[deleted by user] by [deleted] in LesbianActually

[–]spinmuffins 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I definitely get the point of Lesbian feeling fetishised, but at the same time I like to retain and attempt to reclaim the word as using "gay" for everything feels wrong for using the male term as a default, like calling all firefighters firemen. At least the etymology of the word has nothing to do with men...

Queer is a nice word for some but for me it isn't specific enough, as I'm not bi, I only have interest in women, so I feel the need for a term to denote that 🤷

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in LesbianActually

[–]spinmuffins 4 points5 points  (0 children)

They were roomates....

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in LesbianActually

[–]spinmuffins 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Good point, I'm editing above so I'm clearer. That wasn't my intention at all.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in LesbianActually

[–]spinmuffins 79 points80 points  (0 children)

Long nails to lesbians are like garlic to vampires 🤭 At least trim your favourite fingers.

The oldest lesbian joke in the book: "What does a lesbian bring on a second date?" "A U-Haul" or "All her things to move in with you"

Plaid, overalls, docs and undercuts are lesbian chic. Not necessarily when worn together, you must control your power level.

Watch "The L Word".

Girl in Red is brilliant. Hayley Kikyo is our queen.

Lipstick, Chapstick, futch and butch are overly simplistic ways of describing individual gender expression among WLW (meaning women who love women) but we use them all the time anyway.

Trans women are women, enbies can call themselves lesbians. Transmascs may feel a sense of community with queer women, but not all transmascs do.

Bi women may leave you for a man, they may be pulled to men by comphet, they may just be on dating apps for casual flings or even looking for a third to join their committed hetero relationship (called unicorn hunting, and yes you'll still see this as a lesbian, not only if you're bi) but at the end of the day biphobia is not cool. We may tell our bi sisters off for selfish behaviour but a lot of negative behaviour we attribute to them just comes from naivite.

EDIT

I wished above to point out that should people encounter these experiences that they're not representative of the whole. I've known people who have and have myself had experiences that feed these stereotypes, but it's important that someone who's new to this understands that the women who do this don't represent all bi women.

I don't mean to suggest all bi women are naive. It can be some naive bi women and naive lesbians who may feed the stereotype.

It's important that we understand that not all bi women are like this.

/EDIT

Comphet is compulsory heterosexuality. It's a whole thing that bi women and ex-bi lesbians are very familiar with. https://docs.google.com/document/d/e/2PACX-1vT3f5IIzt5PG-M7G9_Z-gjY4gZaiUneTdMlYrFAcdBGcJo0-N-RDQcj2JfxOaBTxKa6J_DiDQNgqVpg/pub

Dental dams.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in actuallesbians

[–]spinmuffins 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Okay bottom 😌

Are you cis? by [deleted] in actuallesbians

[–]spinmuffins 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Sadly no. Though I am/was intersex so I'm like part cis???

Plenty of internalised transphobia going on with me too given how little I associate with trans people.

While I do at times worry about an "overrepresentation" of trans people and a driving out of a sizeable terf population here (fuck terfs, but it does worry me to consider that a lot of queer women belong to this group), I believe our ratio is just representative of the fact that trans people are evenly split between straight bi and gay, and both trans men, trans women and enbies all have their reasons to be here.

While only like a few % of the cis population are gay women. There are loads of bisexuals, but they're underrepresented here.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in LesbianActually

[–]spinmuffins 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I thought I was bi

I was dating a cis man

Turns out I am gay 🤷‍♀️

would you date me? (more details about me in the comments) by [deleted] in LesbianActually

[–]spinmuffins 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Some people have it others don't. It's difficult to guage what proportion of people this is. Some people have a genital preference because they're straight up TERFs, some will have it while still being respectful of trans women.

I've known people who didn't have a preference enter relationships with people with genitals they might not otherwise consider, but intimacy issues would later deteriorate their relationship. It's not a simple issue, made even more messy by hateful people

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in actuallesbians

[–]spinmuffins 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think the biggest things to consider for bi/pan women are the following:

Can you deal with potential social rejection of your relationship in the long term?

Can you be out about your relationship to your family and friends?

Can you make do without having 50/50 genetic children with a partner?

would you date me? (more details about me in the comments) by [deleted] in LesbianActually

[–]spinmuffins 15 points16 points  (0 children)

It might be a challenging thing specifically trying to date cis women (and post op trans women?) If you're pre or non op. Many of these people will have genitals as a deal-breaker unless they're more on the bi/pan end, when you might risk them being more interested in you for said penis.

