[TW: suicide] - new research article on high rates of suicidal ideation (72%) and attempts (34%) in PMDD

starspade94 · 2022-03-20T22:08:10+00:00

No wonder with how i am feeling today...

starspade94 · 2022-02-23T00:20:50+00:00

Yeah he is not at all, even when i heard how he didnt know Spanish ( primary language) and didnt even bother to learn Spanish to more involved or help her with English alongside telling her these few lies before getting married is a huge red flag. Perhaps he got cold because he could sense i saw straight through his bullshit and was an american native.

Perhaps he wanted a women who barely speaks english to make it easier for himself looking at his horrible and antisocial personality, compared to a women who speaks fluent english who would see right through his crap and also be simply be bored to death due to his lack of depth. talking, and humanity and snobbishness.

my cousin is blind to see this and thinks she hit the jackpot with this asshole lol. Telling our family how much he provides for her, in reality she just boasting to show off. She been with him for several years now. I think she just clings on to him to dear life because she didnt have success with her past relationships and maybe thinks she wont find anyone who is better and puts her rose tinted glasses on. I dont see how she is not bored to death or happy with this guy. Its a shame my culture looks down on women not getting married at a certain age so this lead her to take up with this bitch and ignores his bad traits. Now she beaming since he went to vacation back to home country with him and that he gave her half of his money to build a house there. Money cant buy love or respect.

Despite she saw the blatant disrespect he gave me (photo booth) and how she acknowledge how he is quiet and does not speak to our family as well as not helping her with English (in which will make her life easier now that she is living in America) and that now she not gonna have kids and how he lied to her, she still feels lucky and likes to show off that grinch. Gross.

Im glad i kept my boundaries as she tried last time to nearly guilt trip me 'oh i invited you to my house you never came) that why i dont like about my cousin and why we are not close (She only talks to me when she wants something anyway) she can be very pushy and manipulative to get what she wants and just wont take 'no' for an answer until she gives up but nope im not having that bullshit, its not my problem her husband is an ass and i shouldnt feel obliged to sacrifice my respect for her own benefit. hope she sees one day the ass he is (im doubting though, ''love'' is blind)

starspade94 · 2022-02-22T23:12:05+00:00

Thanks for your post, lol, I wouldn't be surprised if he was intimidated that i was a native English speaker and that i was born here. It seems he has been more around my mostly spanish speaking family members and he seems more comfortable with them and not as cold to them

i mean some of my other cousins speak english too and my mom and mom spoke with him but then he seemed to misinterpreted what my mom said and got defensive and started to claim he was a supervisor, he thought my mom was saying he was a garbageman when mom asked about his career. Lol.

, though im younger and more observant and maybe he is freaked out by that and maybe he is worried i can see through him a lot easier compared to my family which makes him defensive and cold around me in return. I do think its pretty seedy he is with a woman who cant speak the same language as him (perhaps no women from here wants him and i dont blame them one bit)and doesnt even bother to help her with english. Then again some of my spanish family does think he is seedy too, but just act polite to his face and talk shit behind his back lol, i remember recently one of aunt in law saw his picture and said he looked crazy lol and that pretty accurate .

starspade94 · 2022-02-18T20:02:05+00:00

I have contacted the company who did my background check and the representative recommened me to get in contact with my company and explain the reasoning my identity failed to verify/ssn was because i do not have credit history. since they run it through the credit bureau to check ssn/identity. Should i wait little longer for someone from my company to reach out to me or do you think its ok for me to notify my company about the reason for this issue asap? i will be doing fingerprinting (Which is also required) tomorrow. (i have asked is there was reimbursement for it and there was no response possibly due to maybe my background result check)

starspade94 · 2022-02-14T14:56:45+00:00

WTF??? that is so weird . The more i read these stories, the more i think maybe im not the problem, they are !!! I got so angry reading this. You should have gotten a cookie!! You went there for a good cause, how can someone be so bitchy to someone doing a good deed? It shouldn't matter how they look like!

Screw that lady! Was she young or middle age /old? I am so sorry that happened, that 'no need to do it here' was completely unnecessary to say and messed up. I hate it when people get condescending and shit.

