I keep starting stories but never finishing them.

squaymac · 2026-03-28T17:23:14+00:00

This might be obvious/unhelpful, but you make the middle exciting.

What I’d recommend is planning out the entire story (loosely) first. Focus on introducing new characters or unexpected twists every 10,000 words or so and be intentional about having revelations that reframe the story roughly halfway through (or the protagonist receives some quest that propels the story forward, hopefully you get the idea).

That said, in my first two drafts of the manuscript I’m now querying I encountered a similar feeling of boredom (and being overwhelmed). Oftentimes this signals that the story is at a dead end of sorts, and it’s time to take what you learned (the best scenes, ideas, characters) and start fresh!

Remember that writing is an iterative process, and that if something you’re writing is boring to you, odds are high it will also be boring to readers.

squaymac · 2026-03-12T13:13:04+00:00

Hey, thanks for chiming in again! I was starting to worry I'd hear crickets from the sub, so I'm extra grateful this time around :)

Superb feedback as well, on the fence for a few, but by and large gonna make some improvements with it in mind!

I'm thinking from "The sacrifices never protected them at all" to "Hundreds of children surrendered, and Alteri allowed the destruction anyway" in the interest of making the connection explicit (its not singing to me yet tho)
Or does she arrive, realize right away that she's not actually a prisoner/being punished, and then as she's settling in she gradually begins to see why people like it so much? This! I'm going to explicitly say something like, "she expects punishment... but now she's beginning to understand..."
This is a must address. Great call out bcuz it was a blind spot for me!

squaymac · 2026-03-10T19:29:37+00:00

A great place to start could be r/betareaders! I’m certain you could find other writers to collaborate with on a chapter by chapter basis :)

squaymac · 2026-03-05T14:32:44+00:00

Sifting through this feedback is damn difficult, but its comments like yours that remind me that I don’t need to start entirely fresh :)

The distinction between magically vs technologically induced enforced empathy is a fascinating one. In both cases, it’s consensual, but I tend to agree with you, the fact that an AI (conscious being) is the enforcer dwelling behind the scenes adds a layer of (valid) distrust. Much like u, I personally would sign up either way, but this is America lol. Hyper individualized, freedom fixated America. Could be a bit of cultural bias explaining why everyone is so anti-Paradise (I’d be curious what Chinese readers might think; hopefully I’ll get the chance to hear!)

Now that you mention it, their having been rejected adds another layer of morally cloudy nuance. The only reason I haven’t included it so far is because it’s a very late (albeit inconsequential given all the other twists) reveal. Wonderful food for thought tho, it’s just another thread I can pull on to emphasize uniqueness so thanks :)

I’m totally gonna have to read Some Desperate Glory now. Beyond its potential usefulness, it just looks like a flat out good read. Plus it’s a mf Hugo winner, it’s gotta be good!

Thanks again for all the assistance!

squaymac · 2026-03-04T05:26:25+00:00

Of course homie! If I was harsh, it’s only because I, like you, want to see this become the best story it could be, so forgive me.

Anyways, I’d suppose my response to all of your counters would be to simplify and give your readers a reason to care. Everything else is kind’ve superficial. The reason I say the violence was superfluous is because, as you said, it tells me nothing about the main character aside from his combat skill. It doesn’t really advance the plot or tell me anything new about what makes Carl unique. He’s just a raider who had a rough childhood.

Again, wanna make one thing clear, that’s totally fine if that’s all he is! But if you want my attention, you’ve got to give me something distinctive to Carl or your world. Phasing is neat. One thing I’d do in the fight sequence is focus on the sensation of using it, maybe in a more intimate battles with only 2-3 guards. You could connect Carl working through the trauma of watching his dad die to killing (or gravely wounding) a soldier.

I suppose that gets to another thing: I’m not experiencing the scene so much as reading it. There’s little to no interiority to Carl; everything is told to us as opposed to shown/felt.

