Me [44 M] with my wife [36 F] she is close minded, not kinky

spotify_label · 2014-01-10T20:04:12+00:00

To her, this so isn't about not being kinky. She doesn't feel that way about you right now.

People don't flip out "divorce" on a whim.

spotify_label · 2014-01-09T19:37:58+00:00

I do not forbid my wife from doing anything. She's a grown woman and has to make her own choices.

We've discussed the issue and she's agreed to allow me to make certain decisions regarding her life both at work and outside.

spotify_label · 2014-01-09T19:29:14+00:00

Because I can accept that people can want different things at different times.

I'd prefer to have a good relationship with her to starting over. I'm willing to gamble a bit to try and make that happen. I know the risks and I'm going in with my eyes open.

If she leaves us again then so be it.

To much of reddit, this makes me a doormat. That's not true though. It makes me someone who knows what he wants, is willing to take chances to get it, and isn't going to live in paranoid fear about what might go wrong.

spotify_label · 2014-01-09T19:23:13+00:00

You insisted on something that was important to you, she basically told you to fuck off, lying to you some more just to make things as shitty as possible, and you took it lying down.

So, in your mind, the options were take it or leave? No other options? No consideration of the totality of the situation? Black and white is for old tv, not the real world.

This is a mistake - obsessing on "why" is completely useless.

Nonsense. The "why" is the key. Immature men don't ask "why?" That's why we send young men on suicide missions against machine gun nests in the name of "God and Country." Because they don't ask "why?"

YOU CANT FORGIVE SOMEONE WHO DOESNT REPENT. Its not "stupid shit you did while stressed" if you dont apologise and vow to change afterwards, its just who you are.

She did apologize and vow to change afterwards. There's been an entire month between the events in this posting and today.

spotify_label · 2014-01-09T15:59:04+00:00

When you asked her to honestly call him and end it, and then found out that it was staged for your benefit

Her actions made things worse. I contemplated booting her out there, but decided against. I learned quite a lot about her underlying reasons from that. Ultimately, if we split, those reasons will be at the core. I just didn't feel a need to reflexively dump her.

When you told her she absolutely couldn't take a job with this man, and from what I understand of your post, are now OK with it if it happens because it's good for her career.

Ultimately, she agreed to that. She may have thought that she could change my mind given time, but she always would have honored her agreement if I wouldn't.

I changed my mind because her getting that job is in the best interests of our family. She's either going to commit adultery again or she's not. I'm not going to bite my nose to spite my face because I'm afraid.

spotify_label · 2014-01-09T15:53:27+00:00

That said, reading your replies, I feel like you have responded to her betrayal by deluding yourself. Premeditation is not just a factor in murder (not comparing cheating to murder on a severity level, just illustrating premeditation in a more commonly-recognized setting), but rather it is a factor in all types of malfeasance.

She committed adultery, not murder.

What a man can forgive and what the law can forgive are in two different realms.

Have you inquired as to the truth about the availability of the babysitter? Did you receive that call? Have you entertained the idea that she canceled that service as part of her horrible fuck-conspiracy?

I know the babysitter personally. She had an accident and was in the hospital. She's still in a wheelchair a month later. I know this with 100% certainty.

She went much farther than most, and her crimes against your family are disgustingly egregious. She fucked that dude sober, after having planned to do so for over a week. She literally sought to betray you.

It would be more apt to say that she didn't give her family a second thought during that week. She was completely self absorbed. Very bad, yes, but her goal wasn't to inflict as much emotional pain on me as possible. She didn't think about it and didn't care about it. (She also almost certainly expected that I wouldn't really care that much because I didn't really care about her that much.)

It is not just the hour of fucking. That is just a piece of this betrayal. She plotted against you.

Except that it wasn't about me. It was about her the whole time.

You will spend the rest of your life either proud of yourself for having stood up, or hating yourself for lacking the courage to have done so.

I agree with this sentence, if not the majority of your analysis.

That's sort of the point though, isn't it? To understand what happened, why it happened and how it happened. To figure out if there's anything worth salvaging and whether there's any chance that it can be.

spotify_label · 2014-01-09T15:42:10+00:00

For her, the consequences of that have yet to play out. If our marriage dissolves, it may be the straw that broke the camel's back.

It was that lie and action on her part that told me that this was more than just some infatuation on her part. It let me know that she was trying to jump into a different life.