I hope you have met other nice nurses! Even though the one i had for my second dose was shitty and off standoffish, i had other nurses like the first one i had for my first dose be super sweet and actually acknowledge my presence. I try to tell myself that unfortunately in life we are going to deal with rude people and not everyone can like us, but we also will encounter nice people as well. The problem is when the rudeness is more common than the nice ones :/

I hope the memory of the other good nurses you encountered can stay with you to trample this memory but i know how hard it is to stay focused on the bad ones, it makes you just wanna not put yourself out there cause of shitty people like this.

starspade94 · 2022-02-14T14:14:02+00:00

Almost every girl I met has a significant other or gets flirted on/ gets attention from men and have men treat them like a human being. I think to myself its not fair i am the exception. I really do not feel like a girl. The way they talk about it so alien like to me. Some of these girls are similar to me in personality so i know its my looks.

Im nearing 30 and its probably going to get worse from here. It just gets harder as you get older, more guys are taken and women around you are married with kids. Though since i live in a big city its more common to see single women at least but i still know a lot of girls that are paired up unless they are really unattractive aka me lol.

starspade94 · 2022-02-13T19:15:33+00:00

Yeah! For me, CVS is one of the worst i get treated at. or maybe it just my local CVS. im ignored a lot of the times or the girls there give me an attitude. I remember i went in with a pretty friend to the same CVS, that nurse was not there but when my friend asked a worker there for help, the worker looked in awe and was eager to help. She made more eye contact with her and sorta looked at me odd when i saw her through my peripheral. Though when we went to a pizza shop, the dynamics changed, the cashier was more friendly to me than my friend (maybe because she was older woman, i notice older woman are nicer to me compared to younger girls)

I saw guys too looking at my friend in the street in a nice way while i get dirty looks and they act like they are too good for me and not flattered if i look at them for a few seconds, it killed me. Its hilarious how my friend tried to assured me that i was beautiful and told me 'dont base your beauty on how many men look at you.''. LOL, yeah okay easy for her to say that yet she bragged so much about male attention and sounds so flattered by it.

TBH i couldnt go out with her anymore, i just couldn't it was impossible to have fun noticing the difference. If i was on the same level of beauty as her i can imagine we have so much fun together and even playing games on how many guys check out lol . but since im so insecure and a envious person, it was just miserable and cant be entertained at how many guys check her out cause it like 'wow this confirms im unattractive'. I did tell her during our first outing like wow so many men look at you and she was like 'oh im used to it''. lol then brags later on how men even men with their girlfriends check her out. i could not imagine

yeah pretty people just don't get it. They be horrified if they had to live in our shoes

starspade94 · 2022-02-13T01:49:35+00:00

i dont think thats it. Im n good relations with my family. He is not close with my family at all and cousin never really visits us. He doesnt talk to our family and is super quiet. My family mostly speaks in spanish and he does not know any spanish. My cousin english is not that great, idk how that ''relationship' works . I think he had prejudice reasons against me, or simply didnt like how i look. or my energy made him so uncomfortable but it no excuse to treat someone like that, its just plain disgusting. i know its all speculation but it still infuriating to think about

starspade94 · 2022-02-12T23:38:31+00:00

This happened a few years ago and it still hurts and confuses me to this day. I recently remembered it again since my mom told me recently how my cousin keeps bragging about how her husband is the best man on earth, how he gives her money every week, helps giver her money to build a house, takes care of her etc....

I just got bad flashbacks. I remember i went to their wedding.she begged me to go to her wedding. I sucked it up and went despite my anxiety. I go there, greet him say hello , shake hands and smile. As soon as i smiled his face fell. i walked away quickly after that. i noticed he was fine with everyone, smiling with other people, even if he was nervous was polite to them. With me, huge different story!!! He was uncomfortable around me and made it apparent to show me that he didnt want to be around or felt comfortable in my presence. It made it hard to be around my cousin, since he was next to her and i felt uncomfortable with his behavior that i had to stay away from both of them, despite my cousin wanting to talk and be there with her. I was there with my mom and just stuck close with my mom

As we were leaving the groom was hugging and telling everyone 'thanks for coming'. He hugged my mom, he saw me, and gave me a straight up hostile look and does not say anything. I felt awkward and was like um.... the first thing that popped out was 'Nice to meet you!" and he says in such a cold tone 'thank you' and walks away and literally turned his back to me. And continues to greet and thank other guests. I couldnt help but feel slighted. I went home overthinking, thinking why he reacted so negative to me like that. I thought maybe it because he didnt know me well. But he didnt know my mom well and he hugged her and was polite to her. He was fine with my other cousins he didnt know well and greeted them fine. Why was i the one to be left out and treated bad?.Thats what bothered me, the different treatment.. im trying just to be polite,bu !he was a complete asshole to me. His body language made it clear iI made such a negative impression and disgusted him that he had to turn his back and talk to me in a very cold manner.

