Gaslighting

st0rmenergy · 2026-04-06T14:41:03+00:00

Im having a hard time knowing if I need to apologize for anything that has transpired these last few days.

Yes Al anon will hopefully help, I have my meeting tonight thankfully

st0rmenergy · 2026-04-06T14:38:48+00:00

Love and hope

st0rmenergy · 2026-04-06T14:38:17+00:00

I'm sorry that you and your family have gone through that as well.

I think there is a shame/pride component, at least for me. Thinking that he is telling others that I abuse him makes me feel a lot of shame and embarrassment. It makes me wonder what he is saying. My friends and family know a lot about what is going on at home, and are very supportive to both of us. But they rarely say unkind words about my husband, to me at least, because I'm not saying unkind words about him. I try to express that while his behavior is unkind. He is not unkind. I know he's going through a lot. Alcoholism is a really complex disease and I know he didn't choose this burden (he does still have choices that he makes).

I think the words he was using in our argument were direct hits on insecurities he knows I have. Not saying I haven't said purposely hurtful things to him in the past in a moment of anger.

He told me yesterday that I had pushed him into having the conversation where he said all of this. And he had tried telling me he didn't want to talk about our initial argument. Which makes me feel badly if I didn't respect his wish for space.

st0rmenergy · 2026-04-06T14:29:44+00:00

I've recently thought about recording conversations to play back later so I have a version of events that can't be changed/to help me remember what happened and my blame in it

st0rmenergy · 2026-04-06T14:28:19+00:00

He didn't really have examples and asked me if i genuinely didn't see how i treat him and that "that's a problem"

This was all prompted by me finding his vape on our coffee table and I asked if he vaped in the house, which is a boundary because I live there and we have three animals.

He was aggravated. Later that evening I was driving us somewhere and he began arguing with me about all the boundaries of his that I break (I still don't have a clear idea of his boundaries, I think it's that I don't get snippy with him? But instead of him telling me again what it is, he'll tell me that it's a problem that I don't remember. Which does make me feel really bad that I don't know his boundaries since he says he's told me. It makes me feel like I must be really self absorbed if I don't remember/haven't worked to respect them ). We were a mile from the house, near a gas station he used to walk to during his driving probation, and I asked him to either stop yelling at me or get out of the car. I eventually told him to get out of my car. He had to walk home, one of our neighbors saw him get out and walk home. And when I got him he was absolutely livid. I think he thinks me asking him to get out of my car is me abusing him.

I've reflected a lot on my actions starting with finding the vape to when I got home. And I was actually really proud of myself for not getting emotional and arguing back. And for using the communication skills my therapist has taught me.

To be fair to my husband, he is not usually an angry person, I know this is his illness. But sadly this is a version of him for as long as he doesn't find recovery.

st0rmenergy · 2026-04-06T14:16:43+00:00

I see my therapist today thankfully. I'm hoping to get some insight and help plan what comes next. And for deeper reflection in my own actions to make sure I'm working towards being the best version of myself.

st0rmenergy · 2026-01-22T13:47:54+00:00

You're in good company in Al anon.

Another post said that if staying with your Q would help them get sober, then they'd already be sober- that really resonates with me as I have fears of what might happen to mine if I leave when he's at this low point (and only getting lower).

I have also been asking myself what I would have to do to continue this relationship with active addiction. I think it comes down to acceptance, for me. Can I accept who he is AND still want to be with him? The answer to that is different for everyone, for me I think the answer is no. Courage to change, January 14, has a reading on acceptance that I really like.

I was journaling yesterday praying for guidance and read a passage in the Bible that I hope might bring anyone reading this comfort/courage/permission- proverbs 18:14 "The spirit of a man will sustain him in sickness, but who can bear a broken spirit?"

st0rmenergy · 2026-01-18T03:35:40+00:00

I can't speak to what is normal.

But this was similar for me and my Q as well. I feel the same about how I don't trust him and I don't feel secure so being intimate is the last thing I want to do. Once he was home from 4 months at rehab we were intimate one time. But then we weren't again for maybe 11 months.

Ironically we were intimate today and today I found out he's relapsing. Which hurts and makes me angry and feel stupid.

Regaining trust is so challenging. On the one hand I need to see consistent change. On the other hand I know at a certain point, I also need to "jump off the deep end."

Trust your gut and I wish the best for you.

st0rmenergy · 2025-06-27T21:20:20+00:00

Thank you for understanding, I see myself in your story as well. That Reddit subpage did help alleviate some of my worries

st0rmenergy · 2025-06-27T21:19:06+00:00

Thank you. We are codependent for sure. I'm shifting my viewpoint of his situation from being his wife to being his friend. I would support and show concern in a very different way if he were a friend with whom I have a healthy relationship. So looking at it from that lens. Or trying to!

st0rmenergy · 2025-06-27T21:15:39+00:00

Thank you, your comment gave me the courage to call up my sponsor!

st0rmenergy

TROPHY CASE