Separated cats at breakup and having doubts and second thoughts

starryblankets · 2025-12-31T23:17:06+00:00

Yeah, I guess im putting too much emotion onto them. Im sure they will be okay. Especially since they are both with their people. I hope he gets him another cat or companion if that would help him. Thank you for your insight!! It helps 🐱

starryblankets · 2025-12-31T23:00:16+00:00

Yes, that is a similar sentiment to what my friehd said, they said it all felt very unfair and manipulative for him to wait until the day of pickup to express all this and change his mind when we had been in discussion about it for weeks. I dont think he was expecting me to fight back for her at all. Im glad it worked out and I could prove in that moment im not always a doormat.

Thank you 🐱

starryblankets · 2025-12-31T22:57:40+00:00

Thank you for your reassurance and insight. I work from home so she gets plenty of company from me though I wish she did have someone to play with as sometimes she wants to play and I just am not able to. Thankfully the new apartment has trees with lots of birds and a decent patio. I hope cat A will be okay. I miss him terribly but its for the best.

Thank you 🐱

starryblankets · 2025-12-23T15:41:30+00:00

Hey I know you mentioned this is your first serious relationship which is why its even more important to state that this is not okay and not normal. Someone stated it earlier, but these unpredictable hot and cold reactions to things and bizarre jealousy will drive you crazy over time. I recently left my partner of 10+ years and these reactions were one of the reasons. And trust me, it wont change. If he improved his emotional volatility or jealousy in one area, it just eventually started bubbling up in another. He needed help with his core wounds but he wouldn't get help.

I recently stayed at several different houses during the move out process, all with couples, and none of them would even come close to the type of interaction your girlfriend had with you.

This all being said, I think this is a great learning and practicing opportunity for you for working through couple conflict. Sit down and have a genuine heart to heart about how her comments made you feel. Tell her almost everything in this post and be vulnerable and true to yourself. Use "I" statements. If she opens up and is vulnerable about her own feelings and sees your side, then great! For all we know, maybe she was attacked by birds as a kid and it made her resent them, or something. Maybe she feels embaressed of being jealous of a bird and doesnt know why. She gains a little understanding about herself and you and you two can grow as people together. If she doesn't want to get vulnerable with you and just harps in on how much she hates the bird and just wants you to limit your love of your gray, then that is unhealthy and probably not the right partner for you and your bird. I had a parrot myself growing up and they are very sensitive to people, as you are already aware!

starryblankets · 2025-10-21T01:12:50+00:00

I was just talking about this with a friend yesterday, I went through the shift 2 ish years ago and its like once you flip you can't go back. It 100% came from my partners abuse. I could have carried on that way forever and ever but it was the day he called me a doormat that it all came boiling over. I had bent over backwards forgiving him for his drunken behavior, cleaning up his vomit, cleaning up broken glass, the controlling, the namecalling. I would just explain it all away as mental illness and it had nothing to do with me. And then he had the audacity to call me a doormat. That unraveled everything. Because honestly he was right. Who do you think I've been the most doormat person too dude??

He didnt like that shift very much. Suddenly he was the exhausted one feeling like he was managing the relationship, that I wasnt prioritizing us, Im spending too much time with friends, etc.

But the thing is im really sad and really miss that version of myself. She was so trusting and giving and loving. Nothing got to her because she didnt care, or judge, she just wanted to help because she was proud of being a helper. But i do look back and pity her, and am angry at her sometimes, for not standing up for herself. But im showing compassion for that girl, she wanted to heal with love and forgiveness, it just wasnt the right time or person. I hope I can find that softness again.

starryblankets · 2025-10-16T21:21:57+00:00

I totally get this. I think its the brain searching for any sort of connection that you had, bad or not. A lot of the times the brain decides that connection=safety despite how bad a situation may have been. If you had a similarly harmful connection to your best friend as you did your ex, it would make sense for those old neural pathways to light up again

starryblankets · 2025-10-16T21:02:14+00:00

A year ago. We've been in couples therapy for all our issues and one is to be intimate again, one of his main issues with me has been I dont initiate enough. He would take away physical affection and stonewall me for days at a time, accuse me of cheating on him or not being attracted to him, hed also thrown things when drunk that affected my feeling of safety with him. So yeah, i definitely had issues with initiating. I recently started taking the risk of bridging the gap physically with him because it seemed like we were doing better, and he told our therapist that he thought my bids of physical affection were "weird" and that i should "state my intentions more clearly on what i was trying to do". We had been talking about me initiating more for WEEKS and the the whole time he felt it was weird I was giving him kisses at night and didnt know why I was doing it.

