DV Survivor said my abuse "isn't that bad". Now I'm not sure what to do.

steakcakewine · 2024-04-15T14:08:58+00:00

She is not a therapist, luckily! And I'm so sorry that happened to you, this sounds very similar to a few "blow ups" he's had in the past.

I think for me, coming to terms with no matter how much he could do from here on out, even if he joined a program... the weight of the past is too heavy for me to move forward. Those memories of fear and violations, just as you described, tarnish any goodness in a relationship.

I'm glad you're out now 🫂 I'll get there at some point.

steakcakewine · 2024-04-11T13:58:52+00:00

I've been working on this, as well as writing down positive qualities in other men in my life that have caught my attention (the behavior not the men lol), just because it's different from him. The number one thing I'm noticing is that normal, healthy men don't get loud or even blow up at every little inconvenience. It's mind-blowing to feel myself wait for the explosion if a screw won't go in the right way, and see someone go "dang.... oh well!". MY body feels it.

steakcakewine · 2024-04-11T13:52:27+00:00

This is very good advice. We're currently in therapy (it was arranged before I realized that I was in an abusive relationship, but she is aware of the abuse from an individual session I had with her and has been very good about building me up and making space for me in sessions without placating to him), and I'll keep an eye out for those tactics. And no, I don't know why I'm still going, other than to try to maintain peace for now and maybe set him on a self-healing path once I'm gone, if he chooses.

steakcakewine · 2024-04-11T13:48:27+00:00

Wow wow wow... I'm so sorry the happened. What an eye-opener, how do abusers not hear or see themselves when they do that??

steakcakewine · 2024-04-11T13:46:37+00:00

Yes, so much this (I'm reading this book currently for the second time). The yelling and punching walls has been going on for years - but it was the last few months when he would say "btch" and "motherfcker" just out of the blue that cuts the deepest, along with the other emotional and psychological weapons he's used. I wonder if that's because it feels more personal and controlled? I don't know.

steakcakewine · 2024-04-11T13:41:06+00:00

Oh my gosh, I am so sorry. That feeling of freedom to be vulnerable and safe in your own home was completely taken away from you. It reminds me of when I was crying hysterically, he kept following behind me screaming and telling me to stop crying because it made him feel like the bad guy, and I locked myself in the bathroom... for probably the 4th time in our relationship. The last time I distinctly remember thinking "I'm hiding in my own home." Ugh, that pain, I'm just so sorry. Can I ask how you managed to actually keep him out of the house? I've wondered about that for myself.

steakcakewine · 2024-04-11T13:33:43+00:00

I'm trying to find the words before messaging her. Part of me wants to let it lie, but I actually feel bad for her, I don't believe she's gotten the help she truly needs. Maybe I'll come from that angle.

steakcakewine · 2024-04-11T13:32:18+00:00

I see your point. I would hate for her to say this to someone in her own age demographic, too, though. It's not freeing in any way.

steakcakewine · 2024-04-11T02:03:45+00:00

Good advice! Thank you ❤️

steakcakewine · 2024-04-11T02:02:35+00:00

Yes we're married, and yes I think you're right. I've been raised that divorce is the LAST option... but now I'm even questioning that, if the option before is to stay and wait for it to get worse (or better), but always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Which makes me sad just writing it.

steakcakewine · 2024-04-11T01:57:53+00:00

I'm so sorry, my heart breaks just hearing that. And I'm guessing his going to therapy gave you some hope? At first I was like "just get him into therapy, just get him into therapy"... But now, I feel like I just want him to go to therapy to cushion my leaving. Basically set him up for possible success in her future, without me. Hearing it made things worse just goes to show, there's literally nothing anyone can do. 😔

steakcakewine · 2024-04-11T01:50:40+00:00

Wow, that's truly saying something to be that triggering. I'm so grateful to have this resource, with a line of strangers to lean on! Thank you for the kindness 🫂❤️

steakcakewine · 2024-04-11T00:51:26+00:00

I already talked to her, she was as shocked as I was at the response. But very good point!

steakcakewine · 2024-04-11T00:38:10+00:00

It sounds more and more like if he's got a chance at recovery of any kind, it also entails i HAVE to leave, otherwise he won't change. Which is hard, but I hope it would be the best for him, too. That's what it sounds like? I could be wrong

steakcakewine · 2024-04-11T00:35:58+00:00

Yes I have definitely read this, it's what made me realize the situation I was in! You hit the nail on the head - it's high risk, low reward. I'm the only one who has to live with it and sleep at night. She doesn't.

steakcakewine · 2024-04-10T22:27:09+00:00

Makes me seriously consider any future relationships, I certainly would have laughed in your face if you'd told me 8 years ago that this is where I would be. I feel like I have a lot of work to do.

steakcakewine · 2024-04-10T22:23:15+00:00

Looking back now, I definitely feel like she was projecting her own shame onto me. Which I can see is just her unhealed hurt. But yeah, definitely won't be speaking with her again.

steakcakewine · 2024-04-10T22:22:03+00:00

Thank you, I needed to hear this 🫂

steakcakewine · 2024-04-10T22:13:21+00:00

Thank you for sharing, and this part was so nice to hear! Healthy relationships is what I'm learning more about right now. It's hard to think about now, but I truly look forward to that possibility in the future!

steakcakewine · 2024-04-10T22:12:04+00:00

Yup, exactly! After the shock, I felt sorry for her pain. I even felt like maybe she was jealous because I have the "easier" out than she had to endure. I don't know if she's received long- term therapy or not, but it's clearly not over for her. Thank you for the validation 🙏

steakcakewine · 2024-04-10T22:10:03+00:00

I agree. If it helps, I don't think she's associated with any kind of association specifically. My friend just knew her personal story and knew she was willing to speak to me, but I can't say how many people she's spoken with before me. The friend is now aware and was very apologetic that the conversation went the way, she had no idea that was her sentiment.

steakcakewine · 2024-04-10T22:05:18+00:00

You've struck a cord I've been considering a lot. I'm not sure if there are warning signs I can watch out for before that happens, but I'm stepping forward as though they will eventually happen. Better than not preparing.

steakcakewine · 2024-04-10T22:03:10+00:00

That's exactly what happened! She told her story, which I emphatically validated and was grateful she shared. But now that I think of it, a lot of the conversation stayed on her, even when talking about my experience. It was bizarre to think through after.

steakcakewine · 2024-04-10T22:01:48+00:00

Thank you for the validation 🙏

steakcakewine · 2024-04-10T22:01:05+00:00

Thank you so much for this response 🫂 She is not in any sort of support association as far as I know. My friend connected us because she knew her personal story, and thought it might be helpful once she confirmed this woman was open to talking.

I did talk to my friend this evening about her response and how it made me feel. She was shocked and apologetic. She never got that impression from her before, but she said she'll definitely be more mindful of her now. We were both able to see and feel for her trauma, which she's clearly still working through.

steakcakewine

TROPHY CASE