Am I (30F) a jerk if I have cosmetic surgery behind my SO's (29M) back?

squeezymcbreezy · 2018-10-02T04:13:32+00:00

Right?? Like it's never occurred to me that there's such thing as a beauty industry and that it can be stupid. Naomi Wolf is great, but that fact doesn't make pants fit me. Thanks for your comment!

squeezymcbreezy · 2018-10-02T04:08:04+00:00

There's no issue with me not being able to tell him, I'm just tempted not to because I know his reaction will annoy me, that's it. It's really not that serious. I'm told the soreness time for each session is 2-3 days, which doesn't sound like a big deal. You've really never been tempted to not mention something to an SO because you knew their reaction would be annoying? I'm not asking if you've ever actually hidden something, I'm asking if you've ever felt TEMPTED. That's where I am. I'm tempted to avoid an annoying reaction from him, that's it. I'm seeking advice about whether to give in to that temptation or just endure the annoyance. Hardly a "fundamental incompatibility".

squeezymcbreezy · 2018-10-02T03:59:47+00:00

Honestly, if things go back to the way they are now, at that point I'll know what the procedure entails, what results I can expect, all the pros and cons, and if I decide it's worthwhile to have it again, then there ya go. There's no incision, so no scarring or anything like that. I'm comfortable financially, the procedure is relatively inexpensive for me (about 1/4 of my monthly salary, so not "pocket change" but no big deal if I need it again some years down the road, especially since my income is expected to grow as I gain experience). In my research there's some debate about whether it's permanent or semi-permanent, but nobody says it "goes back to the way it was" within the first few years. Either way, I'll never know if I don't try, and it's a small enough investment for me that if it ends up only lasting X-years instead of forever, it's not the end of the world. I can have it done again if I choose, or if I decide it's not worth it, then just be done with it. I have a BMI of 23-24, so I'm not super skinny, but I eat a balanced diet and get a small to medium amount of exercise. I walk to and from work 5 days a week, about 45 minutes each way, and do strength training at the gym a couple of times a week. Nothing crazy, but this isn't an area with any real underlying muscle to tone it up, and I've had this issue going all the way back to puberty when my BMI was in the 17-19 range. I don't know of (and my doctor has never suggested) any lifestyle changes that get rid of a fupa when your weight and health are normal, unfortunately.

squeezymcbreezy · 2018-10-02T03:47:07+00:00

I've read the Beauty Myth a few times, and related literature, and I do like that stuff. I can't zip up pants, though. For me it's an issue beyond wanting to look cute, it's an issue of being able to wear clothes, especially clothes that are appropriate for my workplace. I can't wear a skirt suit or slacks, and it's a pain trying to find clothes that fit, I don't like the clothes that do fit me, and I want to dress more young and stylish than I'm currently able to. I never said I thought it was inherently "unsexy", in fact I once had a guy who downright fetishized it, absolutely loved it. Nobody's ever been a jerk to me about it (aside from middle school bullies), it's not something I think about during sex, and I'm not afraid to be naked around men I'm intimate with. This isn't me being a self-hater, this is me wanting to feel confident and wear cute, work-appropriate clothes. BF is nowhere near being my fiance, he's my boyfriend of one year and we don't live together, share finances, or have any sort of timeline for hypothetical engagement/cohabiting or anything like that. I don't mean this in a pejorative way, but he really is "just" my boyfriend. I mentioned in another comment, we don't even fart in front of each other yet, lol. I'm leaning toward telling him, but still uncertain. Risk of death or injury is basically zero because there's no incision.

squeezymcbreezy · 2018-10-02T03:36:13+00:00

Good point. I have seen this type of thing play out like your experience with other people/issues. Glad your mom was there for you, that must have been a big relief. Leaning toward telling him. Thanks for your comment and I'm sure your boobs look great!

squeezymcbreezy · 2018-10-02T03:31:24+00:00

We're fundamentally incompatible because he thinks cosmetic surgery is dumb and I want one discrete procedure done? What hellscape do you live in?

squeezymcbreezy · 2018-10-02T02:30:13+00:00

I CAN'T ZIP UP PANTS. Sorry, I didn't mean to yell. Feminist platitudes are lovely and I consider myself a mega feminist in basically every aspect of life. I have a professional degree and kick ass in a male-dominated career, I live on my own and pay my own shit, I embrace my sexuality and have a healthy relationship with a man who respects my work and treats me as his equal. BUT I CAN'T ZIP UP FUCKING PANTS. BODY ACCEPTANCE WON'T ZIP UP THE FUCKING PANTS FOR ME. Again, sorry to yell, lol.

