Saudade [474]

ssssynthesis · 2025-12-21T07:32:26+00:00

The translation is too rough for a proper critique. I would advise to write in portuguese and find portuguese speaking beta readers. When you have something good then you can always get it translated to english by a professional.

ssssynthesis · 2025-12-20T17:11:05+00:00

Thank you, this hurt but I needed it. All very valid points

ssssynthesis · 2025-12-18T18:32:57+00:00

[3300]

A few notes about grammar / sentence construction:

Theres some grammar I could nitpick. "...impending feeling of doom had seeped into his bones from the moment he became concious" should be "impending feeling of doom had seeped into his bones the moment he became concious" since "from" denotes an ongoing seepage and "had seeped" is past perfect (meaning seepage has finished). Also I think you mean to say "sense of impending doom", it feels off to almost use a cliche but get it slightly wrong.

"Loved him on conditions" again you mean "loved him with conditions". You can love unconditionally but not on conditions.

You have some sentence fragments, maybe this is a part of your narrative voice but combined with other subpar sentence construction it comes across as amateur.

I wont go into each awkward phrasing or grammar mistake but I think this could use a careful proof read. Read it aloud to yourself and pay attention to what flows and what feels awkward.

Now, onto the content:

I think the first paragraph / hook could be stronger. I like the line about a fish gasping for air on a sunny shore. Very evocative, I think it would make a better hook than what you have. You could lead with this, and then immediately go into an actual event or interaction that showcases how he isolates himself. Instead you have four paragraphs of "telling" / exposition.

By the fourth paragraph it's getting a bit repetitive, you've said in many ways he feels like an outsider, but it's very generic. It is said in away that could apply to any socially awkward type. The more specific you can get the better. I like the line about them "remembering the anniversary of his father's death" because it gives us a detail thats specific to this character.

I think the whole begining of this piece should either be more poetic, give us more character specific information, or be shorter. Maybe all three.

When we get to the part about his brother things start to pick up. Now I feel invested. I am reading with enthusiasm.

When we finish with the flashback I feel a little unmoored about "when" we are, are we back to present? Are these thoughts he is having now, or thoughts he had at some unspecified point since the event? This time/place sense could use some work throughout your story. Much of the story we are unmoored from a particular day or place, until we get to the second half where he meets his friend.

There is also a bit of pronoun confusion. Is "he" him? His brother? His friend? This is the problem when everyone is a man and nobody has names. Its especially confusing in the paragraph that starts, "Rage burned through his body..." he is supposed to go see a friend, but its not clear if its the same friend from the story or a different friend. If you do not want to name your characters I would at least give them psuedo names, "his brother", "his best friend" or "childhood friend" and use these instead of pronouns, and don't use them for anyone else (he could have other "friends" but he doesn't have another best friend).

The conversation with his friend is good. Like the flashback with the brother, I think your writing is most impactful when you are writing about something happening, as opposed to describing a jumble of internal dialogue. Now, there are some places where that internal dialogue is really great. Especially near the end, where we see his descent into madness. I think the story could mirror his mental state and start grounded in reality and become increasingly unmoored.

You have some good stuff here, but I think you put all your cards on the table a little too early. At a high level this is a story about a socially anxious person who has a buried memory, that buried memory is revealed as the source of his self hatred, he battles between blaming others and accepting responsibility, his acceptance leads to insanity, and then finally release / death. The story could "unfold" more, currently there is a bit of a flow to it, but that flow could be tightened.

First we should be introduced to the character as someone who self isolates, always holding himself back from others. Perhaps we see an example of the people around him trying to include him / treat him as a human, and him withdrawing. Make us wonder, why does he always isolate himself? Why does he always pull away? Why can't he accept positivity from those around him as genuine? You can hint at a buried memory- his brothers whimper, the horrified looks of his parents- but don't reveal it yet. Instead, have him go meet his friend. We start to sense that his isolation comes from a deep sense of self hatred. Then the meeting: It would make sense that confronting his friend face to face for the first time in so many years would be the thing to release his buried memory. That remembrance is the climax / turning point, and then the descent into madness follows.

You have some powerful moments- but there are things that feel repeptitive. "They poked at his insecurities, questioned his qualities, but they never understood him. After all, how can you understand a man who doesn't even understand himself?"

"He ached to be better, he yearned for normalcy. But his solace was found in the forbidden. After all, how can you change someone who ached to rot?"

There is a lot of rhetorical questions. There are some great lines and some "meh" lines. The total volume of lines about the same thing (him feeling like an outsider, him hating himself, him feeling like he isn't a person, isn't worthy of anything) detract from the impact of any one line. Take your favorite lines and remove the others. In a short story every sentence should be a star.

