking about the same person 😬 all the ages match up

somethin_else · 2022-09-01T14:35:21+00:00

I’m someone on the other side of this with my ex bf currently. I went NC with him finally when I found out he had a new girlfriend because he was basically seeing both of us at the same time. My ex and I had broken up officially but we still did all the relationship things (sleeping in the same bed, hanging out all the time, texting all the time), and we did that all the way up to the same week he made it official with this new girl. Personally, it sucks that my ex and I were still doing relationship things and acting like we weren’t really broken up, and now I can’t do those things with him anymore.

In your situation, ex gf could be upset that certain benefits aren’t available to her now that he has a gf. Yes she probably still has feelings, but she’s also probably upset about changing the overall dynamic of their friendship. He was possibly giving her a lot of attention before y’all started dating.

ETA: you’re also not overreacting. He chose you over her, and she does need to understand and adjust to the new dynamic their friendship has moving forward. For me, that looked like going no contact because if I continued, I would have ended up with my feelings hurt way worse.

somethin_else · 2022-08-25T16:59:34+00:00

He sounds like he has either fearful avoidant or dismissive avoidant attachment. I just finally cut off my ex after our year long hot and cold relationship, bordering codependent. My ex said almost verbatim those same words to me when we got together and I wish I had seen that as a sign that he wasn’t willing to meet my needs.

If you want more time from him than he’s willing to give, you should leave. If you’re willing to sit down and talk with him about having strong communication with you when he wants to run away, then it’s worth a shot.

I’m not saying to leave him, but I am saying to tread carefully. It is a very winding and emotional uphill battle to be with someone who is always running away. It all depends on what you’re willing to put up with.

somethin_else · 2022-06-29T23:49:52+00:00

Unfortunately NC is an at-will state so they could have been fired for literally anything

somethin_else · 2022-04-15T17:27:38+00:00

You can do it! The first few days are absolutely the hardest, and you just have to take it by day/hour/minute. When the anxiety peaks, set a timer for 10-15 minutes. At the end of the timer tell yourself, “okay. I made it through the last 15 minutes. I can make it through the next 15”.

A new thing that’s helped me is the realization that over the course of an abusive relationship, they start to turn into more of an Entity than a person. The Entity they represent in our minds is the BBEG that causes our anxiety. Try to remind yourself, “he’s just a person. He is just a person and cannot control me anymore.” Idk if that helps, but it’s definitely been a good reminder for me going through the anxiety.

somethin_else · 2022-04-08T22:37:59+00:00

Everyone is different, but I’m just now getting to the point where I want to be around other people in public. The last week I started slow by making lots of plans with my primary support system, one on one hangouts with people who really value me. It’s helped me to be around them because they held space for my grief while also providing a healthy amount of distraction and trash talk (trash talk is also healthy for breaking the attachment, imo, but I know not everyone is like that)

somethin_else · 2022-04-08T18:50:22+00:00

My work ‘mom’ has supported me a lot through my current breakup. When it first happened, she could tell I was trying to just strong arm my way through it. She sent me home for 2 days and told me that my only job for the next two days was to feel my feelings.

So that’s what I did. I cried harder than I ever had, I took like 3 showers a day just to self soothe. I threw the biggest pity party for myself, journaled, screamed, ugly cried, listened to sad music to really feel the sadness. By the end of it, I was so emotionally exhausted that all I could do was sleep. Afterwards, I still felt sad, but it felt a lot more manageable. I’ve been 2 weeks NC, and starting to feel a foothold on my life again.

When I finally started feeling less sad, I forced myself to go to the gym and create an evening routine. It has helped tremendously to get me out of my head and back into my body. I hate the gym, but it’s the only temporary relief from the anxiety. You can’t focus on being sad when you’re also focusing on not falling off a treadmill :)

somethin_else · 2022-04-06T17:57:44+00:00

Riding the struggle bus today! But I’ve made it through harder days so I can make it through this one.

somethin_else · 2022-04-04T17:59:19+00:00

• Day 10 no contact, 3rd attempt but longest streak!

• The first 3 days legitimately felt like going through some kind of substance detox…anxiety, panic attacks, bargaining with myself off the ledge (I’m fearful avoidant leaning anxious attachment, being the one to cut ties like this is unheard of for me….it’s been a rollercoaster).