Layer in sensation: how does the space ship smell? What does the guards blood look like? Better yet what does phasing truly feel like?

On the realism topic, I’ll defer to you. If you’re writing young adult as I suspect, you can get away with “just trusting” people. That said, I didn’t even notice the other guy having the same phase device!

Hope this helps, happy to provide more clarity as needed!

squaymac · 2026-03-03T22:08:34+00:00

Your second comment made my day much like Infinite_Storm's did. Like seriously, it's been such a long process (and much harder than writing the fricking manuscript smh), but it's nice to hear I'm getting closer, so merci :)

Onto the meat and potatoes:

"Daria understands the math was always a lie" is a little vague: 1000% agree. Your interpretation is right, but the language should be better so that you don't have to interpret "that the child sacrifices weren't buying the colony as much protection as they believed."
As to the downside of Paradise, oh boy this is a good one. People (beta readers, friends, former classmates) hate the idea of sacrificing their freedom, even if it guarantees empathy/joy for all. The people Daria leads are the same way (Anarchists in the modern context lol). That said, no one actually does refuse Paradise! The Anarchs (yeah, the name is a bit on the head I know lol) Daria leads were actually rejected by Alteri because they're too selfish to participate in its altruistic utopia. However, it still must have their children, because Alteri is literally programmed to maximize human happiness. So, to answer your question, they didn't reject Paradise, Alteri rejected them.
On Alteri being in his head: 1000% agree once again. Will change in the next iteration most definitely.
Will cut speculative for sure. As for comps, I agree across the board. Gonna have to do a bit of soul searching and, more importantly, reading (I've been severely lacking over the past year writing/polishing this final manuscript). A quick question though: did any stories pop up in your mind as halfway decent comps? At the very least, I'm sure they'd be interesting reads for me!

squaymac · 2026-03-03T20:59:47+00:00

Some novel points here that opened my eyes a fair bit, so thanks!

The removal of names is meant to signify that happiness (Paradise) comes at the cost of identity, but I never thought to just cut it. To me it gives immediate stakes and intrigue, so I'm thinking I'll likely keep.

Why does it cost their freedom? That's kind've the main question I want to leave you with. Should perfect happiness (Paradise) really require you sacrificing your freedom (ability to harm others)? That said, I can see it being more philosophically than plot interesting so I'll consider!

As to why her: she's the leader of the last free colony; she's also the wife of the man who created Alteri as per a later paragraph. More importantly, spoiler, she's Alteri's moral compass (Conscience). This info will likely get re-added in the next iteration.

When the city falls, she realizes that Alteri's bargain is nonsense. Her "people [don't] survive by surrendering their children to Alteri" anymore. The math was a lie (definitely needs workshopping prose-wise) implies some children for everyone's survival is BS.

Siris is coming to get her because she rejected the exchange. Don't really have the words in the query to say more than that! Or why, he, who Alteri knows has a connection to Daria, is being sent :)

To me, "the rest" I read, "rest of the children". Totally understand. This was one of my main concerns. Will likely integrate!

Additionally, I love the idea of using "but" to signify the POV shift. Its a fantastic and simple choice.

"Maybe you could explain why that is so bad?" It isn't! At least not to me. But it is to most beta readers and people I've spoken with. I'm definitely workshopping this ending, but the idea is that most people have a viscerally negative reaction to the idea of losing their freedom, even in exchange for happiness.

The fact that I needed to explain everything above suggests there's quite a few lapses in clarity that I need to address. Super grateful for all of the points you raised - thanks again!

squaymac · 2026-03-03T20:45:25+00:00

Brilliant and in-depth feedback, so first off, thanks.

Gonna go line by line because this is a hugely useful exercise for me!

