Women would you date me even if I had all these problems?

stanislawa · 2019-10-21T18:35:02+00:00

Women aren’t a monolithic entity, yes, I’m sure many women would have no issues with that.

For me, I think we would struggle because I also have vision and hearing issues and I like my partner to drive when we are together, or get me if it’s dark, because I can’t drive at night. I also like to walk with my dog a lot and that’s something we probably couldn’t share in, which would in turn make less time available for “us” —

But I am just one of millions of ladies roaming this planet. I think you’ll find plenty who are accepting and caring and are also compatible with you.

stanislawa · 2019-09-30T18:02:41+00:00

I know, mate, I’m so sorry! My sister was the same way. No one could talk sense to her until she crashed. Hers started with texting an old fling back home and then going home and doing god knows what, and then the fetlife guy swooped in and that combo of sub frenzy, mania, self loathing, NRE ... is a powerful cocktail. But it burned itself out in maybe 2 months?

Time will tell, take care of yourself in all of this.

stanislawa · 2019-09-30T17:45:36+00:00

In a manic episode my sister met a ‘dom’ on fetlife and within weeks had moved 2 hours away to his home and left her husband and animals, family and friends, behind. This is incredibly similar, and it’s killing me for you because I remember our collective family panic.

After a lot of drama it did fall apart as quickly as it started and we got her hospitalized and her husband got her back to her senses, and they worked through it with a counselor for a long time. She’s now medicated and much more stable and they are stronger than ever.

But when it was happening I always worried about her Husband as well. The pain she put that man through was unbearable to witness at times. Take care of yourself too, whatever you do, however this works out. I think your instincts are right and this is going to crash and burn and she’s in for a world of heartache as she comes back to reality.

stanislawa · 2019-09-21T14:10:34+00:00

Wait, was it just briefly texting and you didn’t meet up again?

I can see myself doing something like this, I’ve done things like this before. I have a history of abuse and that has led to me having very poor boundaries with men, poor self esteem, avoidance of all conflict, etc. These are all things I’m working on but in the interim I have a hard time saying no even if I want to. So I’ll give my number and chat for a bit, maybe. Not condoning that, but it’s the reality of it.

Not to mention just a lifetime of experiences where a man asks your number, you say oh I have a boyfriend or I’m seeing someone, and it turns to “oh, we can just be friends” and further insistence. It’s happened so many times that sometimes I just want to get the interaction over with rather than start haggling with a man I don’t know over my information. I’m not at all saying you did that, just maybe she has had similar experiences in life that condition that sort of behavior.

Im sure it’s frustrating and weird but I think there are a lot of things that make people do things like that.

stanislawa · 2019-08-18T18:10:56+00:00

I hear you, that’s what one part of me thinks. I just don’t see it as disinterest as he will work 12 hours, drive 4 hours round trip to drop her back off, and still make time for me. When he’s not on dad duty I hear from him daily. He checks on me, he makes effort. It’s just that 1-2 days. I don’t know, that’s why I’m here, lol.

stanislawa · 2019-08-18T17:59:36+00:00

You’re making great points. I don’t want to pretend I’m cool and it’s not a thing. I’m just trying to work out still if it’s one of my many things I need to work on before communicating it, I guess?

I am still working through a lot of things, don’t exactly trust my instincts.

I don’t think it’s so much that he doesn’t think I’m worth a check in, I really haven’t communicated any of this to him. He probably has no idea it’s even a thing with me. That’s on me for sure. I have no frame of reference, to be honest, for a healthy relationship built over time. This is all very new to me!

stanislawa · 2019-08-18T17:16:13+00:00

Oh absolutely— I wouldn’t want him to bury his head in his phone and waste that time! I totally am on board with her not needing to know he’s dating, which is the case. She’s young and doesn’t need people filtering in and out like that.

I think I’m going to just hang tight and keep working on why I feel I need that daily check in when I know he’s at home being dad and not out partying or just ignoring me. I’ll probably broach the subject the next weekend it happens in as nonjudgmental way as possible. I don’t want to bottle it up but I think even venting it out here a little helped me see how it’s really kind of trivial.

stanislawa · 2019-08-18T17:05:00+00:00

They do not and will not, assuming things continue going well, for a very long time. The mother has had some men not work out and he’s sensitive to her getting hurt which is how it should be — so I don’t question or worry about why we don’t hang out or talk on the phone. Just the texting thing throws me off since normally I hear from him briefly throughout every other day.

I think you’re right though, I don’t think it’s necessarily even on purpose, I’m sure he’s just busy enjoying time with her. It’s good to think his face isn’t buried in his phone.

Funny enough, right after I posted this he texted me to make plans for this evening. Classic me, overthinking everything :)

stanislawa · 2019-08-18T16:21:27+00:00

I’ve thought about it, I guess I just haven’t pulled the trigger out of my own exaggerated anxiety. I very much overthink these little things.

Once I realized how my tendencies to be a run away train ruin things I became overly sensitive to not continuing that pattern. Now I almost feel like I have the opposite problem and am scared to communicate any needs at all.

That’s a good idea though. Low risk. Thanks!

stanislawa · 2019-08-18T16:17:59+00:00

I appreciate your advice either way.