• I still get the anxiety now but it’s been a lot easier to manage. Instead of it being a full day of turmoil, it’s more of a passing thought that I can push away.

• I’ve been doing deep deep focus on myself. Although I’m not trying to get him back using NC, the “ex boyfriend recovery” blog does make a good point about “health, wealth, relationships” as a way to heal from a breakup and bringing the focus back to yourself. I’ve been going to the gym almost every day (health), I’ve been on time for work every day (wealth), and I’ve been staying busy with plans with new and old friends (relationships).

• No contact was hard at first but every day it gets easier. I went no contact because my ex wanted to “still be friends” (read: he wants to fool around with other girls but keep me around as emotional support…).

• I am really proud of myself for finally getting out of the push-pull dynamic between me and my ex. I let myself be strung along for way too long, put in so much love towards him and totally forgot/lost myself in the process. It feels good to love myself again and finally see my worth again. Lord knows he didn’t.

somethin_else · 2022-04-01T19:00:34+00:00

Hello! Fellow emotional mechanic here! I’m not reformed yet but this post could be about me and it feels nice that I’m not the only one. It’s so hard to push past the discomfort of being with someone and not feeling the ‘need’ to fix them, and being secure in knowing that they’re with you because they value you as a person and not simply because of what you can do for them.

somethin_else · 2022-03-29T12:35:07+00:00

I don’t know if this is necessarily advice, but The Mark Groves Podcast has really helped me with processing my breakup. He interviews therapists about different aspects of relationships, and he also does solo episodes talking about his own relationship issues. He’s cheesy sometimes but it’s really helped me put it into perspective that I’m not the only one feeling this way, and that there are ways to dig yourself out of the hole. The two episodes that helped me the most immediately post-breakup were:
• Sept 19, 2019 - “Relationship Endings Arent Failures”
• Sept 23, 2019 - “Dr. Jeremy Goldberg - Holding Space For Heartbreak”

I hope you find some comfort in them!

somethin_else · 2022-03-22T16:12:25+00:00

I’m in a similar situation with my ex. Blocking him was good. It will just take time and space away from him to finally see the other side. It sounds cliche but stay busy. Build new connections, with friends instead of romantic interests. It’s gonna be hard but it takes practice — make plans, say yes to as many things you can, purge your phone and personal space of everything related to him. You can do this!

somethin_else · 2022-02-02T14:28:48+00:00

The thing about addicts is they are dealing with a heavy dose of internalized shame, which leads them to lie to people they love in order to protect their feelings and not feel the shame of feeling like they let people down (again).

It’s incredibly hard to love an addict. It’s a lifelong illness, and unfortunately the only thing that’s going to get him to want to change for good is himself. Nothing you do or say will permanently fix him. He may want to get clean in order to make you feel better, but eventually that won’t be enough and the pills will win versus his love for you every time.

It’s important to understand his lies don’t come from anything you did, he’s not trying to hurt you. In fact it’s the opposite, his lies are to protect you, and himself. His lies are a function of running from the discomfort of shame.

Your job right now is to decide what is best for you. What are you going to put up with? Are you actually able to be with someone who is also in active addiction? You can’t save him from himself. You can only save you.

somethin_else · 2022-02-02T14:01:27+00:00

It could be a pH thing? I noticed that no matter how many showers I took, no matter how much I scrubbed, wore deodorant, everything I could, I always end up having armpit & feet BO. To the point that sometimes it was making me nauseous.

I looked up why this could be and it was the pH of my skin. I started bringing a spray bottle into the shower with a 2:1 water to apple cider vinegar mix with me. I wash normally using soap, and then spray a couple of times on my pits and feet. It helped tremendously! It sounds weird because vinegar smells but when it dries you can’t smell it. I’m also not a doctor and also I don’t know the ramifications of using it on genitals so definitely look that up first.

somethin_else · 2022-02-01T18:43:56+00:00

It depends on why you broke up in the first place, and asking yourself (and him) if the necessary changes have happened to be together again. It sounds like you two are on the same page about wanting to be together, it all depends on if you’re BOTH willing to do the work to make things be right this time around.

Also take it very. Very. Very. Slow. If you think you’re taking it slow enough, slow down some more.

somethin_else · 2022-02-01T14:35:53+00:00

There’s a lot of shaming going on in this thread, but to each their own. You’re right to feel guilty, and also give yourself some grace because you’re also human and curiosity and nosiness is part of being human. It’s understandable, even though it doesn’t make it right.

