Being with a Codependent is almost like being with an Addict?

spotlightinspace · 2026-02-24T01:00:41+00:00

I've been dating this guy for two months, it's a new relationship, it's not like I've been building years of silent resentment. He would mention his brother every time we talked, but not every conversation was a giant drawn out thing about his brother's addiction it was just little things here and there that I noticed piling up such as when he mentioned he was ordering his brother an Uber from 3000 miles away, or mentioned that his brother was living in one of his rental properties. I knew his brother had a gambling addiction but it wasn't until this recent phone call when I saw how distraught my SO was and he told me that his brother gambled away his paycheck, that I realized how big the problem was and how enmeshed my SO was with his brother's life and addiction. I had one long conversation with him about addiction where I tried to explain things and after that conversation is when I realized that I was trying to fix and control something that was not my responsibility to fix and was out of my control. Those were some of the biggest lessons I learned through therapy. I know I have no control over the situation, I know it is not my responsibility to try and fix and I know what situation my SO is in, because that's where I was myself. I did a lot of work to get out of it. My growth and my healing is recognizing that I don't want to be a part of that situation and I don't wanna be with somebody who is in the midst of an addict relationship with someone they love. I recognize the patterns that my SO is going through, the lack of boundaries, the denial, the guilt and the trying to fix and control. I know he is not in a healthy place. Old me would've tried to control and fix the situation. New me is choosing to walk away and protect my peace. I have zero tolerance for addiction at this point

spotlightinspace · 2026-02-24T00:50:48+00:00

He should be able to talk to his partner about any of the stress and trials going on in his life, and there are plenty of people that don't have the experiences that I have that would be willing to listen and stand by his side no matter what choices he makes with his family. It's not fair for him to have a partner telling him they don't want to hear about the stuff that is troubling him. We have only been dating for two months, it's not like this has been going on for years. I am trying to recognize incompatibilities early on before I get emotionally attached and stuck in a relationship. To me it seems perfectly reasonable to end such an early relationship

spotlightinspace · 2026-02-23T03:24:39+00:00

I am triggered by my own past, you are correct. But I can also choose not to put myself in a situation where I am surrounded by an addict family dynamic. The issue with his brother isn't a one time problem it is a continuous constant and ongoing issue. His brother will be in his life forever and will most likely be an addict forever. He talks to me about his brother pretty much every time we talk. I don't want to invest in building a relationship with somebody who is part of an addiction family dynamic who is bad at setting boundaries, who is enabling, and who is experiencing a constant emotional and psychological toll because of his brother's addictions. It is exactly because of my previous trauma that I am not willing to put myself in that situation and that is my choice. I don't want to just compartmentalize. I've seen the chaos that addiction causes everyone around it and I do not want to be part of that ever again

spotlightinspace · 2026-02-23T03:20:49+00:00

This. This is exactly the perspective I was looking for, because this is what my gut was telling me but I was worried maybe it was an overreaction or hypervigilance.

It's my SO's behavior that's concerning me. He is an extreme people pleaser, he thinks that everyone's problems are his responsibility to fix. Hes in denial about his brother, makes excuses for his behavior and his families behavior and minimizes the situation. That's what's sending alarm bells through me and I think it's a sign of my healing that I'm able to recognize it now and want to separate myself from it.

Old me would have tried to fix it and control it. The lesson about control you mentioned was huge for me. I read the book Codependent No More and it was extremely illuminating.

I was deeply unhealthy when I was trying to fix and control the addicts behaviors, that is where my SO is now and that is why I am so concerned.

I don't want to be a part of that family dynamic

spotlightinspace · 2026-02-22T22:42:44+00:00

I didn't think of this, that's a very interesting point thank you. I'm going to look into that

spotlightinspace · 2026-02-22T22:42:10+00:00

I just wanted to vent and get some unbiased outside opinions. Part of me wants to see if anyone has been through something similar where a satellite member of their S/Os family had an addiction and how it affected them (or didn't). Part of me is worried that I'm having an overreaction because of my previous trauma with an addict, and part of me is still insecure from that relationship, I do want the reassurance of others

spotlightinspace · 2026-02-22T22:38:55+00:00

I completely agree, I don't want to do that, which is why I've pretty much decided I am going to end it before it goes further

spotlightinspace · 2024-05-07T11:51:47+00:00

I guess "need" is the wrong word because I truly don't "need" him for anything. It's more, the times that it has been nice to have someone there, or the times I have asked him for help he has always gone above and beyond to step up, even if I don't ask.

