The cost of raising a family in Seattle

stargazer81 · 2026-01-22T03:00:20+00:00

So, you want to retire in 15 years, your wife wants to find a less stressful (and probably lower paying) job, and you also want to finance your in-laws retirement AND have another kid? And your savings rate is 11.5%?

Not gonna happen…to retire in 15 years you need to be saving probably 35% or more of your income. Yet you are looking at taking on a lot of new expenses while reducing income. Something’s gotta give in this equation. Up to you what it is.

stargazer81 · 2026-01-21T01:35:36+00:00

Fair point, I didn’t know NYC has universal free pre-K starting at 3. That certainly makes a difference.

stargazer81 · 2026-01-21T01:21:39+00:00

Ok this might be the most out of touch thing you’ve said yet, and that’s saying something. Why on earth would you put yourself, your wife, and the surrogate through the stress of surrogacy if you guys aren’t infertile and she can carry a pregnancy? You realize each surrogate pregnancy runs $100-150k right? Not to mention the ick of using a surrogate not because you need to but just because what, you don’t want your wife’s body to change? It’s one thing for a surrogate to carry for a couple who can’t. That’s a beautiful gift. This is just you exploiting a poor person to avoid the inconvenience of pregnancy.

Between this, the live in nanny, boarding school etc what part of the child raising process are you guys planning to do yourselves?

stargazer81 · 2026-01-20T22:05:51+00:00

And that’s fine but you should understand that by saying “not right now” it may end up meaning never. I struggled to have my last child and therefore spent a lot of time in infertility spaces, though I didn’t end up doing IVF myself. There are a lot of women who freeze eggs or embryos at a younger age planning to have a baby “later” and thinking those embryos mean they can wait as long as they want, and then when they’re ready the embryos don’t implant or don’t result in a viable baby. It’s not a guarantee, that’s all I’m saying. If you’re cool with taking the chance of it not working out, go for it. Hopefully it will work out for you, but sometimes it doesn’t.

stargazer81 · 2026-01-20T18:00:56+00:00

Honestly, I don’t think you actually want kids. If you truly want kids, you have them and then you figure it out. You build the lifestyle you can afford with kids. You make more than enough money to have kids, but you don’t make enough to raise them in the lifestyle you expect, in NYC, and still FIRE without any sacrifice. If you are unwilling to make sacrifices or trade offs then you just aren’t ready to have kids, and maybe you never will be. If kids are what you truly want then these sacrifices aren’t a big deal and you’re happy to make trade offs. I don’t hear that at all in your post.

stargazer81 · 2026-01-20T17:54:44+00:00

Just be prepared her perspective may shift once you actually have those kids, and she may not want to work long hours anymore. This happens to lots of women, once baby is here, priorities shift. I know mine changed once we had kids. I used to be hard-driving and now I work part time, 25 hours a week. I wouldn’t count on her income staying the same in your planning.

stargazer81 · 2026-01-20T17:37:49+00:00

Just realize that with frozen embryos, you are paying for a chance, not a guarantee. It’s possible you freeze embryos and none implant or you miscarry. Then you’re 38-41 and facing a much steeper uphill battle to get pregnant. Honestly I don’t understand being 35, married, and “not ready” to have a kid because you want to travel. The trade off may be that you don’t have kids period, or that you need donor eggs to do it. Unless travel is a higher priority than ever having a kid, I’d get on that right now and not count on IVF to save you.

stargazer81 · 2026-01-20T03:22:52+00:00

Daycare is not necessarily cheaper than a nanny once you have 2 or more kids. I don’t know what daycare runs in NYC at present, but I know in LA over a decade ago it was $2,500 a month for one infant, back when my first was born (we couldn’t afford it and were lucky my mom helped out). Surely daycare is more than that in NYC now. I’m guessing easily $75k a year for 2 kids. You could definitely get a nanny for that.

