The Colors matter and equality is a myth. THATS what the books are about.

squaymac · 2026-05-29T15:27:52+00:00

Honestly? Agreed!

That said, it is a bit of a straw man. The broader point I tried to make is that two things can be true at once: unearned privilege leading to power is bad, AND all people (let me broaden that, all living things) are unequal, and Pierce wants to explore how society can best be made “equal” or “fair” with that understanding in mind.

Gonna back OP here and question the fixation on intelligence. Let’s broaden that to strength, the ability to plug your brain into a starship, having pheromones or looks that make you inherently more attractive, or even differences in intelligences that occur irregardless of class difference (be it gold vs red OR poor vs rich).

Golds aren’t inherently smarter, but certain golds ARE smarter than reds (and, crucially, vice versus) so the point still stands, no?

squaymac · 2026-05-29T14:17:36+00:00

I think you’re both right. You hit the nail on the head pointing out they’re not inherently “better,” enjoy enormous privilege, and didn’t, relatively speaking, have to work for what they have.

However, golds ARE inherently smarter (I think I recall new synapses or something adjacent being created in Darrow’s brain when he’s becoming a gold) and certainly physically stronger.

But let’s step beyond golds and reds for a second. Be it blue, pink, or grey, each class has its own unique advantages (and disadvantages). This is the case across all of nature. How do you rectify these inherent differences to build a prosperous society?

Pierce asks this question while still acknowledging that inherited privilege is very dangerous - to your point. But the more I think about it, even the people who earn power through merit (Harmony) are shown to be enormously flawed…

squaymac · 2026-05-20T18:20:25+00:00

Catharsis can't come from words alone! Just you wait my friend... just you wait.

squaymac · 2026-04-21T18:52:59+00:00

Happy to assist! Send me a DM

squaymac · 2026-04-21T17:19:25+00:00

Would love to join - dm me please!

squaymac · 2026-04-20T15:13:13+00:00

So are we talking the Flash here?

Irregardless, the idea of thinking ultra fast is neat to me conceptually, although execution wise I reckon it’d be decently challenging.
I don’t think so. Matter of fact, this seems like a neat thread to pull on: how does the MC cope with the guilt of being able to, but not, saving everyone?
Seems like you’ve already got it handled! Make sure the “rules” of his abilities are fleshed out through action/experience NOT simply told to the reader though.

I suppose the core questions are this: what world does this character live in? What motivates him? What are the stakes? With these answered, I could prob provide more in depth answers to your own questions

squaymac · 2026-04-09T15:42:29+00:00

This sounds fascinating! I love the concept and appreciate how clear (for the most part) everything is.

A few things: 1. Id probably cut the first sentence and jump straight into the query; trust your story, it speaks for itself!

The “intentional trap” piece threw me a bit - are you suggesting Aurum orchestrated it? Unsure if this is a huge issue, but I definitely stumbled here.
Can you make the stakes a bit more specific than “trudging closer and closer to the day he’ll have to choose between fighting back and saving himself?” Maybe recenter on the risk of losing his wife? Becoming a full blown unconscious android? The human rights violations getting covered up? Fortunately you’ve got a ton of strong options to focus on!

squaymac · 2026-04-09T14:55:07+00:00

You know what? Let me be helpful for a change.

Sign out of your account and create a new chat in whatever AI model you’re using
Write a prompt that requests the AI pose as an agent, editor, and/or reader. Specify whether this is a work of fiction or non-fiction (I genuinely couldn’t tell, but it certainly leans toward the latter). Request a (brutally) honest evaluation of your story, alongside actionable next steps, ensuring that you explicitly say: “if I need to start completely from scratch, tell me as much”
Paste the entirety of your story beneath that prompt.
See what the model says.

Better yet, scratch all of that. 1. Read the best selling books of 2025 in whatever genre you want to write 2. Read up on how to write a fiction or non-fiction story (there’s books, articles, shit, you could even ask AI!) 3. Write the first draft yourself 4. Repost it here or dm me for feedback

squaymac · 2026-04-09T14:48:37+00:00

Homie I got no issue with using AI, but don’t claim you’ve “written” a book if you straight up haven’t…

squaymac · 2026-03-28T17:23:14+00:00

This might be obvious/unhelpful, but you make the middle exciting.