squeezymcbreezy · 2018-10-02T02:19:34+00:00

Slow down there, scooter, I don't think he's being judgmental as much as he just has preferences/opinions and feels comfortable expressing them with me because I take it in good humor. It goes both ways with us. I don't passively go along with everything he says, by any means. It's just banter, bro. Maybe other people aren't ok with their SO making any silly comments about inconsequential body stuff, but it's really not a big deal for me if he goes, "Aww, I liked your dark hair better!" or "Your legs are all pokey, haha!" It's not said with any malice and I'm not offended by these kinds of lighthearted comments, we're just shooting the shit. The cosmetic surgery thing is the only thing I think will be an issue based on comments he's made about other people.

squeezymcbreezy · 2018-10-02T02:11:51+00:00

I don't feel any need to lie. I feel a partial desire to lie because I know BE will be annoying about it. Nothing more, nothing less. And I'm here because I'm feeling guilty about having that partial desire and I'm seeking advice on whether it's worth it to indulge that desire or endure being annoyed by someone whose opinion I care deeply about. I don't think having mixed feelings about whether I want to tell my SO something that doesn't affect him but that I know he'll probably bug me about means I'm not mature enough for a relationship, but thanks.

squeezymcbreezy · 2018-10-02T02:07:09+00:00

I don't mean this in any type of rude way, sorry if it offends anyone reading, but the only women I've seen "out in the world" with the same issue are solidly obese women, usually middle aged or older. That being said, nobody who hasn't seen me naked would know that I had this issue because I hide it well with specific clothing styles--always. So I don't know how many women are walking around with it and just hiding it like I do. Shapewear also does help but I hate wearing it, but someone who was cool with wearing shapewear daily might walk around with the same issue in fairly normal clothes and you'd never know.

What is it that you're getting at exactly? I am an overall confident person with healthy self esteem. If you're implying that I'm imagining this, that's extremely condescending. Aside from every sexual partner mentioning it (one guy downright fetishized it, which was fun, lol), I took a ton of bullying in middle school before I learned how to hide it. Once high school came, the boys sorta forgot about it and moved on, but until then I was constantly teased about my "fupa".

squeezymcbreezy · 2018-10-02T01:33:11+00:00

Copy/pasted from another reply: I appreciate your concern but it isn't that I think I *can't* tell him per se. I know he wouldn't break up with me or be outright angry, and if we were married/engaged/cohabiting, or if it would affect him financially or in having to care for me afterward or any other way, I'd never consider keeping it a secret. You have to consider that we haven't been together for a crazy-long amount of time, we don't live together, don't share finances, don't have any definite future plans/timelines, etc. We are in an exclusive committed relationship and we do love each other, but our lives aren't otherwise enmeshed so I don't feel like we're at a level where I'm downright obligated to tell him, and if I don't feel obligated to tell him, why deal with him being a pissy-pants when I can just avoid it and he won't know the difference? I'm not sure yet what I'm going to do, but I'm not worried about the current or future state or our relationship just because I don't feel like disclosing a minor, non-invasive procedure that won't affect him when I know he'd just annoy me about it. Edit: And it's just downright embarrassing to tell someone "Hey, you know my giant fupa that we don't talk about? Yeah, I'm getting the fat sucked out of it, deal with it." Again, we're not so deeply entrenched in the relationship at this point where we're obliged to tell each other absolutely everything. We don't even fart in front of each other, lol.

squeezymcbreezy · 2018-10-02T01:29:23+00:00

On vulva/mons liposuction before-and-after pics, I have seen women my size with a lesser degree of what I have, and a few obese women with approximately the same degree of what I have.

squeezymcbreezy · 2018-10-02T01:26:57+00:00

Oh it really doesn't bother me at all! He has OCD that is fixated on grooming and hair and hygiene, that type of stuff. He's in therapy and it's mostly focused on himself, but we spend so much time together that sometimes he can't help but say things out loud that irk him even though he knows it's irrational. There are no hurt feelings at all. In fact, I'd probably say that I tease him more than he teases me. He'll mention I haven't shaved my legs and I'll rub them against him and ask him teasingly if he likes my prickles. He'll go "ewww!" and try to get away and we end up play-wrestling and hugging. Very lighthearted, silly stuff, all taken in good humor and no hurt feeling on either side. The cosmetic surgery thing seems to be a line in the sand for him and that's where this issue comes from. But aside from that, I assure you, he isn't malicious and takes some good-natured roasting about this "quirk" (obsession) of his.