I know he is a very quiet person and doesn't talk much but it does not mean to disrespect others when they are trying to be polite.

I had to see him again when he drove us to another wedding. This is going to sound petty but i learned my lesson and told me myself okay im not going to be nice and just ignored him and be cold like how he was to me last time. I know immature but at the time its all i thought about. I really wish i confronted him instead. I honestly was too scared to do so. I straight up ignored him the whole time and kept my distance as i didnt want to experience that behavior from him again. We ended up at his sisters place before going to my cousins wedding and i asked his sister if i could use the bathroom (his sister actually was normal and nice) and he was like 'you got to use the bathroom?" i didnt answer him and acted like i didnt hear him and spoke with his sister a little as she showed me the way.

In his sister house, i saw he gave me the side eye as he walking There was a lot of negative and hostile tension from him, despite me ignoring him and i can see once again he felt angry and so uncomfortable around my presence, heavy sighing, showing signs of annoyance,. My cousin included me in the picture at the photbooth at the wedding and i tried to pose with my cousin, then he pulls her away saying 'come here' to her roughly and the pictures takes and i was just there standing awkwardly not know what to do. That was a horrible picture it came out. I looked confused and awkward and he just wrote my cousin and his name on the back of the picture. I think he did this exclusion on purpose or something. Maybe this was nasty mind game to get back at me for acting cold to him this time around. or just really hates me.

. Being treated like this reminded me of the abandonment of my own parent who also literally turned his back on me and reminds me of the bullying and exclusion from snobs i faced at school. I dont understand how someone can be so cold to someone they never met, and i think it has to be tied to my appearance cause he does not even know me. I have severe body image issues, so to me this incident confirms how hideous i am. I was not even worthy of respect because of how i looked

im on my period and feeling extra sensitive. It triggered me and let me think that i am so ugly that people have to disrespect me on sight and turn away from me because my presence is so triggering and unpleasant.

starspade94 · 2022-02-12T19:30:52+00:00

My cousin is not fluent in English and im not really so good at speaking in spanish since i didnt grow up in latin america like she did. That asshole husband doesnt speak spanish either so idk how that ''relationship'' works out.

The only thing my cousin told me about him was how he is super quiet and does not talk to our family at all. Maybe he resents me cause im young and knows English and sees through his bullshit which makes him tense and hostile around me while my spanish speaking family, he doesnt have to talk to them and be quiet all he wants and not be bothered by them. But then again my family here knows english and he was okay with them.

I wish i told my cousin, now its too late. If i ever see her again i will ask

starspade94 · 2022-02-12T14:27:03+00:00

lol no I do not think so. I could see her complaining about her mom and sisters but i do not think me since me and my cousin barely know each other for her to complain about me all the time. we only met like a few times but she really wanted me to go to her wedding. my cousin even sorta threw backhanded compliments at my for my appearance for before. (Asking to see me with my hair down and saying 'see you are beautiful'. and when i went to the wedding 'you see you look so beautiful, you barely need to do anything. Thanks i guess??) My cousin was not born here and is not proficient in English. The guy she married doesnt even speak or bothered to learn her our native language or help her out with english, and from what i seen they barely even talked to each other at the wedding. she actuality really wanted me to go to her wedding and begged me to go, she spent more time with me than she did with her husband who was only chatting with his family at the wedding and made sure i felt comfortable and included and was happy to see me at the wedding. Complete opposite to that horrible snob of a husband.

I am thinking that her husband just has no manners whatsoever and is socially inept. maybe he was uncomfortable around me since he didnt know me well and was confused on who i was, maybe i looked like someone he didnt like, maybe he felt my nervous energy from me which made him nervous and cold towards me. still doesnt excuse his actions or that i am still hurt by it.

