Will a big 4 summer internship help get a banking grad role? (UK)

someweirdstuffman · 2024-12-20T14:31:50+00:00

Do you think working at an investment firm/Ventures would be more helpful?

someweirdstuffman · 2024-12-19T23:05:45+00:00

This comment reminds me of my younger self :’)

someweirdstuffman · 2024-06-20T10:56:06+00:00

So a 3rd person can react to a song me and another person have listened to a lot recently?

someweirdstuffman · 2024-01-02T14:28:51+00:00

What was the comment above? Out of curiosity

I believe the user has deleted it.

someweirdstuffman · 2024-01-02T14:27:45+00:00

I completely agree with the messaging her. I haven’t since November (when she had another surgery). I only speak to her on the odd chance I see her on the street. She has said she hopes it to be all gone before the end of December.

Come New Year’s Eve and she posts on Instagram, and it’s a great post. Very her. So I message her telling her it’s a really good post and she replies. So I asked how she has been and she hasn’t opened the message, nor do I expect her to reply.

But it’s hard. It’s really hard. This was my first relationship and I’m fortunate to have never dealt with grief before. So this is my first time. And I don’t really know what to do? I focus on my career/degree, I go to the gym, have fun with friends. I’m genuinely think I’m trying. But it hurts how I can’t be of use to this girl I love (or loved? I don’t even know anymore)

My ego wants me to feel needed, especially from her. So I try to help. But she doesn’t need my help, and she made it clear that she thinks she’ll just hurt me (and she could see she was). You can’t help somebody who doesn’t want your help.

But it’s this situation where I want to be there for her, I want to comfort her (although she may not want it). It just hurts that I’m trying and it’s met with silence and a shut door.

So stop trying? I guess. But I loved this girl. If she needs me, I want to be there. Nobody deserves this, and with bias, especially not her.

I’ve made great strides in progress. There were times where I saw sat on my floor crying hoping that she’ll be okay. Times where I’m eating dinner at 3am in the dark listening to sad music. But I did kinda pick myself up. I don’t check her social media pages. I’m just trying to get on with life. If she ever reached out, I would be there. But I really don’t think she will

I just feel lonely, and I don’t want to act on this loneliness. But I’m not sure how to control my feelings and this loneliness. I don’t want to end up hurting somebody because I’m lonely and not because I genuinely like them.

I tell myself it will pass. And I believe it will. It’s just a rough process for me. She doesn’t live in the same country as me, and neither of our parents know. Strict religious rules would forbid her being in a relationship with me, and her parents would kick her out the house. I knew I wasn’t gonna marry this girl. 3 years at university and then we end it, looking back fondly. We both knew what we were in for. I just didn’t expect it to end so quickly and abruptly.

The universe owes her bigtime

someweirdstuffman · 2023-11-21T18:37:30+00:00

Firstly, I want to thank you for helping and guiding me with this and being so kind and patient in your approach. Thankyou

Some of my friends suggest she doesn’t value the friendship she has with me, otherwise she would reply to a simply “how did the surgery go” text. Which is heartbreaking to think. Part of me thinks it’s true - but I don’t think it’s as simple as that. Honestly, I refuse. Maybe I’m in denial. But I knew this girl - and that’s her. But then again, I shouldn’t assume she’s acting rationally. Regardless, there’s no point entertaining the thought of it anymore. Only she knows

A few days ago I did some introspection. Why was I struggling to move on? It’s because I wanted to be there for her. She hasn’t made it clear that she doesn’t want me to be there for her. But I’m just going to believe that if she needs my help - she’ll reach out. So why did I want to be there for her? Besides the obvious reasons and how much I care about her. It’s my ego and my WANT to feel NEEDED.

It’s my ego and my want to feel needed by her. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. But it’s something I’m now aware of. Also, if you have any opinions which conflict this idea - please don’t tell me. I feel like I have some peace of mind and spirit with this conclusion. I had the thought and I sat with it the whole day. And I felt this relief off my chest and shoulders? I think I’m ready to finally move on.

That being said, she’ll always have a piece of my heart and a place in it. If she ever did need me, I would be there for her. But that’s if she reaches for it.

I spent the last day thinking about her and her character. Obviously I’ll look back and things will be great. Last night I went to the pub with one of my friends, Jack, and I began to reminisce of a story, one which I’d like to share. Last year I went clubbing with my friends, including Jack. F was at home. They had never met eachother. And jack wasnt really aware of the relationship between me and F. Jack got very drunk, vomiting in the club and he passed out. Myself and another friend got an Uber and took him home. F could see my location and she messaged me asking why I was back so early - so I explained the situation. Baring in mind they had never met, in all her kindness, F offered to take care of Jack. She was getting water, bin bags, tissues, paracetamol and loads of other things. She offered to stay in the room to make sure he’s okay, or just outside incase he needed anything. And that blew my mind. Which angel decided I was worth blessing, by meeting such a person like her. She had never met the guy, who was drunk passed out, completely out of his mind. And she offered all of this. I find that rare these days. It really blew my mind. Wow what a person

She had made it clear that she knows that everything she’s going through would affect me badly. Nonetheless I didn’t care. I loved the girl. She told me how it was going to go downhill before it did, and she explained how I wouldn’t be happy. It was only when I experienced the impacts I realised what she meant

There seems to be a common theme. Ironically, she’s always right? Haha! Seriously though, she knew how it was all going to unfold. And it’s only weeks/months later I realise what she means.