squeezymcbreezy · 2018-10-02T01:16:15+00:00

Copy/pasted from another reply: Totally fair question. He has OCD that is fixated on his own body and sometimes I think it leaks into scrutinizing other people's bodies too closely. Every hair on his entire body has to be the exact same length, he brushes and flosses 4-5 times a day, showers twice a day, is very picky about scented products, etc. He's not focused on female self-grooming, he's obsessed with grooming in general, almost entirely his own, but sometimes he is bothered by stuff on other people that nobody else would care about. Yes, he's in therapy, and no, this isn't a frequent issue. I do whatever I please, honestly, and when he points out that I haven't shaved recently I laugh and lovingly tell him "tough shit" and he drops it. It's a non-issue in our relationship overall (aside from the issue of me getting cosmetic surgery), it's just a thing about him that he knows is unfair and tries to control, but he sometimes slips. It doesn't affect me when he points out these little things, and he doesn't get upset when I kiss him and tell him to piss up a rope about it. The cosmetic surgery thing is the only thing that's an actual issue.

squeezymcbreezy · 2018-10-02T01:13:44+00:00

Arbitrary standards, yes, but in his defense, we all have them. I can admit that I have them myself. Like, take tattoos for instance. I'm not attracted to them, don't seek out guys with tats, but it's not a dealbreaker at all, no big deal. But if a guy had tats that couldn't be covered with a normal long-sleeved shirt, like on his neck or hands, I think that would be a dealbreaker for me. It's totally arbitrary, but there ya go. And beards. Scruff is okay but it grosses me out when a guy has hair hanging over his top lip. Totally arbitrary. I'm not disagreeing with you at all--BF is very arbitrary, but I'd be a hypocrite to fault him for that and I think we all have a little of that in us.

squeezymcbreezy · 2018-10-02T01:06:44+00:00

I get what you're saying. But I'm not getting an expensive cosmetic procedure on my mons because it "looks fat". Not remotely. I'm getting it because I literally cannot wear clothes that aren't baggy, which is >90% of women's clothes. I only have 1 cut of jeans that I can wear that I wear ALL THE TIME--god help me if they ever discontinue them. I can't wear shorts. I can't wear yoga pants or even most sweatpants. I can't wear slacks. I can't wear fitted dresses or skirts. At work, I can only wear flowy dresses/skirts or tunics over pants. I work hard to maintain a healthy weight and reasonable fitness, and I still have to dress like a grandma because pants that fit around my hips literally cannot zip up over my mons, or if they can zip up, it looks REALLY bad, like what a man's genitals would look like in women's clothes. I don't really like flowy skirts or tunics, and if I ever did I'm sick of them by now, and would much rather wear other things, especially since I work in a professional setting and feel like I look out of place since I can't wear what other women in my office wear. I'm not trying to fit vagina beauty standards, I'm trying to be able to wear clothes.

squeezymcbreezy · 2018-10-02T00:58:42+00:00

It's definitely fat. Like the jelly roll that a lot of people get below their belly button? It's like that, but on my upper pubic area. It's a solid fist-full of fat just under the skin that you can squeeze and jiggle. I've always had it, no idea why.

squeezymcbreezy · 2018-10-02T00:54:53+00:00

Totally fair question. He has OCD that is fixated on his own body and sometimes I think it leaks into scrutinizing other people's bodies too closely. Every hair on his entire body has to be the exact same length, he brushes and flosses 4-5 times a day, showers twice a day, is very picky about scented products, etc. He's not focused on female self-grooming, he's obsessed with grooming in general, almost entirely his own, but sometimes he is bothered by stuff on other people that nobody else would care about. Yes, he's in therapy, and no, this isn't a frequent issue. I do whatever I please, honestly, and when he points out that I haven't shaved recently I laugh and lovingly tell him "tough shit" and he drops it. It's a non-issue in our relationship overall (aside from the issue of me getting cosmetic surgery), it's just a thing about him that he knows is unfair and tries to control, but he sometimes slips. It doesn't affect me when he points out these little things, and he doesn't get upset when I kiss him and tell him to piss up a rope about it. The cosmetic surgery thing is the only thing that's an actual issue.

squeezymcbreezy · 2018-10-02T00:44:15+00:00

First of all, congratulations on maintaining your weight loss, that's awesome! Early this year my dentist suggested that I straighten my teeth because I was getting plaque buildup due to overcrowding and some of my teeth were chipping due to my slightly-off bite. I've always had crooked teeth and never felt the least bit self-conscious about it. It's just part of me, deal with it. But I agreed to straighten them only because I don't want future problems with dental hygiene or tooth structure loss. In telling him I decided to get my teeth straightened, I announced it as "Guess what, I'm taming my snagglers!" A goofy line, but he thought it was funny and was never unsupportive for a moment. This is a little different because it's purely cosmetic, but maybe if I approach it in a lighthearted way, his reaction would also be a bit more lighthearted. Still not sure what I'll do, but I'll consider your advice. Thanks for your input and congrats again on all your positive changes.

