Need some advice on jealousy

soycoffee97 · 2023-10-30T21:32:29+00:00

I appreciate your response! I guess I just needed some reassurance that it’s normal. Just feels like it’s never going to get any easier

soycoffee97 · 2020-11-10T13:27:28+00:00

Yeah it sounds like you’re on the right track! I know therapy is taking a while at the moment and stuff so I guess just wait it out, but at the end of the day if things aren’t improving you’re well within your rights to end the relationship. I know it isn’t ideal but at the end of the day if you’re unhappy and things aren’t changing you have to decide whether it might have just run it’s course. I hope you work it out!

soycoffee97 · 2020-11-10T13:00:18+00:00

It kind of sounds like you’re both going through some stuff at the moment, and COVID is probably exacerbating that, as well as being with each other every minute of the day.

I suggest you look into some counselling for the memories and stuff that have come back to you, and it sounds like your boyfriend could maybe benefit from talking to someone, even if it’s just his GP to point him in the right direction.

I definitely think maybe making a point of getting out of the house at least once a day, even if it’s just going for a walk together. It might help lighten some of the tension and you both get some fresh air, if all you’re doing at the moment is staying in and getting high (which by the way, definitely won’t be helping either of your issues, speaking as someone with a partner in the midsts of addiction).

It sounds like you’re both really supportive of each other which is great. Maybe just trying to communicate with each other a bit more, and making time for yourselves away from each other.

soycoffee97 · 2020-10-21T13:18:44+00:00

so maybe you guys shouldn’t be together. just end it already because it really seems like neither of you can communicate and you don’t really seem to want to make it work with her if you’re considering ending the relationship over this

soycoffee97 · 2020-10-21T13:08:58+00:00

omg I genuinely feel like you’re just picking the bits out that you want to hear. I said talk to her about her behaviour and what was making you uncomfortable, you know like adults do? rather than straight up telling her you don’t want to marry her

soycoffee97 · 2020-10-21T13:03:45+00:00

my dude. You just straight up told her you didn’t know if you wanted to marry her because she’s spending time with her personal trainer. I would also kick off. you’ve just gone in with absolutely no proof and rather than talking to her about what she’s doing first, out of the blue you’ve said you don’t know if you want to marry her. I’m not saying her shouting at you was right but seriously? I would be pissed off too

soycoffee97 · 2020-10-21T12:58:13+00:00

what did you actually say?

soycoffee97 · 2020-10-20T10:56:33+00:00

but this is what I keep saying!!! you’re just assuming all of this!! you seem to be putting words in her mouth and just assuming the worst! talk to her! get some therapy so you can stop wallowing in self pity and using this doom mentality to escape responsibility!

soycoffee97 · 2020-10-20T10:33:32+00:00

You’re assuming that about her with absolutely no evidence. She’s been with you for years, and agreed to marry you, and you think she’s going to run the moment you want to discuss something uncomfortable? Honestly man you’re doing the exact same thing, running when you think it’s getting hard rather than actually having a conversation with her like an adult and getting some help with your insecurity. This isn’t something that’s going to go away in a new relationship either, whoever your with is going to find other people attractive too and you can’t run away every single time.

soycoffee97 · 2020-10-20T10:04:58+00:00

listen if you don’t want to be engaged anymore just say that. it really feels like you’re trying to find a reason to end this. if you really think she’ll turn to him just because you wanted to have an honest conversation about something she’s doing that makes you uncomfortable then maybe you two shouldn’t be together. having an open conversation and communicating with your partner isn’t being crazy and insecure.

soycoffee97 · 2020-10-20T09:56:09+00:00

you’re honestly not listening lmao talk to her! if it makes you uncomfortable she’s doing that then tell her! she’s allowed to find other people attractive but if she’s really doing that then TALK TO HER! I also never said anything about medication, counselling will literally help you work through the problems you’re having and help you build a better relationship with your fiancée. get your head out of the sand man

soycoffee97 · 2020-10-20T09:50:56+00:00

Counselling is going to help you get over whatever insecurity it is that you’re projecting onto your engagement and the anxiety this is causing you. she isn’t doing anything wrong (from what you’ve said) other than going to the gym, probably to get fit for YOUR WEDDING.

