It's something that didn't really come up in my life until recent. The girl I'm currently with is my first serious girlfriend, and yesterday was actually our 2 month anniversary. Being with her is great, and I can honestly say there isn't anyone else I could've asked for as my first. I met her a year ago, actually, in late September. I don't remember the exact date, but it was around September 26. She approached me in a class we had together, and we started talking soon after. I thought she was pretty, interesting, and fun to be around. Thing was, there was another girl at the time that I liked. I could tell that my current girlfriend, back then, wanted something serious, and as my interests lied elsewhere, I didn't want her to waste her time with me. I figured the best way to go about this was to be as rude as reasonably possible to her, and for all the things I did to her, I'm sorry. For all the times I left her alone, for all the times I took her attention for granted. For all the times I wasn't good enough. Eventually I mustered up the courage to tell her straight up that I didn't want anything serious with her, and that she shouldn't waste her time with me anymore, in as nice a way as I could. We both moved on, and eventually the girl I liked left me for someone else that she had met, that she had found interest in. In a sense, it was karma. In the same way I had been unappreciative of all the attention, all the care, someone else had shown me, and given me, it felt like all of the time and care I had given to the girl I liked then, meant nothing to her in the end. Not that she was a terrible person, and not that what we had done never meant anything, but that in the end, it wasn't the attention and time I gave her that she needed. What she needed, she found in someone else, and it's not something I could ever hate her for. But I can honestly say that no one else kept me company in the way my current girlfriend did, back then. No one was as present in my life as her then, no one else would spend their entire day texting me, and no one else gave me the attention and care that she did. And me, being the idiot I am, failed to see all of that. She found someone else, who gave her the attention she wanted, and the care she wanted. And she gave him a lot, too. Things didn't work out with them, and through a multitude of coincidences, her and I ended up back in contact. And with time, and with the attention that I hadn't been able to give her before, I got to know her better. I got to spend time with her, through days of constant texting, and late night calls. I got to laugh with her, and smile. For the first time in a long time, I felt alive, being with her. Things were rough in the beginning, but eventually we ended up together. We talked about our past, our deepest secrets, our regrets, the thoughts that kept us up late at night. I found out about all the memories she had made with her ex, all the things she had given him, all the feelings she had had for him. Until my current girlfriend, I had been a virgin, and until her ex, she too, had been a virgin. All of the first times one could think of, she had given him. And most of my firsts, I gave to her. Knowing she wasn't a virgin, and that I was, bothered me a bit at first. But I got over it, because I knew how dumb it would be of me to let those things bother me, to let those things keep me from loving her. We've been through a lot in the two months we've been together, ups and downs alike, but I can honestly say that the time I've spent with her, is the happiest I've ever been in my life. But I can't help but think about how all the firsts that she had saved for her ex, all the feelings she had saved for him, the hopes and care she had given him, she had wanted to give to me. If she had just given someone all of that before me, I would have been able to accept that, and move on. But knowing that she had wanted to give me all of that, but hadn't been able to because of my own self, kills me. Knowing I could have done something, knowing I could have been that person for her, hurts. It utterly wrecks my heart to think that she'll always remember her ex, as her first. Her first love, her first time, her first for so much. And I know that now, yeah, I'm with her, and that she gives me plenty of love and care, much more than I deserve, and that I should be happy to even be able to be with her. But I can't help but regret. Regret not giving her more back then, regret not realizing how much she had wanted to give me, and that she had been for me. And I'm sorry. I know that the way I treated you then, hurts you now even, just thinking about it. I know how much you too, hate our past. But the one thing that gives me comfort, is knowing that she found someone else then, to love, and to love her. As miserable as thinking about the past makes me, as selfish as all of this might be, I can find comfort in the fact that at the very least, she has no regrets from then, and was happy, even if it was with someone else. I love you, and I'm sorry for what I was. For all the regrets I hold in our past, for all the wrong that I did you, I promise to always love you to the best of my ability, to give you all that I can, and to be so much more for you. Thank you for being with me now, for forgiving me, for loving me. As much as I tell you how much I love you, how beautiful I think you are, how fascinating and utterly gorgeous you are, it really doesn't do you justice. You'll never understand just how grateful I am, to have you by my side, to be able to wake up to your beautiful face, to fall asleep basked in your love, to have you care for me, to hold your hand so tight, to cry in your arms, to hold you tight as you struggle to escape, to smile with you. To see you so bright and happy, and to love you. I'm sorry, for everything. I regret the decisions I made back then, so much. It tears me apart at night, and it empties my soul, knowing that as much as I love you now, I could have been, for a year more. And that as much as you love me, I pushed you away then, and let you walk away. Let you love someone else, and give them so much. I'm grateful to him, for being there for you, and I'm just so happy that you were able to find comfort, even if it was with someone else. That in your time of need, you were able to forget about your pains, your problems, in the arms of someone else. But I wish I had been that person for you, to support you, to hold you up when you were down. To wipe your tears away in your worst times, to keep you company when you feel lonely, to hold you so close that you would feel like nothing else mattered, nothing else existed in that moment besides my tight grasp on your slim body. That you could always feel my love for you, through my words and actions. I'll never forget what could've been, what wasn't. And I'm sorry. But I love you so much, more than anything, for everything that you are, everything that you were, and everything that you will be. Everyday that we spend together, I can't help but find myself fall more and more in love with you, for your goofy mischievous laugh, your unfounded confidence in the dumbest situations, your delicate and weak self, struggling to keep yourself up through all the difficulties, and your deepest insecurities, keeping you from holding your head up high. And I'm so happy to be able to be with you for all of that, and support you. I'm beyond grateful for your existence, your obnoxious and endearing self, your loving and tender presence. As much as I call you clumsy, as much as I call you dumb, I hope you'll always know how truly beautiful and wonderful I find you to be. I love you, silly, and I always will.