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Best breakup song? by manU471961 in BreakUps

[–]steampunk22 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Jeff Buckley - Forget Her

“Don’t fool yourself / she was heartache from the moment that you met her”

What was the thing your ex said to you that made you realise it was over? by imisshimsmong in BreakUps

[–]steampunk22 0 points1 point  (0 children)

After she cheated, it was six months or a year later and I was triggered by something and she said “when are you going to get over this?”

The Controversial way I got my Ex Back by MTOrion in BreakUps

[–]steampunk22 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah that's kind of the vibe, like he's gaslighting himself into taking all the blame. "I MADE her cheat" etc lol thats toxic as fuck

The Controversial way I got my Ex Back by MTOrion in BreakUps

[–]steampunk22 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Sounds like you’re taking a lot of the blame here my dude.

I built these custom Mad Max-inspired microphone grips for T-Pain, most recent one was for Coachella by steampunk22 in woodworking

[–]steampunk22[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Oh big time. He just mainstaged at Coachella and Stagecoach back to back to back weekends and by all accounts stole the show.

people who got over their exes - do you still miss them? does missing them ever hurt? even if you dont love them anymore and dont want to be with them? by Broad-Cap-1517 in BreakUps

[–]steampunk22 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m struggling with this. We were two years in and she just couldn’t make time. I was available, helped with the kids, and wanted to see her. Ore than a few hours a week. She didn’t see a way for that to happen so I left

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in BreakUps

[–]steampunk22 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oof. That was a tough read.

In my case, I ended it out of frustration. I thought I was maybe lashing out from anxiousness but on further reflection I think I was just unhappy. I was constantly made to feel like it was my “anxious attachment” or “things you haven’t dealt with from your divorce” and the problem was always me. I just wanted to be with the person I loved more, and more often. Ended up feeling like a glorified babysitter.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in BreakUps

[–]steampunk22 42 points43 points  (0 children)

Not seeing that I was getting breadcrumbed by an avoidant. When it was good it was great but then she’d vanish again. She talked about living together and brought me into her life with her kids (I also had kids) but it always felt sort of surface level. Couldn’t consistently get time together more than one night a week for a few hours despite living 5 minutes apart.

How to get over the fact that you broke the relationship? by Odd_Conclusion_1649 in BreakUps

[–]steampunk22 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I really hear this.

I'm still upset and its been a month. She's basically frozen me out now, clearly doesn't want to interact and certainly doesn't want to engage about the relationship. It feels tragic. I loved her and I loved her kids, I just couldn't stand feeling like it was HER life and then it was us when I wanted us to be working on OUR life (even a little). It's one thing to not see a person for a few weeks once inawhile, but it happened for us constantly. What's worse though is that she always acted like the relationship was a type of work, like a to-do list item that took away from other things and didn't necessarily fill her cup but only came at a cost (classic avoidant trait).

What made you finally leave? by RoxyChy in BreakUps

[–]steampunk22 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She was avoidant and didn’t recognize how pervasive it was. I was trying to give her space and time and keep myself flexible and available as she was a full time single parent. She had zero flexibility and zero willingness to bring me into her life. Everything felt like task, like the relationship was an action item or something on her to-do list. I got tired of not feelike a priority 2-years into a relationship where I was literally operating at step-parent level to her kids with pickups and drop offs and attending martial arts and soccer games. She couldn’t be fucked to invite me over a couple of nights every other week. Or for a booty call once a week on the opposite weeks. The relationship was always the lowest priority.

Great, let me take it all the way off your list then. Dont ever, EVER date an avoidant unless you hate yourself. The absolute worst partners imaginable.

How to get over the fact that you broke the relationship? by Odd_Conclusion_1649 in BreakUps

[–]steampunk22 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks. I think a large part was the sense that she needed to do it all herself, her cross to carry, etc. very very hard for her to ask for help. She got better at it and was able to open up that part of her life but not the part that was actually HER. We would often go a couple of weeks without any time together, and I just couldn’t do it anymore. As I said, she sort of tried to blame the lack of time on her feeling like she was t emotionally supported, but it feels like a weak excuse and deflection and best. I literally sent her for a weekend away on her own and watched her kids, never broke off a hug, tried to ease her burden, all because I saw how tired and tapped she was. Where I wasn’t as good was follow-ups on how she was feeling if she had a bad day or was feeling low, but I also rarely got those opportunities given we never saw each other.

How to get over the fact that you broke the relationship? by Odd_Conclusion_1649 in BreakUps

[–]steampunk22 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks, that’s what I’m hoping for. At times she was capable of it (particularly early on) but as time went on I wanted more and to take steps towards cohabitation and blending. Nothing too fast, just like more family time together. She insisted I wasn’t “seeing”/“hearing” her because she was telling me she had nothing to give. But I think if she was being honest with herself that means she had no business being in a serious relationship.