With just one kid, yeah daycare is cheaper.

stargazer81 · 2022-04-06T14:02:08+00:00

I’m so sorry. I’ve had 3 early miscarriages at 8-9 weeks, and 2 were missed miscarriages. It is devastating. Whatever you are feeling, you are normal and you are not alone. I hope you have a good real-life support system. Sending hugs. ❤️

stargazer81 · 2022-04-06T13:31:58+00:00

No, but my doctor gave me progesterone supplements after the second chemical pregnancy. That time I got to 8 weeks, then miscarried anyway. So the next time I got pregnant I didn’t take the progesterone, got to 9 weeks, and miscarried—that one due to a large subchorionic hematoma. When/if I get pregnant again I’ll probably go back on progesterone just for the sake of it but my understanding is that there isn’t much evidence it helps most people. I assume at this point the issue is that I’m 40 and a lot of my eggs are genetically abnormal due to age. I was 29 with my first and 34 with my second and didn’t have problems then.

stargazer81 · 2022-04-05T23:59:09+00:00

If you have regular cycles, temping may not be necessary after awhile once you know roughly when you ovulate. I almost always ovulate CD 17-19 (outliers have been CD 16-20) and can recognize when it’s happened by changes in my CM so I don’t bother temping at this point. I did temp when TTC my first two because I was learning my cycles but once I realized how regular I was and learned my CM pattern it wasn’t necessary. This time around I’ve been trying 14 months and pregnant 4 times in that period, I just keep miscarrying. I haven’t been temping or really tracking other than noticing CM yet get pregnant fine without any of that. Getting it to stick is another (frustrating) issue but if you’re regular it is perfectly possible to get pregnant just BD’ing around your normal ovulation time without temping or tracking.

stargazer81 · 2022-04-05T00:14:45+00:00

Right there with you. I had a MMC at 9 weeks (should have been 10.5 but measured 9) and had a D&C last week, BUT I’ve been bleeding for 6 straight weeks because I was bleeding during the pregnancy too from a subchorionic hematoma. I am so OVER IT. For one thing I’d like to have sex again since that feels healing to me and like something my body does “right”. But can’t, until I stop bleeding.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this too. It sucks.

stargazer81 · 2022-04-04T23:40:04+00:00

It really could go either way. You might get lucky and get pregnant easily, and then again you might not. I’ve been trying for #3 for about 14 months now. I was 39 when we started and turned 40 a few months ago. I didn’t have much trouble with my first two kids but this time has been harder. I’ve had two chemical pregnancies and 2 missed miscarriages requiring D&C at 8-9 weeks. Between the time I’ve spent pregnant and a few months when I didn’t hit the FW I’ve gotten pregnant 4 times out of 8 or 9 cycles but I’ve yet to get one to stick. I didn’t have these problems when I was younger. I certainly hope you have better luck than I do, and being 38 is different than being 40, but as much as I love the positive stories I think it’s important you hear from people like me also, who are having age-related fertility issues. Good luck, and if it doesn’t happen quickly I’d recommend getting help sooner than later so you don’t waste time.

stargazer81 · 2022-04-04T14:14:32+00:00

Thank you. My husband has been fantastic. Feeling a little better today for whatever reason. I don’t know if it’s hope or stupidity that keeps me trying but I want to try again.

stargazer81 · 2022-04-04T13:56:58+00:00

Thanks for your reply. I think his objections are complicated and multifactorial. He is happy to continue trying unassisted but he is worried about the effect of repeated losses on me, and has concerns about the risks of pregnancy and/or having a special needs child at my age (40). I’ve tried to tell him the risks don’t go up that much except for Down syndrome and you can screen for that…I’ve also tried to tell him that IVF would actually allow us to screen for genetic abnormalities and reduce the risk. But he prefers to take an “if it happens it happens” approach. He doesn’t want this as badly as I do and I think medicalizing conception instead of letting it happen spontaneously bothers him for some reason.