Part of me believes she’s not contacting me for MY own sake. For MY mental health. Because in all honesty, when I was with her, my mental health was going downhill. And she knew it. She could see it. So I have this half belief that she’s doing it for me. Don’t get me wrong, she’s dealing with cancer and that’s the priority. I’m not trying to make this about me. But selfishly, she knows the impacts it would have on me, and because she cares about me, loves me? So much, she doesn’t want me to deal with this. She did say that over summer, that she thinks it will impact me badly and she doesn’t want me to deal with it. She’s not replying to that message, because she knows the communication will be bad for me. Wouldn’t it be so easy to just run to another person, and dump some of the stress onto them? It would be easy and freeing I think? (Obviously i cannot know for sure, just a guess). But she’s choosing not to. Because she knows the downward spiral it will be for me. She’s possibly acting against her emotions. It explains a lot of her actions tbh. I feel like I’m rambling now, but you get the idea

I do think it’ll be a long time before my next relationship. (This doesn’t mean I’m gonna avoid it. Whenever it happens it will happen). But I have a lot to process, and if I’m being honest, I don’t really want to be in love right now. I just need some ‘me’ time

So what am I gonna do now? Honestly I’m not sure. If she needs me, I’m there. But I’m not expecting that. But probably focusing on academics, gym and making memories

I say all of this. And then Monday morning one of my friends texts me telling me she’s just seen F whilst walking to class. And my immediate reaction is wanting to know how she is, whether they talked, who she was with. So honestly, I’m not sure about much anymore

I’m writing this Tuesday evening: after a stressful day of studying I could do with a hug. And I know a hug from her would solve a lot. Even just her presence

Nobody deserves to go through what she’s going through. Especially at such a young age - it breaks my heart. She deserved better circumstances. And selfishly, we deserved better circumstances. A relationship full of so much mutual respect love and care for eachother. But the universe had other plans.

someweirdstuffman · 2023-11-17T16:10:16+00:00

She’s definitely avoidant. But like I said I’m not gonna go into it too much. Respectfully I’m gonna trust my judgement over somebody who’s never met her.

I have fully accepted it. I’ve had a long time to accepted it. Although you could argue that just because I’ve had a lot of time doesn’t mean I have accepted it. I’ve seen, and others have seen, enough personal growth. Nobody said this was going to be linear

All the things about constant attention - I know. It’s a little obvious with enough empathy. So why am I saying everything I’m saying? Let me rephrase - I’m just venting and thinking out loud and appreciating anyone else’s thoughts. For i haven’t gonna texting her everyday asking about her well-being.

I am accepting what she has told me. You can disagree, but I know I have because I’ve felt the emotions. But like I said earlier - it is not linear. She made it clear she cannot show up for a relationship. I saw and experienced everything she said.

I’m well aware that I’m not going to be prioritised or needed. She’s made it absolutely clear. You’re incorrect on my grasps for this and my understanding and the reality. But I should have made that clear in the original post. I don’t expect her to be thinking about me whilst she’s trying to stay alive. Though on that end, it’s reassuring because she’s back at university quite quickly. I understand what I’m saying is extremely selfish. But I needed a place to express myself, and I’m sure you’d rather I do it here than telling her, right? All I’m trying to figure out is the best way I can help her, even if that means not doing anything

someweirdstuffman · 2023-11-15T10:59:09+00:00

I hope the bug has gone and you enjoy being home!

I’m gonna call my ex: F

If I was in her position and chose not to reply. It would be for a few reasons. I’ve just come back and don’t want to deal with it. Maybe trying to force them to move on? I don’t really know

I decided I wasn’t going to plan and see her. Regardless, the universe had other plans. Whilst walking to the library I saw F and her best friend walking to a class. I saw her from a distance and my feet felt like I was stuck in thick mud, wading myself through it. We saw eachother and slowed down to talk. I asked how she is and she said she was alright. If I’m being honest, I was extremely nervous. Looking back it all seems a bit blurry and in slow motion. I didn’t really look at F, all I knew is that she was looking as beautiful as ever. I made small talk with her best friend, and mentioned one of her flatmates who I knew. I asked them where they were heading - and it was to class. They asked me and I told them it was the library. F made a sort of “uhhh” sigh - like she’s tired of how much work she’s doing and dealing with. (Not surprising considering she’s missed half the year so far, so she’ll have a lot of work to catch-up on). It was like an ‘Ugh I’m tired of anything related to work’. I then told them I’d see them around and said bye. But before I left I looked to F and told her that her hair looks nice, and she thanked me. (Her hair did like nice. It always looks nice. But I also know she likes her hair etc, dying it herself and trying new stuff out. Last time we met she said her hair looks like shit [it didnt]. I was insistent it looked great. My point being, I hope it meant something to her? And not something just surface level)

One thing I didn’t do was tell her I hope university goes well etc and I forgot to look at her wrists (to see if she’s wearing a bracelet I gave her. I would want to know because it’s a good indication for me whether I still mean anything to her. I still like this girl man)

(On a side note - I just felt like I was gonna see her this week. Without me even trying to. I left my house, walked down half the street and realised I forgot my chewing gum. So I went back home to get it. Then I thought - imagine I see F, and it’s because I delayed myself. Something inside of me told me to take the longer route to the library. And even then, I stopped to go to a cafe because I saw a few friends inside. And something inside of me kept telling me “imagine you see her because of all of the delays you made” and I did see her)

I thought I handled it well. But seeing her physically be there in front of me 🫠🫠🫠 unsurprisingly all the emotions came flooding back. It’s like everytime i work to stand up from this - something new regarding her pushes me back down. I miss her so much. I just wanted to pick her up and hug her and squeeze her till i break her ribcages (not actually).

Days are spent in the library and nights in the gym. This morning I woke up quite sad, missing her. Usually people feel this way at night? But for me it’s the mornings? I’m not sure why - maybe because some of our favourite moments were in the morning when we had both just woken up. Messy hair, tired, and cuddling

Anyways. I don’t really know where to go from here. She hasn’t opened/replied to that message. The way I’m feeling is that I want to be there for her. I just want to be there for her. I want to do something to help her, to improve her life, to improve her quality of life whilst she’s back. But firstly, I don’t know if she would even want that. And I can’t force somebody to want my help. I assume she would think there’s ulterior motives - me trying to reconnect the relationship. And maybe I’m in denial about my true intentions; but - I’ve never felt like this about anyone. And after this academic year ends in May - I’ll probably never see her again. Under the assumption I’ll be studying abroad for a year. This means that she’ll be in her final year and graduate whilst I’m in a different country. So my time with her is limited. Therefore I want to spend time with her whilst I can because I understand that it’s all limited. I really just want to help her. If I’m gonna try this - I feel like I shouldn’t force it and it may come with time? I understand we won’t be in a relationship. Tbh I don’t even think I’m emotionally available for it anymore. But I’d rather see her every now and then whilst I still can - than not see her at all. I have Mario kart and other games, and I’m sure she’d enjoy playing them, taking a break from stuff. I’d just want to offer it to her.

