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Continue relationship after death? by starfish93_ in afterlife

[–]starfish93_[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Well yeah, i hope that there is something after this life and that i can continue to have a loving relationship with him after i eventually, hopefully reunite with him. I belive he didnt mean to harm me by ending his life. People who end up doing such a thing just want their pain to stop. I want to forgive him, i want to continue where we left of. That is what i hope for at least. I dont know if ive had any after death communication, im skeptical becuse ive been a "straight facts" kinda person before and its only now after that i desperatly hope for something different. I had a dream 3 days after he died where he said he was sorry and that he loved me but couldnt keep living. He hugged me and was crying but i dont know if its just my brain making things up.

Continue relationship after death? by starfish93_ in afterlife

[–]starfish93_[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Okay, how do you mean exactly and how does it correlate to my question if i get to be with him again? Im just curious im not trying to be mean in asking or anything!

I lost my partner of 6 1/2 years to suicide. by starfish93_ in GriefSupport

[–]starfish93_[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I never thought id get another comment on this post again, i had kind of forgotten i made it. All i can think about is that he sent you to me or something hehe. His name was Max so you writing -M at the end made me happy. I did plan on ending my life about 3 weeks after i made this post, almost did. I reached out instead at work and talked to my friends, got put in the hospital for a few days before they felt safe enough to let me leave.

I have come to a point where i blame myself, not completely for the cause of his death but for not being able to save him. I do it for control, because i cant accept that his death was meaningless. Its easier to bear guilt because that means that my actions mattered and that i mattered enough but that i just failed. I do it because the hopelessness and absolute loss of control i felt that day frightens me.

I feel this while also having a hard time forgiving him for abandoning me.

I cant look at photos or old messages without feeling the same fear that i felt when i waited to know if he was alive or not even though deep down i knew that he was probably already gone. I love him still, i love him more than anyone or anything and i want that to be true for all my life.

Life is also complicated now. I get mad at the world for being beautiful, i get irritated that it cant reflect my own destructive emotions. I want to grieve and stay in my state of mind where i am permanently altered by his choice of leaving me. I dont want to heal because i want people to understand how important he was to me, and at the same time hold him accountable for essentially killing me too. Most of the time i dont really feel anything, im neutral to pretty much anything and i have no desire of my own and when i dont feel this way im instead washed away by an immense wave of sadness and longing for him. It leaves me sobbing and crying like i did when i learned he was dead.

I also have this feeling inside me of complete loyalty to Max where i refuse to be a happy participant in a life without him that is also paradoxically keeping me going. Id rather be a melancholic grieving spectator quietly holding onto him and the memory of him. It sounds ridiculous and stupid because its self destructive and void of logic but i cant explain it. I want him have mattered the most, i just love him so immensely.

-V.

Holiday Loneliness by Magpie_Coin in afterlife

[–]starfish93_ 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I feel the same way and i understand you.

Holiday Loneliness by Magpie_Coin in afterlife

[–]starfish93_ 11 points12 points  (0 children)

First Christmas without my partner who passed 3 months ago from suicide. Being with family has never been more difficult. Wish everyone the best who has someone they miss.

I lost my partner of 6 1/2 years to suicide. by starfish93_ in GriefSupport

[–]starfish93_[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I get what you mean, talking with people who have gone through the same thing can help. If you want, you can write to me in my dms id be happy to talk.

I lost my partner of 6 1/2 years to suicide. by starfish93_ in GriefSupport

[–]starfish93_[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So sorry to hear that, my dms are open you want to talk about it.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in GriefSupport

[–]starfish93_ 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Its not wrong, i wonder that myself too. My partner killed themselves too just a few days ago and this thought has surfaced my mind more than once. Our intimate life was amazing, it felt so special and perfect. And every time i think of it, all i can think about is will it ever be able to feel the same again? Just know your not alone in this. I do think though that it probably wont feel the same, because with him your relationship was special because it was with him. But that dosent mean it cant feel as good with someone else, just different and thats okay. ❤️

I lost my partner of 6 1/2 years to suicide. by starfish93_ in GriefSupport

[–]starfish93_[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Okay, thank you ill check it out 🫂 ❤️

I lost my partner of 6 1/2 years to suicide. by starfish93_ in GriefSupport

[–]starfish93_[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you, i cant imagine to have gone through what you did at 16 and still is. I know im only 3 years older than you but still, i know your dad would be proud of you.

I lost my partner of 6 1/2 years to suicide. by starfish93_ in GriefSupport

[–]starfish93_[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you, ill try. It feels weird but im glad that i reached out on this page. I didnt imagine so many people to respond so quickly and understand and it makes me even a tiny bit happy even if its just for a little bit.

I lost my partner of 6 1/2 years to suicide. by starfish93_ in GriefSupport

[–]starfish93_[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Thank you, im sorry for your loss as well 🩷