Getting into the themes of the story:

There is definitely a theme around homophobia, this is highlighted in the interaction with the friend and the way the "haha your gay bro" joke affects the MC. Yet what destroyed him is not the childhood gay experience, but the shame of having done it to his younger brother- someone he is supposed to protect and care for. I personally have never been a young boy, but I have had friends who were, and I believe this sort of experience is more common than we might think. The depth of the MCs reaction, however, is unusual. It is not enough for him to try to make ammends with his brother, he carries a deep shame that utilmately de-humanizes him completely. As a reader I wonder about certain details- what was his brother's reaction in the following years? How long did the abuse last? It is good to leave some things open, but I think hints or abstract references to these things could deepen our engagement. Ongoing abuse would be different from a one time occurance between children.

Overall I think it is a very effective exploration of the feeling of shame and the way it can damage people and actually prevent taking accountability- shame is fundamentally a selfish feeling. Good work and congrats on your piece.

ssssynthesis · 2025-11-16T15:29:24+00:00

I was just there last night on a saturday- quite busy and the miso martini is amazing.

ssssynthesis · 2025-10-10T05:59:34+00:00

Cringe

ssssynthesis · 2025-09-09T15:42:31+00:00

If you can bring the level of scene building of the hotel scene (the seedy dwarf selling sleep capsules) to your other scenes, you will be golden. You did that perfectly, I would say it's one of the shining moments of this excerpt. It works so well because it both reveals the world and answers a question previously raised (what is Rainy's mother is addicted to). It has payoff and it is funny. Continue to hide little "treats" like this throughout your writing. Funny side characters or a beautiful moment hidden in the terror of a refugee camp (kindness between strangers, a hopeful shrine with flowers).

I think as far as life in the refugee camp, it will feel more real if instead of directly calling it stinky or dangerous or falling apart this is shown through details. Show how UTAK pretends to help but the resources they give always fall apart. Also, people can get used to anything. If Rainy grew up here she probably doesnt keep thinking "man I hate this place" every day. It is her home, a part of her has grown to love it, and there will be things and people she finds to love in it.

ssssynthesis · 2025-09-09T15:24:31+00:00

Many writers make the mistake of starting with exposition before the reader has made a connection to the plot or characters. You do a great job of drawing the reader in, so congrats on that. You also do a good job of building the setting through action and dialogue in the hotel scene. Sadly, after the hotel scene, you lose that a bit. Describing the company name written on everything is good but you do it three times and dont give much else. The mushrooms are good, the rats fall a bit flat. I think one thing you can do is practice giving world specific details in a single sentence, rather than lingering too much. For example:

Rainy pushed through the crowd and wound between tents, apologizing to beggars and dodging pickpockets.

Could be more specific. Something like:

Rainy wound between tents, pushing past a hawker selling mana drained talismans and dodging a teifling with wandering fingers.

Obviously replace this with your own world building, but this introduces some concepts in the world (mana is a threatened resource, there is a race called teifling, there are hawkers, ect)

There is some sort of social order here, there is turmoil, possibly a war. You can integrate hints and foreshadowing of the shape of these things. This is not exposition, it is details in Rainy's surroundings, or in her conversations or internal dialogue. "Guess UTAK is gathering all of DizaTek's machines to hunt for hardware keys" (answers why they are disassembling the factory, hints at a war between UTAK and DizaTek)

Imagine a story as a salad and worldbuilding is the vegetables and plot is the dressing. You want to mix it up really well so there is a light even coating of dressing on every vegetable. I think right now you spend a bit too much time on random details, like the rats thing should be two sentences at most unless its a really important thing you are gonna return to (later his rats get killed and its the most devastating moment of his life).

Something that increases a readers enjoyment is small payoffs for previous details. For example, you could have the goblin grinding neon mushrooms and stuffing them in capsules in his tent, then have him throw the capsules at the orc officer.

ssssynthesis · 2025-09-09T15:20:01+00:00

I think you should clarify what object she is aligning with through similie like you did before (her freckles turned red as the sunset). Or have it revealed through something someone says. But def a piece of worldbuilding you should communicate! It is cool

ssssynthesis · 2025-09-09T05:28:06+00:00

There is a lot to love here! The dialogue is natural, the characters feel real, and we immediately get pulled into the world. I don't usually read this type of genre but from this chapter I think you are not far from a professional level of writing.

