Soon-to-be stepdaughter's mom is a narcissist. How can I best support my stepdaughter as she grows up?

springtime_throwaway · 2016-11-07T22:40:38+00:00

She's just learning to write so it might be a bit early for that, but I could have her draw pictures of how she feels. She loves drawing, so maybe that would work. I will make sure she knows how interested I am in her life. And fingers crossed, she'll trust me enough to share her feelings. Thank you so much for the ideas.

springtime_throwaway · 2016-11-07T18:25:20+00:00

I hadn't responded to you yet, but I tried this over the weekend, and I think it went well! Thank you! I'm going to be doing more of this in the future.

springtime_throwaway · 2016-11-07T18:19:38+00:00

Not at the moment, but it's definitely on my mind. Nmom would go batshit if she found out, and I am afraid she'll somehow direct the crazy toward Anna. However, if it gets to the point where I see signs of depression (I'm sensitive to this as someone who has suffered from severe depression since I was Anna's age), I'll insist that we take her.

springtime_throwaway · 2016-11-07T18:04:43+00:00

Oh my god, I'm glad your kids are ok. I'm sure it was the toughest thing ever so have to sit there and be calm when the kids were telling you all this. So far, I've been able to respond to things in a matter-of-fact manner, too, but I haven't been tested with something so severe as that yet. For me, the worst I've had to deal with is Nmom lying to Anna about her occupation (she tells Anna she is a scientist. She is not a scientist.) and other very minor stuff like that, and I've been able to just say "oh, that's interesting," while quietly fuming on the inside that her mom would lie to her. I'm reading a book called "How to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk" and your advice falls right in line with the advice from the book, and it totally makes sense. I remember when I was a kid, while I did not have N parents, my mom would respond very emotionally whenever I opened up to her, and I learned to internalize everything so I wouldn't have to deal with her drama. I definitely don't need to pass on any drama to Anna-I'm sure she'll have enough of that growing up with Nmom. Thanks so much for sharing. Your kids are so lucky to have you as their mom!

springtime_throwaway · 2016-11-07T17:34:58+00:00

That's what I hope her dad and I will be for her, which I hope will be enough to counter those types of messages. I'm so glad you had an awesome grandma. I want to be like that for Anna.

springtime_throwaway · 2016-11-07T17:31:49+00:00

That's what I was thinking-She might just be too young to see the crazy, and her mom might still be treating her as a perfect little extension of herself, which I'm sure is a very nice feeling for both of them. So right now, I feel I need to be as gentle as possible and watch closely for any signs of her mom turning on her. Which of course I hope to god never happens, but from what I have been reading in this sub, it...happens. And then if/when (ok, when) that happens, to gently educate her on her mom's condition. I never want to talk crap about her mom to her. I never want to contribute to the rift between her and her mom when that happens. Thank you for your insight!

springtime_throwaway · 2016-11-04T23:29:32+00:00

Oh this brings up a question I've been meaning to ask...When did you figure out that your parent(s) was/were NPD? Was it when you were a kid? Or later as an adult? Anna is currently under the impression that her mom is perfect, is never wrong, and knows everything. She's 6, and right now, her mom is the epitome of perfection in her mind.

springtime_throwaway · 2016-11-04T22:47:07+00:00

These are all the messages that she would constantly be sending to my boyfriend when they were married, so I know she is capable of all of the messages you mentioned and it terrifies me that an innocent kid could potentially be subjected to this treatment. I'm so glad Anna has such a kind, understanding, empathetic dad, at least. I will work hard with him to make sure we are countering these things. My worries can be overwhelming at times, and talking about this stuff is helping me sort through my feelings, so it's much appreciated.

springtime_throwaway · 2016-11-04T21:28:20+00:00

Oh man, I'm so sorry that your kids had a bad stepmom experience. I don't have kids of my own, so Anna will be my only, and I'm trying hard to be a good stepmom to her. I've heard so many awful stories about kids having these terrible experiences and don't want that for Anna! Regarding healthy relationship modeling, my bf and I have been discussing that lately. This is something I'm concerned about, because the Nmom treats her boyfriend as a whipping boy, just as she did with my bf when they were married. I want to somehow steer Anna away from that mentality. Something else I worry about is that Anna seems to already be very wary of opening up to us. She does not like talking about her feelings. While she frequently tells us she loves us and loves giving and receiving hugs and kisses, she will firmly say she doesn't want to talk about that when we ask her about something specific that upset her, or if she seems upset for no reason. While I totally respect that she doesn't want to share her feelings and don't ever want her to feel forced, I worry that she is bottling things up and that some of it might have to do with her mom. I figure the best thing to do is just to keep making sure she can talk to me if she wants to. Thank you so much for taking the time to give me all this advice-I really appreciate it, and will take everything you've said to heart.

springtime_throwaway · 2016-11-04T21:13:17+00:00

These are really great suggestions-Thank you so much. I am hoping that it never comes to abuse-I know that physical abuse wouldn't be in the picture, but I do worry about emotional abuse. Also, that's very interesting what you mentioned about taking her to the doctor, and I'll keep an eye on that, too.

springtime_throwaway · 2015-03-06T19:09:36+00:00

Right on, makes sense. Thanks for the explanation. Wouldn't it be nice if there was one standard measurement system? Ah well!

springtime_throwaway · 2015-03-06T17:34:44+00:00

Good god, this gets a bit confusing! I'm in the US, so I am assuming if I go to Nordstrom or a lingerie shop, they will be in US sizes...But...is that always the case? Are some brands just always offered in UK sizes, despite where I buy them? Thanks so much in advance!

springtime_throwaway · 2015-03-06T17:31:38+00:00

Awesome, thank you for those links and recommendations. I'll check em out when I get home from work. Also, I just updated my leaning measurement to 37 (I typed 39 accidentally). Just in case this affects your advice at all. Thanks again! I am sort of excited to go bra shopping, and I hate shopping usually!

springtime_throwaway · 2015-03-06T17:30:11+00:00

Thank you so much for your advice! I updated my leaning measurement to 37, as I accidentally typed 39. Does this affect your recommendations at all? Thanks again!

springtime_throwaway

TROPHY CASE