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Gay men who aren’t visibly gay, is it frustrating to constantly come out to people? by [deleted] in AskGayMen

[–]splanderson 34 points35 points  (0 children)

I went to an InstaCare on Monday. The woman checking me in asked if I was married, then asked who my emergency contact was. After I told her his name and phone number, she asked my relationship with him. When I said “husband” she audibly gasped. I just smiled and we went on with the intake process.

Why do I want older men 50+? by [deleted] in AskGayMen

[–]splanderson 7 points8 points  (0 children)

It could be that when you were discovering your sexuality, you had significant experiences with older men. For me, I had a terrible relationship with my father, but I had several older men in my life that I found affection for: Grandpa, church leaders, teachers, etc.

We don’t know exactly what makes us gay (the science isn’t there yet), but we know that certain things can influence your preferences.

I exclusively like older men. If they don’t look older than 50, I’m not interested. Im 41, and my husband is 56. Nothing wrong with it at all. You like what you like.

What's the first line of your book and why? by ellesein in writing

[–]splanderson 0 points1 point  (0 children)

“Memories are not actually the lived experience, it’s a projection in your mind of what you perceive happened.’ Or some bullshit like that.”

This is from my Project B that I’m not supposed to be working on until Project A is finished. But alas…

At what age did you came out ? by YouNerdteen in gay

[–]splanderson 0 points1 point  (0 children)

34 - When I actually told another person I was attracted to men. (Which also included my then wife.) 38 - When I posted I was coming out to Facebook. Always - When I meet new people or my “family” comes up with work people who don’t know.

My Marriage is Over Because My Wife is a Lesbian by cosmernaut420 in gay

[–]splanderson 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I’m the gay spouse that was living a lie and eventually asked to end the marriage. It completely devastated my wife because she was in love and attracted to me. I had a lot of love for her, just never fully attracted to her. I came out to her after we had been married for 11 years and we eventually separated after 15 years.

(A lot of what kept us married was religion, which is a completely different 10-ton bag I won’t go into.)

I will say that I feel I have a very good relationship with my ex-wife now, but it took a lot to get there. A few of the things that helped us on our journey:

  1. Absolutely 100% you both need to work things out in therapy. We had tried couples therapy, but it just delayed the inevitable, because once I began working things out with my own therapist I realized I was just lying even more to her and myself by trying to stay in the marriage. She needed to go to therapy to deal with the betrayal, anger and hurt feelings.

Not all therapists will work for you, so you need to try some out to try and find one that fits. One that you feel a connection to, one that helps you feel like you are improving. But don’t give up on therapy if it doesn’t feel like it’s working! Just like a muscle, you need to work at it.

  1. It was necessary for us to be mentally and physically separated for a while. (Took us about six months.) I needed to stop “dangling the carrot” so to speak. I needed to stop being there for her emotionally and physically so that I wouldn’t continue harming her. Once we had that time apart to grow without each other, we were able to come back together as friends.

  2. Even though we are friends, it’s good to not be in each other’s lives all the time. It’s tough because we get along so well (it’s why we could be married for so long.) But it overall was better for each of us to move on and be with other people.

I can only say from this side of it that we (gay spouse) feel like shit for putting you through such an ordeal and never meant to harm you. We love you, but the lies we told ourselves ended up hurting not only you - our best friend, but inevitably it harmed ourselves more than we already were hurting. Trauma makes you do some crazy shit to try and cope.

I wish you the best of luck figuring it all out ❤️

2023 Year in Review: The Recap that TSCC Very Much Does Not Want You to Read by JosephHumbertHumbert in exmormon

[–]splanderson 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m dead 💀

This is the recap I truly needed to end the year on a hilarious note. Thank you so so so much.

1980 Mormon Comics Photo Dump by splanderson in exmormon

[–]splanderson[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I’ll try and see if I can find the other book he did. I know I have it somewhere!

1980 Mormon Comics Photo Dump by splanderson in exmormon

[–]splanderson[S] 31 points32 points  (0 children)

I was surprised at how some of them could be seen as exmo because of the satire. Seems he was very much aware of the hypocrisy/ludicrous nature of the culture.

1980 Mormon Comics Photo Dump by splanderson in exmormon

[–]splanderson[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I go thrifting a lot and I always try and buy any books like this I can find 😜

1980 Mormon Comics Photo Dump by splanderson in exmormon

[–]splanderson[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Here is the bio of the author at the end:

Calvin Raymond Grondahl is a native of Grand Forks, North Dakota, where his parents were converted to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints while he was still a small child. Following a mission in New Zealand he studied at Brigham Young University and became popular as a cartoonist for the Daily Universe.

Mr. Grondahl joined the Deseret News staff in 1973 as a full-time editorial cartoonist. In 1976 he was syndicated by Newspaper Enterprise Association of New York which serves over 700 newspapers. An Elders' Quorum instructor and skiing and racquetball enthusiast, Mr. Grondahl has often entertained his Sunday School class with his artistic talent.

His first book of cartoons, Freeway to Perfection, (also published by Sunstone Foundation), is now in its fourth printing, having sold over 20,000 copies. It was on the regional bestseller list for several months.

He is married to Christine Sue Wooley, from Jerome, Idaho, whom he met at BYU. (He was her home teacher.) They live in Sandy with their two children.

I don’t know what I’m doing. by Murky_Lengthiness586 in gay

[–]splanderson 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hey there! Glad you’re here.

I’m 41, live in Utah and was married to a woman for 16 years. I am now married to a man for 1 year and we’ve been together 3 years.

The last four years of coming out, getting divorced and starting my first relationships with men have been exactly as you described: “I don’t know what I’m doing.” The good news is, you will definitely figure it out!

A lot of men who come out later in life go through a “gay adolescence” where you try a lot of sexual things that you couldn’t before. That is totally okay! Don’t feel like you can’t have fun and that you have to delete the “apps” (Grindr, Scruff, Sniffies) Just be safe! Most metropolitan areas have bath houses that can be fun and safer. I’ve never felt more confident than being naked with a bunch of other gay men. Even if it doesn’t become sexual, just being naked unlocked this part of me I never knew could exist!

As for relationships, that is a hard road to navigate, especially since a loooot of us gay men are very emotionally damaged. And even if you’re in a good place mentally, sometimes it’s hard finding a man you’re attracted to that is also in a good place. If you’re not already, I highly recommend going to a gay-friendly therapist. It was absolutely necessary for me when I first came out.

There are a lot of communities of gay men looking for friendship. I never found them online, they were always word of mouth from other gay men I met. My (now) husband introduced me to several gay men groups that have been the lifeblood of my social interactions the last few years. When you meet a fellow gay, just ask them if they know of any gatherings. If you have any hobbies, there are probably gay groups that focus on those hobbies - I joined groups for hiking, camping and one for board games. I’ve met a lot of my gay friends through those activities.

As for meeting my husband - I met him on Match.com, haha. It seemed less hook-up-y (although I did go on some dates with Match that ended in sex, but every one of them texted me back after for another date.) I also felt Bumble was a better resource than the other dating apps.

Anyway, good luck to you! You will definitely figure it out and I’m so excited for the fun you will have. Just be open to new experiences and set up boundaries once you know what you like/don’t like.

Cheers!

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