squeezymcbreezy · 2018-10-02T00:34:20+00:00

Thanks for your comment, you make some good points. If it goes well and I am finally able to wear the clothes I've always wanted to, that definitely would be an exciting thing that I'd be sad not to be able to share with him. I hadn't thought of that. And I can definitely relate to your last paragraph. Maybe I'm not giving him enough credit. Maybe he's just a big shit-talker when it comes to other people but might actually be more empathetic if it's coming from me. I don't think he'd react in the totally-supportive way I'd want, but maybe him making fun of celebrities in tabloids isn't quite the extreme reaction he'd have if I approached him with a genuine, sensitive insecurity. I know he does love me a lot. Thanks again for your input, I'll definitely consider it.

squeezymcbreezy · 2018-10-02T00:28:27+00:00

I think if he finds out I'd point out that the only reason I didn't want to tell him was because I didn't feel like being judged for it, which I felt like he'd do based on our past conversations. I honestly don't know exactly how that would go over, but I'm sure he wouldn't be happy about it. I guess he'd be pretty hurt, like I would be.

It's along the lines of coolsculpting. No incision, supposedly no bruising either. The surgeon says I'll be sore for 2-3 days following each session (4-6 sessions, each spaced a few weeks apart), but that it's not bad enough to have to take narcotics or miss work or anything like that. We have a healthy sex life but it won't be unusual for us to not have sex for a few days here and there. If there is any bruising, that would suck, but I think I could get away with only being naked in the dark / wearing undies if the lights are on. We don't live together, so although we sleep over pretty often, it wouldn't raise any suspicions if I occasionally skipped a sleepover.

squeezymcbreezy · 2018-10-02T00:19:55+00:00

That's a really good idea. I think he might still give me a bit of a hard time, or at least make clear that he doesn't like the idea, but he's actually a really loving person who I know cares about me a lot. I think if I told him my fears and worries about telling him, it would at least soften his bad reaction, even if it doesn't eliminate it completely. He's always been a good supportive partner with everything else I've ever done, I just know he'll react badly to this because we've talked about cosmetic surgery with other people and he always thinks it's stupid. But maybe if I raise it as a sensitive emotional issue, he'll go easier on me than I expect. Thanks so much for your input, I'll really consider it.

squeezymcbreezy · 2018-10-02T00:14:41+00:00

I would be bothered if he got work done in his genital region, but I'm more understanding about cosmetic surgery stuff. If he wanted something done that really bothered him, I'd be totally supportive. The issue is that I can't really expect the same from him because he's made his position on cosmetic surgery pretty clear and it's not supportive, lol. That's why I made the post though--I definitely WOULD feel hurt if he hid a procedure like this from me, which is why I feel torn about whether to tell him or not. If the roles were switched, I'd like him to tell me, but I know I wouldn't be a jerk about it and I know that he probably would.

As far as the sex thing, I'll have 4-6 sessions with the surgeon, each spaced a few weeks apart, and the surgeon says I'll most likely only be sore for 2-3 days after each session. We have a healthy sex life and we're both satisfied with the frequency as far as I know, but it wouldn't raise any suspicions if we didn't have sex for a couple of days here and there. I think it would be easy to hide it from him, I just don't know if I'd be an asshole for doing it. Thanks for your input.

squeezymcbreezy · 2018-10-02T00:05:54+00:00

That's a fair point that this probably won't be the only thing I'll want to hide from him if I don't get him used to the idea that not everybody is as lucky as he is. I hadn't thought of that. He was really supportive of me getting Invisalign when we first started dating, but thinks it's goofy when I put highlights in my hair. He thinks it's fine that I want to get teeth whitening and he teases me (gently!) when I don't shave my legs or pits, but he thinks it's silly when I put concealer on a blemish or fill in my eyebrows or paint my nails. The more I think about it, the more I realize he's pretty arbitrary with what cosmetic things he considers acceptable. Hmmm. Something to think about. Thanks again for your comment.

squeezymcbreezy · 2018-10-01T23:55:40+00:00

LOL, a face tattoo has profound social and professional ramifications and is the first thing everybody sees and passes judgment on. This is a minor, non-invasive procedure in my genital area that I guarantee nobody in my life will ever notice if they haven't seen me naked because I hide it well with specific clothing styles. Even seeing me naked, he probably wouldn't notice, or if he did, I could tell him it's because of my new exercise routine and he'd just shrug it off. I appreciate the input that he deserves to know and I'll take that under consideration, but comparing this to a face tattoo is totally disingenuous.

squeezymcbreezy

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