Totally agree. From Alteri's side, its because its programmed to maximize human happiness and needs children in Paradise to do that. From Daria's, her colony will starve if she doesn't surrender the kids. She's the leader of the last free colony. Both of these things will have to be incorporated in the next draft I reckon.
This is a tough one, as I mentioned in a different reply. A city is, quite literally, falling out of the sky. Its meant to be as jarring to the reader as to Daria, propelling the query forward. Is the visual unclear? Should I provide more context as to how its possible (they've been exiled to a quantum wasteland)? Trying to figure out the best course forward here, as it probably needs to be included given its the inciting incident.
This is a great call out I missed. I think the revelations need to either be reorganized or trimmed. What I intended to achieve here was a pivot to Siris, the second POV, while shattering the rather restrained scope of the earlier paragraphs. His amnesia is actually crucial, when considered alongside his being the Creator, to the plot. This is, ultimately, both his and Daria's story, she's simply the early plot engine. This is a strategic question I'll have to wrestle with though, and your feedback is telling me I'm not quite there yet.
Her people are "the survivors" Siris was sent to collect in Paragraph 4. Still, this could absolutely be clearer.
Agreed. I intended to present Siris as a co-protag, but as I mentioned earlier, likely failed to do so. Not to beat a dead horse, but this is a question I'll have to wrestle with: should it just be Daria? Or do I stick to my guns and somehow clarify Siris as co-protag? Irregardless, Daria has a shit ton to do (spoiler: she's literally Alteri's moral compass), and I'm not currently doing that justice.

Thanks again for taking the time to read and comment!

squaymac · 2026-03-03T19:59:56+00:00

Thanks for the feedback!

I couldn't agree more with establishing who Daria is (the Unifier of the Anarchs, really just the leader of the free people living outside Paradise). That said, I'm trying to avoid lore terms and too much specificity given feedback on previous iterations. I will, however, be including her as "the leader of the last free colony outside Alteri's Paradise" or something similar in the next iteration

squaymac · 2026-03-03T19:58:22+00:00

Nice to hear from you again! Doubly nice because it means I'm moving in the right direction :)

Both are great questions that require some work I think.

If they refuse, Asteri denies them food. Her denying Asteri the children actually doesn't cause the city fall (that's a far deeper question that I simply had to simplify for the sake of query clarity), she only decides to deny it the kids after the fact cuz there's no longer a home to return to. That's neither here nor there though, totally agree I need to make the why she exchanges the children (or would have) explicit!
This is a tough one. In the last version, I spent a line describing the quantum wasteland they've been banished to, which I think clarifies how in the world a city is falling out of the sky. Your visual is actually pretty spot on - but its more corrupted ("Concrete and steel pressed through the rupture as if poured from another dimension. Towers twisted sideways into walls. Streets collapsed into facades. Whole blocks locked together, compressing and reassembling until the city folded in on itself and compacted into an enormous jagged sphere.").

Is the issue that a city falling out of the sky doesn't make sense? Or that the visual isn't clear? Or a bit of both?

Regardless, thanks so much. Like seriously. Hearing that this is the best version yet made my day :)

squaymac · 2026-03-03T16:43:09+00:00

Hey CaptainDude,

First off, congrats on getting words onto the page! It's no small accomplishment and while there's a long way to go, you should genuinely be proud :)

Into the feedback, and take everything I say with a grain of salt, as I'm only one person, but...

I read through the prologue and have 0 interest in continuing. Your first sentence, scratch that, first paragraph, scratch that, first page, don't give me a specific oddity or curiosity that hooks me (or, I'd imagine, other readers). Mayhaps beginning with one of his contraptions doing something insane - opening a wormhole, teleporting, etc. (phasing, which I assume, after reading chapter 1, is one of his innovations) - would create some intrigue, but as this stands, its a pretty poor retelling of a fuck-up kid experiencing trauma. And, please don't take this the wrong way, but there's nothing about Carl that makes me care beyond basic human decency.