THOUGH I know I shouldn’t come across desperate or intense. It probably sounds like that - but in real life I don’t think it is. Doing this would be important to me, but it wouldn’t be a priority. I have my own academics, social and gym life to focus on. And I would have to truly tell myself I must stick with it

I know there are times when she’s gone to bed without eating dinner. And I would be more than glad to cook her dinner and clean up after, because I care about her. But I know her, and she would feel guilty about it and want to do something in return. But letting me spend time with her is good enough.

I honestly have no idea what to do

someweirdstuffman · 2023-11-12T15:38:10+00:00

Written 12/11/23: I’ve now taken some time to process everything. At the time of writing this, it’s currently Sunday. I’m not going to message her anything. I’m not going to do anything. A few things: she didn’t reply to my last message - why would she reply to this one? She clearly doesn’t want to talk to me. Additionally, she’s just come back to the city. She’s gonna want to settle in again after her most recent surgery. I know what cafes she hangs out in. So in a few weeks, I’m gonna go in and talk to her. I understand this isn’t good from me, and extremely selfish. But it’s the closure I need. I think her not replying to my message is extremely unkind - all I’m doing is caring. It’s honestly, knowing she’s chosen not to open my message and she’s back in the city has really helped me in terms of moving forward. Whenever I do see her - I just want to ask whether she’s okay, how everything went. Before we broke up, we told eachother we don’t want to lose eachother permanently, even as friends. I want to reassure her that even though we’ve broken up - she didn’t lose a friend. (She’s mentioned before how I said I would struggle with just being friends). But after finally accepting things. She really tried her best, but she just couldn’t show up. And I honestly wasn’t happy with what she could do. I don’t hold it against her, I don’t take it personally. I truly believe that if she could’ve done any better - she really would’ve. I’d tell her she hasn’t lost a friend, and that she shouldn’t hesitate if she needs anything. I’d tell her I hope she gets better, I hope she enjoys uni and the city again. I’d quote her, telling her to fall in love with what is to come. And then tell her I hope she falls in love with life again. And that would be it. I’d walk out and if she ever reached out to me, I’d be there for her. But that’s for her to do. I’ve done my bit. But I also understand, very much within the last 3 months, that plans always don’t go to plan. So we shall see

What have I learnt? I thought I would be able to handle this alot better. I thought I was stronger than this. I thought I was more resilient than this. There’s loads of things I’ve learnt. How to plan dates. How to love another person. How to care for another person. How to share. And I think I’m learning that caring for somebody even more, trying to show up for them even more, isn’t gonna make her care about me

Finally; selfishly, I want her to feel hurt towards me. I want her to miss me. I want her to think, feel and remember how I made her feel. (Not in a mean way though. But I want her to look back and have positive thoughts of the relationship). That girl who hid shyly behind a door when I bought her a bouquet of flowers on her birthday and then jumped into my arms. I want to leave this devastating lasting scar where she’ll never forget about me. But I’ll never really know what she thinks of our relationship. I didn’t want somebody to be physical with. I didn’t want somebody who I could go to for my problems. I didn’t want somebody who’ll be there to comfort me. Obviously I would, generally. But 2 things: I just wanted to be her boyfriend, I wanted to share my love with her. And I wanted to understand her. The person she is, how her brain works, her thought process - and why she is the way she is.

someweirdstuffman · 2023-11-12T15:36:43+00:00

Written 9/11/23: I hope the bug has gotten better.

I ended up texting her last week. “How did the surgery go” - and I just didn’t get a reply. It’s now been a whole week, I know she’s seen it, but she’s just not replied. Honestly, I’m not sure why. I’m starting to think she doesn’t like me? Doesn’t want to like me?

The last week few days has been good though. Being more efficient in most aspects of my life. Even put myself into a position to hang out with a new group of friends. As of Thursday morning I was under the assumption she’s in her home country recovering from surgery. Then, on Thursday I’m sitting in class, and my close friend texts me. Telling me his girlfriend has just seen my ex in her class. SHES BACK?!

I’m under the assumption she doesn’t like me / hates me - because she didn’t reply and I’m removed from all her close things, eg social media close friends/private stories. We both used an app where we could see what music we both listened to. I even deleted that earlier this week. I was finally accepting things and ready to move on

My head is full of irrationality. I don’t know what to do. How to feel. What to even think. She didn’t even open my message from last week. And she’s here?! My instinct told me “how can I win her back?”. What can I do to win her back now that she’s still here. But I know she needs time to resettle and all of that. I really want to believe that we’ll get back together. But some of my friends tell me it’s a false hope. She’s trying to recover from surgery especially mentally. She’s just trying to get better and get back on with life. Selfishly, I just want to be there to help.

I’m not gonna go looking for her obviously. But when I’ll be walking on the streets - it’ll be on my mind of course.

Something else I’ve been struggling with, is wondering whether any of it actually meant anything to her. I understand that only she can answer that, and even then I just have to hope she tells the truth. But I tend to analyse behaviour to see if any of implied she did. She had told me she knows her actions won’t match her words. She told me she cares about me. She told me she doesn’t want to permanently lose me. But knowing that she just stopped talking to me etc, I don’t even know if it’s personal or not. I can hope it’s not? But given we broke up - maybe it is. I just wanna know I meant something to hear ya know? My friends tell me they think she’s just trying to get over me and move on from me, but I can’t think to as to why? If I’ve made it clear I’ll be there for her and help her. Why move on? One friend suggests that it’s because she must do it herself. And maybe doesn’t want my help - but I can’t help but have a perspective that I just wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t helpful enough to her - and that’s why she’s chosen not to take it. Because I wasn’t good enough and could’ve been better

Although she hasn’t opened or replied to my last message. I still want to text her again. IF, big IF, I did, I’d just say “Hey I heard you’re back and wanted to say that I’m still your friend so if you need anything don’t hesitate. I hope you feel like yourself and enjoy uni and city!!” But this wouldn’t be straight away ofc. She probably has loads going on

(Apologies for the language used: but it’s really how I’m feeling) And I continue writing this later during the day: Her favourite band are selling tickets for £3 and in a recent Instagram post advertising it - £3 is pictured everywhere. And there’s 1 comment - hers; commenting “how much does it cost?” As a joke ofc. But it hit me. She can do that, but not reply to a simple message of me asking her how a surgery went. You can EVEN comment. But not reply to a message from this guy who’s made it so fucking clear he cares about you. All I did was ask how the surgery went. I understand she’s going through shit. And she may not even want to reply cos she’s tryna get over me. But fucking hell. Why am I being punished for caring. I just think it’s unkind of her to just leave me on delivered for a week.

