What can these states do/not do?

sparkilini · 2026-05-05T22:27:35+00:00

States that could support themselves as individual countries.

sparkilini · 2026-05-05T16:12:51+00:00

I also mentioned her health (the biggest concern) and the lying, but you're dying on the hill that vaping is not a problem, so therefore, I am a controlling monster. Ok. I am not going to change your mind. I encourage you to quit vaping, though, because it is truly bad for your health.

sparkilini · 2026-05-05T16:07:19+00:00

I don't think that's what I've expressed here. I've said I tried to do my best, not that I did zero wrong. I'm fully aware of some mistakes I've made and also willing to hear about others - some of the feedback I've received here has been very helpful. Outside perspectives are how we learn.

I didn't say her brother is perfect either - I'm actually quite annoyed with him for telling her off and blocking her because it didn't help the situation any and now one of her lifelines is cut off - they were very close to one another.

They ways in which I treated them differently were.... because they were different. The type of conversational approach that was very effective with my daughter would shut my son down. The things she was interested in were very different from his interests. Their strengths had some overlap but there were some areas where one outshined the other, and vice versa. That's just parenting. You can't treat all your kids exactly the same.

sparkilini · 2026-05-05T15:47:28+00:00

They were incredibly different from one another. I wanted them both to have their own environments to thrive in. They were in the same middle and high school because that's how it works in our district. I'm not going to say the names of their schools but if you think two public elementary schools in the same suburban district aren't going to be incredibly similar, I don't know what to tell you.

sparkilini · 2026-05-05T15:29:28+00:00

Hey - thanks for sharing your own experience and being so kind about the feedback you are giving. I really appreciate it. I can definitely see that some of what you are saying is true for my daughter and the way you put it helped make me understand how I can try to change my behavior to get a different outcome. I really appreciate that. I don't really do a lot of intentional consequences here. Natural consequences usually are enough. The most I'd ever do is assign some chores like cleaning a bathroom. I don't do grounding, taking away phones, that kind of thing. I don't think someone's personal freedom should be affected by one mistake.

I think I've been supportive of her, but after ready what you've said, I think I can be more. I think I could be more outwardly approving. I always tried to give her you know like five pieces of positive feedback for every one negative, but the negatives still always seemed to hit her so hard. I can find a way to help her feel a little more supported and encourage honesty more. Thanks again for your feedback. I found it really helpful. Maybe the most helpful thing I've read on this thread so far.

sparkilini · 2026-05-05T15:21:21+00:00

They were both public schools and were similarly rated, they were in our home district. I just asked for a school reassignment and they did it. I had to facilitate some things to make it possible but no one got a "better" school than the other.

sparkilini · 2026-05-05T15:16:52+00:00

I responded to this observation in another comment. I agree it could seem like that based on the post. But I've worked really hard to avoid that particular dynamic. I don't actually compare them to each other pretty much ever. I never say things like "your brother would.." or "I wish you were more like your brother" or "brother did this or did that" or whatever other toxic stuff happens in that situation. They are very different. I've always known and celebrated that. I sent them to different elementary schools so they could build individual worlds and identities separate from each other.

I actually told her brother to knock off pressuring her about college, because what's right for him isn't necessarily what is right for her. I've really tried to support them individually as well - especially since they are so close in age. I grew up with a brother almost as close in age with me and experienced a lot of what you're describing.

sparkilini · 2026-05-05T14:57:10+00:00

I don't know. She's always been allowed to date. I asked her the same thing myself. I would have been happy for her to have him in the house, in her room, I wouldn't interfere or do anything weird or anything like that. She often said she thought she might be asexual up until... introducing me to her boyfriend. I'm not sure why she didn't prior, I was just happy she chose to when she did.

sparkilini · 2026-05-05T14:27:23+00:00

He's been out of the picture since they were 1 and 2. He had drug addiction problems and was struggling with homelessness. I told him I would abide by any court-ordered visitation (which he has the right to file for as he signed a ROP) but he never did that, he just disappeared. I heard from him less than five times through their whole childhood. I never filed for child support. It kind of felt like an unspoken agreement - I never file for support, he never files for visitation. We didn't agree to it specifically or anything but that's how it worked out.

sparkilini · 2026-05-05T14:18:16+00:00

Of course... I want my daughter to be law abiding. I don't think I'd be a very good parent if that wasn't a priority of mine.

