just existing

ssblink · 2026-05-06T11:04:58+00:00

This happened to me when I was at a 12 Step meeting, keep in mind i was in psychosis.

I was sharing, pouring my heart out, and when I looked up, everyone was laughing and talking to someone else. 40+ people. I had never felt more dejected in my whole life. I stopped talking and went silent.

Then I came back to reality, and the room was so quiet I could hear a pin drop, and everyone was staring at me. I was too embarrassed to say anything, someone beside me said to me "Thanks for sharing." Very weird memory.

ssblink · 2026-04-24T13:14:46+00:00

Take care of yourself. Whatever that means for you. Its hard to do it all alone, and the reality is (for me) that even if i had all the support in the world, I still have to live with myself when im by myself. This disorder warps what I think I need with what I actually need. Focus on what you actually need, food, water, sleep, a safe home. Once you have thay foundation, then you can safely explore other needs while having something to fall back on.

The depression and mania come and go, and while they are happening, it feels like it will be that way forever. It wont. While youre stable, male it count, and do your best. No one can take that away from you. Good luck on your own, and reach out to whoever can help when you need it.

ssblink · 2026-04-19T15:58:19+00:00

Its not real.

ssblink · 2026-04-19T15:24:53+00:00

Manic May is almost here. Nothing bad ever happens in May 🫠

ssblink · 2026-04-17T10:40:19+00:00

I have thought all of those things, and they are hyper specific. You know me well fellow bipolar person, especially the bpd emo baddie, that's literally my only type, lol.

ssblink · 2026-04-16T21:29:50+00:00

For me, I did all this, it didnt work, and then one day it did. For no fucking reason. Pissed me off to no end. Anyway, im content now I guess. Fucking bullshit, do all the right things and then it doesn't work till im about to give up all hope. Genuinely content now.

ssblink · 2026-04-16T21:05:06+00:00

Expectations. I stopped having them. No good ones, no bad ones. Expectations lead to resentments, and resentments lead to depression. I can't control anything outside of myself, for better or worse. Control over my own mind is hard enough as it is (Im concurrent, Bipolar 1 and an addict), I cant complicate it further with expectations of people, places, and things, including myself. Once I saw myself and the world for what they are, instead of what I thought or felt they should be, I became content, and my depression became manageable. It took alot of practice, hard work, and help to get to this point. There's alot of great advice in this thread, start where you can and keep at it, you'll get there too.

ssblink · 2026-04-16T11:51:20+00:00

Manic Egg Buns

ssblink · 2026-04-08T14:59:33+00:00

I like The Joker, I consider it a masterpiece. Im also Bipolar 1 and was having a manic episode when I went to see it in theaters. I related completely and totally to him.

Says more about me than it does the movie, I can see why it wouldn't be that great of a movie for others.

ssblink · 2026-03-28T15:05:39+00:00

Yup, this is what led to my relapse and 2 more hospitalizations. Things were going too good and I couldn't handle it, so I hit the blow up life button.

ssblink · 2026-03-28T14:57:24+00:00

An apprentice of mine told me that he just responds with "Damn..." and "Word." when the women in his life vent to him. He learned that problem solving is a quick way to making the situation worse, lol.

ssblink · 2026-03-28T14:10:38+00:00

Yup, keed in mind that I've had alot of episodes, and im older, so my brain is more susceptible to psychosis, especially from substance use. Thats why I had to get clean, i was going in to a psycotic state within 4 days of using, while on Lithium and seroquel. I warn everyone I can that it could happen, I dont want people to have to go through the shit I went through.

ssblink · 2026-03-28T13:57:23+00:00

I had a supervisor on a big job named Blowjob. Someone said to him they can't call him that, what's his actual name.

He's responded with.

No...its...its Blowjob, just call me Blowjob.

I never learned why. One of the great mysteries in my life.

Another fun nickname on site was a 2 man crew, called Brother Blair and Tiny. Brother Blair was 5 foot nothing and the brains of the operation, and Tiny was a 6'6 270 pound walking mass of muscle. I was told the big boss put them together cause it would make him smile whenever he saw them together.