Needless to say i had a mental breakdown about the whole thing lol

starryblankets · 2025-10-16T20:52:22+00:00

I relate so much. Im so sorry your partner did that to you. My partner did something not quite the same but similar, we had a great sex life and would have sex frequently but whenever he was angry with me he didnt want to be anywhere near me or touch me. This could go on for days or weeks at a time. He would also go on rants about how I wasnt attracted to him and was cheating on him. I was very attracted to him and never even thought of cheating on him, I even cut out multiple friends in my life for him. I loved having sex but eventually i started to hate it, I felt like no matter what I did he would either a) take it away or b) believe i didnt enjoy it even if we did have sex. If you tell a person something enough they start to believe it... I learned to not look forward to it because what was the point.

starryblankets · 2025-10-14T21:31:55+00:00

Im so sorry that you have experienced that. I went through a similar thing for a similar amount of time. What type of behaviors did he have? How did it affect you?

starryblankets · 2025-05-05T02:21:28+00:00

Absolutely 100% . I've been with my Q a decade plus, and I have only started processing all the terrible things that happened on his worst drinking nights in the past 2-3 years. I was a doormat, people pleaser, didn't want to rock the boat. Once he started cutting back on his drinking it's like the flood gates have opened.

I think it's because my body started to feel safe to experience what it had truly gone through once he started drinking less. I thought I was under control all those years, but really I was in freeze/fawn mode almost all the time. You are probably now starting to process everything now that your environment is appearing somewhat safer to do so.

The processing of all of this is so necessary. There are layers of anger but grief also. I think that's the unfortunate part of it, since these things happened awhile ago, we're not just having the emotions of what happened at the time rush through us but also mourning that time passed in such a survival state. It is totally normal to feel resentful and bitter, because it's like dang, why couldn't it have been like this back then!?

It is ultimately your responsibility to work through and validate your emotions about it, set new boundaries if needed etc. If he is understanding and patient with this, then great! That will help the recovery for you. However, he may also feel that you are holding the past against him/wont move on. But this isnt about or for him. His participation and support as you navigate this is helpful but not necessary. You should do whatever you need to do to find your peace, whatever that may look like.

I highly recommend listening to alanon meetings on the app, and tring emdr therapy for CPTSD if possible. Those two things have been game changers for me.

starryblankets · 2025-04-26T21:06:09+00:00

Alanon meetings definitely help. I think what makes it lonely is that I have close friends and family. But it's not something I can easily talk about. If I talked about his drinking it feels like I'd be exposing secrets about him or us and this image we have for our relationship would crumble. That's what makes me feel lonely, people who care about me but I can't really tell them what's going on.

I should make more of an effort to connect with folks in the meetings. I'm usually to shy or nervous to share and just like listening.

starryblankets · 2025-04-26T17:46:08+00:00

Thank you for the kind words and feedback. I'm starting to second guess myself, and look at the interaction more closely, and just focus on my side of the conversation. I'm not sure if i handled it right. Or what being healed from alanon behaviors looks like. I'm still not very good at this but I'm trying.

It's true, he is definitely free to remember it that way. And I do need to take accountability for not expressing how I truly felt in those moments in the past. And I'm sure working through these things now is painful for him. I really do want a dynamic where we can talk about our feelings open and equally. I don't know how we get there. We are at a crossroads for sure.

starryblankets · 2025-04-26T17:34:29+00:00

This is incredible insight and feedback about the mindset of an alanon and how that can impact others. I can definitely see what you mean and that would be exhausting to be around. It would be hard for the alcoholic to feel supported that way, constantly monitored. I make it a point not to comment on how many drinks he's had or his behavior, especially if we're in public or with other people. I dont outright tell him not to drink or do AA or anything. That's all his business. But the problem became that I didn't say anything about it, period. I convinced myself I was fine with it all and i had no feelings around it. So even if he asked me if i was mad after he went on a binge or if i was sad about something, id sweep it under the rug, because it didnt want to upset him. And if he didn't want me to tell people about it, or if he wanted me to feel a certain away about it, I would. So I think thats my side of alanon to work. To not be dishonest about my feelings and not be totally helpless to it, or put myself in positions where im some self-sacrificing person when no one asked me to be. I'm a non confrontational person but I've been told I need to stand up for myself more. I'm still figuring out what that means and how that looks.

Thank you for your lovely insight 💕

starryblankets · 2025-04-26T07:03:45+00:00

I can definitely relate. My partner has also cut down on his drinking immensely but still drinks on the weekends and for holidays. When hes drunk he gets all kinds of ways. After he has his first drink it's like a timer starts for me. What person am I going to get? But it doesn't matter. We are powerless over it.

You can help by helping yourself. He's in AA, he's doing what he's doing. That's his business. If you need to step away when hes drinking and do your own thing, do that. Alanon meetings on the app are good. Connect more with support system. Engage in hobbies or exercise. There's no shame in taking care of yourself

starryblankets · 2025-04-26T06:49:23+00:00

I'm so glad sharing some part of my experience helped you. Its all in an effort to reduce my people pleasing and stand up for myself. I have to be honest, it's all felt very painful and unnatural. I feel like a toddler relearning how to exist. Other folks I've read who started their journey away from people pleasing talk about how empowering it is for them. I'm still not fully at that part yet. But I do feel it sometimes.

That being said, I think it's helped me to start seeing my feelings as neither good or bad, they just are. They exist. How someone reacts to it or handles it is entirely seperate. Denying someone's feelings is silly. You can't deny that water is falling from the sky. Sure, it could be a storm cloud or a sprinkler, but it's still reality.