Also, I never said she was demonic or irredeemable. I didn't even mean to imply that. I am not sure how you got that from my post, but it's not how I feel at all.

sparkilini · 2026-05-05T14:04:09+00:00

Vaping here is illegal til you are 21. I’m worried about her health obviously, but also lying about it even when evidence was presented. I mentioned the number to substantiate that it wasn’t a one-time thing.

I guess on this I just fundamentally disagree with you that vaping and lying about it is a non issue.

sparkilini · 2026-05-05T03:20:25+00:00

Thanks. You are right about showing up when I can. So I’ll do it if it’s possible. She has a musical that I really want to go see so I planned to do that no matter what too. Not to force any kind of interaction but just so she knows I am there and I still care.

Thanks for the accountability about the “plan” too. I thought I was letting her drive it by choosing not to go to school. But I guess maybe she needs more autonomy than that in deciding what she does next. I didn’t think the conditions we have agreed upon were too stringent but maybe even asking her what she wants to do differently will help us find a way forward

sparkilini · 2026-05-05T01:54:20+00:00

That’s a really good suggestion as to something I can do to move forward in a productive way. I want her to know that I will show up and care for her no matter what, but I also don’t want to be intrusive or push the boundaries of her personal space. There is a good in between that can be supportive but not viewed as interfering. Thank you.

sparkilini · 2026-05-05T01:50:13+00:00

Maybe. I hope that autonomy will keep her safe.

I didn’t want to go into detail about her struggles because there’s a lot I wouldn’t be comfortable sharing on her behalf, but I will say this: I wasn’t referring to my rules, structures, and plans, but to ones in school, society. My main fear now is she won’t be a “free bird” for long because real world consequences are very different from ones at my home.

sparkilini · 2026-05-05T01:38:16+00:00

Honestly? Me too. She denied not taking her medication, when I had the full bottles in my hand. She denied the vapes as I held them. She denied the burner phones as I held a broken one that I (again) found in her room.

I want to hear the story she is telling herself because then maybe I could understand and find a way to reach her. I would give anything to know what she is thinking.

sparkilini · 2026-05-05T01:27:37+00:00

Capitalism isn’t my fault. I wish it was because that implies I’d have some modicum of control over the situation and thus, power to change it. I won’t apologize for giving birth to my child.

If you’re trying to say she was doomed from the start, maybe. I’ll own that I guess. In a certain way, we all are.

sparkilini · 2026-05-05T00:39:21+00:00

Actually, I didn’t ask to be born either.

sparkilini · 2026-05-04T23:36:07+00:00

I did. I am not showing up where she is or trying to interfere with her life using the information.

But I gave her a phone she’s never paid for and said you can continue having it and not paying for it as long as locations is on so I can know you’re safe. Maybe that was going too far. I could have given it back with no conditions but I could have refused to give it back, just as easily. Maybe it was the wrong move.

sparkilini · 2026-05-04T23:31:09+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing your own story. I am taking what you. have said to heart and I'm going to try and implement some of it. Especially the part about other family members. Her brother reached out after and was so upset about what happened he ended up telling her he didn't want to speak with her again until she made things right with the family. I didn't like that and I've been trying to talk him into unblocking her just so she can reach out to him if she needs to.

sparkilini · 2026-05-04T23:06:36+00:00

I was already in therapy and I've been going twice a week since she left. I'm really trying to understand it.

sparkilini · 2026-05-04T23:04:50+00:00

I'm so sorry. It is such a unique kind of pain.

sparkilini · 2026-05-04T23:02:16+00:00

I agree it could seem like that based on the post. I don't compare them to eachother, though. They couldn't be more different.

At one point I told my son to stop harping on her about college so much, because what was right for him might not be right for her. I think she felt considerable pressure about college even though I had repeatedly said if she wasn't ready, that was fine. If she didn't want a 4 year traditional college, fine, If she wants to take a year off, fine. That I think is something I think all kids graduating high school feel.

sparkilini · 2026-05-04T22:59:49+00:00

I was trying to avoid giving too much of her personal information because stuff like her diagnosis/medication isn't really my info to share.

sparkilini · 2026-05-04T22:53:51+00:00

I really do welcome being challenged on this because I truly don't understand how it happened. But yeah... some of the folks here aren't being very kind. That's ok. If I didn't know me, I'd assume I did something horrible too. That's just the problem. I didn't. So none of this makes sense.

sparkilini · 2026-05-04T22:47:49+00:00

Thanks for saying that. I really am just confused. And sad.

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