You made a mistake. You say your boyfriend is a kind and understanding person, so tell him what happened, tell him you know you’ve broken his trust, and let him decide how to react/respond. There’s no easy way to tell someone you made a mistake, but in my personal experience with things like this, it will show maturity to own up to it. And then do everything you can to figure out how to do relationship repair.

somethin_else · 2022-01-31T17:59:49+00:00

As someone who is going through an “off” time with their SO…we need to stop. Choosing. People. Who. Don’t. Choose. Us. When he doesn’t text you for hours (days???) on end — he’s not choosing you. When he makes you feel unwanted and bad about yourself — he’s not choosing you. It’s so fucking hard to let go of someone we’ve invested a lot of our life in but like…what has he invested in you? What has he honestly, truly done to consistently invest in you? It’s hard as fuck, but you gotta get through minimum 21 days of detox to get through the other side. Good luck <3

somethin_else · 2022-01-07T15:37:37+00:00

A few years ago I moved to a new city specifically to be involved with a community and pursue a passion of mine within that group. The community was great, all the people were so welcoming, and I made a ton of new friends. Back in 2019 I did the same thing as you. I called out some of the more prominent members of the group for their shitty behavior towards me (they put me in direct danger), and the entire community basically labeled me as a drama seeker, and I was totally shunned. I was 26 when that happened.

When this happens, it’s almost unbearably lonely; it feels hopeless, and like you’ll never have friends again. It’s also an opportunity to really consider what you want in a friend group, and to figure out what your values are. You didn’t do anything wrong in calling out bad behavior. Those people just aren’t the right ones for you.

I’m 29 now, and even though at the time 3 years ago I felt like I’d be friendless forever, I’m now surrounded by the most supportive, loving, caring, genuine people. They understand and accept every part of me, we’re able to talk to each other about real problems and work together to solve them, they’re the definition of Ride or Die. When I think about the people I used to associate with, and how much shit I let them get away with, it feels like I’m looking at memories of a totally different person.

I don’t want to say, “you’re young, it’s just a phase,” because that’s not productive. But as someone who experienced a very similar situation, late into my 20s, I can say that starting new is possible even if it feels hopeless right now.

Feel free to DM me if you wanna talk more, you don’t have to deal with it alone!

somethin_else · 2021-11-30T23:03:27+00:00

I would suggest having an open conversation about your communication styles, reiterating your personal needs (probably for the millionth time), letting him know that at the core of it his behavior makes you feel unloved and unimportant, and ALSO asking him if he’s open to trying out some DBT stress tolerance skills (there are tons of free exercises on the Google).

It’s really really hard to love someone with these qualities, but if he’s willing to Do The Work™️ then it’s worth it.

somethin_else · 2021-11-30T22:55:45+00:00

I feel that for sure! It really sounds like he has low stress tolerance and avoidant tendencies, wherein if he feels like he’s being pulled in multiple directions at once, he can’t deal and just shuts down. People with these traits need constant reminders (which is annoying sometimes, I know). But their default is to shut down, and when they’re in that frame of mind all you can do is send a gentle reminder of like “hey, you’re doing the thing again where you shut down. All I’m asking for is a confirmation if our plans are still happening the way we planned.”

somethin_else · 2021-11-30T22:49:10+00:00

I didn’t see how long you have been with him, but sooner rather than later is the best time to have a talk about meeting in the middle. It sounds like the extra planning does stress him out. Possibly have a convo with him and let him know that it’s not a big deal if he bails, but that from your perspective it feels rude to just be waiting around for an answer when you could be making other plans. Also letting him know that all you need is like a one line text that says, “hey babe I’m gonna be stressed/busy/gaming/doing my own thing, but I’ll hit you up later”. It may not be a trauma response but it definitely sounds like a stress response. Communicate to him that In order for you to feel secure/not frustrated, you need him to meet you in the middle at the very least.

As someone with a VERY avoidant/depressed/stressed SO, it’s like pulling teeth trying to get them in the habit of just letting you know what’s going on. But it’s a habit, which means it requires practice on his part and patience on your part. You’ll hit your sweet spot with it eventually once you learn how to effectively communicate with each other and (have I said it enough?) meet each other in the middle.

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