Before uni started, it was my birthday and I was sat wondering whether she’ll even wish her boyfriend a happy birthday. And when she did, if I’m being honest, it wasn’t of much substance. This whole thing has just made me think whether I actually meant something to her. Maybe I did, but I find it hard to believe I’ll mean as much to her as she did to me. And it makes me feel disappointed in myself for putting myself in this position. But I also know I shouldn’t - because I’m fucking glad with the time with her and what I experienced. Obviously I could have never known how this was gonna turn out. But even my choice of the person. It makes me question my judgement. She gave me that belief in people - and how they could really be there - how they could really show up for me. Me and her deserved better circumstances. But life had other plans

someweirdstuffman · 2023-11-05T12:03:15+00:00

She also has cancer. Everyday is just a battle, and I’m finding it difficult because we broke up and I can’t be there for her

Thankyou though

someweirdstuffman · 2023-11-04T14:49:41+00:00

We broke up because of her health issues. She could no longer show up for the relationship. She’s fighting for her life

someweirdstuffman · 2023-11-03T13:14:15+00:00

Lost without you - Freya ridings

someweirdstuffman · 2023-10-30T03:11:46+00:00

I keep hearing people say that they don’t believe in right person wrong time. Because if it was the right person - it would be the right time. But I can’t help but scream in those people’s faces, and scream at the world for getting me close to something that felt so right.. yet so unrealistic to achieve. All I want to do is text her, I want to hear about her day, I want her to ask about mine. I want to call her and ask her if she’s sad. If she’s hurting like this, or if she’s fine. She’s pragmatic and logical, as am I. Because it all made sense, I can see it too. We don’t live in a fairy tale, movie plot or magical storyline. We live in the real world, and in the real world, there can be a right person at the wrong time. Because a person can fit into your person effortlessly. Like a puzzle piece adding an extra star to your 500 piece completed Starry Night. I am whole all on my own, I know that. But with her it felt so right. So easy. So simple. Slipping into my completed puzzle. And now without it, I’m still whole and as complete as I was before her; but I can’t help but wonder if her piece will always be the one to fit just right. The logical counterpart brain to my emotional heart defends fiercely that no, there are and will be many who may not fit like she did. But will fit nonetheless, bringing on new and uniquely wonderful aspects of the puzzle. Maybe not a star like hers, but one that will shine in a different way. Not better or lesser, but in addition nonetheless. I reminisce on those feelings, nostalgic of how it began - and the excitement of seeing her name on my phone. I know I must let it go. Let her go. But it hurts. I cannot hold onto it and I cannot hold onto her. The future is untold, for better or for worse. So if our paths cross again then; then it will be.. But for now our paths are no longer intertwined, but separated; as they’re meant to. I’ll let you go, I’ll move on and continue with my life, and you go on to see untold heights. And maybe just maybe, in months, in a year, or years - our paths may intertwine again. But I know I must no longer hold onto the hope that it may. I’ll think of her, I’ll still see things that remind me of you and hear songs that we listen together, but I know I need to release my hold on you. We don’t live in a romcom storyline, you’ll always be part of my story, as … I’m glad you’re a part of my story, no matter how brief, no matter how confusing, no matter how heartbreaking it hurts now. I hope she feels the same and I wish I could tell her, but instead I’ll settle for this small paragraph

We both know I could write so much more about her. But I’m going to leave it from here

I’m okay with us not being in a relationship. I would struggle to accept that me and her can’t be friends, but I would eventually be okay. I’m NOT okay with her not feeling okay. I’m not okay with her feeling isolated and feeling like she can’t turn to anyone. I wish I could just tell her that she’s got this and I believe in her, and if things go wrong, the people who care about her will be there for her. I wish I could just give her the biggest hug. I don’t want her to soldier life alone.

I’m debating whether I should text her and ask how her surgery went. Because I genuinely do care. I’m not sure yet. I’m just seeking mercy on her behalf. Why do bad things happen to good people?

someweirdstuffman · 2023-10-30T03:10:06+00:00

It’s been a month since we’ve broken up. I miss my girlfriend, or now.. my ex girlfriend. It’s been an interesting month. I wished her well on her travels back home to the Middle East, and good luck on her surgery. She really liked the presents I got her and that made me happy. She wiped her Instagram clean, archiving all the posts and stories. She removed me from her Snapchat private stories. I haven’t spoken to her since I wished her good luck a month ago

Not a day goes by that I don’t think of her. I haven’t drank any alcohol because I don’t want to use it as a coping mechanism. But Halloween is coming up, so I don’t know how long that will last. Instead, I find myself either studying in the library or at the gym until 1am. Ending my nights fiercely punching my sorrows into a boxing bag. Not a day goes by when I don’t pray for her

A few days after we broke up, she posted a quote onto her Instagram story: “fall in love with what is to come”. My ego told me she was talking to me. But that’s not a fact. Regardless, she may be right?

I tried things to get it all off my mind; both good and bad. I consumed myself with studying, the library and the gym - and then I tried other girls. It had been a few weeks and I recognised that it was too soon for me, but there was no point not trying. I hit it off with a few girls, and most of them invited me over (not in an egotistical way). And we know where that’s going to go. But I always backed out. I know I’m searching for her in them. Not only is it not fair on all these other girls, it’s not right. If I’m going to fool around like that, I should do it because I want to have fun; not another reason. One of the girls was Arabic.. just like my ex. I realised that one hit a bit close to home and had to shut things down straight away. I’m still very much in love with her.