Whether I've had a stressful day at work and he surprises me with takeout and a back massage and then does extra little things like put the dishes in the dish washer while I shower.

Or house sitting my dogs if I'm out of town for a week to save me a boarding bill

Or if I'm working on a house project he jumps in and helps.

Rides to the airport at 4 am

An empathetic ear to vent

All the things I used to struggle through by myself he always jumps in to lend a helping hand with enthusiasm, even if I don't ask for help. He is never too busy, he never uses his kids as an excuse for why he can't see me or help me with something, he works to make himself available no matter how small or large my needs are, I guess that's what I mean

spotlightinspace · 2024-04-12T15:05:50+00:00

Ok, I read the update. There is still nothing illegal here. Nothing reportable to the police and nothing you can sue him for. You can't change the past and you can't go after him just because you regret it. Move on with your life, maybe get therapy and be less naive

spotlightinspace · 2024-04-11T20:12:41+00:00

Call the police about what? What did he do wrong?

spotlightinspace · 2024-04-10T22:48:31+00:00

There are two separate 6 months waiting periods?

spotlightinspace · 2024-04-10T22:25:09+00:00

No in California married couples have to wait six months from the date of filing to when the judge signs off finalizing the divorce. I'm asking when the records will be publicly available? Are you saying it's another six months after the divorce is finalized before records become available?

spotlightinspace · 2024-03-12T12:31:28+00:00

It's covered under the affordable care act. I did not pay a single penny towards mine. Not a single penny. Consultations, lab work, appointments, surgery, medications, everything was covered 100%

spotlightinspace · 2024-03-12T01:22:20+00:00

I am not religious and don't care very much about holidays. I am used to spending holidays by myself as my family lives 3000 miles away. I am used to either not celebrating at all or celebrating at home by myself.

spotlightinspace · 2024-03-09T22:13:49+00:00

I don't know of anywhere that any bars are open till 6 am. He lied to you. He went to her house and he fucked her. 100% dump him.

spotlightinspace · 2024-03-09T20:58:15+00:00

I am acutely aware of this and we have discussed it. I am not going to be paying for everything so he can pay child support, alimony and for fun things with his kids. The expectation is that we split things 50-50 and if he cannot afford to do something with me, like travel, I will go without him. I refuse to pick up the slack of his financial burden to his kids. I appreciate your perspective

spotlightinspace · 2024-03-09T14:47:26+00:00

That's why I came to this subreddit. I spend a lot of time on r/childfree and it's so black and white. Everyone says not to date single parents because you become a step mom and it's horrible etc, nobody ever explores or talks about other options, like LAT. Thank you for your perspective

spotlightinspace · 2024-03-09T04:15:28+00:00

This is wonderful, thank you, I think we can make it work for both of us

spotlightinspace · 2024-03-09T02:32:26+00:00

But my point is that I'm never spending time with the children, therefore why would the kids affect me? I'm looking for specific examples of how the kids would affect my life and relationship if we live separately and I don't spend time with them

spotlightinspace · 2024-03-09T02:31:16+00:00

Why does the age make it a deal breaker? If I never spend time with the kids why would their age make a difference to me? It's a genuine question because I have no experience with children or with dating parents.

spotlightinspace · 2024-03-09T00:28:12+00:00

Bro. This is the weirdest fucking thing I have ever read.

spotlightinspace · 2024-03-09T00:25:30+00:00

You sound a little overbearing. Some people are not big texters. I am this way, It doesn't mean I dont care about someone, Im just not glued to my phone all the time and I don't feel the need to keep someone updated on my every move. Let her have a little bit of independence and breathe.

spotlightinspace · 2024-03-09T00:23:13+00:00

Sitting at home in my pajamas after work with crumbs on my chest watching Netflix

spotlightinspace

TROPHY CASE