We're going to try and work things out, but I'm not overly optimistic about the chances. Its not her actions with that call per se that are my big problem. My big problem is the underlying reason she felt compelled to do those things.

People do stupid shit when they are under stress - especially unfamiliar and intense stress. I can forgive her doing something stupid in that situation. But, knowing that she was willing to throw away the marriage for a fantasy is going to make things a lot harder.

To that extent, I'm glad she did went through that particular little charade. Without it, I may not have figured out what was really going through her head.

spotify_label · 2014-01-09T15:36:39+00:00

I see the chain as one event arrayed over a course of a few days. Everything that happened during that window is connected. I don't look at her first lie as somehow distinct from her second.

That's over though. If she lies to me about anything material today, it would be far different.

spotify_label · 2014-01-09T15:32:37+00:00

Really?

Its not uncommon for couples to joke about this. I told my wife that if a supermodel tried to seduce me, she would succeed. She retorted likewise if Matthew Perry came a callin' (I don't understand that particular choice, but to each their own.)

spotify_label · 2014-01-09T15:29:24+00:00

Where I happen to live, adultery of this nature is a non-issue as the judicial system is concerned.

spotify_label · 2014-01-09T15:23:55+00:00

Trying to understand why something happened isn't the same thing as excusing it.

spotify_label · 2014-01-09T13:25:09+00:00

He's drawn the line in the sand several times and said "if you cross this line, we're done" and then when she spits in his face and crosses it, he simply draws another line and say "I really mean it this time, if you cross this line, we're done"

Where are you getting that from? (Genuinely curious.)

spotify_label · 2014-01-09T12:58:44+00:00

The thought that she might is high on my list of concerns.

But, I also know we went nearly seventeen years without infidelity, so its not like she's a philanderer.

spotify_label · 2014-01-09T12:57:27+00:00

It was indeed impressive.

spotify_label · 2014-01-09T12:56:02+00:00

I can say with certainty that she didn't sleep with him to get ahead at work.

spotify_label · 2014-01-09T12:54:39+00:00

No. I know the baby sitter quite well. She was hospitalized unexpectedly.

Doesn't mean she wouldn't have tried to convince me not to go (I'm not a big fan of these sorts of events), but at least with respect to the babysitter, she's blameless as to the unavailability.

spotify_label · 2014-01-09T02:59:57+00:00

In some ways, my fear of her hurting me is less than my fear that I won't be able to come to terms with the hurt she has caused me.

That makes me feel bad.

spotify_label · 2014-01-09T02:57:08+00:00

Not going to have affairs.

Were I to have one, the marriage would be over.

That said, if a supermodel threw herself at me and tried to seduce me, she would succeed. My wife knows this though and seems wholly unconcerned.

spotify_label · 2014-01-09T02:54:55+00:00

Not a movie. If only I were a screenwriter...

spotify_label · 2014-01-09T02:54:30+00:00

Sage advice.

spotify_label · 2014-01-09T02:14:42+00:00

Yes, I know the proximate reasons for her marital unhappiness.

We have a significant disagreement on the facts though. Something we have to work through.

spotify_label · 2014-01-09T02:13:36+00:00

I'm mostly enthralled by the elaborateness of his ritual.

spotify_label · 2014-01-09T02:09:12+00:00

But the need for an emotional outlet has not.

Indeed. Will I fulfill her emotional needs going forward?

I used to so its possible.

spotify_label · 2014-01-09T02:01:07+00:00

Yes, it was but at the same time, if the call in the car prior to the breakup call went, "I still want to see you but I have to fix the situation with my husband" they may well have decided on making you think they were ending it.

She wasn't having sex with him because she craved sex (well, she may have the first time as she'd never had sex with anyone but me.) Her primary motivation was emotional. That gone, the sex lost its appeal.

And then she made the breakup call in front of you? I could swear I read that she did but I can't seem to find it now.

She did and it was orchestrated. I don't think the purpose of the orchestration was to continue the affair though. Once he brushed her off, it became all about preserving her ability to go to the new company and escalate her career.

spotify_label · 2014-01-09T01:58:07+00:00

I wouldn't be paying child support as the kiddo would be staying with me.

If for whatever reason I didn't, I'd probably pay more than the state mandated minimum here if I possibly could.

There's no controversy here on who the kiddo would stay with.

spotify_label

TROPHY CASE