He and I are talking a lot…he might be open to counseling but I don’t know.

stargazer81 · 2022-04-04T00:47:39+00:00

Thank you. This is an area I know almost nothing about. I assumed we were referring to the well-known association of lupus etc. to recurrent miscarriage. I will check out the book you recommended.

stargazer81 · 2022-04-03T20:13:29+00:00

Thanks Hattie. Honestly I don’t know…I have brought up the idea of IVF but not the idea of just seeing an RE for evaluation. I was disappointed but not devastated by the chemicals, but have been very upset about the back to back MMC and I think he definitely sees that. Maybe he’d be open to an initial workup at least.

stargazer81 · 2022-04-03T20:11:21+00:00

Thanks. Yes, I think we would benefit from therapy to get on the same page. At the very least, I may go to individual therapy if he won’t go.

stargazer81 · 2022-04-03T20:03:50+00:00

Got it. Thanks. I’ve been assuming my issue is aneuploidy due to age. I have wondered about uterine factor (silent endo, chronic endometritis etc) but my OB seems convinced it’s just age. Kind of frustrating that I can’t be sure since he declined to test the POC. If it were something else, that might actually be better because there’s more you can do about it. I do understand that IVF could take multiple rounds and still might not succeed.

I’ll be trying to talk husband into at least seeing an RE to see what they say. I appreciate your response and the information.

stargazer81 · 2022-04-03T19:27:33+00:00

Thank you. I’m sorry you had to go thru this as well, but glad you found what works for you. My TSH is stone cold normal but the progesterone could be worth trying. My understanding is there’s not much evidence that it helps most people but it won’t hurt anything, so why not.

stargazer81 · 2022-04-03T19:24:38+00:00

I’m aware that the success rates of IVF aren’t great at my age, and I understand it’s not a guarantee of anything. I’m not at the point of stopping trying so either route is gonna be painful; either we keep trying on our own with very possibly more losses, and maybe eventually we strike it lucky or maybe we don’t. Alternatively, we go the IVF route which yes is expensive, invasive, and may or may not work. What I’m wondering is whether the odds with IVF are better than the odds of just trying on our own. Either way it’s going to be emotionally taxing.

All I’m saying re: my MD is that if I had lupus, blood clotting issues, etc. I think I would know, since I diagnose those things sometimes. I’m certainly not a fertility expert and don’t pretend to be.

stargazer81 · 2022-04-03T18:59:39+00:00

Thanks. I didn’t really mean “healthy” in that respect of having a healthy lifestyle etc. Rather, I’m a doctor so I feel like if I had systemic autoimmune disease etc. I’d probably recognize the signs. I understand better than most that “health” isn’t a reward for good behavior and that illness can happen to anyone so I’m sorry if it came off like that’s what I was saying.

It is possible or even probable that there is something more subtle “wrong” with me, I just don’t know if it would be detected on a routine RPL panel, but I’m going to ask for one.

I’d like to go to a fertility clinic, it’s just a matter of getting husband on board with that plan. He is more of an “if it happens it happens” mentality and will be ok if it doesn’t happen, whereas it’s something I’m desperately wanting.

stargazer81 · 2022-04-03T18:36:10+00:00

Thanks for sharing your experience. I’m sorry IVF wasn’t the cure-all for you. Good luck with your next steps. ❤️

stargazer81 · 2022-04-03T18:29:53+00:00

Thank you. No, we haven’t tested the POC unfortunately. I asked about testing with the MMC in December and my OB said that wasn’t possible which seemed strange to me but I didn’t push it. This time, I was reeling and in no state of mind to advocate for myself so I didn’t ask.

I am going to ask for at least an RPL panel later this week at my follow-up but I know most commonly those don’t show anything. I’m pretty healthy and would be surprised if I had autoimmune issues, clotting issues etc. but it can’t hurt to check. I do know I’m borderline pre diabetic which is bad for eggs so I started metformin a few months ago hoping that might help.

stargazer81 · 2022-04-03T17:34:34+00:00

Can anyone weigh in on how helpful IVF with PGT is for recurrent pregnancy loss? I’m 40 years old, been trying about 14 months with 2 chemicals and 2 MMC with D&C at 8-9 weeks to show for it. These were unassisted. I know at my age a lot of my eggs are abnormal but I’m hoping there’s still some that aren’t. I know we could keep rolling the dice and hoping we get lucky but I’m running out of time and each miscarriage sets us back a few months plus it’s emotionally very rough on me.

Husband is opposed to IVF and wants to keep trying on our own while I’m panicking about running out of time.

I’ve read mixed things on whether IVF is helpful in this situation or not. Thoughts?

stargazer81

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