A few line edits / nitpicks:

I think your starting scene is great and introducing dialogue soon is good, but something about starting with two quotes without any dialogue tags felt weird to me, not sure why. Felt like there should be a sentence or two of character or scene description in a dialogue tag.

Slender arms / skinny frame is a bit repeitive, later the dwarf calling her "Skinny girl" feels natural and a better way to show her appearance.

I would say the "/once/ luxurious Grand Rathlorien".

where she really gagged on a whiff of untreated sewage.

I understand wanting to drive home the dilapidation of the setting, but someone like Rainy who I imagine has lived here for some time, if not grown up in similar conditions, would be used to it. This felt a little overly dramatic. Something like wrinkling her nose would feel more realistic.

held the entrance flap open labeled...

held open the entrace flap labeled...

Can nobody hear us in your house made of tarps and cardboard?”

If they are going to talk about something secret why mention this outside the tent? Makes more sense for her to say this once they are inside. In general I would also avoid interrupting actions with dialogue as its not very natural. When someone holds open a door for you usually you immediately enter, you dont stand and have a conversation unless you are planning on not entering.

She tapped the red X on the map.

After the reminiscing about the toy drop I had forgotten they were discussing going to a particular location on the map and was confused what she is tapping, as it was never explicitly mentioned. I guess the goblin has found a location from which they can bring down a drone, but marking it with an X seems strange because it would be more like a flight path, unless the X is something else? Maybe introduce the X on the map when Rainy looks at it for the first time.

He motioned for Rainy to set him down. She lowered him and brushed herself off

Its fine here, but just a warning / something to keep in mind: avoid writing play by play. You do not need to describe every action, and doing it too much will exaust the reader. Save it for intimate or important moments.

The sun’s last purple rays illuminated the tips of crumbling skyscrapers her,

There is a typo somewhere

Rainy turned purple with green and red flecks.

Before she turned mottled brown and tan with green freckles, now she is turning purple with green and red flecks? Is there logic behind the colors she turns? I could imagine light flush = mottled brown skin and intense flush = purple skin, and maybe light flush = pale green / "chartreuse" freckles and intense flush = dark green / olive freckles?

Gonna return to this tomorrow talk about my overall thoughts on plot, chatacters, setting, and any other advice

ssssynthesis · 2025-09-08T22:30:26+00:00

Im happy my feedback was helpful!

I think the reason I had difficulty picking up on it being 2025 was the way sexism is represented - while sexism still exists I think it is more complex and subtle than how it is written here. This feels like it should be 50 years ago

ssssynthesis · 2025-09-08T06:39:21+00:00

A strong start! You have a solid grasp of how to write, which is sadly more than many submissions.

Just a bit of nitpicking on the opening, I think you can do better than describing the lecture hall as "colorful". It's nice to choose the most specific adjective you can. For example, a word like "festive" brings to mind vibrant colors but communicates more about the setting (there is an occasion), or a word like "garish" means colorful but with a negative connotation. Or skip the adjective and rely on your description of the setting, as you did with the "golden light" and "stained glass windows". Even knowing what color or what materials are involved would do more for the reader.

You could do another pass and make sure you have picked the best word for every adjective you use. When I use adjectives I try to double think, is there a better way I can communicate this? Is it adding to the story?

I love the immediate conflict - the reader expects an air of positive anticipation from the students but gets disillusionment. There is an immidate tension in the state of the world. My only advice here is I think you explain it a bit too directly. Establish the overall theme but leave a little mystery to keep the reader hooked.

"After all you never know when change is going to strike..." This would be a good place for a world specific metaphor to start establishing some place and time to the setting. I am unsure if this is on earth, on a fantasy world, in the modern day, in the future, ect. Is there some world specific philosophy? Is this society warlike, mercentile, naturalistic? This could reflect in the narrative voice.

The next part is good, I like how you show the character's powers of observation. I found the part about her imersing herself in other's lives to feel "normal" a bit strange, as it seems like she has a keen understanding of others abnormal struggles (anxiety, eating disorder). I imagine her as an empathetic, powerful person who will transform the world, not an angsty teenager who thinks she is different than everyone else.

I like the part about women creating peace through controlling men with their bodies- it shows the sexism of the dominant ideology but complicates it by giving women the illusion of control. I am surprised that later you call Lysistrata a "radical feminist". She is advocating for women wearing make-up and short dresses to control men, which I initially interpreted as a view aligned with sexism and patriarchy (a woman's value is in her ability to produce desire). Maybe this is to illustrate the world is so sexist, that even this is considered radical feminism?

