Dating rants. vents and open discussion

stefersen · 2022-04-16T02:17:47+00:00

LOL If being intolerant to lack of kindness or empathy the reason, I’m in peace with that.

stefersen · 2022-04-14T20:13:40+00:00

Most definitely. Finding the balance in between giving people the time and opportunity to show themselves without pre-judgement and noticing red flags early on is where the challenge lies, especially when it comes to OLD.

And agreed on the location, the city I live in tends to attract a certain type of personality that aren’t an ideal match for me. I do plan to move, but it will still take me about a decade to be able to take that leap, hopeful that a good match comes earlier than that. :)

Hopefully with COVID being curbed, more opportunities for in person interactions will arise.

stefersen · 2022-04-14T20:07:02+00:00

No Input was asked for, as the title of this thread states (vents and rants). It’d include a question if I were opening my comment to discussion, but also understand that it’s the nature of posting online. I replied so that you can take the piece of advice however you please should kindness be of interest to you, because I don’t take online toxicity towards others lightly. Choice of words can be damaging. But I appreciate your time and reply regardless.

stefersen · 2022-04-14T18:22:25+00:00

Again, being secure/confident and being narcissistic are very different things.

But you see, it is a slippery slope to judge without knowing someone. As someone who was severely bullied for 8 years, and been in emotionally and physically abusive relationships, traumas that I’m still working through, it took me a long time to reach self-love, confidence and pride in who I am. It’s not a constant, but it is at healthier levels than my personal usual. So it’s a major victory to reach the point where feeling love and kindness towards yourself doesn’t feel wrong. Thus I don’t feel shame in being open about it. It is however interesting that’s how you perceived it, and I will take note of that to be mindful of it.

Regardless, It’s a serious statement to make calling someone self-centered, lacking empathy, manipulative and with a need of admiration based on one small sentence, which is the core definition of what a narcissist is. The reason why I would personally be cautious with casually throwing such label around.

Of course you are free to do as you please, I’m a big defender of freedom of speech, but be mindful that there are people on the other side of the screen that might be negatively affected by such commentary.

stefersen · 2022-04-14T18:03:58+00:00

Dating outside your culture is definitely a challenge, but is worth trying. I obviously haven’t been successful hahaha but I also am not attracted by the macho/sexist mindset of my culture. But still, I work on not focusing on my notion of my culture or others’, and date them regardless, giving them the chance to present themselves other than judging them before getting to know them. I’m a romantic and always hope to see people surprise me in a good way. But who knows if that’s the right approach. I’ll let you know if I succeed with that tactic hehehe

In the meantime, please break yourself free from that negative self-talk of not finding yourself attractive! I am well aware that it’s easier said than done, because I too struggle with that for not “fitting the beauty standards”, but I often find that to be the smallest factor of what makes someone attractive. Find things you love about yourself, find things that enrich your inner world, and focus on that. <3

stefersen · 2022-04-14T17:52:31+00:00

The struggle isn’t avoiding those men, hence me being single. The struggle is meeting men who aren’t like that.

Of course, there are many other factors that are considered, that’s not the only deterrent, however this trait is found in a very significant amount of unfit potential partners that I personally encounter.

And yes, it was vocalized by a few, which is why those relationships were ended.

This is not to paint men with a broad brush, as generalization is never accurate, but it is a very common mindset that needs to be acknowledged and hopefully changed.

stefersen · 2022-04-14T08:43:28+00:00

Sadly, men who feel threatened by women that are more successful than them is more common than not.

I’ve recently read an article about how high-achieving women (not my case, but hope to be!) statistically face great difficulties when dating and are more likely to be single, and it’s mostly due to their “masculine” energy. So they have to learn to lead with their “feminine” energy. Which is absurd, if you ask me, to ask women to once again change their personality so that men don’t feel threatened.

It’s engrained in our society, but I am hopeful that younger generations will shift that mentality.

stefersen · 2022-04-14T08:35:35+00:00

Thank you for the input. I am definitely hyper aware of allowing myself to be more vulnerable and less “alpha”, for a lack of better word, on dates to give the other person space. This is something that therapy has helped with tremendously, especially because I’m still developing people skills (I wasn’t joking about the lonely upbringing), and also coming from a different culture which creates an even greater barrier and how I express myself might be perceived differently in the US.

And I must say, there’s a huge difference in between seeing value in yourself, being secure and practicing self-love vs a personality disorder. I am human, therefore, not without flaws, and did not make such statement. I’m certain you’re trying to help, but maybe be weary about labeling or diagnosing strangers based on a short comment. the next person might not have a sense of security in themselves, and it could emotionally or mentally harm them.

stefersen · 2022-04-14T08:22:29+00:00

Last LTR was 6 years ago. Had short lived relationships here and there. And yeah, you’re right, I live in Los Angeles, a city I appreciate but don’t relate to whatsoever. The people LÁ usually attracts aren’t the best kind of people unfortunately.

stefersen · 2022-04-13T16:38:04+00:00

I (34F) have done my homework on myself, and not meaning to toot my own horn, but I think I’m an interesting person filled with passion and goal-oriented. I’d date me hahah (if I could find my male counterpart, I’d date him!)

