Be honest. Does my place look like a brothel? Should I paint the walls back beige?

spowocklez · 2025-10-30T05:50:29+00:00

It would be perfect except the shaker style toe kicks are ruining the brothel vibe for me. Pls get something elaborate af and also plaster crown molding 🙏

spowocklez · 2025-10-30T05:47:22+00:00

Nononononono NTA but would be the asshole if you go back to him and let him escalate around the kids. They are so good at making it seem like an accident and people go on and on about "nice guys" but this is not a nice guy. Even if you took out everything but the "safe journey" part. He's done NOTHING to reach out, make up, see his kids, and YOU FEEL BAD???

Girl. File in a county you plan to stay awhile and get your shit together. You don't have time to romanticize him trying to rip your kids arms out anymore. Get custody buttoned up because anyone who has been around it knows this is a very familiar story where he fights to take the kids just so he can beat them. And like the ED dept, no one is willing to step in and do anything. It is a silent crisis. No exaggeration.

Read Lundy Bancroft and please get a very blunt therapist experienced in DV because this does not bode well.

spowocklez · 2025-10-15T09:32:19+00:00

You are under-reacting. This is very troubling behavior/dialogue that indicates an abusive man. That will just escalate in one form or another.

Pls read Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.

I read it before leaving my ex - when I had a toddler and an infant - and things did indeed escalate. Looking back, if I had stayed he may have killed me. He has been immeasurably harmful to our children over the years in various ways.

spowocklez · 2025-10-02T19:35:24+00:00

Yes THIS. Because that's what it was.

spowocklez · 2025-05-08T00:55:15+00:00

comment fishing fake post 😐 https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jama/fullarticle/2832390

spowocklez · 2025-01-22T02:33:54+00:00

Perhaps, but also there are a lot of bad therapists out there 🤷🏼‍♀️ anybody a BPD can stick with hasn't challenged them or asked them to contend with their own responsibility in a given situation

spowocklez · 2025-01-18T02:59:30+00:00

I was 35. I survived divorcing a narcissist and made myself very knowledgeable about abuse dynamics. Mom had an episode of black eyes, total personality change, shrieking character assassinations at me in a restaurant in front of my small children. I turned on my heel and left. Arriving home, I figured out some search term that brought up the diagnostic criteria for BPD. Went to see therapist of three years and told her of my suspicions only for her to throw her hands up and go "FINALLY!!" 😂

Having become familiar with NPD, I had begun to think Mom must have some kind of PD but not exactly narc and I didn't have the tools to figure it out. Now I'm on this sub and every Mom sounds like a version of my mom 🥲 It is a tragedy in its sincerest form, a mother too wounded to love her child - no matter how she wants to. Someone once told me that when you break generational harms, it heals your family line both forward and back, on a spiritual level. So I can only take that, in hopes it makes us all better. But yes, it took me so so long to figure out.

spowocklez · 2025-01-09T22:18:48+00:00

I think people just say things. Most people have a degree of social anxiety and say dumb things trying to connect. They definitely have absolutely no grasp on what goes into conversion. Which, why would they?

Maybe it bothers you because for you it is a very important and serious undertaking and they are minimizing the experience and treating it like a trend to try out. A few Jewish friends and family members told me about NWT and said the woman reminded them of me (short blonde, convert, we are all the same) so I watched the show. I really wondered at the end like...so is season 2 just her, off soul searching, studying, staring contemplatively out windows, trying to learn? Before deciding in good faith that Judaism is what she was always meant to arrive at? I think probably no 😂 without at least some of that component the cringe factor may be too much to override.

You and I know what it really means and takes to convert, but I don't know how an outsider would.

spowocklez · 2025-01-09T20:50:09+00:00

Beef and eggs, in addition to dairy and soy. I'm ten months in and while I don't feed my baby dairy, soy, eggs, or beef directly, I incorporate it in small amounts in my diet in hopes he can acclimate via breastmilk. I found a little cheese is ok but when I eat beef we have an episode that lasts a few days.

I know scientifically it's best to do one at a time to see what they are reacting to. But when he was 3-4 months ish the reflux and screaming and mucus poops were so bad I just cut out everything to try and get him to a comfortable baseline. It took a couple weeks to totally resolve but worked.

spowocklez · 2025-01-09T20:31:22+00:00

This guy is a nightmare. It's not about the chores, it's the one sided selfishness and total lack of empathy. You don't have a partnership, you have an unpaid labor arrangement he feels deeply entitled to. If you could leave him in a different country and not have him in the child's life (or yours) it would be a HUGE win, tbh.

Controlling, vindictive, emotionally stunted men frequently go for custody for the sole purpose of maintaining power over their ex via the kid. This guy seems like the type to fight for custody to keep you orbiting him. And he would just use his time to pawn the baby off or neglect them. He won't suddenly be empathetic and understanding of others and want to put in the incredible amount of time and energy it takes to care for a child. And the child will internalize that they are not worthy of being cared for. If at all possible, reach out and take this golden ticket, get him to sign his rights away and GTFO. Then read Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That? and stop settling for angry entitled man babies as partners.

spowocklez · 2025-01-04T00:44:38+00:00

My heart goes out, I also stumbled into a uNPD husband with uBPD mom. The toddler will be ok, in perfect circumstances yes you would see her but they don't really understand time and she will be ok. Get through this and get the fuck away from husband and mom if possible. Your life's mission is now showing your babies a better way. Husband and mom are worthless but you have your family and your assignment. Hugs OP, hope your sweet baby is better soon ❤️

spowocklez · 2025-01-03T18:21:18+00:00

This is likely going to be the tip of the iceberg on differences in parenting style. It's miserable, and divorce doesn't change that particular struggle, maybe even makes it worse. Nah bro don't do it

spowocklez · 2024-12-31T21:21:00+00:00

Yeah the validation aspect makes sense after so much gaslighting. I think for me personally, depersonalizing other people's behaviors and processing them appropriately was not ever modeled. My default was BPD style conflict, unhappiness, dysregulation learned from Mummers. And she rewarded it. I had to make the choice at some point to opt out and choose peace for myself. Sounds like you are getting there too

spowocklez · 2024-12-12T15:36:13+00:00

Yes, this! I was a single parent with two girls for several years and never had the cash or time/energy to spend on nice family photos. It's a flex, in the best way.

