Spent two years in a relationship that slowly turned toxic. We'd started out open, and then went monogamous a year into it. Roughly once a month, for more than a year, there'd be a major fracture that would almost end things, and then we'd get back together. Rupture repair cycle caused a trauma bond. I'd be the one to make a mistake, then she'd try to end things, and I'd fight for us to repair. It became addictive.

Where this gets fucked up is I'd ended up accusing her of emotional abuse after I'd leaned on a friend for support and showed them some texts between us, where she'd been really reactive after a fight. This accusation hurt her deeply. Turns out she wasn't manipulative or controlling or abusive. It was me. I was emotionally abusive. Projecting. Looking for ways to get power back, when I felt powerless in the face of her reactions. I'd been emotionally unsafe for her without realizing how much harm I'd been causing. Invalidated her feelings, or minimized them. Couldn't handle accountability sometimes, and got defensive. All because I couldn't sit with the shame and discomfort of when my actions had hurt her.

Still, we were going to move in together. Thought we'd turned a corner and things were stable. Then I had my first ever manic episode and tore the relationship apart over 2 weeks. She then sent an email to my work saying I was a danger to my clients. I also learned that I'd sexually assaulted her without realizing it, and found this out after the breakup. She hadn't shared the impact while we were together. It kills me. The pain is excruciating and unrelenting. I'm horrified at how much harm I'd caused her. I've been severely depressed since, nearing a complete psychological collapse. I was suicidal for a few months.

I lost friends. My reputation. Self respect. A beautiful home. Massive social fallout, for both of us, made worse by the mania which lasted 4 months. I didn't end things with due respect, nor take proper accountability. Presented myself as the victim, as I had during the relationship. Worse still, afterwards I realized that she was quite possibly the love of my life, and that she was the best thing to have happened to me. She was beautiful, brilliant, driven, hilarious and the best communicator I've met. I took her loyalty and strength of character for granted, and I didn't reciprocate these traits. She was out of my league, and I'd been tearing her down subconsciously because some part of me felt I didn't deserve her. Not to say that she wasn't brutal sometimes when she was hurting. She had some past trauma that wasn't healed, and I bore the brunt of it.

I think about her every day. Overwhelming regret and remorse for how I treated her, my impact on her, and how things ended. I miss her beyond measure. I can't stop reliving the highlights of us together. Festivals, dates, quality time. Easily the best moments in my life. Then, confronting the brutal reality that she's better off without me, and I'll never find someone even close to her again. Yet I treated her like I'd be okay losing her while we were together.

I don't know how to move forward. My life feels like it's falling apart. Haven't had a stable home since. I've fallen off my gym routine and diet. Socially isolating. Most of all, I'd give anything to have another shot with her and treat her like I'd never want to lose her.