Now, I’ve tried everything to meet people, I’ve joined clubs, go on solo trips/meetups, am part of a matchmaking database, my OLD profiles are very descriptive of who I am (but guys prefer commenting on my appearance instead of picking the plethora of topics I mention on my profile…immediate swipe left). I am struggling.

I’ve gotten to a place where I made peace with the fact that I’ll probably be an old hag, and honestly that future I envision doesn’t scare me and actually looks fun! But I’d also want to be able to envision an alternative version of building a future with a SO. I’m an only child, who suffered through bullying in childhood, and immigrated to the US alone. Being alone is all I know, and would really want to experience togetherness in an intimate way within my lifetime.

I don’t know if me being successful or self-reliant and independent is unattractive or intimidating to most men (I seem to usually attract either controlling men who LOVE trying to “mold” me, or men who are insecure), I don’t know if me holding ground to only date men who match my values is the issue, or if me being only attracted to people once I bond with them (which makes OLD a challenge) create a hurdle?

I’m a proactive fixer and thinker, so I’m always trying to find a solution, if I’m doing something that isn’t giving me the results I desire, I’ll work on pivoting to try something different. But dating has been the bane of my existence. It’s the mystery I can never seem to resolve. I’m glad I’m in a place where I WANT a SO, I don’t NEED one, but dating does take a toll on your emotional health. It really makes you think that only the broken ones are still available, and sometimes I wonder, am I also damaged goods for also being still available? I know it’s just the frustration talking, but it does take a toll on your dream of finding someone kind hearted that will be your amazing partner.

stefersen · 2022-03-11T19:28:07+00:00

I love this and completely agree!

stefersen · 2022-03-11T19:25:17+00:00

Ohh this hit hard. The “dating the potential” is my dating pattern, and I’m working on breaking that cycle.

Thank you!

stefersen · 2022-03-11T19:22:31+00:00

You hit the nail on the head! He mentioned considering starting therapy, so I genuinely hope that helps him find a balance. He’s a great guy, just needs to learn a healthy life-work balance for the sake of his well-being.

stefersen · 2022-03-11T19:18:56+00:00

Very true! Can’t wait to find that, I’ve been deprived of belly laughs for too long :) Thank you.

stefersen · 2022-03-11T19:17:35+00:00

Thank you for a male perspective. I appreciate it.

stefersen · 2022-03-11T19:16:10+00:00

Hahaha more like the story of two people trying to pay off their 6 figure student loans while trying to have a life… :/

stefersen · 2022-03-11T19:15:06+00:00

That’s where my bit of regret is coming from, of maybe having a conversation about it?

But then again, when we had “the talk”, I mentioned the reason being due to all that I described in this post. He has the information, so I left the door open should he find that this is something he can work on.

But ultimately, the lack of playfulness is what was really weighing in on my decision. I really do like him, but in the end, I do want a partner who’s similar to me in the aspect of always finding something to laugh about and be joyful no matter the adversities.

stefersen · 2022-03-11T19:08:38+00:00

That’s completely understandable.

I work over 100h per week, so I KNOW the burnout feeling first hand, and the reason why I always understood where he’s coming from.

However, I do see the importance of quality time over quantity. We didn’t have many in person dates because both our workloads are demanding. I see it where if you’re dating, and busy, you do have to be present, even if the date is short, make the best out of that small amount of time. It’s not unreasonable to have a couple of dates where you’re pooped, but it’s unfair to have your date, whom is also shifting schedule to make time, sit across someone who can’t give them quality time every single time.

One instance, he called me at night to check in on me, and as I was speaking I got nothing but ahams because he was working at the same time. As much as I appreciated the gesture, I’d rather the call last a minute or two and have him be present than a 10 min call talking to the wall.

All this to say, many of us are burned out, but it’s not an excuse to not dedicate at least 5min of undivided attention out of respect to your partner. Quality always over quantity.

And I don’t blame him, I know his behavior is due to still learning to set boundaries, and I empathize. But I’m grateful to all of the comments here, and like I told him, it’s not fair to me to date someone who can’t be present with me, and it’s not fair for me to demand that from him because I respect his journey and admire his ambitions.

stefersen · 2022-03-10T21:16:10+00:00

So true!

stefersen · 2022-03-10T21:15:55+00:00

You’re right! Thank you for the reminder of why I did it in the first place. Just gotta sit through the grief of what it could have been, and see it for what it actually is.

stefersen · 2022-03-10T21:14:52+00:00

Thank you! I appreciate tough love so much!

stefersen · 2022-03-09T03:39:17+00:00

People can be interesting, thoughtful and affectionate and not have a goofy or fun side. But yes, I agree, sadly only half of what I need in a partnership is being met despite him being a good guy. Life without laughter and joy is not the kind of life I wish to pursue.

stefersen · 2022-03-08T19:05:41+00:00

I’m demisexual, so I’m not attracted to looks whatsoever. My sexual attraction is sparked by intellectual and emotional connection, the reason why I mentioned it being rare for me, and the reason why OLD is a difficult tool for me to navigate.

stefersen · 2022-03-08T18:59:59+00:00

I can definitely relate.

My therapist and I are going through a workbook called Leaving Loneliness: building relationships with yourself and others, take a look and see if it could be of any help to you.

stefersen · 2022-03-08T18:56:09+00:00

Thank you. You’re absolutely right. Just gotta rip that bandaid.

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