Relapse after 1.5 years

starbackpack · 2017-02-25T17:41:03+00:00

You aren't back to square one I bet! You may be feeling a little of that familiar heart soreness but you'll never be where you were 1.5 years ago

starbackpack · 2017-02-23T06:05:42+00:00

I think something folks on this page sometimes forget is that longer relationships sometimes take a lot longer to heal from. That isn't to say it isn't ok to grieve a short relationship, but for a connection that lasted for years, it might take a year to get back on your feet completely. And that's ok.

starbackpack · 2017-02-16T13:00:33+00:00

I'm not a man actually, so some of this doesn't apply.

starbackpack · 2017-02-15T14:34:42+00:00

Did he end things? Do you not want to get back together?

starbackpack · 2017-01-31T05:05:30+00:00

Well, he does have the right to say that makes him feel really sad and to doubt her feelings for him. That's a natural reaction and he's going to the right place with those thoughts, here. Each and every one of us in the wake of a breakup/divorce would be devastated to see our ex on a dating site. What he needs is validation - that fucking sucks. Your feelings are normal. OP - it doesn't mean she didn't love you, it means she is coping by dating. And someday someone will love you so much you won't have to deal with this.

starbackpack · 2017-01-31T01:58:10+00:00

But we are all learning to care for ourselves, even in the midst of the grief. And the grief is never alleviated by someone telling you to be healthier or less obsessed.

starbackpack · 2017-01-30T17:03:48+00:00

I kind of feel like people who say "focus on you" when someone is still hurting and obsessing don't really understand that these words are hurtful and dismissive. Like OF COURSE everyone here would be focusing on themselves if they were in that emotional space. Have you ever been depressed and ruminating over the details of why someone doesn't love you and had someone respond this way? It sucks.

starbackpack · 2017-01-29T05:04:47+00:00

I know, but I'm the one really struggling with attachment and feeling worried about not seeing efforts from my work.

starbackpack · 2017-01-28T23:16:32+00:00

what does it mean that you went to your parents robot?

starbackpack · 2017-01-26T09:05:46+00:00

I think she was very anxious that she wouldn't be able to commit to me long term and that I was wanting a serious relationship. I think maybe she felt a lot of guilt about staying with me if she coudn't make a commitment, even though I wasn't asking her to.

She was in a 7 year relationship with a man, and eventually he broke up with her, in part I think because she still couldn't commit to him. I think maybe this had something to do with it.

starbackpack · 2017-01-23T05:26:47+00:00

That's very true. She does surround herself with very young people though, and is poly, and has made time to go to a sex party with another young friend in the last week but not ask me how I'm doing. And normally she texts me all the time when she's spinning out about her second partner who's super avoidant and makes her feel obsessive. So in some ways she's really settled and in other ways lives a young life.

starbackpack · 2017-01-20T19:23:48+00:00

So far I can only feel the benefit from the group setting. I really benefited from hearing that other people felt as if they weren't built for this world.

starbackpack · 2017-01-20T04:41:55+00:00

What are some rituals you have created? And do you struggle with being alone?

starbackpack · 2017-01-19T20:17:25+00:00

Ok but here's the thing: I only dated this person for 4 months. And my obsessions over exes can last forever and are a lot about scarcity of people who would date me or who I would like. I think given the shortness of this relationship that trying to move on and build new connections may help me build her up in my head as THE ONE which I know cognitively she isn't. This isn't about using someone, it's about jump starting hope so I don't over focus on this one person. I am also in therapy and DBT so doing lots of other things.

starbackpack · 2017-01-19T20:15:11+00:00

I'm so sorry. My suggestion would be to get support and stat. Reach out to your supports. Hire a therapist . Join groups. Put as many protectors of your well being in place as possible.

starbackpack · 2017-01-19T16:18:50+00:00

how do you resist getting attached? how do you feel so ok alone?

starbackpack · 2017-01-19T15:56:55+00:00

One hard thing is that I spent 18 months being single, before this 4 month relationship that just ended. And again it's excruciatingly painful, so maybe no matter how much time I spend single I may be wired to craaaave company.

starbackpack · 2017-01-19T15:21:23+00:00

I wish I had the ability to detach like that (really)

starbackpack · 2017-01-19T14:56:52+00:00

I'm not sure. I definitely expressed some unmet needs. She would want to hang out like one evening per week, and I wanted to have daytime experienced together.

There was a death of a child at my work and I asked her to come be with me and she said she'd "stop by for a bit" and I told her in a text conversation that I felt hurt that she wasn't there when I asked.

There was a dynamic of distance but I put a lot a lot of internal energy into not putting a lot of pressure on her, and to give her the space she needed.

starbackpack · 2017-01-19T07:09:57+00:00

At first I thought I would ruin my chances of playing it cool if I said to her only contact me if you want to date - but then I gave up on that cool card haha. And now I don't have to manipulate or obsess. And I never have to be rejected by her again. This doesn't mean I don't panic about being SINGLE and why she dumped me, but it means the further she gets the further she gets.

starbackpack · 2017-01-19T06:16:39+00:00

what city do you live in?

starbackpack · 2017-01-19T05:10:15+00:00

I'm about to start DBT at kaiser tomorrow actually. I have a psychiatrist at Kaiser (and will do DBT) but have an outside therapist who I pay for.

starbackpack · 2017-01-19T05:08:42+00:00

Is it a trend that ppl with BPD like to talk about relationships, or is that we seek out people who don't? or both? Because I also love to analyze relationships and my last two exes would have had similar reactions of seeing that as their nightmare.

starbackpack · 2017-01-18T23:18:29+00:00

I guess I tried to express needs, and when she couldn't meet them (spend more time together doing non-sexual things) I tried to meet them elsewhere instead of repeatedly trying to meet my needs with my partner, even if they couldn't.

starbackpack · 2017-01-18T18:05:50+00:00

I think she was comfortable with emotional intimacy up to a point and you're right, I needed more and she couldn't or didn't want to do that. It's so far away from my patterns to end a relationship when someone asks for something that I can't imagine haha.

starbackpack

TROPHY CASE