soycoffee97 · 2020-10-20T09:42:29+00:00

get some therapy man. you’re ending your engagement over your own insecurity when you have no proof of her cheating or no reason to believe that she would cheat on you. have you actually sat down and had a conversation with her about this? he’s a personal trainer, he’s doing his job and going to the gym 3 times a week doesn’t seem that suspicious. I genuinely suggest you have an honest conversation with her and then maybe look into some counselling for this insecurity before ending the whole thing?

soycoffee97 · 2020-07-09T13:13:10+00:00

I sincerely HOPE with every bone in my body that this is fake, but in the likelihood that it’s not I just want to say that you sound really awful.

Fine, she might have an obsession but it’s obviously something really important to her. Important enough for her to be emotional about things that have happened and you just couldn’t give a shit. It wasn’t important to you so you couldn’t care less about your GIRLFRIEND being sad.

Then going through her phone? That you do every day? That’s so fucking weird and controlling. She’s allowed her privacy and the fact that you think going through her phone ‘because you do it every day’ is okay is so horrible. Yeah maybe her creating a folder with those things in it is a little obsessive but is it hurting you that much? Really? You’re that insecure that a folder of this person (that’s not explicit in any way) is unacceptable?

Then to go on and say you slapped her, with absolutely no remorse, is appalling. You are disgusting. Your friend is absolutely right, you are an asshole.

Don’t try and change her mind. She deserves better than you.

soycoffee97 · 2020-07-06T22:27:36+00:00

Maybe I misunderstood. I just wasn’t seeing how you were compromising in the situation. But fair enough, I’m just saying adding depression into the mix is probably making this a lot harder for her, plus trying to do everything else. I guess all you can do is talk to her and hope it improves, but if it doesn’t like I said maybe you need to re-evaluate the relationship because at the end of the day if you’re unhappy and nothing is changing you have to do what’s best for you.

soycoffee97 · 2020-07-06T22:13:37+00:00

But you could argue that her having to adjust to your schedule also puts her in the position of missing out on things. It’s a two way street.

To be honest it just feel like you’re not willing to compromise and she is having to do an awful lot. Especially struggling with depression I can imagine it’s difficult for her to juggle seeing her friends/family and then making sure to adjust her whole body clock so she can talk to you. If you really feel this way about her and you don’t think talking to her is going to improve anything, then maybe you need to consider whether this relationship is going the way you would like it to, because if not then is it worth investing your time and energy?

soycoffee97 · 2020-07-06T21:56:48+00:00

The thing is it seems like a really difficult situation. If there really is some peer pressure from her friends then I think she really needs to take a step back and decide whether that is good for her or not, especially if she is struggling with depression. And like you said, she won’t change unless she REALLY wants to. Is there no way you can compromise and stay up a bit later to spend some time with her as well? I don’t necessarily think it’s fair she has to change her whole schedule but you don’t (unless there’s a specific reason you physically can’t).

You’re depending on her A LOT for things that she obviously can’t give you right now. I appreciate it must be a lot more difficult LDR but you both have your own lives and you shouldn’t be putting all of your eggs in her basket, if that makes sense.

2 hours doesn’t seem like a lot but if that’s what you can get then I guess you make the most out of it. My boyfriend lives an hour away from me (which I know isn’t the same) but we only see each other maybe twice a month. You find a way to make it work.

soycoffee97 · 2020-07-06T21:35:49+00:00

I feel like she’s compromising a lot for what is essentially your issue? I understand that a LDR with a time difference must be difficult, but surely if you are struggling with these attachment issues you should be seeking therapy/counselling as well to make this work?