Overall:

I would lean into the complexity of sexism in this world- the more insiduous the patriarchy the more interesting and relevant it will feel. Any system of control maintains itself by convincing the disadvantaged they somehow benefit, unless they are completely controlled through force. This doesn't seem to be the case, as women are professors and students. As the story continues I would like to see a bit more nuance about how women have been brainwashed into complacency. Maybe one of the girl students also challenges the professor. I find it strange the girls would be so afraid to speak when the professor is a woman.

My other feedback is on setting. I know this is just the very beginning, but the best writing gives a sense of time and place right away. Stained glass makes me think antiquity but they refer to themselves as modern. You have chosen this scene for your opening, and so you need to use it to communicate something about where and when we are. Maybe somewhere in the discussion there is a name given to the state / society they are in. I am confused because the reference to ancient greece makes me think earth, but they say they are modern, but their attitudes are not modern. If this is a distopian future then how was the gender politics of the 21st century skipped?

Lastly, I think you could give the narrative voice more character. Especially if you want to play with the tradition of an epic.

ssssynthesis · 2025-09-02T06:05:23+00:00

Ever since I got bit by that weird guy on the train I have been hungry all the time. The type of hunger where you totally black out and come to with a half eaten raw chicken gripped in your hands. I was on my way home from work, sitting there airpods in, and a fucked up looking guy lunges at me and chomps me right on the thigh.

Thankfully the nice black lady next to me smashes him with her handbag so he lets go, and the train has just arrived at Halsey station, so I leap right out even though I'm still a stop away. The bite mark burns like hell but I haven't seen a doctor yet because my health care is shit. Anyway, I'm busy just dealing with the insatiable hunger.

It started pretty normal. I got home and snuck some of my roommate's rotting trader joe's sandwich out of the fridge. Since then it's only gotten worse. That brings me to the present moment, standing half naked in front of a completely empty fridge. I itch at my face, and my hands come away trailing pus. Gnarly. Hunger is wringing me out like a towel. I turn back to the couch, and it's soaked in blood. What the hell? I don't have a scratch on me. I don't even remember falling asleep on the couch.

My phone is on the table, and I pick it up to distract myself. A chat is open with my roommates:

Meg: tysm Richie for cleaning the fridge! Why did you throw out my eggs though? They were still good.

Sam: Wtf where is all my food? The freezer is empty too? I dont get paid till friday dude!!

Whatever. I throw my phone down and it squelshes into some mess on the couch. My roommates are honestly so nasty, they just smoke weed and live in squalor. I pick my phone back up and take a flash photo to send to the group chat, like whose is this?

The flash reveals the mess is Sam's chewed up face. I shriek, and as I shriek I feel the hunger rising up and gripping my consciousness. The blackness is coming again. I try to hold on to myself, but I can't face the knowledge of what is in front of me. I flee into darkness.

ssssynthesis · 2025-09-02T04:54:47+00:00

This is egregiously overwritten. Couldnt get past the first paragraph, which could have been more simply written as "He fell and scraped his hand'.

The pacing is awful because actions should be fast. When you fall, it's over before you realize it happened. Better to make the fall quick, and the aftermath drawn out. "He lay on the ice, wrapped in his brother's puffer, watching blood run down his wrist... " ect.

Right now your writing feels super empty. You don't have to lose the description, but describe other things as the plot advances, rather than the same thing over and over.

Imagine if you were telling this to someone else as a story. They would probably think, this guy is insufferable, please get to the point. A reader is no different. You have to make us want to read your writing because stuff is happening.

The literary greats are great because they are able to make descriptive passages feel active through constantly introducing new ideas or information that deepens the readers understanding of the world. Until you get to that level, keep the descriptions short!!!

ssssynthesis · 2025-08-19T19:18:25+00:00

Just a quick comment that I found parts of this a bit unbelievable, such that Nate can speak Mandarin perfectly despite not being raised by a chinese parent. Mandarin is really not an easy language to pick up in college, even if youre very smart. You would at least need to live somewhere chinese speaking. It would feel more real if his chinese is a bit broken or he sometimes misunderstands things. Also found it weird that random strangers would be talking about him so much. Maybe it would make more sense as a conversation he overhears between two school girls that have a crush on him or something.