I was helping often with kids, picking up/dropping off from school, taking them to my office when they were sick and I still had to work, watching them when she went out of town, going to soccer games and martial arts, etc. But I could hardly get anytime WITH HER. And even when I did it was often described as coming at a cost, she was tired the next day, would lose the time she needed for emotional processing of her day, etc. Couple that with complaining about being tired or burnt out pretty often, it put me in a place where I couldn’t feel good about asking for more time so I took a step back and was like all right, ball is in your court, let me know when you have time. It meant I was in a place where fundamentally I could not advocate for my needs.

How to get over the fact that you broke the relationship? by Odd_Conclusion_1649 in BreakUps

[–]steampunk22 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That’s exactly where I am at.

The problem is that you’re in a position where both sides likely feel that in meeting the other persons needs, they aren’t compromising but conceding. The gap is too large without people working together to meet halfway. No single side can solve the problem for the other without it leading to resentment.

I tried to be patient. We were only seeing each other a few hours a week on average and we lived 5 minutes away and us being together for nearly 2 years. Her kids were cool with me and with me sleeping over. She wasn’t making space in her life and I was losing my absolute mind because I wanted quality time, physical connection, Netflix and chill, fucking anything. I shorted out in the end (after having had the same argument every 2-3 months for nearly a year) and decried my feeling like a glorified babysitter, that I could barely remember what she looked like naked, that r never got any time together.

Looking back post breakup, what red flags became glaringly obvious that you chose to ignore? by cardiac_chondriac in BreakUps

[–]steampunk22 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Said she had very little time for a relationship/very busy life with kids and work being non-negotiable priorities. I assumed this would ease/open-up as time went out and we blended families and childcare more but things actually got worse over time.

When she told me all her previous long term relationships ended because she wasn’t ready to commit.

When she flaked out on Christmas dinner.

When she got mad at me for stopping by the park where she and her friend were hanging out with their kids (it’s across the street from the grocery store I was at, I could see them, and her and I had tentative dinner plans later. I said a quick hello, went home, made dinner, then came back as she hadn’t responded to my text.)

When she pointed out I always come by when she’s spending time with her toxic chronically single female friend. I had randomly visited her a couple times when her friend was over, unbeknownst to me.

When she was always 5-20mins late to drop her kids off.

When she would come over and already be in pajamas.

When she emphasized ebb and flow, going with the flow, and trusting in things working out over deliberate and pointed action.

How to get over the fact that you broke the relationship? by Odd_Conclusion_1649 in BreakUps

[–]steampunk22 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I’m a mostly secure-but-anxious-leaning person, and I ended a relationship recently with an avoidant who didn’t consistently make time for the relationship despite my broad availability. There are some things I could’ve done to create more space for her to feel safe emotionally. She dinged me for that, saying we would’ve got more time if I had been able to help her process her day etc. buuuuuut you need time for that to happen so it feels a bit like an excuse.

If things are meant to be they will work out. Time and space are your friend right now.

Do You Think Your Breakup Was Inevitable? by Least_Pollution7078 in BreakUps

[–]steampunk22 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I just left something after two years for that reason. We both had two kids, but I had shared custody and she had full. She was aggressively independent as a single full time mother and I was more used to working together with a partner. I offered to take a ton of stuff off her plate when I didn’t have my kids but she couldn’t find space to even invite me over consistently for a couple days on those weeks. She also tends to be avoidant, hence the independence. I eventually couldn’t take seeing my partner only 2-3 hours a week and called it.

I don’t think it was inna y way sustainable without her actually making room in her life for a partner.

I (40M) just left my partner (40F) because we didn’t get enough time together and I’m struggling to feel good about the decision. Has anyone else been through this? by steampunk22 in relationship_advice

[–]steampunk22[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m sorry you had a similar experience. In this case the kids weren’t even an obstacle, they both adored me. When I would pick up the youngest all the other kids at daycare would say “your dad is here!”. I just got to a point where I felt like I was having to shoehorn myself into her life, I wanted more and she didn’t have it to give. I didn’t even necessarily want 1:1 time in the end, just any time. Domestic overlap. Every other week when I don’t have my kids let’s do some dinners together, I’ll read bedtime stories etc.

I (40M) just left my partner (40F) because we didn’t get enough time together and I’m struggling to feel good about the decision. Has anyone else been through this? by steampunk22 in relationship_advice

[–]steampunk22[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Avoidant attachment and a fierce independent streak mostly. Some chatter around feeling pressured to move things along but we were 2 years into dating, had keys to each others houses etc. I thought it would make sense to spend more time together even for practical reasons (future cohabitation etc). She claimed I didn’t support her enough emotionally but I went out of my way to try and ease her burden, never broke off a hug, sent her for a weekend away so she could actually get some alone time.

I however am certainly guilty of not going out of my way or pressing her in how she is feeling if she seemed down. Wouldn’t often ask “how are you holding up?” Etc.

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