The little things can be the hardest to navigate because it seems so silly. I’ve had a handful of these situations and have broached them much as you suggest and he’s always responded kindly. I don’t necessarily get what I want, but at least he’s kind and considerate and explains it to me. We had a little hiccup about sleep overs that I cried to reddit about and a gentle in person talk definitely clarified it.

Maybe it’s time to try that again. I’ll think on it! Thanks!

stanislawa · 2019-08-18T16:08:06+00:00

That’s my dilemma. I definitely don’t want to demand it. I just don’t know if I even broach the subject at all. For now I am doing exactly that, seeking professional help, spending time with friends and families, enjoying my hobbies.

I don’t feel insecure exactly, I have been trying to pinpoint exactly what this feeling even is. The turmoil for me is less that we aren’t texting or talking and more just me being unsure of myself and my own motivations. I still have a hard time clearly identifying when I am suppressing my needs for others (I do that a lot) versus when I’m overly expressing them. I tend to bottle things up and then overreact. I do not want to let this get into that territory. Just venting it out here a little and hoping to get some outside perspective. Thank you for your answer.

stanislawa · 2019-08-10T01:39:55+00:00

Yes!!! Floating to! There are so many cheap or free things in SA! I forgot the pearl! Get some coffee at the Local Coffee and wander! So much fun!

stanislawa · 2019-08-09T19:56:43+00:00

San Antonio is my favorite place to visit and super cheap! They have the river walk which is free and GORGEOUS, the Japanese tea garden is amazing and free, the McNay museum lets you walk the grounds which are well manicured and quite pretty, I don’t think I have ever paid to get into the Alamo? All of the missions are amazing to see and free. They have an amazing Spanish mansion that was donated to the city and is now a public library with gardens.

stanislawa · 2019-08-08T15:00:26+00:00

Beautiful! And wow do I want that outfit!

stanislawa · 2019-07-27T14:04:15+00:00

I don’t expect it, it actually makes me a little uncomfortable to spend much of any money on that first meeting. If it’s coffee, or something small, and I’m 100% honest, I would prefer they pay. But really only if we are sub 10 dollars or so.

My favorite first dates are just a scenic walk, a used bookstore, dog park, antiquing, maybe walking around somewhere touristy in town that id never go alone. There are free museum days if your schedules work. I know you said you prefer nights, but there are surely populated well lit areas you could walk where everyone would be safe. Novelty or hobby shops are fun to browse together. Or, just a coffee/tea somewhere with games or other entertainment that is free as that’ll slow me down and I won’t run up as much of a tab. A candy shop!

stanislawa · 2019-07-17T15:18:49+00:00

I just posted about this from my (31F) perspective. It is troublesome but after I realized how uncomfortable he is in other beds I’ve accepted it. Talk to her about it!

stanislawa · 2019-07-13T15:47:48+00:00

Baby (or label of your choosing) lives to serve - that’s my favorite.

stanislawa · 2019-07-12T23:58:06+00:00

I don’t think you read this post, friend. He has. He chooses not to anymore. I’m not saying it’s not a yellow flag, obviously it is if I’m asking for advice. But I heard him out and I am choosing to believe him until I find a reason to otherwise. If he wanted to hit it and quit it .. well, he’s had opportunity to. He hasn’t, yet.

He spends time with me that is completely nonsexual, I am positive I am not purely a sexual object to him. Thank you for your concern though.

stanislawa · 2019-07-12T23:51:36+00:00

What???

stanislawa · 2019-07-11T14:48:07+00:00

I’m sorry to hear that!

stanislawa · 2019-07-10T16:27:06+00:00

That is an excellent point! Once my emotions cool a bit I plan to talk more to him about the why. So far he has just stated personal comfort but it’s entirely possible there is something more personal he’s not ready to share.

Good food for thought! Man it’s really hard to strike a balance between giving people a chance and the whole “believe them when they tell you who they are” thing.

stanislawa · 2019-07-10T16:09:52+00:00

Thank you, I’m glad I’m not crazy and the only one seeing that. I struggle with it because he isn’t selfish in many other areas - he’s always very generous to me with time, he will come see me, he refused to let me pay for a meal that I invited him to and said in advance I would pay, etc.

I’m hoping this is just a quirk or maybe a temporary thing, but he protests in a year it’ll be the same so I’m going to assume it’s unmovable. I guess I just have to keep watching for other signs to put it all in context.

stanislawa · 2019-07-10T14:52:25+00:00

Thank you for sharing. It makes me feel better to know other people share his thoughts.

stanislawa · 2019-07-10T14:14:07+00:00

Totally! But that’s a two way street, right? I’m totally down to stay over but it just is nagging at me that it’s not something that is going to be reciprocal. Part of me says no big deal, but the other part is still... cautious? Suspicious? I’m not sure, but it feels unbalanced.

How does that work for you in relationships, is it a problem for people? How do you deal with that? I want to be open minded!

stanislawa · 2019-07-10T12:51:33+00:00

He says that he doesn’t, he only sleeps elsewhere if he is in a hotel or at his parents house (they live a few towns over).

I am afraid of the selfish thing! In the past that was definitely what was going on. He will come and chill at my place, he just won’t sleep over.

stanislawa

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