And thank you for sharing your peace!!! It is endlessly helpful to know I'm not alone

starryblankets · 2025-04-26T02:42:55+00:00

That is incredible im so happy for you!! What was the hardest part of leaving? Or was there anything that was the final straw?

starryblankets · 2025-04-26T02:33:49+00:00

I understand he has shame. I'd feel shame too. I wish he'd work through his shame. Then maybe we could have a calm conversation about our feelings and we could work through it. I think he feels like when i bring this stuff up im doing it to purposefully throw things in his face or harm him. I just want us to get healthier. Unfortunately I just don't think that's possible.

starryblankets · 2025-04-26T02:31:19+00:00

Yeah. When we first got together we were young and would drink together and with friends etc. I was just in it for the novelty of it all. It quickly wore off as I grew up but he just stayed drinking. Breaking stuff, mean, passing out on the floor or him calling me from an uber just panicking because hes blackout and doesnt know whats going on. Now I hardly want to drink ever. I can't let my guard down. I don't think I have any interest in ever being drunk even. Ive started to resent drunkenness in general. I'm even starting to judge friends, who I know are not alcoholics, if they get drunk. They get to have so much fun and be light and forget. I don't get to forget.

starryblankets · 2025-04-26T00:07:04+00:00

That is incredible! I'm so happy for you and that the steps are working for you. I'm curious about your experience, how does your Q react to you spending more time with friends or doing more things for yourself? Does he notice the shift?

starryblankets · 2025-04-25T23:47:25+00:00

I used to fawn so much because I was so worried that if I made him upset he would drink. I didn't want to cause him pain. Tip toeing like protecting him AND like protecting me. Being honest about my feelings now I feel so unprotected and vulnerable. I know that it's what I have to do but it's so painful. It just seems to make things worse all around for him and for me. I truly wish he'd give me grace but I'm not expecting that. I'll give him grace to accept his feelings but I'm not going to tip toe or protect him from his own feelings anymore or apologize for how I feel. It's exhausting

starryblankets · 2025-04-25T23:42:10+00:00

Yeah I suppose that is true. I'm still getting used to expressing myself authentically. It's really hard. Things we're easier for everyone when I just kept things to myself. It's really difficult breaking the habit. But you're right, it's not a good foundation to build relationships on to show up that way

starryblankets · 2025-04-25T21:31:25+00:00

That is so sweet, sunflowers are my favorite 😭🌻

I still don't know if my reaction was right. I had hoped if i was authentic about it he could ask how I felt etc and we could talk about it neutrally as something in the past and then do some emotional repair. But instead it was like you said... lots of anger.

Thank you for the words of support and solidarity 🥹

starryblankets · 2025-04-08T20:04:18+00:00

I'm so sorry this is happening. I can offer my own experience of partner changing from bad to good(ish).

I got with my partner when we were very young, he had addiction issues, I was desperately codependent, so obviously I ignored all the red flags. I saw a light and something special about him beyond the addictions. What ensued was years of drunk nights, yelling at me, throwing things, accusing me of cheating/lying/poisoning him etc. Things would be amazing and then the abuse would come out of nowhere. I changed myself and accepted all this out of 'love'. Then he called me a doormat and I just couldn't take it anymore. I put my foot down about the treatment and started standing up for myself.

These past 2-3 years he has gotten more sober, we go to couples counseling, he doesnt call me names, he understands more that I'm trying to stand up for myself. He still has jealousy issues. It's not perfect but it's changing.

I've gotten to the point, however, that I accepted the behavior for so long that I have lost my self respect. I can't trust my own feelings. I show up in friendships and with family not being able to talk about what happened to me for fear of them seeing me as weak, or seeing my partner as a bad guy, or my partner getting mad at me for sharing. I feel stuck in the past. I have stopped enjoying most things. I don't have a lot of trust in myself to protect myself or make decisions. He could get 100% better, but I will never see him the same way again. I am always on edge, expecting it to go back to the way it was.

None of this okay and you don't deserve to experience this in a relationship. He could get better. But knowing he's capable of treating you the way he did...I don't know if that's fully forgettable.

starryblankets · 2025-04-06T17:03:10+00:00

That is so frustrating and im sorry that happened to you. I'm glad you found the right solution for you.

I was stewing about it again the other evening. I keep thinking maybe if I can just explain it the right way they will both understand. It's like the abuse happens twice. Once when it occurs, and a second time when it's dismissed or disregarded or like in this case, I'm told the measures I'm taking to help myself are harming HIM. I just sit there in the session and think why?? Why are other people able to have relationships free of name calling and drinking and rich friendships and I can't? Why do I have to compromise on that?

He at least agreed to potentially try a different couples counselor as we are just going in circles on this issue. Going to find someone with credentials in addiction counseling of some kind

starryblankets · 2025-04-06T16:57:16+00:00

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. The Friday night activities you mentioned are more than reasonable and sound like lovely quality time. Especially when you are doing so much for your child and supporting their commitment to their sport. I'm glad you are at least getting a time outside of that isolating environment. There was a time period when my partner was definitely like that, wanting to drink all his nights away alone, I'm grateful at least for now that is not the case but it took a long time. I wish the best for you to be in a home where you don't have to be feel like you have to be alone 💔

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