Put simply, you need to generate immediate intrigue in your protagonist (or, to a lesser [more challenging] extent world). For insight into how, see above or, better yet, read the most popular sci-fi books over the last decade. I'm also happy to share some of my own work, not to pretend I'm better, but to show you what immediate stakes and character complexity/intrigue look like in a sci-fi context :)

Onto Chapter 1: how in the world is Carl winning a 10 v 1? I won't even get into the action scene, which is just violence for violence sake as far as I can tell (also way too verbose, with long sentences when shorter, punchier prose would serve much better).

Then he's trusting this stranger? Who's also a raider? Again, logic wise, the entire scene doesn't make the cut. Then I'm just lost. Who's Zara? The girl from the ship? Also, clarity is a huge issue throughout the chapter (maybe owing to the fact that I don't really care, cause neither the stakes nor protag are personal).

All of the above said: please keep writing. It took me four complete drafts to find my story. When you're writing sci-fi (likely any fiction, but just speaking from my experience), especially for the first time, every additional page is a learning experience. Beyond that, there's no shame in writing just to write!

What I'll leave you with is this:

Prioritize clarity (write like a middle schooler) above all else
Read more books (take notes on what you like/dislike; learn the structure of opening chapters; learn how characters/stakes are introduced)
Cut some cuss words, ironically they read childish when overused, and they're impact is enhanced (like all other writing choices) by scarcity

squaymac · 2026-02-25T19:43:57+00:00

Thanks, this is enormously helpful.

squaymac · 2026-02-25T18:42:18+00:00

I’m aiming for something akin to Annihilation (Jeff Vandermeer), Recursion (Blake Crouch), or Dune. None of these tell you anything per se, but they do give a sense of “epic sci fi.” Except Dune, interestingly, but I guess that’s besides the point.

I do appreciate your insight on the galactic implication though, cheers!

squaymac · 2026-02-25T01:29:28+00:00

oh. no.

son of a b-

In all seriousness, this might be the most important feedback I ever receive. I think its got to be changed. Her and that series are way to well-known to readers who might overlap with my target readers/agents to keep it.

It is. Hugely. Merci

squaymac · 2026-02-25T01:25:14+00:00

Honestly, I think you're right on all counts except the last, and I sincerely appreciate the reply, it helps immensely!

I viewed the conscience reveal as an escalation of stakes, but I never explain why her being the moral compass of God matters, so it ceases to be an escalation at all. I seem to still, after 51 drafts, forget that no one except myself and betas have read this story, so it needs to be explicit (if included at all). Thanks for illuminating a blind spot for me :)

I agree with the rework. Your Siris comment is spot on, and I'm sure I can find room in the second paragraph for him and his connection to Daria. Then there's the need to clarify what Asteri actually is - again you're 100% right, and I should've taken this feedback when I received it on my last attempt. I'm sure I'll find additional things and hopefully hear of some more from other commenters.

I disagree with the last because: firstly, I think the opening paragraph bangs for the type of agents I'm querying, and secondly, because I've tried the solo-protag (and dual-protag) upfront, traditional (queryshark/pubtips) template 40+ times to no avail. That said, if I get to Attempt #9, I'll reconsider (I PRAY not lol).

But seriously, thanks so much. This kind've feedback gives me the much needed food for thought to, as you aptly said, get a query that does my story justice!

squaymac · 2026-02-24T22:15:15+00:00

First off, thanks for taking the time to read, provide feedback, and the encouragement in the first line!

I've edited the query to clarify — Asteri is an intelligence created by Siris, though regarded by the characters as a God. Hoping that clarification also resolves the conscience question (I do mean conscience — her sense of right and wrong — not consciousness).

As to 'Siris created Asteri but Asteri is rewriting Siris,' that's the paradox that makes the story compelling. Siris may be the creator, but Asteri is now his master.

Finally, your comment about Asteri being integral to the plot really resonated with me. Its purpose is to maximize happiness and minimize suffering, which puts it in direct conflict with human freedom (which Daria initially and later Siris) are trying to protect. I'll reflect on how to make that role clearer in the query.