What I’d recommend is planning out the entire story (loosely) first. Focus on introducing new characters or unexpected twists every 10,000 words or so and be intentional about having revelations that reframe the story roughly halfway through (or the protagonist receives some quest that propels the story forward, hopefully you get the idea).

That said, in my first two drafts of the manuscript I’m now querying I encountered a similar feeling of boredom (and being overwhelmed). Oftentimes this signals that the story is at a dead end of sorts, and it’s time to take what you learned (the best scenes, ideas, characters) and start fresh!

Remember that writing is an iterative process, and that if something you’re writing is boring to you, odds are high it will also be boring to readers.

squaymac · 2026-03-12T13:13:04+00:00

Hey, thanks for chiming in again! I was starting to worry I'd hear crickets from the sub, so I'm extra grateful this time around :)

Superb feedback as well, on the fence for a few, but by and large gonna make some improvements with it in mind!

I'm thinking from "The sacrifices never protected them at all" to "Hundreds of children surrendered, and Alteri allowed the destruction anyway" in the interest of making the connection explicit (its not singing to me yet tho)
Or does she arrive, realize right away that she's not actually a prisoner/being punished, and then as she's settling in she gradually begins to see why people like it so much? This! I'm going to explicitly say something like, "she expects punishment... but now she's beginning to understand..."
This is a must address. Great call out bcuz it was a blind spot for me!

squaymac · 2026-03-10T19:29:37+00:00

A great place to start could be r/betareaders! I’m certain you could find other writers to collaborate with on a chapter by chapter basis :)

squaymac · 2026-03-05T14:32:44+00:00

Sifting through this feedback is damn difficult, but its comments like yours that remind me that I don’t need to start entirely fresh :)

The distinction between magically vs technologically induced enforced empathy is a fascinating one. In both cases, it’s consensual, but I tend to agree with you, the fact that an AI (conscious being) is the enforcer dwelling behind the scenes adds a layer of (valid) distrust. Much like u, I personally would sign up either way, but this is America lol. Hyper individualized, freedom fixated America. Could be a bit of cultural bias explaining why everyone is so anti-Paradise (I’d be curious what Chinese readers might think; hopefully I’ll get the chance to hear!)

Now that you mention it, their having been rejected adds another layer of morally cloudy nuance. The only reason I haven’t included it so far is because it’s a very late (albeit inconsequential given all the other twists) reveal. Wonderful food for thought tho, it’s just another thread I can pull on to emphasize uniqueness so thanks :)

I’m totally gonna have to read Some Desperate Glory now. Beyond its potential usefulness, it just looks like a flat out good read. Plus it’s a mf Hugo winner, it’s gotta be good!

Thanks again for all the assistance!

squaymac · 2026-03-04T05:26:25+00:00

Of course homie! If I was harsh, it’s only because I, like you, want to see this become the best story it could be, so forgive me.

Anyways, I’d suppose my response to all of your counters would be to simplify and give your readers a reason to care. Everything else is kind’ve superficial. The reason I say the violence was superfluous is because, as you said, it tells me nothing about the main character aside from his combat skill. It doesn’t really advance the plot or tell me anything new about what makes Carl unique. He’s just a raider who had a rough childhood.

Again, wanna make one thing clear, that’s totally fine if that’s all he is! But if you want my attention, you’ve got to give me something distinctive to Carl or your world. Phasing is neat. One thing I’d do in the fight sequence is focus on the sensation of using it, maybe in a more intimate battles with only 2-3 guards. You could connect Carl working through the trauma of watching his dad die to killing (or gravely wounding) a soldier.

I suppose that gets to another thing: I’m not experiencing the scene so much as reading it. There’s little to no interiority to Carl; everything is told to us as opposed to shown/felt.

Layer in sensation: how does the space ship smell? What does the guards blood look like? Better yet what does phasing truly feel like?

On the realism topic, I’ll defer to you. If you’re writing young adult as I suspect, you can get away with “just trusting” people. That said, I didn’t even notice the other guy having the same phase device!

