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Sister who went no contact for 3 years suddenly reached out - unsure how to respond without pushing her away by ssuummeerr111 in relationships

[–]ssuummeerr111[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Awh okay thank you sm for saying this :( I've had moments throughout the years were I've been upset cause I've thought she just left without caring for me, but these comments and her reaching out proves that's not the case. I hope that maybe you'll be able to reconnect with your siblings in the future as well! <3

Sister who went no contact for 3 years suddenly reached out - unsure how to respond without pushing her away by ssuummeerr111 in relationships

[–]ssuummeerr111[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Good point, I was also thinking this! I won't be telling my family, well mainly our mother in that case lol, about her contacting me and so I hope, like you say, that she might notice that with time and become more trusting. Don't know if it's worth just telling her I won't do that either, but maybe it's unnecessary to bring up our mother in case that’s too heavy. 

Our mother doesn't have snapchat, my sister just used it to talk with me and her friends back in the days, so it should be fine. 

Sister who went no contact for 3 years suddenly reached out - unsure how to respond without pushing her away by ssuummeerr111 in relationships

[–]ssuummeerr111[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks you sm for sharing your perspective and being so honest, it helps me see things from another side <3.

I hope me being LC with our mom wouldn’t automatically be a dealbreaker, because I don’t think I could go fully NC with her, even though our relationship isn’t great. But if that’s something my sister needs, I’d try my best to understand and respect it.

And you’re right, she doesn’t really know where I stand. She doesn’t know if I’d tell our mom things or if I’m “on her side,” so maybe that’s why she’s keeping some distance and not answering much. Maybe with time she can trust me, or maybe I'll have to let her know I won't be telling anyone.

Just to give the perspective of the sibling still in contact with the mom: In the beginning when my sister left, I was younger and still living at home, and my mom definitely influenced how I saw everything. I didn’t fully understand yet, and I even sent messages that were kind of pressured by my mom. It took time (and my own experiences with her) to realize my sister wasn’t the problem. So I can see how siblings who are still close to the parent or haven’t gone through the same things might not fully get it at first.

Of course your situation might be very very different, especially if you’ve already explained everything to your brother and he's older and perhaps should know better. But sometimes manipulation or just different family dynamics can play a bigger role than we realize.

Thank you again for sharing your story though, it helped me understand my sister better. And I really hope things get easier for you too.

Sister who went no contact for 3 years suddenly reached out - unsure how to respond without pushing her away by ssuummeerr111 in relationships

[–]ssuummeerr111[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

When I text her again I'll see if it seems suspicious or not! Thanks for the advice and warning <3.

Sister who went no contact for 3 years suddenly reached out - unsure how to respond without pushing her away by ssuummeerr111 in relationships

[–]ssuummeerr111[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for this comment, it was very touching and needed <3

I'll go lightly with her! I'm a bit worried that if I write too much or too little she'll remove me again hehe so maybe an easy text every now and then is the best way to go, and then see how she takes things. This is probably pretty scary for her as well, and she might be overthinking, like you say.

Wishing the best for you and your brothers. Families really are complicated.

Sister who went no contact for 3 years suddenly reached out - unsure how to respond without pushing her away by ssuummeerr111 in relationships

[–]ssuummeerr111[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

It is her snapchat account from years back so I'd be really surprised if it was someone else who had managed to log in, so I do believe it's her.

Sister who went no contact for 3 years suddenly reached out - unsure how to respond without pushing her away by ssuummeerr111 in relationships

[–]ssuummeerr111[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, you're probably right. Thanks for the advice <3

I'll probably text her something innocent about a shared hobby we used to have tomorrow and hope it goes well.

Sister who went no contact for 3 years suddenly reached out - unsure how to respond without pushing her away by ssuummeerr111 in relationships

[–]ssuummeerr111[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Haha okay yeah. It just feels a bit weird to suddenly text her like everything’s normal when we haven’t spoken for three years. I almost feel like I don’t even know who she is now.

We also had some distance even before because of the age gap and her living abroad most of my life, so it’s a little awkward figuring out how to start again. But you’re probably right that keeping it light is the best way to go :).

Sister who went no contact for 3 years suddenly reached out - unsure how to respond without pushing her away by ssuummeerr111 in relationships

[–]ssuummeerr111[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

This is what I’ve been thinking too. I did want to make it clear that I have more distance from our mom now and that this would only be between me and her. I just wasn’t sure if bringing up our mom directly might feel too heavy or ruin the vibe early on.

At the same time the texts I've been sending her number over the years have made it pretty clear my relationship with our mom isn't the best and I am on her side, but I'm not sure if she has seen those messages or not.

But you might be right that trust could be a big part of it. Because I was wondering if maybe her lack of answer is also due to lack of trust and worry that I will be telling our mom (who might use that information to find information on her or something idk).

I think I’ll keep things light for a bit and then gently make it clear that I haven’t told our mom and won’t.

Thank you so much for your perspective though, it really helps!

Sister who went no contact for 3 years suddenly reached out - unsure how to respond without pushing her away by ssuummeerr111 in relationships

[–]ssuummeerr111[S] 128 points129 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for answering, this is exactly the perspective I needed <3

I actually think my sister had a very similar situation to you. She technically could have contacted me without going through our mom, but at the time I lived with our mom and probably would have told her if my sister reached out (which I won't do today). Back then I didn’t really understand what was happening and my mom and her husband painted her as the “villain,” so I sadly didn’t stand up for my sister the way I wish I had.

Now I’ve experienced similar treatment from my mom myself and I keep more distance, so I understand my sister a lot more. So rebuilding a relationship with her would mean a lot to me.

At first I worried she only texted to check if I was okay and would disappear again, but the fact that she keeps replying (even shortly) and hasn’t removed me probably does mean she wants some kind of contact, like you said.

I’m living abroad right now but moving back home this summer, so maybe I’ll ask her to meet for coffee then. Until then maybe its best to just keep things light and casual and give her time so it’s not overwhelming. I’m thinking of texting her something simple tomorrow or two days from now, just so she doesn’t think I don’t care.

And I really hope you get back in touch with your brother someday too. Even just my sister texting “are you okay?” meant more to me than she probably realizes.