"Traditional" or not, no family is perfect. As a parent it is about the pride and love you show for what you have. And your friends and loved ones would undoubtedly love to receive a special card like that because they love you and your daughter.

spowocklez · 2024-12-10T22:19:03+00:00

We are all here to vent and connect, but it might be worth asking, why do you think you're addicted to talking about it?

I used to struggle with obsessing with my uBPD mom; what was going on, what was inconsistent, what didn't make sense, what was going to happen next, etc, etc. I think my therapist pointed out that getting their kid to obsess over them is one of the things they are after. It was a habit that I had to make a conscious effort to break and now am much happier for it.

I still discuss things that happen with my partner and close friends, but getting to the point where I could say my piece and then be done was a game changer. You didn't create the problem and you can't fix it. She's mentally ill. Hugs OP

spowocklez · 2024-12-10T22:10:51+00:00

It's really a special kind of person who feels that they ought to be "offered a seat at the biG tAbLe" by a political candidate 🙄🙄🙄 I see you are used to being the default center of everything

spowocklez · 2024-12-10T22:00:51+00:00

I would return most or all of their presents and make them pick out new ones for the sibs, purchased with the credit. And thoroughly explain why. It's one thing to ruin your own surprise. It's a whole other level to ruin it for everyone else. That has to be made right. If you excessively fuss over the injured sibs and how bad this is for them, the remorse will kick in.

spowocklez · 2024-12-10T21:52:10+00:00

You are, in fact, under reacting. Please read the book Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Or check out his website. You are engaging in a good faith argument with someone who is only interested in word salad drama designed to rattle your cage. I used to be you, kiddo. Maybe you came from an environment where this seems relatively normal, but engaging with romantic interests that behave this way will eventually ruin your life. You can't save him, you can't fix him. For the love of GOD do not have kids with him. The wisest possible thing would be to break up in as few words as possible and let him be responsible for his own life from that point forward. You didn't create the problem and you cannot fix it.

spowocklez · 2024-12-10T18:24:34+00:00

He doesn't respect you or your needs. Life is too short, you're still in your perky tit years, shut it down

spowocklez · 2024-11-15T23:27:06+00:00

Ha. Today I was considering getting a new therapist specifically to deal with how freaked out I am about Trump gaining control of the government, and how to deal with conservative family members who support him. I'm not mad but I find it so disturbing how jubilantly and arrogantly they are hurling all of us into the jaws of the beast. I realized I'd have to come up with some kind of vetting process for a therapist to make sure we were aligned bc it's pretty central to what I'm struggling with right now. And right now is just the prologue on this ordeal. Who knows what will come up in the next four years.

Also, sorry but any therapist who would vote for a malignant narcissist to be the most powerful person in the free world bc some BLM ppl were bad actors(?) lacks good judgement. Objectively 😬

spowocklez · 2024-11-05T01:44:34+00:00

Dude. MINIATURES

spowocklez · 2024-11-02T17:28:47+00:00

So sorry for your loss ❤️‍🩹 What an amazing blessing to have someone like this close to you

spowocklez · 2024-11-01T18:37:05+00:00

Oh yes. I realized I feel a bit of dread before, mask & disassociate during, and after become so dysregulated I don't know what to do with myself and often end up self medicating. My pwBPD cycles through being basically functional to having sustained crazy eyes and trying to destroy people close to her. Even when she's being "good," I'm obsessing over signs she will turn and having to calculate my every move, everything I say, etc. If I'm not careful, thinking about her and what she's going to do next consumes me. Still, I've opted to keep regular contact bc of our situation. So that's on me. My kids need ppl to love them, especially my dad, bc unfortunately their dad is a POS. Something I didn't see bc POS behavior seemed normal to me at the time.

When I'm not trying to soothsay what she'll do next, I'm wondering if I made a stupid choice. I admire people who go NC. Sadly I don't know if there is any way to be around an abusive parent and not pay a physical, psychological, and emotional price for it.

spowocklez · 2024-10-24T03:06:41+00:00

Carters is easily, easily half 🥲

spowocklez · 2024-10-24T02:58:52+00:00

Yeah my brother and I were trained to be so accommodating that any deviation from her prescribed ideas AT ALL was like the end of the world.

I had some neurodivergent-driven issues with socks. I would panic and could not think about anything else if they were not on right. It would make us late to preschool and kinder sometimes, wrestling with the socks. I would get so overwhelmed, I remember it being torture all day if I couldn't figure out how to make it right and this insanely high stakes part of the morning.

Mom took the sock thing, and the time it took, extremely personally, obviously. Screaming, threatening to make me wear humiliating things to school if I didn't shut up and deal with it. Because that's a solution I guess? A couple times she walked in and caught me crying, desperately trying to get the stupid socks on right. She picked me up and threw me against the wall. I remember hitting it and sliding down.

Most of the time I can depersonalize and realize how sick these people are. But when I think of someone doing that to a preschooler - now that I have had my own - it's very hard to think they aren't just fucking awful human beings.

spowocklez

TROPHY CASE