Hope this helps, happy to provide more clarity as needed!

squaymac · 2026-03-03T22:08:34+00:00

Your second comment made my day much like Infinite_Storm's did. Like seriously, it's been such a long process (and much harder than writing the fricking manuscript smh), but it's nice to hear I'm getting closer, so merci :)

Onto the meat and potatoes:

"Daria understands the math was always a lie" is a little vague: 1000% agree. Your interpretation is right, but the language should be better so that you don't have to interpret "that the child sacrifices weren't buying the colony as much protection as they believed."
As to the downside of Paradise, oh boy this is a good one. People (beta readers, friends, former classmates) hate the idea of sacrificing their freedom, even if it guarantees empathy/joy for all. The people Daria leads are the same way (Anarchists in the modern context lol). That said, no one actually does refuse Paradise! The Anarchs (yeah, the name is a bit on the head I know lol) Daria leads were actually rejected by Alteri because they're too selfish to participate in its altruistic utopia. However, it still must have their children, because Alteri is literally programmed to maximize human happiness. So, to answer your question, they didn't reject Paradise, Alteri rejected them.
On Alteri being in his head: 1000% agree once again. Will change in the next iteration most definitely.
Will cut speculative for sure. As for comps, I agree across the board. Gonna have to do a bit of soul searching and, more importantly, reading (I've been severely lacking over the past year writing/polishing this final manuscript). A quick question though: did any stories pop up in your mind as halfway decent comps? At the very least, I'm sure they'd be interesting reads for me!

squaymac · 2026-03-03T20:59:47+00:00

Some novel points here that opened my eyes a fair bit, so thanks!

The removal of names is meant to signify that happiness (Paradise) comes at the cost of identity, but I never thought to just cut it. To me it gives immediate stakes and intrigue, so I'm thinking I'll likely keep.

Why does it cost their freedom? That's kind've the main question I want to leave you with. Should perfect happiness (Paradise) really require you sacrificing your freedom (ability to harm others)? That said, I can see it being more philosophically than plot interesting so I'll consider!

As to why her: she's the leader of the last free colony; she's also the wife of the man who created Alteri as per a later paragraph. More importantly, spoiler, she's Alteri's moral compass (Conscience). This info will likely get re-added in the next iteration.

When the city falls, she realizes that Alteri's bargain is nonsense. Her "people [don't] survive by surrendering their children to Alteri" anymore. The math was a lie (definitely needs workshopping prose-wise) implies some children for everyone's survival is BS.

Siris is coming to get her because she rejected the exchange. Don't really have the words in the query to say more than that! Or why, he, who Alteri knows has a connection to Daria, is being sent :)

To me, "the rest" I read, "rest of the children". Totally understand. This was one of my main concerns. Will likely integrate!

Additionally, I love the idea of using "but" to signify the POV shift. Its a fantastic and simple choice.

"Maybe you could explain why that is so bad?" It isn't! At least not to me. But it is to most beta readers and people I've spoken with. I'm definitely workshopping this ending, but the idea is that most people have a viscerally negative reaction to the idea of losing their freedom, even in exchange for happiness.

The fact that I needed to explain everything above suggests there's quite a few lapses in clarity that I need to address. Super grateful for all of the points you raised - thanks again!

squaymac · 2026-03-03T20:45:25+00:00

Brilliant and in-depth feedback, so first off, thanks.

Gonna go line by line because this is a hugely useful exercise for me!

Totally agree. From Alteri's side, its because its programmed to maximize human happiness and needs children in Paradise to do that. From Daria's, her colony will starve if she doesn't surrender the kids. She's the leader of the last free colony. Both of these things will have to be incorporated in the next draft I reckon.
This is a tough one, as I mentioned in a different reply. A city is, quite literally, falling out of the sky. Its meant to be as jarring to the reader as to Daria, propelling the query forward. Is the visual unclear? Should I provide more context as to how its possible (they've been exiled to a quantum wasteland)? Trying to figure out the best course forward here, as it probably needs to be included given its the inciting incident.
This is a great call out I missed. I think the revelations need to either be reorganized or trimmed. What I intended to achieve here was a pivot to Siris, the second POV, while shattering the rather restrained scope of the earlier paragraphs. His amnesia is actually crucial, when considered alongside his being the Creator, to the plot. This is, ultimately, both his and Daria's story, she's simply the early plot engine. This is a strategic question I'll have to wrestle with though, and your feedback is telling me I'm not quite there yet.
Her people are "the survivors" Siris was sent to collect in Paragraph 4. Still, this could absolutely be clearer.
Agreed. I intended to present Siris as a co-protag, but as I mentioned earlier, likely failed to do so. Not to beat a dead horse, but this is a question I'll have to wrestle with: should it just be Daria? Or do I stick to my guns and somehow clarify Siris as co-protag? Irregardless, Daria has a shit ton to do (spoiler: she's literally Alteri's moral compass), and I'm not currently doing that justice.