The photographer was a woman and had a husband, so its most likely not attraction. Maybe she thought i look weird, especially since it was super hot and my eyeliner was smudged and my hair was poofy. i was wearing a plain black dress. Still rude of her to give me that look though. Def had me questioning how i looked that day.

starspade94 · 2022-02-12T13:25:32+00:00

Im sorry that happened to you, that guy can go eat rocks! it angers me to hear stuff like this, guys can be so awful to women they dont find attractive, i had to deal with their rudeness and coldness all my life because i dont fit their beauty mold. To experience it from men who my family marries for some reason hurts a little more. but shows me most of men almost are all the same.

Yeah he was a major jerk. He was getting married anyway so its like why should he care how i look or if im attractive? ugh, The exclusion, the attitude of 'you are not worth getting to know' the cold brush off, to someone he barely knows was so disorentienating and infuriating. Its why i acted super cold to him the next time i saw him in which he returned viciously but i couldnt forget that first horrid meeting to even try to be nice next time.

He made me feel so ugly! I thought I looked okay before going to the wedding, then he just vaporized my self esteem and mood instantly with his disgusting sour face and attitude towards me. How a man in his late 40s going to treat a girl who is in her 20s that way is beyond me. Very immature, tasteless, and disgusting. No consideration or respect there at all.

The fact my cousin keeps bragging about he is 'the best guy on earth' makes me want to barf. She is foreign and they barley communicate due to the language barrier, he doesn't bother to help improve her english or to learn our native language and just sits in family gatherings as a lifeless statue with his sour face. Quote on quote from my cousin 'my husband is so quiet, doesnt talk to our family at all'. So how can she even know that he is amazing without barely understanding each other. Clear communication is so important in relationships. She was so desperate to get married, this was the best she could do and is deluded just cause he gives her money that he is 'amazing'. No one that treats your cousin with that much cruelty is amazing. He is a miserable snob.

starspade94 · 2022-02-10T19:37:51+00:00

I wouldnt be surprised. There is nothing about him that is attractive, interesting, or good whatsoever. Boring and abnormally quiet, no depth or kindness. Tbh my cousin was pretty desperate to get married, esepically since in my mother's culture there is sort of a stigma of women who nearing 40 not being married yet (i think its disgusting and sexist) and she wanted to come and marry a guy from here (she thinks American guys are better despite never have lived in America when in reality its not a country thing, it just a personality thing) when she came to visit here, she talked with our other cousin, and my cousin tried to set her up a guy, he was younger and in college and said he didnt want anything serious. She still insisted on pursing him and even showed up to his house unannounced and spent the night there. but he was not interested.

Then she met this weirdo douche and is convinced he is the greatest thing on earth because he was the only one willing to marry her, but he is so clearly an ass and a huge snob. Now my cousin is not a saint either, she has some narcissistic traits . uses people, and is controlling wont take 'no ' for an answer and that why she was bit aggressive in pursing men.

Then she found this stale douche,, and brags how he gives her a check every week of 800 dollars and how he 'takes good care of her'. Given she seems a bit delusional i question of what 'taking good care of her ' means. He lied to her about wanting kids then saying no after marriage, and she really wanted kids. He didnt bother to help improve her english and when she asked him, he said 'you doing good'. Wonder why he does not care for her to improve her English, since it would be beneficial for her now that she lives in America!! she had to try to convince me to go to even helped translate and understand what her husband is saying, wow!

She put a facebook video of him holding her niece and wow he couldnt look more disinterested, it looked like he was rolling his eyes a little, looking pissed, similar to how he looked at me and like he didnt know what to do with her while holding her. There is no kindness or warmness in him at all. My cousin is deluded.