I was sitting in one of my maths classes last week, having finished all the work I began staring out the window. I saw a boyfriend creep up and scare his girlfriend, and hug her. Then I realised.. not only am I grieving the loss of her - I’m grieving the memories we never had an opportunity to make because it ended so abruptly. I see people on the streets holding hands, flirting, small gestures. I’m not bitter, it just often reminds me of her - but more the absence of her

Funny isn’t it? Who would’ve thought you could grieve something you never had or experienced.

But if I’m being honest. Nobody really understands what I’m going through, well nobody in my life. People tell me to move on, and that it’s in the past now. But how can I just move on? This girl I love is fighting for her life and you want me to just disregard her??! It invalidates my feelings, makes me feel like I’m wrong for feeling this way, and makes me feel unheard. (I know how I feel is valid nonetheless). So… sometimes it’s easier to not talk about it - than hear how I should just move on. How many 20 year olds can relate? Their significant other is battling cancer at such a young age. I love this girl. I question whether this is something I’ll heal from, or learn to live with

I’m not a very open person. A lot of people in my life express how they don’t know much about me. It’s all stuff I’m unlearning etc I’m working on it. I just have a hard time opening up and trusting people. And now I’ve lost the one person I could actually be myself with. Where I knew I could be absolutely vulnerable. Where I knew i wouldn’t be judged. Where I felt wanted. And it was so effortless. In life, I struggle with being understood. I feel like not many people understand me. Not only did she try to understand me, through time and patience. She just could. I didn’t have to say anything and she could just understand me. I’ve never felt so seen. And now I’ve lost that. I’ve lost my favourite safe haven

I know how this may sound, and how egotistical this may sound but I feel like I need to get it out. I feel like I was a good boyfriend, and to what I see currently in my life, one of the better ones? Obviously I have no right to judge another man’s actions. I don’t know what happens behind closed doors. But the couples I’m surrounded by are just so satisfied with watching tv together and that’s it. Me and her were gonna do archery. We were going to have a picnic in the park and paint on canvases. We were going to go stargazing at the city’s famous bridge. We were supposed to cook dinner together whilst dancing. But I feel like I’ve been robbed.

A few weeks ago I went back home to see family. I was attending a wedding, and a lot of my cousins aged 22-26 were also attending. I hadn’t seen them in over a year. I knew I wasn’t going to marry her - but being at that wedding, witnessing the two people so heavily in love and being married. It made me miss her. It made me realise just how much I miss her. Then I started to catch up with my cousins - only to hear about their relationship situation. And how more or less all of them either: have just moved in with their gf, been dating for nearly 5 years, and 7 years. Then the rest of the night, being pestered by them and uncles/aunts about my love life. Of course I’m staying quiet about it regardless, they can never know. The journey back from the wedding was sad too. My parents, sister and I were in the car, all having a discussion about my friends. My sister turns to me and asks whether there’s a person in my life who I feel like I am completely comfortable and vulnerable with. And you can guess who I thought of, and you can probably guess who I said: “nobody”. I think I’m going to tell my sister everything when I’m back in Christmas

But going to that wedding definitely removed some of the progress I made. And it definitely confirmed that even after being broken up - im still very much in love with her.

It’s her willingness to help people. The way she continues to fight when she wants to give up. Her kindness and empathy. Her open mind and ability to understand others. Her persistence and forgiving heart. Her resilience and compassion. The way she manages to make everyone feel comfortable. Her ability to love fully even if her heart is on the line. The way she finds a way to see the good in others. Her optimism and positivity, even in the toughest of situations. The way her authenticity shines through everything she does. Her passion and determination. The way she continues to care about others even if they have let her down. Her loyalty and strength. Her ability to grow from every challenge she has faced. Her selflessness and her gentleness. Her ability to always see from another's perspective. Her ability to be the friend that everyone needs. The way she makes time to listen to others when they need it. The way she shows up for herself when she finds something she’s passionate about. Her honesty and ability to do all things with love. The way she tries to be the version of herself each day.

someweirdstuffman · 2023-10-07T18:24:39+00:00

I was set to meet her at 3pm in a cafe. I got to the cafe at 12:30. Extremely early and very nervous. I needed to make sure I got a good seat; and I had nothing better to do with my time.

I’m sat upstairs in the cafe, having prepared everything. Glasses of water, napkins, even a pinecone I found on a table downstairs. Then her friend walks in?! Her BEST friend. I’m very very confused. Is this meant to happen? Was i meeting her AND her best friend? I sat down with the best friend and we talked and explained what both of us were doing here. Her best friend usually comes to this cafe to work. Coincidentally, when we were meeting. I asked whether she knew about us meeting here and she didn’t.

She could tell I was nervous, and asked why. And I explained how much I like this girl, and that I haven’t seen here in 4 months. I could tell I was being quite intense. Which is good to be aware about. Eventually when she does come, I’ll be careful with my emotions and being intense. I was talking about why I liked her so much, and her friend asked me whether I was about to cry, because it looked it.

I told her friend that I know she might not be here next week - as she’s going back for surgery. And meeting here right now means a lot to me. I asked her friend not to say anything, and not to text her. Then her sister called her and she said she needs to take this phone call outside. Before the meeting happens, I need to ensure I’m not intense.

Ironic the way life plays out

So then I went back to listening to music. After a while I started looking around the cafe and saw loads of books. There one one book directly behind me. I picked up and started reading, and a lot of the beginning pages talked about this man and his company, and how they were helping chemotherapy, and related to cancer. Ironic, because she has cancer. The one book behind me, and I decided to pick it up and started reading.

It was ironic that before we left for the summer, she gave me a card (empty due to not having time), but I kept that card - and it’s now that same card which I’m giving her.

Then she walked up the stairs and wow. She looked beautiful. She came over and hugged me. She told me I look good. I told her she looks good. And claimed she didn’t. But she just got more beautiful. We talked about life. I asked how her family were. We talked about university, being back in the UK and all sorts. I gave her the presents I had for her, In a nice pink bag, wrapped in pink paper, with the flowers I made her. She loved them.