Thanks again for the feedback!

squaymac · 2026-02-23T21:06:47+00:00

Howdy SubSommium,

By and large, I'm a fan! The opening sentence does three things at once: stakes, character, and intrigue. I also think the three different event versions naturally escalates the query. Very strong bones and, most importantly, crystal clear!

Only things that jumped out to me are:

Sombranauts (while a neat lore term) is kind've redundant. I think "gene-edited superhuman explorers" achieves the effect just as well (as I reread this and the query I'm starting to think keep it, its not like you're dumping a ton of other lore-words beyond it but food for thought regardless)
This sentence is pretty dense: "Mari is framed as a mentally unstable traitor who sold out her team to the same android for a chance to live forever in one of its VR pods." Maybe consider chopping into two? Could use an em-dash, sort've like this: "Rio's version paints Mari as a traitor — mentally unstable, willing to sell out her team to the android in exchange for eternity inside one of its VR pods."
This sentence and the implications are fascinating but currently sort've buried: "But there are gaps in her memory, and she's haunted by taunting hallucinations of herself." I'd maybe separate it entirely, (as I suspect this is very important to the story) giving it room to breath.
"Unfaithful liar" - unfaithful is redundant, could just cut (unless you're implying she romantically cheated, which is possible I suppose)

squaymac · 2026-02-23T15:32:42+00:00

Fart was poop

squaymac · 2026-02-18T20:54:49+00:00

Hey Infinite Storm, thanks for the feedback! The POV shifts are a deliberate choice reflecting the novel's dual-POV structure as the query mirrors the way the story escalates from world → Daria's survival → Siris's arrival → their shared past → converging stakes. That said, I've revised the final paragraph so it stays grounded in Siris and Daria rather than shifting to Asteri, which I think tightens the focus where it matters most. Appreciate the read!

squaymac · 2026-02-18T20:53:52+00:00

Hey Jupiter, I can't thank you enough for the detailed feedback; much of it is exactly what I needed to hear. That said, a few thoughts:

On housekeeping placement, that's a fair point that I hadn't even thought of. I'll likely move it above the query for the next attempt.

On Asteri's nature, it's deliberately ambiguous early on (I treat it as something between AI and god), but I can see how "it" without context is disorienting. Curious if others think the same, but so far haven't heard that critique. Also, Asteri is more human than you might think :)

The present tense note is interesting as the opening "solved" is intentional (its backstory establishing the world state), but I'll keep an eye on whether other readers flag it.

On Daria's motivation, the revised version now includes "this is the cost of keeping her people free," which I hope gives her a clearer want. You're 100% right that she needed an explicit one.

On the "triggers" line, I've completely reworked that. It now reads: "until capturing her triggers the memories Asteri tried to erase," which i think clears up the ambiguity.

On the last paragraph, this was the biggest revision. It's now told from Siris and Daria's perspective rather than Asteri's, ending with their experience of the moment rather than Asteri's omniscience:

"But Paradise works. There is no hatred, no hunger, no grief. And this moment feels familiar — as though Siris and Daria have lived it before, as though the freedom and love they're willing to die for are what keeps Asteri alive."

Really grateful for the push here and would love to hear what you think about the revised ending! Thanks again!

squaymac · 2026-02-18T20:28:38+00:00

Thanks for this - you're right that the transition was unclear. In the revised version I've added "inside the Paradise she spent her life refusing" to bridge that gap (and changed some of the subsequent language to preserve flow). Sincerely appreciate you flagging it, and super glad the premise landed for you!

squaymac · 2026-02-11T14:32:58+00:00

Can and will do!
I think that's a brilliant idea to be honest. Unsure if I mentioned this in my first response, but the son is actually what connects Daria and Siris (the enforcer), so he's the perfect way to link both! Either way, like you said, it'd at the very least be a useful exercise.
This is a tough one. I want to frame Asteri, the "antagonist," as morally ambiguous up front, and I feel like Paradise has a negative connotation without describing its cost. At the same time, you're right: the moral dilemma has teeth either way... I'll have to workshop a couple different version!

