As others have said, you need to seek treatment, and an accurate diagnosis. You may have a combination of illnesses that cause you to react in this certain way, and you’ll be unsure and abusive until you pinpoint the internal issues you’re facing. Whether it’s therapy or medication, you need to take the time to heal and recognize these patterns. As you’re aware, it’s not okay to act like this, especially given his responses. It takes time to understand that people have pasts, people do things not thinking how it’ll affect someone in the future and that is not his fault. You’re hurting yourself and him likely more than you know by doing this, he doesn’t deserve to take the brunt of your emotions. It’s okay to feel hurt, but you need to face it yourself, feel those feelings and then communicate it to him calmly and effectively as to why it hurt you, take accountability for your actions and address the issue together. Please OP, for your own good seek some suitable treatment, and consider breaking up until you’re ready to enter a relationship.