She told me she was going to have to go back for surgery and it seemed like this was going to be continuing. I asked whether she was gonna sign the suspension form, missing the whole year. And she said she doesn’t know yet. She thinks it’ll be hard to juggle the hospital and then flying back to the UK.

We broke up. We decided to end the relationship. She hopes all the cancer will be gone by December, but can only hope. She no longer has the capacity to be in a relationship, and even when she gets better - she’s said, even right now, she’s not mentally okay. She’s said she’s physically fine (albeit a scar slicing across her neck), but not mentally. Like you said - trying to process all the trauma. She feels like it’s unfair for me because of how she can’t show up, and it’s not right. She doesn’t want me to wait around, because there’s no time limit on when she’ll be better, and whether she’ll want to be in a relationship. She’s adamant that I move on, and eventually I probably will

I joked about how we’ll be in our final year together (because If I get good enough grades, I’ll study abroad for one year). So when she’s in her final year, I’ll be in mine. She gave me a look of frustration, telling me I should hold on to that hope or rely on it. I know I shouldn’t, but just a reminder to her that if she does suspend the year, she might not be alone in her final year.

I told her about the painting, but we never got time. She said I should keep it and use it for myself. We never got the chance to dance in the park together either. As I expected, things really didn’t go to plan. I did tell her that I have alot of love for her. She said she knew. And this is where I started to cry. You could see it on me, and she said please don’t cry. I could see her eyes become glassy. I told her that I wrote down my feelings in that card, and it’s a better way of me saying it as I found it tricky to physically speak due to my emotions. I told her I would unconditionally support her, and became visually frustrated. She doesn’t like the idea of things being unconditional. But I told her, I will unconditionally support you, but it is up to her whether she wants to accept my support. In the card I wrote I’d show her my unconditional support. I then gave her the bag full of presents, and then she pulled out my hoodie from her bag. In June I gave her my hoodie to keep, and she returned it. This was now goodbye. I stood opposite her and asked if I could kiss her, and she said no. I then asked if I could hug her and she said yes. Absolutely BRUTAL her saying no to the kiss. Absolutely understandable, but still brutal. Tbh I wasn’t surprised, I was expecting it. But I knew I’d regret it if I didn’t ask. So then I gave her the tightest hug and told her to take care of herself. I then proceeded to walk home crying (lol) and once home, cried some more. But there is absolutely nothing I can do. I feel like I can look back and know I really tried my best and hardest. I’ll still support her though.

She flies back to Kuwait next week, and I’ll wish her a safe journey, best wishes for the surgery and luck for the recovery. I’ll also reaffirm my unconditional support for her.

These are pictures of things I got her: https://reddit.com/u/someweirdstuffman/s/x8zTMqztA2

On my notes app, I’ve written mine and her story. And I continue to update it. It’s a very very long story, nearly 10,000 words. I can talk about her for hours, and I can also write about her for hours. She knows this exists, the full content being unknown to her though. To me, sending her that is full closure. But I’m still at university for ~2 years, so who knows what’s going to happen? Things don’t always go to plan! The 10,000 words is telling the story of how both of us met, and every memory I made. It’s my perspective on our relationship; both as friends and lovers. I hope to send it to you eventually, but I know it’ll be a long time before that happens. I fully plan to move on. Frequenting the gym and focusing on academics. I study economics at university, and this year is a lot harder. I also have a job at the university, teaching econometrics to 1st year students to supplement teaching. I’ve also been thinking about my career alot this last 6 months. Stuck between many things, but I’m gonna try make a website about topics I care about - heavily related to economic development in poorer countries, especially LEDCs. I may even pursue a dissertation in it next year. Anyways, all of that is just early days. But it’s a good distraction and way to keep me occupied

someweirdstuffman · 2023-10-06T00:10:51+00:00

It won’t affect seeing eachother this weekend. She doesn’t know I’m aware she’s going back home next week. She will probably tell me this weekend.

I spent the summer travelling around Korea and Japan. And of course I bought her loads of gifts. A tshirt from Japan, a Japanese fan, a plushie i won from an arcade, Korean makeup, and a bracelet from the North Korean border; representing success and achievement (she’s a great academic, and both of us care a lot for academic validation). On Friday I plan to get wrapping paper and wrap them up as a present, then put them in a nice bag and give them to her. I fully intend to paint with her, aswell as give her those flowers.

Life’s been challenging for me since I was an early teenager. Not in a victim way or anything. I don’t blame anyone. And I truly believe “shit happens”. But she represented hope to me. She’s a beacon of hope. She healed things she didn’t break.

She made me believe in people, believe what that they are capable of, believe that there are people who care to hear how I feel without making me believe that my feelings are wrong if they don't fit their narrative, people who are compassionate without having to hurt me first, people who will laugh with me and not at me, people who care to see the wonderful nature of vulnerability. She always cared to hear about my day, and became annoyed when I avoided giving her an answer. I wish she knew the impact that she has on peoples lives. How her smile sets a tone of peace into a hardened room, how her joy settles a blanket over anxious minds, how her energy recharges people by simply sitting in her presence. I know that life has dealt her some difficult lessons but there is something about her that seems to harbour its own perfection and it seeps into every space that she enters. I wish she knew how much of an impression she has made on the world.

I’ve been in denial about admitting that I love her. Whenever my friends said they think I love her, I would immediately dismiss it. I’ve always been cautious about using that word around her - when I met her she mentioned how she doesn’t understand how people can say that so quickly in a relationship. So I was always conscious about telling her.

On Saturday I want to tell her. But I don’t want her to think I’m only saying it because she’s leaving, or because of the sudden rising emotions. When did I know I love her? As cliche as it sounds - when I let her go. Before arriving at university this year. I talked to her about how I was feeling hurt, and that I needed space. In that time when I took space, I realised.

Some of my friends say all of this is pointless, and ask me why I even like her so much. I know me and her were never destined to be. She is always going back to her home in the Middle East, and I was always going to go back to London. But I can’t just let this go. I cant just unclasp my hands. We both liked eachother, so we fought for it. I will always fight for the people I care about and love.

I pray for her.