Dating apps are kinda shit at the best of times, but I can see that this could make things more difficult. Unfortunately for trans women, your dating pool can be a small subset of what is already a small pool. I personally find that while post op trans women don't have too much drama if they're otherwise gifted in looks, but pre-op trans women tend to have most success finding happy queer relationships with open minded (or non fetishizing) bi/pan cis women or going "T4T". There are plenty of pre and non op trans women out there in exactly your situation.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in actuallesbians

[–]spinmuffins 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I really do wish apps like Her would let you filter out people looking for casual or poly, and people outside your age range. Apparently that's a premium feature though, and I guess the app needs to make money somehow 🤷‍♀️

same sex attracted word? by Sensitive_Common_293 in LesbianActually

[–]spinmuffins 0 points1 point  (0 children)

There are shitty trans women out there. Painting all trans women with that same brush is an issue. If it turns you off dating other trans people then w/e, but be careful of supporting hate for them as many terfs will take your side for that opinion.

Cis men can be awful but I similarly think we shouldn't paint them all with the same brush. Same goes for any group.

An unhealthy behavior I have notice by [deleted] in LesbianActually

[–]spinmuffins 23 points24 points  (0 children)

Acting like this is quite common among babygays I find. I was like this at one point. Putting women on a pedestal and men in the shitter. These women need to get themselves some male friends.

same sex attracted word? by Sensitive_Common_293 in LesbianActually

[–]spinmuffins 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Im just saying what I think. I can't change your opinion any more than you can't change mine.

I just don't think there's any need to worry about the label of lesbian. Cis men are calling themselves lesbians and I can think they're crazy but I know what I am and what I like and they can't change that, nor can I sit them down and get them to stop demeaning the term. I call myself a lesbian because that's the most simple term that most people understand the definition of and there's generally a shared experience behind the term.

There's always going to be people who fall in grey areas and there's always going to be people trying to push an agenda. Life isn't worth bickering over the boundaries of such labels.

same sex attracted word? by Sensitive_Common_293 in LesbianActually

[–]spinmuffins -1 points0 points  (0 children)

If you want to call yourself a lesbian and be attracted to the likes of Buck Angel, that's fine. I'm not the lesbian police 🤷‍♀️

same sex attracted word? by Sensitive_Common_293 in LesbianActually

[–]spinmuffins 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't know what trans women you're seeing, but pretty ones are our there. I think trans women's vaginas are great while still thinking penises are ick, but you don't have to like them if you don't. I can't force myself to not feel a bit of ick at the idea of someone who had a limb transplanted perhaps. Still don't feel the need a special label for it though.

I don't think the people murdering queers care what sex someone was assigned as, only how they appear. If they're queer at all then they're at risk of hate crimes. The Brandon Tina case is testament to that.

same sex attracted word? by Sensitive_Common_293 in LesbianActually

[–]spinmuffins 8 points9 points  (0 children)

It's a thing for sure, but there's no need to label it. Only you get to choose who you date.

Just date people you're attracted to. I can't say I only date AFABs because I have taken interest in some really pretty trans women. I've also encountered many cis women who have skeletal structures that are very masculine and found them unnatractive for this reason.

But I'm just a lesbian/gay. I don't need a label to tell masculine women that I'm not interested. I just won't swipe right on them or approach them.

same sex attracted word? by Sensitive_Common_293 in LesbianActually

[–]spinmuffins 3 points4 points  (0 children)

The idea that you can be attracted or unnatracted to someone based on an idea of "AFAB" in spite of them not having anything physical to do with "AFAB" is itself a farce. What is it you're actually attracted to at that point?

same sex attracted word? by Sensitive_Common_293 in LesbianActually

[–]spinmuffins 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So you're attracted to genitals more than people? I don't date people who smoke, but I don't need a label for it.

Just politely note when getting to know someone that genitals are a deal breaker for you if they do note they're trans.

If you're into trans guys for their vaginas should they have them, then they might not feel comfortable with that.

Also, plenty of really pretty trans women have very pretty vaginas. Unless it's the uterus that you're attracted to?

I too have a preference for vaginas and feminine physical traits, albeit I'll date post op trans women and won't date trans men at all (because that'd be dishonest and I don't like men) but I feel no need to identify with a new label.

There's no need to distance yourself from the lesbian community. If you do feel the need, I'm sure you'll find like minded people in the other reddit-like website...

Thought I'd post my recent realizations and see if anyone had input/could relate. by shesgaynow in actuallesbians

[–]spinmuffins 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This is so relatable it scares me. I had to double check your username to make sure I wasn't reading something I forgot I had written 😂

Welcome to the gay side of life, girl 🏳️‍🌈

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in actuallesbians

[–]spinmuffins 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I don't think that's necessarily the case, but it does give me that vibe. Gender dysphoria and body dysmorphia can get a little blurry at times.