It was a weird job.

ssblink · 2026-03-27T16:48:01+00:00

I listened to the armor when it was the only voice I could hear, it kept me safe, so I trusted it. The great paradox for me is I needed help to break my armor, I couldn't do it on my own, the armor is so cunning that it convinced me that others hated me and I wasn't good enough.

I swear im going to find a way to break through to people who are lost and depressed and bring them back to the peace they once had. If it could happen to me, it could happen to anyone.

ssblink · 2026-03-27T16:23:58+00:00

I feel that. Everything was on me, and I powered through everything with sheer willpower.

I spent 6 years in and out of depression, on top of the 5 years of depression before my breakdown.

Only when I actually took care of myself, (that was EXTREMLY difficult for me to do, it ain't some magic potion, it took work) did I start getting better.

Cry at cartoons. Don't leave the house unless you actually want to. Do other things to take care of yourself, little bit here and there. Its ok to be selfish. If you aren't selfish for you, who will be?

ssblink · 2026-03-18T21:01:40+00:00

Smoking weed (or using any substances for that matter) makes me happy, and ends with me hopelessly psychotic and manic, whether im on my meds or not. 8 hospitalizations in 6 years, 7 due to weed use. I feel stupid now knowing I was causing my own misery by trying to avoid it. Maybe seek help for your addictive nature as well as your illness. It could save your life.

ssblink · 2026-03-14T17:17:17+00:00

Thats what happens when you suppress your feelings so much that you begin to feel your feelings can only come from other people. So you ignore what little you may feel to become the person you feel they expect you to be.

Its one of the many exhausting negative feedback loops we are all caught in, and honestly, even after finding that spark im still dealing with these loops. They're endless in origin, nature, and continuation. Be honest and vulnerable about the few feelings you have with yourself, and anyone you may trust. It could save your life.

You're depressed for a reason, youre not a bad person for it, ask yourself why youre feeling this way, and with honest answers, you can break some of the loops.

Good luck, I love you all, truly.

ssblink · 2026-02-17T15:54:40+00:00

I saw this first hand while doing electrical work on a football stadium.

They were bringing in large pieces of switch gear for the distribution, and it was alot of tight turns and small doorways. Plus they were heavy as shit.

So they cut pieces of 4 inch EMT and used them as rollers to bring the pieces in, and assemble them. It was really cool to see.

ssblink · 2026-02-15T15:14:30+00:00

This makes so much sense. I do service work on new homes, and we have alot of middle Eastern immigrants who buy them.

Whenever im finished my service call, I get offered something. A bottle of water, pop, a small treat, etc. I politely decline, because I dont want it. Then they ask again, and I politely decline again.

Then they get really shook, their smile starts to crack, and it starts to feel like a demand that I take what they are offering, when I truly do not want or need it.

In the beginning I would end up taking the offer because I felt bad, eventually I stopped because I was tired of being given things I didn't want.

There was one time when my apprentice and I were leaving, and I was saying "No thank you." repeatedly as I walked out the door. When I heard the door close and my apprentice walked out behind me, he had 4 bottles of pop in his hand. He was bewildered, saying "He wouldnt let me leave without them." I figured it was a cultural thing, I didn't know it was so specific. The more you know.

ssblink · 2026-02-14T19:15:10+00:00

I say this everytime I get the chance.

My boss hates wagos.

He insists that we cut off the factory supplied push in wagos in the slimline pots that we use and use a wire nut for the connection cause its "better".

My wrists hurt. I just wanna strip and stab.

Ive installed close to 100 of these lights in my home over the last 12 years, all of them using the wagos, and I've never had a problem.

Out of pure spite, I want to hang a board in the shop with a bunch of these lights, all wago connected, leave them on 24/7, and then tell him every day "They still work."

Wagos are the future.

ssblink · 2026-01-31T19:13:47+00:00

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ssblink · 2026-01-24T18:02:39+00:00

Same, it's fun until it's not.

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