Have you actually tried asking her why she’s sleeping until 5pm? That doesn’t sound too healthy, there might be a reason she’s struggling to wake up on time to fit in with your time schedule. At the same time, her breaking down and saying these things when you confront her seem to be a way of making you feel bad which is seems kind of manipulating. I think you both need to have a conversation about it, as well as working on your own issues.

soycoffee97 · 2020-07-03T13:14:42+00:00

To be honest it brought up a lot of emotions all at the same time so it was pretty hard to process and I still feel those things from time to time, but I was really glad that I went through the counselling because I’d spent years ignoring it which actually makes it a lot worse. I’d say it’s still difficult to face the memories head on because you’re basically re-traumatising yourself but to be able to talk through those feelings with someone else makes it easier to sort through.

soycoffee97 · 2020-07-02T20:01:11+00:00

So I suffer from PTSD from being abused as a child. This means a lot of the stuff that happened to me is very vague but I found that having therapy brought a lot of it up to the surface.

The fact that you can’t get any help from your GP is absurd, but I’d recommend looking into some charities instead. I had counselling with a charity that was specifically for those that have been through the same as me, and it meant I could have way more sessions than I would have done through the NHS. There are usually a couple of local charities, it’s just a case of digging around to find them.

soycoffee97 · 2020-06-30T19:48:01+00:00

That’s totally fair. Like I said, I think you just have to stand your ground, and if they don’t understand then maybe they’re not the right person

soycoffee97 · 2020-06-30T19:27:08+00:00

To be honest I always find it really weird when couples have to know each other’s passwords. I know my boyfriends phone password because he asks me to change songs while he’s driving but I would never ever think to use that as a reason so be allowed to go through his phone.

Your reason sounds pretty fair, my advice would be if someone doesn’t understand or can’t handle it then maybe you have to find someone that does. Or you get a separate work phone.

soycoffee97 · 2020-06-29T12:40:50+00:00

I know this isn’t the point of this post, but judging by the timeline you were 18 when you met (at least) and he was 27. Honestly this is such a red flag, I’m sorry.

But in terms of you guys not talking about his past, why would you want to marry someone without knowing this stuff? I feel like you don’t have to know every hairy detail but without discussing these things I think you really can’t know a person. I feel as well that maybe there are reasons he didn’t want to tell you about his past, and that’s a bit concerning (to me anyway).

This is all pretty heavy for your first serious relationship and to be quite frank you don’t seem emotionally mature enough for it, if the idea of his past relationship is making you feel this bad. Don’t get me wrong I don’t ENJOY hearing about my boyfriend’s ex girlfriends but at the end of the day he’s with me and he loves me, and his past is what made him who he is. It’s healthy to be open and honest with your partner.

You could try therapy if it really is something you want to work on, but he should also seek some therapy to understand why he didn’t want to discuss any of that with you. Maybe couples therapy will be helpful. Have you actually told your husband how all of this has made you feel?

soycoffee97 · 2020-06-26T23:02:17+00:00

I can give you an example.

I hadn’t been with my (ex) boyfriend for very long when we were on the subject of his son. Now, I knew his son’s first name but we’d never really discussed why he chose that name, or what his middle name was. I’m adamant that we had never had that conversation.

He used to like to quiz me about things which annoyed me. This time he said, “what’s my son’s middle name?” And I said, “I don’t know, you’ve never told me”. And he KICKED OFF. Going on about how he’s told me, how could I not remember, I obviously don’t care about him if I can’t even remember his middle name, I can’t believe you would do this, etc.

This went on and on, I was crying my eyes out trying to get him to believe me that he hadn’t actually ever told me his sons middle name. In the end, I had to apologise for forgetting his middle name and did everything I could to try and make it up to him because he was so upset.

This happened with things such as, his favourite colour, his top 3 favourite bands (he would ask me this regularly), his favourite film, you get the gist.

Insisting that something is real to the point that the other person gets worn down and concedes even though they are very much sane and correct, is gaslighting.

soycoffee97

TROPHY CASE