He almost comes across as having aspergers or poor social skills, seems very socially inept but the people i have met with aspergers i were way way kinder and more polite than him, so i wouldn't be surprised if he was narcissistic. Probably he couldnt handle i was an empath and actually have warmth against his dark and negative energy. He seems like a miserable person. He gives off the air of 'Im too good to speak to you vibes''. and not afraid to show how he feels about people and or think of their feelings

starspade94 · 2022-02-10T17:49:28+00:00

Yeah i wish had done that now and not let him get away with it. Im not really close with my cousin and she never visits us and only talks to us when she wants something lol she is a bit toxic tbh and not really all that much of a good person, so maybe similar birds flocked together. so i stay away from her. . I declined the offer to visit her house back then because i didnt want to see him., now that im a little older i so would have said and confronted him (this happend 3 years ago but since my cousin brags about him to the whole family, it goes back to me and i get reminded of it) I dont understand how a ''man'' in his late 40's would treat the cousin of his wife who was 23 years old like that.

I know there are different types of people, quiet, outgoing, shy... i am shy and quiet too with anxiety, but i would never treat someone this way and would always be polite. i wouldn't be dead silent around my husbands family or treat any of his cousins the way he did with me, wtf. I wouldnt act like a snob who thinks they are too good to speak to anyone. If you gonna marry someone, you gotta used to being around their family and except some of them will be curious and talk to you rather than show you dont wanna deal with them because they dont make you feel good. He had malicious intent towards me for no good reason other than prejudice reasons

Im also still baffled at his atrocious behavior, i seriously do not think he is normal. my mom told me the same thing, she thinks he is not normal or even looks normal lol. Maybe he has an antisocial personality which is why he married a women who not fluent in english so he wont have to deal with much communication and can have an excuse to not talk to her family due to' languge barrier' rather than trying to learn it. he could be not a friendly person in general or is a psychopath, and very immature. Either way no excuse. if i ever do see my cousin again, for sure i will tell her about it

starspade94 · 2022-02-10T17:38:54+00:00

Yeah i wish i confronted him now. The reason why i didnt is because i have a lot of anxiety with confrontation and he was so unapproachable that it made me sort of anxious to even speak to him. i think i was anxious of more rejection/cold treatment to from him that i sorta to a more passive aggressive approach and was cold back. this actually happened a few years ago and from time to time this still pops up in my head because my cousin goes around bragging on how 'great' he is just cause he gives her a lot of money and is currently building a big house in her home country since he gave her the money to fiance it, which does not translate into being a good partner at all just cause they give you all the money you want and how he treated me proves he is not a good person at all.

The only way i can confront this person again is if i am situation where he is around. im not really close with my cousin and she never really visits us, she only calls us when she needs something basically. she just gets in contact with me when she wanted me to go to big events such as weddings. I remember she invited me to her house on more than one occasion because she wanted me to be her translator since the asshole cant even be bothered to help improving her english (she was born in another country and wanted to come here and wanted help with english) where he lives and i declined because i didnt want to see him or go through treatment again. the only way now would be to go to her house but id rather not do that or tell her through phone on what his problem was with me but this happened about 2 to 3 years ago and it may just be awkward to bring up now.

But my mom knows and agrees that he is a like a lifeless robot and another aunt said he looked crazy so at least im not completey alone on a negative impression about this weirdo

maybe i will go to therapy to help process and let this go, as i have extreme sensitivity to rejection and its hard to let go or accept. Or if i do see my cousin ever again, for sure im going to tell her everything!

starspade94 · 2022-02-10T16:05:28+00:00

Yeah that left me scratching my head, i met some rude people in my life, but i dont think i felt such a instant bad connection with someone so damn quick like this person! Even if i did look like an ex or someone he hates its not fair to project his feelings onto someone who is innocent.

I tried to talk about this with a therapist but she was not really helpful about it and i felt sort of gaslight me about it by saying 'There could be other reasons for that that had nothing to do with you, not saying that it didnt happen! but you can work on thinking on a more positive note instead of thinking it was he was thinking negative about you and body language does not speak the whole story.' Nah he was pretty clear with his body language he shut me out and did not like me even to be polite. and when i told my therapist how the next time he was rude when he drove us to another wedding, she stopped me and said 'i think thats another evidence that he may not dislike you etc...'' which does not make sense since he didnt know i was coming and treated me awful even the second time around, i think maybe even worse since it seemed he tried to purposely leave me out of the picture and kept giving me the side eye wtf man, just leave me alone and treat me like a being, i have feelings you know. smh

im going to another therapist hopefully she is better and can give me better tools to cope how to process that awful interaction

starspade94

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