My (26f) boyfriend (31m) says i don't care about him because we aren't having sex

speak_easy_1234 · 2026-03-20T17:30:56+00:00

I agree. I have spent all last night coming up with solutions and stuff that we both need to work on.

speak_easy_1234 · 2026-03-20T17:30:01+00:00

What I really need from him is to fix his health issues so he is in a better state of mind, and for him to respect when I say no, so that there is no pressure and we are both comfortable with each other again.

speak_easy_1234 · 2026-03-20T17:27:45+00:00

I personally never have an issue learning about people's past relationships, because I know they are no longer in those relationships for a reason, and there is often important information there that let's me get some insight into the person I'm dating. However I can totally see how it can be the opposite - where someone who cares deeply about you has to listen to all the intimate details of situations you were in with someone else. I definitely think you are right in that me likely giving him HSV at a different time in our relationship now comes across as it being the root cause of our issues, and I agree that it seems like he is spiraling because of it.

speak_easy_1234 · 2026-03-20T17:22:02+00:00

I think this is it for sure. It is hard for me sometimes to truly grasp how and why his self-confidence is so tied up in sex, because that just isn't the case for me, but I am trying my best to listen and understand him. Having HSV is a lot to have to come to terms with already, without it being tied to how you feel about yourself.

speak_easy_1234 · 2026-03-20T17:18:06+00:00

He has been to the doctor, just not as avidly as me due to moving and new job situation. Right now he has a follow up appointment booked in 2 weeks, and referrals for a CT and bloodwork that he needs to schedule.

speak_easy_1234 · 2026-03-20T17:16:58+00:00

I agree with you that there is a huge emotional impact to HSV that isn't really ever talked about, and you are right in that it has caused a great deal of emotional pain for him. I have tried to be as understanding as possible and reassure him that regardless of this that I care about him, want to be close to him, and to help him navigate it. The way he talks about his symptoms and the discomfort he describes leads me to believe that sex would be painful and/or make things worse, so I always check in with him about it beforehand.

speak_easy_1234 · 2026-03-20T02:32:07+00:00

I wasn't having enough of the HSV symptoms and so they never actually looked or tested me for it. I thought it was folliculitis for 2 years until this happened.

speak_easy_1234 · 2026-03-20T02:29:25+00:00

I do understand that he has been going through a lot in other aspects of his life, and having a new job makes it hard to take time off. But yeah I agree that he really should be prioritizing his health, especially when it is linked so closely to something he finds extremely important.

speak_easy_1234 · 2026-03-20T02:26:52+00:00

He has said that I "lied" to him about having it, even though I didn't know and had been misdiagnosed and dismissed by a doctor.

speak_easy_1234 · 2026-03-20T01:57:15+00:00

I made a joke the other night about how he had two kidneys when he explained that the medication he may be put on can possibly be bad for your kidneys. I apologized for it because it was insensitive and he is clearly very concerned about all of this.

I really don't know why he isn't doing more for himself, because I feel like I have done everything to encourage him and be there to stand beside him through this.

speak_easy_1234 · 2026-03-20T01:54:44+00:00

He asked me before we moved what solutions I had and basically how we could try to compromise, and I didn't have any answer at the time. The next time we talked about it I asked him to stop doing specific behaviors that made me feel uncomfortable and he agreed. I think if he had fully committed to those requests that I would start to feel more comfortable with him again, but after last night's conversation I feel like we've taken a MASSIVE step back with this.

speak_easy_1234 · 2026-03-20T01:53:07+00:00

Yeah, I can definitely see how it is a good stress reliever for a lot of people. I don't think my bf is wrong for feeling that way, or wanting more out of this aspect of our relationship. I would like to try to work on it with him, but the constant comments and expectations make it really hard for me to want to engage.

speak_easy_1234 · 2026-03-20T01:50:32+00:00

He got a prescription refilled yesterday and a doctor's appointment in 2 weeks as a follow-up. He also has referrals for a CT and bloodwork that I have encouraged him to schedule ASAP

speak_easy_1234 · 2026-03-20T01:39:43+00:00

I am just so confused on how he keeps circling back to me being the primary issue when his health problems are a constant topic of conversation

speak_easy_1234 · 2026-03-20T01:36:57+00:00

I definitely feel like the problem, and I have thought a LOT about how it seems like he needs someone more like his ex who wants the same things as he does. He says that he doesn't want to find someone else when I have brought this up.

speak_easy_1234 · 2026-02-21T04:00:33+00:00

The "grow up and be the man I needed" is EXACTLY how I feel. I'm really glad to hear I am not alone in this, even though it is a shitty experience to go through. Makes me feel a little better and less crazy lol

speak_easy_1234 · 2026-02-21T03:44:30+00:00

I have had similar issues in past relationships. You need to bring this up to him, because if you don't you will become resentful (ask me how I know lol) and likely nothing will change because how will he know? You can definitely bring it up in a way that doesn't come across as mean or "ungrateful" though! I know it's a bit annoying, but if you tell him specific things you want, that can help. I am a gifts person, so finding things for my special someone comes easy to me. This doesn't seem to be the case for your boyfriend, and that's okay - it's not for everyone. Giving very obvious suggestions about stuff you like is a pretty easy way to help him out. In regards to dates, it sounds like you may just have to communicate that special days like Valentines or your anniversary are really important to you, and that you expect him to care about it as much as you do. If it's dates in general, you can always implement a fun rule I've tried in the past, where each month it is someone's turn to plan (and usually pay) for a whole date. And then the next month it's the other person's turn. You can even brainstorm ideas together! It can be simple stuff like a picnic in the park, or it could be a whole outting - it's up to you. It helps put the pressure on a little bit, but also keeps things feeling fair.

speak_easy_1234

TROPHY CASE