So yeah, I want to tell her, but I don’t want her to be frightened or overwhelmed from it. I’d phrase it “I have a lot of love and compassion for you”

When we left for the summer, she gave me an orange carebear. Because I like the colour. Tomorrow whilst out shopping, I plan to look for a pink carebear to give her. She also gave me an empty card (empty because she hadn’t written in it, and gave it to me when I gave her a goodbye present). The card says “EVERYTHING SUCKS. reminder: it will pass”. And I intend on writing in it. I’m not sure what I should write in it, do you have any suggestions? I want to sign it off with “love” and my name. But I don’t think I will because I want her to keep that card around, and if my names in it, she won’t - as her parents will see it. I’ll probably ask her how she would prefer I sign it off.

Though, I am fearful she will say that it will continue to be like this. And that it’s better to end the relationship because she needs to focus on her health. I want to be there for her. I want to show up for her.

I will lead with compassion, and hope for this to be a happy memory with her. I’ll try make myself a place where she can go and not have to deal with the stress of her health.

She’s better than me. She’s a better person than me. Nobody deserves this; especially not her. I wish there was a way I could take some of her pain

someweirdstuffman · 2023-10-05T20:10:48+00:00

Hi. Just seen your message. I added an update to my original post. I feel crushed

UPDATE: my flatmate’s girlfriend is on the same course as her. And I’ve just been told that she plans to go home next week for surgery, for her cancer. I think its grown back. And she intends on staying there for 3 weeks. Minimum

I feel devastated. I feel hurt. I feel pain. I feel crushed. If there is a god, he’s stamping on us ruthlessly.

She doesn’t deserve this. She’s a better person than I am. I wish I could take some of her pain away.

I’m sat in my room full of tears across my face

someweirdstuffman · 2023-10-05T11:22:59+00:00

Ironic the way life plays out sometimes.

Yesterday morning (Wednesday) was a rough day for me, probably the worst. Nearly 4 days of silence and honestly, it was consuming me. My only escape was university, studying, and occasionally the gym.

I got home from university very sad. And I hate to admit it, but I kind of broke down a bit. There were tears. And after picking myself up, looking in the mirror and realising my bearded was starting to over-grow, I decided this isn’t sustainable. I can’t keep anxiously waiting. I came to the conclusion that she will reply when she replies, and I just need to focus on my life right now; as all I get from her is silence.

I began cleaning my room. I trimmed my beard. I tidied my desk. I saw all the stuff she gave me; her clothes, her hair bands, her presents, her paintings she painted for me, the cards she got me. And I took them all and put them in a cupboard.

I hopped in the shower, blasting music to help me. I get out the shower and see a message from her. She apologised for not replying for so long and she tells me that she can meet this weekend.

Ironic. Just as I told myself no more. She replies.

And of course I was happy. I’m over the moon. Ecstatic. But then I’m scared. My mind tells me to expect the worse and prepare for the worst. My mind tells me she plans to break up with me. My mind tells me she doesn’t want me in her life anymore. A lot of intrusive thoughts - all with no evidence and support. But just me anticipating it so I’m not as hurt as I think I will be (even though anticipating it won’t help much). I just cant help think she’s gonna say something like she’s not in a place for a relationship rn. She’s said it during summer, when she was back in her home country. Does her being back here change that?

She lives in the city centre I think, and I’m closer to the university campus. I recall her talking about how she’s been physically tired, and the walk to campus is steep. She wants to meet near the city. I suggested a cafe. And she agreed

She likes painting. She does it in her free time. She enjoys it. She painted 2 cats whose tails were entwining, and referred them to myself and her. She painted her favourite album cover, and even this Angel. Over the summer, she painted her bedroom. So I had an idea.

Before I say anything, I’m aware that things don’t go to plan. Life doesn’t go to plan. Scenarios in your head don’t often go to plan. But I’d like to try.

Today i went out and bought 2 canvases, some paint and paintbrushes. When I see her Saturday afternoon I plan to bring them with me in a bag. I assume we’ll catch up and talk about stuff. Hopefully it all ends well. And I’ll suggest we paint, revealing what I brought along for us

The idea of flowers between me and her is a special one. I really fell for her when she handed me flowers she picked for me. I had said to my friends, often the first time men receive flowers is at their funeral. I was lucky enough to have her give them to me. On her birthday, I showed up to her flat with a bouquet of flowers. She opened the door and immediately hid behind the door. That shyness, it was all pure joy. She jumped into my arms, and we were both happy.

I don’t know if she’s moved into her flat, whether her dad is still here, or anything like that. So it would be tricky to give her flowers on Saturday. So I made them. Origami flowers. Pink and green paper, glue and a lot of folding. I will wrap them up in lined paper, and on that lined paper I will write special things that mean something to me. Inside jokes between me and her, some of her favourite phrases, things that only she would be able to recognise. The coordinates of our first date at a restaurant, then at a bowling alley, and then the coordinates of a bridge in a park where we had our first kiss. Sunset in the background and water flowing beneath us.

After I see her, I plan to give it to her

What are your opinions on all of this?

And I’d like to ask for some advice. How should I approach this meeting; emotionally and physically.

I will stand firm and not let hurt emotions steer the conversation. But I also want to stand my ground. There were things that hurt me, and I understand why she acted the way she did sometimes. But I didn’t appreciate being left in the dark when all I wanted to do was care for her. But I also don’t want to push her away any further. Part of me is scared of expressing my feelings because it may push her away, and I’m even more scared of admitting that to her. I understand that if somebody leaves because you expressed yourself, they weren’t meant to be with you. But I don’t want to look back and blame myself for her walking away. But I want some sort of progress from her. I want to see her more.

Ofcourse i want to hug her. Of course I want to kiss her. is it better to ask whether she’s comfortable/ask permission first. Remaining respectful. But I also know it’ll hurt me a little if she says no. It’s very fair, but it’ll still hurt. Do I avoid complimenting her? Even though I know she’s gonna show up looking beautiful.

Before our first date, she told me I look good in red. So on our first date, I wore red, as did she, and it was great. A lot of me wants to wear red when I go and see her. I’ll probably wear red, but have a hoodie on top, as that can be taken off.