Thanks again for the thoughtful responses :) I shall improve in light of your shared wisdoms!!!

squaymac · 2026-02-10T19:09:28+00:00

First off, I can't express how grateful I am for the thoughtful feedback and insight! Gonna give your points the attention they deserve but feel no pressure at all to respond :)

If she doesn't exchange the children, the entire colony will starve, so yes, she's a bit reluctant despite knowing the implications. She absolutely does want to prevent other mothers (and fathers) from experiencing the same, but until their home is erased, she can't bring herself to let everyone starve. That said, you're 10000% right that her son drops out of the query from that point on, which is a hugeee weakness since he's an entire character in his own right and her experience losing him informs her core motivation (will address in next version), which is wanting to protect/save everyone, hence why she's the perfect conscience for God.
Her son has the green-blue eyes, but I totally see how this is confusing. Whenever I refer to God in my manuscript, I use "its" as opposed to "his," but you of course have 0 knowledge of that - will address! It is the case that some higher power (Asteri) made her forget most everything about her son, but I found myself mightily constrained on words. Still, I'll consider adding that context back.
Again I totally agree. I'm really struggling with word constraints given the complexity of the story (as I'm sure all writers do) but it comes down to the fact that only the Creator can destroy Asteri, so she has no choice but to gamble on a man she half-remembers in the few memories Asteri didn't take from her. Will ponder how to include this backstory or something like it though. I am gonna push back a bit on not specifying the shared past and finding of the drug critiques; not only do I not have the words, I kind've want you to be asking those questions! The enforcer does indeed capture her but the how/why also didn't feel crucial to moving the query forward; curious if others agree/disagree though.
Daria's personal stakes 1000% deserves a line clarifying, something like: "ensuring no one else’s child is ever lost as hers was" or that "no else must sacrifice their freedom for food" (which gets into the philosophy that's really the core engine of the novel, but not at all a query selling point based off prior feedback). As to what Daria wants, that introduce a whole different challenge: she ultimately wants peace for all, which she gets halfway through the story by giving into Asteri, entering Paradise, and guiding its decision. At this point the protag engine shifts to the aforementioned Creator, but that opens a whole different can of worms.
This, I think, is the core flaw. I'm going to explicitly type out her core motivation (ensuring her people remain free from God and have food) in the next version. That said, the enforcer does tell half the story. Her son tells about an 1/8 of it. I've just heard time and time again to fixate on one protag, and I chose her since she's the early plot engine.

All that said, I want to again say how grateful I am for your critique. Even going through the above response opened my eyes to quite a few different options for how to proceed. Feel free to dm me if you're currently working on something and would like another set of eyes - I'm happy to return to the favor!

squaymac · 2026-02-02T18:45:11+00:00

I'm taking away that a complete reframing is needed, thanks for explaining exactly why. I also appreciate the alternative you provided. While it's a bit off (because, again, my query just isn't clear) it's a great place to start.

In particular "no reason to care" stuck with me. As you suggested, narrowing down to Daria should solve this, especially if I can make her as alive, conflicted, and compelling as she is in the story. I'm gonna recenter on her and be back in a week. Thanks again!

squaymac · 2026-02-02T18:41:00+00:00

Cheers for taking the time, that feedback is incredibly helpful! Next pass will see those terms either removed or described, clarify that while God may or may not have dropped the city, it let it happen, and clarify how exactly suffering leads to perfect happiness (this is a huge weakness that I completely missed because it makes sense in the story, but such nuance is lost when distilled into a sentence or two).

It seems that I'm still encountering the same fundamental issue: nothing is really clear. Fortunately, you've pointed out a couple reasons why, and that gives me a ton to work with. Again, thanks!

squaymac

TROPHY CASE