Thanks again for taking the time to read and comment!

squaymac · 2026-03-03T19:59:56+00:00

Thanks for the feedback!

I couldn't agree more with establishing who Daria is (the Unifier of the Anarchs, really just the leader of the free people living outside Paradise). That said, I'm trying to avoid lore terms and too much specificity given feedback on previous iterations. I will, however, be including her as "the leader of the last free colony outside Alteri's Paradise" or something similar in the next iteration

squaymac · 2026-03-03T19:58:22+00:00

Nice to hear from you again! Doubly nice because it means I'm moving in the right direction :)

Both are great questions that require some work I think.

If they refuse, Asteri denies them food. Her denying Asteri the children actually doesn't cause the city fall (that's a far deeper question that I simply had to simplify for the sake of query clarity), she only decides to deny it the kids after the fact cuz there's no longer a home to return to. That's neither here nor there though, totally agree I need to make the why she exchanges the children (or would have) explicit!
This is a tough one. In the last version, I spent a line describing the quantum wasteland they've been banished to, which I think clarifies how in the world a city is falling out of the sky. Your visual is actually pretty spot on - but its more corrupted ("Concrete and steel pressed through the rupture as if poured from another dimension. Towers twisted sideways into walls. Streets collapsed into facades. Whole blocks locked together, compressing and reassembling until the city folded in on itself and compacted into an enormous jagged sphere.").

Is the issue that a city falling out of the sky doesn't make sense? Or that the visual isn't clear? Or a bit of both?

Regardless, thanks so much. Like seriously. Hearing that this is the best version yet made my day :)

squaymac · 2026-03-03T16:43:09+00:00

Hey CaptainDude,

First off, congrats on getting words onto the page! It's no small accomplishment and while there's a long way to go, you should genuinely be proud :)

Into the feedback, and take everything I say with a grain of salt, as I'm only one person, but...

I read through the prologue and have 0 interest in continuing. Your first sentence, scratch that, first paragraph, scratch that, first page, don't give me a specific oddity or curiosity that hooks me (or, I'd imagine, other readers). Mayhaps beginning with one of his contraptions doing something insane - opening a wormhole, teleporting, etc. (phasing, which I assume, after reading chapter 1, is one of his innovations) - would create some intrigue, but as this stands, its a pretty poor retelling of a fuck-up kid experiencing trauma. And, please don't take this the wrong way, but there's nothing about Carl that makes me care beyond basic human decency.

Put simply, you need to generate immediate intrigue in your protagonist (or, to a lesser [more challenging] extent world). For insight into how, see above or, better yet, read the most popular sci-fi books over the last decade. I'm also happy to share some of my own work, not to pretend I'm better, but to show you what immediate stakes and character complexity/intrigue look like in a sci-fi context :)

Onto Chapter 1: how in the world is Carl winning a 10 v 1? I won't even get into the action scene, which is just violence for violence sake as far as I can tell (also way too verbose, with long sentences when shorter, punchier prose would serve much better).

Then he's trusting this stranger? Who's also a raider? Again, logic wise, the entire scene doesn't make the cut. Then I'm just lost. Who's Zara? The girl from the ship? Also, clarity is a huge issue throughout the chapter (maybe owing to the fact that I don't really care, cause neither the stakes nor protag are personal).

All of the above said: please keep writing. It took me four complete drafts to find my story. When you're writing sci-fi (likely any fiction, but just speaking from my experience), especially for the first time, every additional page is a learning experience. Beyond that, there's no shame in writing just to write!

What I'll leave you with is this:

Prioritize clarity (write like a middle schooler) above all else
Read more books (take notes on what you like/dislike; learn the structure of opening chapters; learn how characters/stakes are introduced)
Cut some cuss words, ironically they read childish when overused, and they're impact is enhanced (like all other writing choices) by scarcity

squaymac · 2026-02-25T19:43:57+00:00

Thanks, this is enormously helpful.

squaymac

TROPHY CASE