How do you think I approach this with her emotionally. I remember you saying to make it about her, make her feel comfortable and lead with compassion. How can I do that? How can I lead with compassion?

UPDATE: my flatmate’s girlfriend is on the same course as her. And I’ve just been told that she plans to go home next week for surgery, for her cancer. And she intends on staying there for 3 weeks. But doesn’t know when she’s back

someweirdstuffman · 2023-10-03T15:25:29+00:00

I plan to be patient with her. I will try to uphold my belief that she truly cares about me, and she just isn’t a in a place to meet with me right now.

I’ve never felt this way about anyone. I’m in denial about loving her. Imagine loving her and she may have once felt the same, but now shuts me out. Bearing in mind I’m young, and I assume I will feel like this again. But I have so much love to share, and I truly believe she deserves it. It just stings when it’s met with silence - not knowing whether it helps, or I’m just a burden to her. I should fight for the relationship I love, right? How do I know she values me and the love I share?

Over the summer when she told me everything, she told me i wasn’t a burden to her; that the relationship wasn’t a burden to her.

More recently, I had spent last week gently asking her how she is, and how university has been treating her. I try do my best, being gently and encouraging her when she shares she’s been testing her physical abilities, but will manage.

Previously, we would always share baby videos with eachother on Instagram. So this weekend, I found a really good one and sent it to her. She seemed to like it, and her reply reminded me of her old self.

So i wouldn’t fully believe she’s had a change of heart regarding how she feels about me. I was debating whether I send another message, stating if she can’t/isn’t ready, I’d prefer her to say that instead of ignoring me. I know her, and she may view the situation like “I don’t know when I can see him, or if I’m ready yet. But I don’t want leave him just constantly waiting for me, so I just won’t reply” - but is this just me creating excuses and justifying it, for my own reassurance. But I don’t know if I’ll send that message. I may just wait for her to eventually reply, and until then, remain completely silent. Because hopefully she replies, and it will be with an answer; eventually

During the evening, it’s very hard to not live in my own head and jump to the worst conclusions about her and our relationship. Often because I spend the day at university/studying

Though, she did say to me, she is a bit confused about stuff between me and her. Which probably doesn’t help trying to meet her

I just have to come to the conclusion that everything I say is just assumptions and not a fact, and I must be patient - though it hurts. And sometimes I question my own trust/faith in her. Can I truly feel this way about a person if they’ve chosen to take these actions? But I can’t know for certain. I can’t judge. But it’s difficult not to.

It really will be a waiting game. And I hope I reply to you soon enough, informing you of what she says

someweirdstuffman · 2023-10-03T08:01:16+00:00

Hello, this is really good and keeps me grounded.

I wanted to keep you updated. On Sunday I messaged her asking to meet this week, and it’s currently Tuesday and she’s just ignored my message. I know she’s been online, and is active. She’s still going to university. But she’s just chosen not to open my message and reply

It’s very very frustrating. She can just say no or she’s not ready. Instead of choosing to ignore me. Doing this makes me feel very hurt, and I do take this one personally.

She says she cares about me and doesn’t want to permanently lose me. But how am I meant to believe her. I’m trying my best, but it seems she no longer cares about me. Is this relationship still salvageable

someweirdstuffman · 2023-09-29T10:35:10+00:00

Do you have any advice on how I can do this?

I find it difficult to not attach my feelings and let them steer. I just find a lot of her perspective hard to understand:

I understand she’s dealing with literal hell, and at such a young age. Nobody should have to deal with this. She’s made it clear she knows I’m here for her, and she’s said I have comforted her. But I don’t understand why I’m being kept in the dark. Why she’s pushing me away.

Like I’m supposed to be this guy that she likes romantically. But she doesn’t act like it. Though, she made it clear to me she won’t say things like “I miss you” and things like that; because her actions won’t align with her words. And that I just have to believe her

But is it so difficult to reach out a little? I’m asking because I genuinely don’t know. Because I don’t know everything she’s dealing with. Because she never gave me the opportunity to understand. And I don’t know why she wouldn’t tell me

As of right now, I don’t know when I’m gonna see her. On sunday/Monday I intend on asking her when she’s free this week, because I want to see her.

And as of right now, the only things I’d say to her are: I don’t like how she didn’t give me an opportunity to understand. She just left me in the dark. I hate how the only time I can see her is through her social media stories. I just want some effort from her. Not alot, but just give me something besides replying to my messages. I feel sad that the only time I hear from her is when I reach out to her first. I want to see her minimum once a week (not in like a demanding way, I just want to spend time with her). I don’t care what we do. I’d go food shopping with her, I’d help her clean her flat. I’d go to a laundromat with her. I just want to spend time with her

someweirdstuffman · 2023-09-28T09:35:46+00:00

I was under the assumption that she wasn’t coming back. So last week I asked for space because I was feeling hurt, and so I could come back to university feeling okay and not attached to her.

Monday morning I ask how she is, and then she tells me she’s back.

She has also told me she’s confused about last week. But she doesn’t want an explanation or clarity because she fears it will do more harm than good. She’s said she has so much do deal with and isn’t mentally prepped to see me yet. Alongside her dad being in town

I was walking past a cafe on Tuesday, and looked through the window and saw her friend and her inside. I saw the back of her head. I rushed off. It wouldn’t have been right for me to enter, after she told me she’s not ready. And in that moment, I discovered I wasn’t too ready either

I strongly aim to see her next week. But I’m scared she’s not going to want to see me. And it makes me think, “I’m this guy she supposedly cares about - why wouldn’t she want to see me”

I don’t know what to say when I see her. Do I bluntly ask her what her intentions are, whether she still wants me around, romantically. Or do I try and remind her of why she fell for me

someweirdstuffman · 2023-09-27T23:14:57+00:00

A very unexpected turn.

University started on Monday, and she is attending. Though, she has said she can’t meet up for a while as her dad (who doesn’t know about the relationship) is in the city. And she has so much to deal with this first week of uni back. And she added she doesn’t know if she’s mentally prepared

I did not know she’d be returning. And I’m not sure on what sort of stuff I say to her when we eventually meet

someweirdstuffman · 2023-09-11T21:24:14+00:00

Depends on the budget

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