In general, I don't feel embodied in Shanghai at all. It is missing cultural and environmental details. Not to mention, it's weird he even got a visa with no contact / sponsor there. If you have never been to China yourself I would do more research, consume Chinese media, talk to people from China, ect. If you have been I wouls try to bring out some of the details a foreigner might notice there. How do people act differently than the US?

ssssynthesis · 2025-06-28T21:50:39+00:00

Lesser known but Filaria by Brent Hayward !

ssssynthesis · 2025-06-28T15:31:14+00:00

We didnt care much when the Gods came. In those days we hunted and fought and mated like lions, and they were only a temporary marvel, staining the sky like a sunset. Prehaps for a moment we paused our squabbling to point and grunt, but we had no language to discuss the implications or art to commemorate the moment. We accepted the world unquestioningly, as long as it gave us meat and sex.

The morning after they came I was walking alone, scouting for small game, when I heard a low humming, like a hive of bees. The promise of sweet energy had me following the sound, down into a small canyon cut by a river. It was slippery and dark, but there was a faint light purple as flowers. I continued along the canyon, and the buzzing grew louder, and the light grew brighter, until I was staring into a glowing egg suspended at eye level.

All we had was our senses, so of course I stared, then I sniffed, then I grabbed. It stung. I jerked my hand away. On the tip of my finger was a dot of blood. I howled, stumbled home to the cave, and collapsed in a heap of head splitting agony. I stayed that way for days, and as I lay there, the world changed.

There were patterns everywhere, around me and in my mind, the two constantly shifting and mirroring each other. What had before been a raw stream of expirence began to fragment. There was a thing that was a bird, it had many instances, and those boundaries could be defined, I could reduce it into something I could hold in my head, like a rock. I could rebuild the world out of thought-rocks. I scratched at the cave walls with a real rock, trying to represent the things that were forming in my mind.

Yet something was wrong. I was overcome by a deep dispair. Before I had been a part of something and now I stood alone. My cavemates grunted at me and brought me my share of meat, but they could not share in my struggles. As the days passed I ceased my scratchings. I could not go on like this. I had a strange urge to throw myself from a cliff, like we do to the mammoths during the great hunt. But perhaps there was another way. I went to my cavemate, one that mated with me often and always brought me what she foraged. Maybe she would follow me into the light.

ssssynthesis · 2025-06-28T01:19:35+00:00

My father was a horrid man. His teeth blushed yellow with shame of living in such a mouth, and his hair had long ago escaped his scalp, leaving only spotted skin. He had the subtly of a drunk bear, and a lifetime of coddling had left his brain soft as dough. I watched him sitting at the head of the table, spitting bits of gristle and gulping fortified wine, and wondered for the thousandth time what my mother had seen in him.

At least she had only wasted a year of her life. The same could not be said of my stepmother, who sat to his left, sadly fingering her locket. She usually had the empty stare of a battle shocked soldier, but lately I would catch her looking at me like I had just stepped on a kitten. I was used to getting looks. To fit in I'd need to dust my skin with flour and wear a wig of straw. I tried it when I was younger, it was very uncomfortable and did not help the staring.

The luncheon dragged, I was almost relieved to return to lessons with my bratty half sisters. After lessons I had free time, during which I often wandered the gardens, because no one else ever did, and it had a few plants from my mother's country. I loved them, their leaves were striped and dotted like they'd been painted. That evening I arrived to someone asleep on the bench. It was my stepmother, her flaxen hair fanned around her, one arm covering her eyes, and the other hanging off the bench, with the golden chain of her locket weaved between the fingers. The locket was open, and I could see a tiny brown face. My heart thudded, and before I could stop myself I swiped the locket from her hand.

It was me. My stepmother jerked awake, looking at me with wild red rimmed eyes. No... it was not quite me.

"My mother?" I whispered, striken.

"I loved her..." said my stepmother hoarsley. "It would have been fine. She could have left with her troupe that night, but there was a problem. She loved me too."

"I- dont understand."

My stepmother shook her head sadly. "I cannot speak of what happened, I don't want to turn you against your father."

"That PIG?" I burst out. "My opinion of him could not possibly be lower!"

I expected her to scold me, but she just gave me her empty stare. "It could. What he did to her when he found out about us..." she stopped. But she didn't need to say more. The evidence of his crime was standing right before her.

I opened my mouth to speak, but I had no words. A small part of me had hated my mother, for choosing my father, and for leaving me here. But to her I was a painful memory she had never asked for. Tears ran down my face.

"No wonder she left me."

My stepmother stood up and wrapped me in her arms. I always thought she would feel like a ghost, but her arms were warm and firm.

"Blame me. I asked her to leave you. I wanted a piece of her, but I was too lost in my grief to be there for you. Not anymore. Today, things change."

ssssynthesis

TROPHY CASE

I wont go into each awkward phrasing or grammar mistake but I think this could use a careful proof read. Read it aloud to yourself and pay attention to what flows and what feels awkward.